February 10, 2025

A Wound Up Attachment System

Dear reader, 

Wind it Up by Gwen Stefani plays softly in the background while I attend to my attachment system activation, again wound up by a person who cannot be clear with me.

In my efforts to pursue casual love and romantic entanglements I have found that I have won in some ways. I have found entry points to be in companionship that isn’t partnership or the pair bond pathway. And yet as my therapist gently reminded me in our Thursday session - my attachment system is much stronger than my mind.

When I have to dig for information, for clarity, for the truth - I become very small and desperate feeling. If there is one thing that pulls me away from my self esteem it is desperation. Grasping. Pulling at threads that were never there to begin with.

To heal this feeling I had a bright idea, I’ll listen to my ex boyfriend’s song on repeat. It’s unfortunately very good. It helped in this strange way like, look at the people you’ve loved what a gift! Look at all the things they make! And also reminded me of not being chosen. So I was back at zero.

I feel so full, so full of love. Love to give, love to receive, love that has waited to pour out of me for the last three years. Celibacy by rural landscape not by choice.

I downloaded hinge just to see what was happening and the hot man who I chatted with and stopped speaking to me popped up first so that felt great. Then I remembered how my crush from the summer just … never emailed me back in the midst of repairing our rupture.

Venus! Retrograde! Am I right? Doesn’t even start until March 1 as far as my googling shows but if this is a shadow I am the groundhog and I see myself clearly.

I have gone through some med changes recently that have really rocked me. I have shared about my struggles with PMDD and how much they affect me. After trying everything known on god’s green earth I finally attempted some hormonal birth control to see if it would do the trick.

The trick was : I went nuts in my mind. Ruminating and looping thoughts, constant physical anxiety, and weird sweating that wasn’t very cute. The day after I stopped I felt like myself again.

Every time I hear something the current president says about trans people or my gender not existing or immigration or Gaza I burst into tears or I totally freeze up and then I wonder why it’s so hard. Fascism bingo : Is it the birth control or the dictator?

Sometimes it feels like I move so fast that no one can keep up with me. My circle has gotten smaller over the years both personally and professionally as I need to be with people moving at my same pace. Or at least people who aren’t intimidated by the pace and unpredictability of a tornado.

I did find a new chiropractor and today I am only in discomfort, not pain. This is a huge win. I will take the wins where I can find them. Also pilates is really helping. I did a rental from Sofia Engelman of Queer Body Pilates and I loved it so much.

I got a YMCA membership and yesterday I ran for eight minutes by running for one minutes eight different times with the “Just Run” app. I am very sore today. I listened to Clumsy by Fergie seven times in a row. I also found the area where you can lay down on a mat and stretch and use the little hand weights so that was a huge relief because when I took the tour on Sunday I did not see that area. A very hot person was next to me practicing boxing moves in the mirror. I was like ah yes this is why I come to the gym to remember other bodies exist outside my home, not just to workout.

Anyways back to my attachment system. It’s wound up like a bobbin on a machine where the winder is a little busted so it isn’t quite even and you think it will still do the job but it won’t actually.

What helps me :
Writing about it
Watching a funny TV show (really enjoying Abbott Elementary)
Drinking water
Taking baths
Talking to other friends with similar attachment wounds
Asking for what I need from the person where the activation is the source, even if there is no response - it removes it from my body
Remembering that having needs isn’t the same as being needy

My work has also been incredibly fulfilling lately. I opened up a cohort for twenty creatives to meet for three weeks called Fieldwork. I never promoted it in Monday Monday as an experiment - only to past students, and it filled! If you want to read about it you can here and add yourself to the Fall cohort waitlist here.

The group is so special and I feel so grateful to be hosting a more intimate zoom space and feel into with what that is like.

Two exciting things are happening in Landscapes right now as well. One : We officially have our own theme song written by the amazing Melissa Kaitlyn Carter. Picture : me singing a pop song I made up translated into an ambient indie hymn.

I also launched the Landscapes Fellowship and Residency Program to award three members of Landscapes my house for a full week in June to write alone while I am at grad school. Collaborators, dogs, cats, and kids welcome.

If you were looking for a reason to join Landscapes I’d say these are two good ones. Along with our next two events : Brandi Cheyenne Harper is hosting the BIPOC writers circle this Saturday and next weekend Christi Johnson is our guest writing teacher. Textile icons.

With the help of a writing coach I decided to throw myself a party to celebrate the fact that I finished my first draft of The Practice of Attention (January 2026, Sounds True). I made a flyer using figjam and texted it to a few friends and one seemingly unavailable crush. I really don’t remember to celebrate these milestones and am so grateful for this advice that also brings me closer to my people.

Thats me this week! A little tornado guy floating along the shore of life. Tending to the attachment cycle. Casting spells to call in no more avoidant people into my life. Listening to all the wrong songs giving me all the right feelings.

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CLASSIFIEDS : 

Turning Towards The Flower: A 5 week course on listening to the land, working with the invisible & making place-based flower essences. Starts March 1

Grief Threads returns! a five week online workshop for exploring the mystery-teachings of grief through cloth, quilting, and art-based ritual.

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