Sushi reviews his favorite spots around our neighborhood
Yes, this is a piece that I wrote in-character as my dog, Sushi. Some good (albeit unrelated) news: I was a guest on comedian Laura Lyons’ amazing podcast Iconically Ill recently, where we talked about fibromyalgia, misconceptions about chronic pain, and more. You can listen to the episode on her website, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks again to Laura for having me as a guest!
ANYWAY, here is Sushi.
MY FAVORITE PLACES IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD
By Sushi the dog
Bushes in front of the crab and seafood restaurant: I love going into these bushes even though my humans hate it, because I usually come back out with a bunch of dead leaves and stuff stuck to my beautiful blond hair. The humans don’t like it because they’ll have to brush the dead leaves and mystery bits out of my coat later. Sometimes there are discarded crab bits back there that I try to eat. Sometimes, I succeed, but the humans do not like this because it makes me barf.
Spot on the sidewalk where someone spilled food three months ago: WHAT WAS THIS FOOD? Chili? Chicken? Something with a lot of sauce? I could figure it out if I could just get ONE MORE LICK, or 20 more.
Coffee shop down the block where dogs are allowed: I like this place because the people working there are always saying, “Aww, what a cute dog” when they see me, and I think YES and then immediately try to look even cuter (so they might give me food, which has never happened but IT MIGHT SOMEDAY). I also enjoy staring at one of my humans, Anna, as they eat their scone because maybe I will get a little bit for being a good boy.
Park and walking trail a few blocks away from our place: I love pooping at the park. Love it. Sometimes I will make Anna walk all the way to the park with me so I can poop on one specific dirt pile or some dead weeds, then kick dirt all over their pants and shoes as they say, “Sushi, please stop kicking dirt on me.” BUT IT’S SO FUN. I don’t understand what the big deal is — just wash the pants if dirt gets on them! Or get out of the way of my powerful kicks.
My other human Liam’s car: I get the WHOLE BACKSEAT OF THE CAR and it’s awesome. I don’t like sitting on Anna’s lap up front, so I just whined a bunch whenever we went in the car and I had to sit in the front with them. At some point, the humans finally decided to put me in the backseat with a dog bed and a blanket, like they should have been doing the whole time. Getting the whole backseat to myself made me stop whining during car rides. Looking out the window is cool, but my legs are a bit too short for that, so I usually just take a nap. It’s like having my own bed on wheels. It’s so relaxing.
The Pet Food Express downtown: SO MUCH FOOD. More importantly, so many toys. I would like my humans to buy all of the toys for me, but they tell me I have enough. This is wrong — I need more squeaky toys.
The sidewalk (all of it): The sidewalk is full of mystery treats! Old food bits, spilled drinks that get all sticky, chicken bones, straw wrappers, used napkins — so many tasty things! The sidewalk is like an outside buffet that sometimes gives me diarrhea or makes me throw up. TOTALLY WORTH IT. Sometimes I will meet other small dogs on walks, and they will let me sniff their butt, or we will wag our tails in unison. Awesome.
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