February 25, 2025

On believing people when they show you who they are the first time

NOTE: The following essay discusses sexual assault and harassment; abuse of power; general ableist, racist, and otherwise gross behavior; and use of slurs.

The title of this piece references a quote by Dr. Maya Angelou.

Popular fantasy and comics author Neil Gaiman is a sexual predator. He has been a perpetrator for decades, as detailed in this impeccably researched investigation by journalist Lila Shapiro of New York magazine. It appears that his now ex-wife, musician Amanda Palmer, provided him with a supply of vulnerable young women. At least one of the survivors--the couple’s former nanny, Scarlett Pavlovich--is suing them for alleged human trafficking.

This is one of those situations where I am — despite what people might think — unhappy that I was right. If you’ve been reading my work for a while, you know that I had a phenomenally shitty experience with Amanda and Neil all the way back in 2010.

The short version: I criticized Amanda’s conjoined twins project that she did with Jason Webley; shit hit the fan and I started getting death threats in addition to comments willfully derailing and misunderstanding my post; my brilliant co-blogger Lauredhel wrote another post on disability and conjoined twins, and the same thing happened; Amanda fired back with a classic non-apology blog post (now deleted from her blog, UNSURPRSINGLY), and allowed fans to post SA threats against me in her blog comments, while she and her tech person/blog moderator did nothing to stop said threats. Amanda added a milquetoast “don’t say fuck the haters! We love the haters” disclaimer after the damage had already been done. A few days after she posted on her blog, she appeared on the Australian panel show Good News Week and said that she was being targeted by a “website of disabled feminists,” which got huge laughs from her fellow panelists and the studio audience.

For those wondering, I never received an actual apology from Amanda for the whole “going on TV and laughing about disabled feminists” thing, or the “hosting blog comments with SA threats” thing. Jason and I were talking over email after my initial post blew up, and I did provide him with feedback on the project after he asked me to, but I don’t know if any of this feedback was utilized. I am aware that my feedback reached Amanda at some point. I spent way more time and energy on Evelyn Evelyn than I should have. I also had people dismiss and ignore me when I tried to warn them — for years afterward — that Amanda and Neil are really only in it (fame, feminism, the appearance of being “one of the good ones”) for themselves.

Someone also posted a link to my initial blog post about the Evelyn Evelyn project to Neil’s Facebook page in March of 2010; the link has now been deleted, but I saved Neil’s response to it in a Word doc (perhaps figuring I would need it sometime in the future):

Jacob, interesting link. I think they have some valid concerns, although I think that Evelyn Evelyn, as a piece of performance art and a story, is about conquering obstacles and survivng [sic] and making art against all odds. I'd be interested in seeing what they think when they've heard the record and, most importantly, seen the live show.

It’s weird that neither Amanda or Neil used my name in their posts, even though it was right below the post title. Neil unintentionally got my pronouns right, which is kind of funny in retrospect. It is also interesting that two musicians who were already successful felt so comfortable cribbing from the story of Daisy and Violet Hilton to MAKE ART about succeeding against all odds and SURVIVAL and stuff. I feel the need to point out that this is a pretty tired stereotype about disabled artists — who needs a community movement like disability justice when one (or two, in this case) can succeed by force of will and talent alone?

For the record, I still had mixed feelings about the project after Jason asked me to provide feedback — and yes, Amanda’s behavior factored into my negative feelings about the whole thing. What I do want to talk about is Amanda and Neil’s ongoing use of feminism and progressivism as a smokescreen for ongoing abusive behavior. My point here is not to center myself, although I have been accused of doing so by bringing up “old drama.”

Amanda and Neil’s ongoing use of progressive and feminist talking points — only to then go after anyone who criticizes them for legitimate reasons, and send their fans after those critics — is part of a pattern of abuse. Amanda and her fans have specifically gone after people who — and I think they know this, on some level — would not be listened to or taken seriously as long as Great Artist Amanda Palmer and Good Guy Neil Gaiman controlled the narrative.

Amanda and Neil are so skilled at controlling narratives and using the appearance of being good progressives that they have been able to cover for a bunch of shady shit that includes, but is not limited to:

Trawling college campuses for young women undergrads to proposition them for threesomes. I started noticing these rumors popping up around 2009, and, uh…that these rumors have been going around for a long time is not surprising.

