A Known Homosexual
Believing I Love You
Dear Reader,
It is a gift to beam into your inbox today. Every Monday I am charmed but today feels especially ripe as I write about one of my favorite things, love. I once retired from writing about love, noticing that it left me feeling empty and alone, even in the sharing of greatness. Like Michael Jordan I love to come out of retirement and try new sports. Or get better at the same ones as before.
In my last serious relationship I found myself projecting a version of what I longed for that wasn’t rooted in reality. This made leaving harder because I had painted a public picture of what I thought was happening, when behind closed doors it was far worse than what I could comprehend.
As my new love has grown I have paused many times to consider how much to share, when to share, and what feels relevant to the reader, to the witness. And while I happen to be gay 365 days out of the year, I am no stranger to the feeling of Pride month pushing me towards my own visibility.
Katy and I have a wild love story that started sixteen years ago. At twenty years old we fell madly in love, but as any good alcoholic knows, I wasn’t ready to keep a good thing going. Fast forward to this past winter when she was visiting her hometown, the one next to mine, and voila - love spells abound, we reunited.
I don’t know that I believe in love at first sight, but I do know that when she walked through the door of my house she was my person. The one I had asked for, wished for, and prayed for. The one who I would take big risks for and protect at all costs.
Trusting love doesn’t come easy for me. I fall hard but then as things settle into their shape I start to question the smallest things. A pull away of the hand, making plans without me, the every day lulls of domesticity. These fears, grounded in my anxious attachment, have been a pain in the ass in most of my relationships. It has felt simply unhealable, like I will never fully believe I am safe enough to relax.
The other night as I was getting ready for sleep Katy sat with me on the edge of the bed, reviewing our day. She tucked me in and said I love you in the way she always does when I go to bed first which is every night. A few minutes later I gasped, I believe you I said.
I realized that for one of the first times in this relationship my first thought after hearing I Love You wasn’t - but when will that run out? It was just - I believed her. I fully believe that this person loves me.
This is a testament to finding someone who is exceptional at showing me love in the ways that make sense to me. But what it also is, which I feel deep satisfaction in, is my resilience to working through my own generational trauma and inner demons. When I realized I believed her I felt the shoulders relax on my ancestors. Like yes, we made it, we believe in love.
Katy teared up and started to cry a bit, which is when I realized that believing she loves me doesn’t just heal me, it heals her. In the trust of love she is seen, she is alive, she is made of stardust.
I love my private little life in the woods, and I also love to shout love from the rooftops. I hope however this Pride month is feeling for you you are able to love yourself fully and let love in.
Last night we watched the first installment of the Pee-Wee Herman documentary and I wept and wept. At the generation we lost to AIDS, at how quickly we can go back into the closet, at how success and wanting to be ourselves collide. I jotted down the phrase “known homosexual” struck by the knowing. To be known, to be seen, to be loved.
I find myself more patient with my fear and more certain of my luck. Loving Katy feels both ancient and startlingly new. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know I want to meet it beside her — and for now, that is enough.
Things of Note :
My SOLD OUT retreat in Northampton just had TWO SPOTS open! I am teaching Scores of the Invisible : a two day writing and movement workshop during my residency at ATLAND - I’d love for you to join! August 23 + 24
This past year I have had the pleasure of being coached by the very cool Dr. Kate Henry and she is teaching an online class you don’t want to miss on Sunday June 29! Get Unstuck and Move Forward: A Project Reset Workshop
I don’t quite have the words today for continued violence, but I do have this that I come back to time and time again
Sister Corita Kent The Solstice Super Sale class bundle ends tonight! Get seven class recordings for only $99
I am hosting sliding scale mat Pilates 1:1 sessions at my home studio in Cedar, MI this Summer : respond to this email to schedule a session. Beginners welcome!
CLASSIFIEDS : Does a part of you love astrology and a part of you love IFS? 🌞 We connect them in our podcast: weekly discussions and ‘scopes for the deep + curious. "It's better than I could've imagined" ☻ Creative support for values-driven & mission-centric artists, makers & small biz owners Get a free month's membership at Sparkle on Substack with Claire Venus. Learn how to set up a free newsletter. Join us for monthly classes to develop your voice and grow sustainably and joyfully. What if your emails could help you sell before you ever launch? This is what I use with 1:1 clients to warm up their list. 👉 Get on the waitlist. A different kind of quilt retreat—space to breathe, reconnect, and explore your creative voice in the quiet beauty of the Pyrenees.
Want to include a classified ad for August? Click here to read more
Instagram : @codycookparrott @personalpractice
Email : info@codycookparrott.com
Website : https://www.codycookparrott.com
Writing Group : Landscapes
Want to read May’s installment for paid subscribers : Check out A Devastated Heart, a Return to the iPhone, and a Pilates shed