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None of my best friends live where I live, and this isn’t working for me anymore. The isolation of living in an un-walkable-to-town forest with beautiful acquaintances near by but no one close enough to scoop me off the floor or scrape me off the wall has proven to be a loneliness unlike any other I have known. I bought a house where none of my closest people, dearest collaborators, or family live. Today I laugh in the face of this odd and trippy experience.
The loneliness comes in waves. When I look back at the winter I noticed less of a sharp edge to my alone time, a thrilling few months of burying myself in the snow and tending to the hearth every morning, noon, and night. No trips to warm places no escaping November - April. Just wintering the winter away. Bundled up, taking June for her walks, traveling to Detroit for love and connection.
The past month and a half I have been in a state of pure regret. Existential crisis meets the unknown, completely devastated by my wrong moves and how little I thought this all through. How to become a tornado person 101 - you think forever and ever about something but then when the time comes to really make the thoughts you think for as little as possible and just start saying YES or NO and sign on the line.
My goals of home buying and my need for being close to water lead me to investing in a home in a place where I have very little community, but found myself glued to the way the trees hummed in the wind and the water lapped at my toes. My visitors have become the way to stay, but in the long stretches of their absence I find myself laughing in the face of god.
God makes no mistakes though! That’s what they tell me, they say - there are no mistakes in god’s holy world. Yesterday I was laying on the couch and looking out the window and I couldn’t believe how tall the trees are that surround my house. Tall protectors of the space I call home and I stare at them from the same couch I lay on and turn my head the other direction to watch Sex and the City on my huge TV.
Yes I bought a huge TV when I moved in because I figured I would be here alone a lot and I like to watch my shows. I talked to my dad on the phone the other day and he is many seasons deep into Love Island UK and I am on Season Two of the iconic television show starring Sarah Jessica Parker. Up until a few days ago I had absolutely no idea what the program was even about. Women in Manhattan? Of course I saved it to watch until I was 35 years old wrestling with the concept of love and partnership, writing every day like Carrie Bradshaw herself.
So I sit here in the woods watching these women make a total mess and think, yes me too I am making my messes they just have less alcohol and less men and less hailing of a cab. But the questions of love and intimacy remain the same. I sit here in midwest’s great paradise, the rural quiet serenity I long for, wishing for a busy day in the big city with my girls ya know!
So I have begun dreaming new ways that the house exists, not just for me but for the people. The people’s house. The people’s meadow house. The people’s place to come and to stay and to rest. To trade houses with friends, to provide a space for others to rent for short times. To pack up my dog and my books and my computer and go to other places, knowing that there are other ways to chip away at the mortgage and let it be all that it can be.
I don’t have it all worked out but I miss my friends terribly and don’t know why I did this. Or I know exactly why I did. I had this flooded feeling watching Carrie go to a Dolce and Gabbana party and thought - what if I could just BE my full and complete messy self who wanted to buy a clubhouse for all their friends in the woods but then live everywhere else too? How can I let myself off the hook for the shame and guilt and mounting pain of having something and not being sure of it?
May I only be judged for not having enough fun, for not experiencing more joy
May I be free of wondering what everyone thinks of my choices
May the space provide comfort and creative spaciousness for generations to come
If you have ever loved a Bonny Doon song or loved this newsletter I was probably writing it listening to Bonny Doon or Jake Kmiecik’s ambient music. Jake is an integral part of our Michigan friend family as is his amazing partner Anna (who has also taken lots of photos I share here) and they are fundraising to cover costs as Jake just had a major surgery to help him live his life with Crohn’s disease. If you have the resources I would love to see this readership send some money to Jake and Anna on their healing journey!
Bear Hebert’s amazing Marketing for Weirdos class started today but you can watch the recording and still sign up!
Detroit sweethearts New Blume have some shows next month you should go!
I listened to this (yes I am trying to meditate)
Flexible Office Writer’s retreat went well I wish I had written more I got distracted sometimes I would just google things and go down google holes and I need a computer without the internet
I logged onto Instagram again because it’s all one big joke and the videos it shows me are so scary I don’t know why god cursed me in this way
June is perfect and I can’t believe she turns FOUR this month
Swimming is still the only thing that makes sense
I love you and I love me! I have to be unapologetically me! I think thats how it works!