Amanda’s use of the n-word in a song! Oh, but it’s a fictional song about an incel gamer dude so it’s not a big deal; depiction does not equal endorsement, blah blah blah. She seems to have ignored the whole “it’s not a good idea for white people to use the n-word” thing because she’s an artist. I thought people learned this lesson back in the ‘70s with that one Patti Smith song, but apparently not.

Amanda posted some very weird and very racist tweets about product placement in one of Lady Gaga’s music videos. Sparkymonster wrote a post about why Amanda’s idea of “ironically” donating to the KKK is not ironic at all, and is in fact racist. Sparkymonster also received death threats from Amanda’s fans. Question that’s not entirely rhetorical: what is it with these people and making death threats?

Hilarious sidenote: Amanda has an ongoing, one-sided beef with Lady Gaga over…something? Some dipshit tried to defend Evelyn Evelyn--I’m paraphrasing here--with “but what about Lady Gaga’s wheelchair and arm crutch use in the video for ‘Paparazzi’? The blogger did not criticize that!” as a gotcha. To which: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT?

In addition to making death and sexual assault threats for mild criticism, some Amanda Palmer fans are really bad at Googling stuff and/or reading bylines. I wish I could say I was surprised, but these are the same people who were SHOCKED that the conjoined twins were not real after I mentioned it in my initial blog post.

Amanda raised $1.2 million on Kickstarter for an album, then asked fans who were amateur musicians to serve as her backing band on tour without pay. Amanda promised that the volunteers would be paid in “hugs and beer,” but reversed course after a bunch of people — including legendary producer Steve Albini — said that not paying people for their work was a dick move. Those people were right. Amanda eventually said she would pay people for their work. Hey, a little bit of progress (but only after a LOT of pushback)!

Amanda had planned to do an in-conversation event with now-disgraced Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) host Jian Ghomeshi in 2014. Yes, that Jian Ghomeshi, a sexual predator who was accused of violently assaulting several young women. Ghomeshi was eventually dropped from the event, but not before Amanda wrote yet another blog post about how hard the whole situation was for her and how hate has no place in her fan community. What were those sayings about birds of a feather and the company one keeps, again?

Amanda utilized feminism as cover for more bullying when she targeted the Guardian’s deputy music editor, Laura Snapes, for — get this — not covering her “feminist” 2019 album There Will Be No Intermission. To Amanda, feminism apparently means going after a journalist for the unforgivable sin of NOT COVERING HER “FEMINIST” ALBUM. And keeping it up for months. Amanda maintained that she was “not entitled” to coverage while acting like she was entitled to it. Cool feminism there, Amanda!

Both Amanda and Neil have been very skilled at using the language and concepts of mainstream feminism and liberalism to make themselves look like beacons of progressive thought. Here is just one example (hat tip to Mer, whose piece on this whole thing is worth reading); I recommend reading that exchange while listening to this sound effect. For two people who have used the right progressive talking points to make themselves look good online, they are really bad at not victimizing people.

They were also, at one point, extremely wealthy. Amanda was well-known for going on and on about the power of crowdfunding to support musicians, both for her 2012 record Theatre is Evil (for which she raised $1.2 million dollars on Kickstarter), and later her lifestyle on Patreon. To quote writer Jessa Crispin, who has an entire article about these two that you should read:

“Be more like Neil Gaiman.” And what was Neil Gaiman? Always online. He kept a public journal, logged into social media like it was his day job, and did lots of public appearances with marathon sessions of meet-and-greets and book signings. He took very public stances on political issues, leading him to be elevated as an important ally and spokesperson. He took up long correspondence with fans and students. That he was doing this not only to sell books but also to source broken teenage girls for his sex life was something of a running joke. The only people who truly benefit from erasing the boundaries between creator and audience are those eager for unhindered access to the awestruck and the manipulable.

Crispin also contends that Gaiman and Palmer regularly hung out with wealthy tech businessmen, including Apple CEO Tim Cook and Amazon founder Jeff Bezos — even while Palmer, who owned multiple real estate properties, kept haranguing her Patreon followers to give her money. Her success, after all, was FEMINIST! And YOU, fan/Kickstarter backer/Patreon supporter/Twitter follower, could be a part of that success!

