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I am a dancer. I believe we learn by practice. Whether it means to dance by practicing dancing or learn to live by practicing living, the principles are the same. In each it is the performance of a dedicated precise set of acts, physical or intellectual, from which comes shape of achievement, a sense of one’s being a satisfaction of spirit. One becomes in some area an athlete of God. - Martha Graham, Blood Memory
Everyday I feel like I am training. An athlete of God willing to put in hours of practice to finesse my form. My forms of rest, art making, writing, and acts of faith.
I love sports and the sport I love to watch the most is basketball. I love to watch basketball because everyone has to work together to get the ball to the net but then a few key people are the stars. They are the best at getting the ball into the net, the best at deciding who to throw the ball to to get it into the net, and they must be casting spells the whole time because I don’t know how LeBron throws a ball to someone behind him who he cannot see who then … gets it in the basket.
The thing about spells is spells are also practice. Being an athlete to God or getting the ball in the net isn’t just a magic trick : it’s practicing. It’s being willing to do the same tasks over and over until it is in your body and mind as the next right thing.
The Mercury and Venus retrogrades of the beginning of this year shifted more of my relationships than any season of my life in the last 33 years. I saw my major teammates, co captains, collaborators, peers, shift into drastically new roles. With this of course brings grief, sadness, fear, and unimaginable loss. It also brings an opening and a spaciousness and a radical clarity to who the longtime teammates really are, who has been waiting in the wings bearing steady witness the whole time, who is ready to step into a more supportive role, as well as an invitation for me to turn my focus back towards those who are meeting me on the same level of recovery, a living testament to the ability to listen and shift.
To shed the skin of the last chapter and feel into the feeling of being betrayed I am comfortable looking in the mirror and saying - I must have betrayed myself along the way too. Where has my own self abandonment and betrayal led me to invite people into my life who could turn on me? This is my practice, this is my drill, basketball in hand I run towards the basket to try again. I ask my teammates to help me invent new systems for passing the ball, for the assist, for the pivot. If you hold the ball too long and don’t set it down the whistle goes off and there is no chance to even reach the net.
My body continues to know, remember, and tell me everything. My mind’s resistance to this almost cost me my life and my sobriety - and I know that today it is a requirement to my practice to pause and to listen when my body remembers. My therapist is always reminding me to not gaslight myself, to honor and trust my own experience in relationship to others and the world. To not say : well this part maybe wasn’t as bad or as hard so I will just sort of glaze over it.
No, part of the athleticism required for my overall wellbeing is to believe myself. To believe my own experience in the field, to trust that my own protective actions can be done out of blessings, and true love for myself. That picking up my tools is not the same as picking up weapons, though to those without boundaries or truth it may look that way.
I trust myself. I continue to exclaim aloud to myself and to others - I trust myself. I took Cerato flower essence the other day and was almost knocked out of my chair how quickly my body responded to it. How immediately my mind said : this is is what you do next to protect yourself. To be able to continue your studies and focus on your own life. Good sportsmanship to myself proves difficult these days but overall I turn towards self forgiveness, next right action, and pausing as the key to god’s good will.
I invite spirit into my work, into my teaching, into my day to day. It hasn’t been easy and I sometimes wonder if it ever will be again.But I know I am not the only one doing the dance. A group of high school girls jogging together just ran by my window and about a whole minute later one more passed by herself. Same sister, I’m right behind ya. A minute behind but going at my own pace.
May you be protected today by your tools, by your practice, and by your teammates. May you not apologize for the actions required to protect your psychic energy, your recovery, and your magic. May you grow in integrity one basket at a time.
I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS I CAN HARDLY WAIT!
Thu, Mar 24, 2022, 7:00 PM EDT Up from the Archives #2: W.I.N.G.S.
by Women's Studio Workshop - register here!
Co-organized by Faythe Levine and Erin Zona this series highlights special collections from WSW’s Library as catalysts for conversation.
For this program we will be talking with four panelists who have cultivated contemporary exhibition spaces in unexpected and unusual spaces around the country. These innovative and non-traditional exhibition projects are in alignment with the values of WSW’s W.I.N.G.S programming and will allow the conversation to continue into the present moment.
Sage Dawson (STNDRD, a public art project examining the power and potential of flags)
Alex Lukas (CA53776V2.gallery, an experimental exhibition platform on the dashboard of a 2007 Ford Ranger)
Lukaza Branfman-Verissimo (The Nook Gallery, 2015-2020 a intimate gallery space located in a built-in seating nook in their kitchen)
Imin Yeh (The Dreamcabin, a 1-12 scale miniature house and exhibition space).
Me and Maceo Paisley did an IG Live about being humans on the internet
I love Dune Tansy alpaca wool hats out of Bolinas, CA and the women who make them
Reading from the library - The Collaborative Habit by Twyla Tharp
Writing myself a lot of notes
There is this swan in the water in my front yard who dips its whole head and neck in the very very cold water and the way it emerges so slowly is teaching me something about not rushing out of the cold. I took June for two walks yesterday many hours apart and the swan was in the same spot both times still dipping its head and neck in and out of the water so slowly, in no rush or discomfort.
Happy to have my po box keys I love books, scraps, letters, polaroid film, cookies, coffee, old slips of paper, brochures about Michigan, anything quilt related, stickers, herbs, tinctures, stationary 🪞 I can’t promise to respond but when you’re depressed enough you’ll tell people you want brochures and I have done that here as you can see
Marlee Grace
p.o. box 981
traverse city, mi
49685
List of orgs supporting trans kids in Texas
I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be queer and non binary and alone, gay and in a season of celibacy, how much pressure we put on others and ourselves to perform queerness based on who we’re sleeping with or dating. And I am so grateful for this season to see how expansive my gender is, how good it feels to be gay and tethered to no lovers, how being a homo in my little cottage on the water alone with my dog and reading Audre Lorde and Mary Oliver poems is the perfect dance with my identity
“Queer not as being about who you are having sex with, that can be a dimension of it, but queer as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.” bell hooks
A portion of March’s paid subscriptions goes towards Power Blossoms
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