Does any of this sound familiar? To me, it does: it’s just Lean In-style feminism in alt/goth clothing. This is (again) corporate, individualist feminism as a cover for taking financial and sexual advantage of other people. In my opinion, that is the opposite of progressive feminism, but I also don’t want to leap headfirst into a no true Scotsman fallacy. I guess you can identify as a feminist and be a person who does not live those values. Yes, even while you parrot the right language online. If you are committed to progressive feminism and leftism, then that should be reflected in how you treat other people. It’s not just a costume that you can take on and off, like you did with the conjoined twins that you made up. If that’s your M.O., then I can also say that your feminism sucks, and I am not interested in helping you achieve your goal of being The Most Feminist Couple Who Ever Lived.

Because of my life experiences as a nonbinary and chronically ill person, I’ve had to cultivate a more intersectional understanding of feminism. Feminism is not about individual women and people of marginalized genders winning at capitalism, despite what Sheryl Sandberg might tell you — it is supposed to be about liberating ALL PEOPLE OF MARGINALIZED GENDERS. Not just cis women, not just wealthy and successful women, not just women without visible disabilities, not just a “feminist” musician who provided her predator husband with victims whom she failed to pay on time for providing childcare. Anyone else hearing echoes of the 2012 “hey amateur musicians, play at my shows for free and I will pay you in hugs and beer!” fuckup with that last part? Members of the gentry class not paying people who are in a more economically precarious position for their labor is a cliché for a reason.

Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman have shown themselves as feminist and progressive only when it suits them. Predators, grifters, and assholes using leftist language and concepts as public cover to hide deeply heinous shit that they do in private is not new; it’s also a bigger problem than just Neil and Amanda mistreating people.

When Amanda decided to make my identity into a joke on Good News Week, I thought, “Oh, so she’s one of those ‘I’m not like OTHER feminists! I’m fun!’ feminists.” She gave off strong I’m not like other girls energy with that appearance. Her blog post where she accused me of being a hater and just like the people who told her throughout her career that she was not feminist enough, too fat, too loud, and whatever else instead of actually engaging with what I wrote was also a master class in “well, I’m not like those feminists who can’t see the fun and wonder in my project about sexually abused conjoined twins!” Well, excuse me for my sense of wonder and fun being dampened by the statistics about disabled people and sexual assault. The message underlying this bit was basically “criticizing me, Amanda Palmer, for ableism, is sexist!” If you’re being an asshole to other marginalized people because they critiqued your performance art project that reinforces disability stereotypes, you don’t get a pass just because you are a woman. Come on.

I know that getting feedback and engaging with criticism can be difficult. However, I’d venture a guess that most artists who get legit criticism don’t word vomit on their blog, take the adoring comments from fans as proof they’re right, and then make fun of their critics’ life circumstances on TV. Some artists would have taken the time to reflect about whether they and their friend really do need to dress up as conjoined twins and sing about those fictional twins’ awful lives onstage. Not Amanda, though — she just pulled the “I’m sorry you were offended” move and doubled down.

When Neil condescendingly dismissed my post on Facebook, I thought, “Huh, this is giving me weird vibes and I have no idea why.” That uneasy feeling in my gut was telling me something, so I stopped engaging with their work. I saw something odd in both Neil and Amanda’s behavior that I had trouble articulating until recently. I tried not to take it personally when a mutual on social media would gush over their art and/or how they were such progressive feminists. I had to bite my tongue countless times when people would hold up Amanda and Neil as some kind of creative power couple who deserved to be worshipped because they were “good” celebrities.

I only stopped having nightmares about the death and SA threats a couple of years ago. I have had to talk about this stupid incident from 2010 multiple times in therapy. Huh, bullying critics and sending your fans to do the dirty work has consequences! Who could have guessed? Probably not Amanda and Neil, who can seemingly empathize with characters they’ve created and the fans who continue to support their work -- but not with people they’ve harassed, dismissed, othered, used, and taken advantage of for decades.

The creep chickens have finally come home to roost. Amanda is not like other feminists; the many stories I’ve heard since 2010 about her groping and kissing other women without their consent (including some who were underage) attests to this. According to Shapiro’s article, Amanda heard from 14 different women about Neil’s sexual assaults and harassment over the years, and did absolutely nothing. This indicates that her “feminism” is about herself and what she wants. Neil’s act of “oh-I’m-just-an-affable-British-dude-who-can’t-understand-consent-due-to-my-autism; also, check out my progressive bona fides” has always been about what he wants. Neil and Amanda got what they wanted — wealth from being working creatives, fame, institutional cred, and power over vulnerable people--so fuck everybody else.

Maybe not literally, though, considering that lawsuit.

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