Issue 8 - Same-sex "Marriage"
Biblical Understanding
To revisit the last newsletter, I want to briefly discuss how the design and purpose of marriage inform the way Christians should think about same-sex “marriage” and gay weddings, before summarizing a recent discussion surrounding this issue.
Same-sex marriage does not fit the design of marriage
While it is trite to say “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” it is worth reiterating the fact that God could have made another man to help Adam, but determined that it was necessary that the helper be a woman. In both Genesis 1 and 2, the sexual binary is directly tied to the (pre-fall) purpose which God had given to mankind. Jesus directly affirmed that the template for marriage is one man and one woman. Therefore, while two men, or two women, can publicly commit to love each other forever, and share health insurance and bank accounts, they can’t actually be “married”, as only God can grant marriage (“what God has joined together”), and marriage can only be granted according to his design.
Same-sex marriage does not fit the purpose of marriage
Circling back to the four purposes of marriage described in the last newsletter:
Procreation. Same-sex marriage cannot produce offspring. While it’s true that elderly people and infertile people can be married, a male/female union that can’t produce children is still the kind of union that can produce children. Thus, the consideration isn’t so much “can this particular union produce children” but “in principle, can this type of union produce children.” For heterosexual couples the answer is yes. For same-sex couples the answer is no.
Intimacy. As Paul makes clear in Ephesians, the metaphor of Christ and the Church proclaimed by marriage depends on the one-flesh union of a man and a women - of a separate bride and groom. The metaphor is made complete by the distinct roles assigned to the bride (loving submission like the Church) and the groom (sacrificial love like Christ). Committed same-sex relationships do not serve as a signpost to our final relationship with Jesus.
Social order. I am taking for granted an orthodox view of sexuality, which is that homosexuality is a sin. If that’s true, then same-sex relationships are outside the bounds God set on sexual intimacy, which means they cannot fulfill God’s design for social order.
Sanctification. By definition, embracing sin and living out a lifelong commitment to it, is the opposite of sanctification. Moreoever, as former lesbian and current author Rosaria Butterfield notes, one of the reasons to oppose gay marriage in principle, is precisely because of the barrier it puts in front of salvation. Specifically, it can be incredibly difficult to turn away from homosexuality and live a life of sexual holiness. But it’s even harder to divorce your spouse and then turn away from homosexuality. The higher the cost to following Jesus, the harder it will be for people to do so.
I also want to return briefly to Christopher Ash’s point that I raised last time, about how the primary purpose of marriage is not to address relational loneliness. This comes up a lot in the gay-marriage debate. In fact, it’s cited multiple times in the Supreme Court decision that legalized gay marriage, demonstrating the extent to which the conception of marriage as combating loneliness dominates in our society:
“Marriage responds to the universal fear that a lonely person might call out only to find no one there. It offers the hope of companionship and understanding and assurance that while both still live there will be someone to care for the other”
“[Same-sex couples’] hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions.” (emphasis mine)
However, God did not create marriage as the primary means to address relational loneliness. This indicates that the other means he ordained to address loneliness apply to homosexual individuals as well (pages 13-19 in Ash’s longer article expand on the case for why loneliness is primarily addressed outside of marriage). This nullifies a Biblical case for same-sex marriage as required to address loneliness among homosexuals.
To be clear, this doesn’t mean we should be flippant about unfulfilled desires among people with same-sex attraction. The desire for romantic attachment and sexual outlet is incredibly powerful for many people. To be denied that would be a difficult cross to bear, and the body of Christ should do everything in our power to walk with people living with such unmet desires and help to fulfill their other relational needs. This applies not just to those with same-sex attraction, but also singles within the church - many of whom will never get married. Jesus himself said “There are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others.” There has always been a proportion of people who never get married. We should keep in mind that the call to be devoted to God in the face of unfulfilled desires for sex and romantic attachment has always and will always be extended to heterosexuals as well.
Cultural Understanding
The issue of whether Christians should attend gay weddings exploded online in early 2024 when comments made by beloved pastor Alistair Begg in the fall of 2023 became widely circulated. Begg, who is perhaps best known for his amazing “Man on the middle cross” monologue, is widely respected and known to have orthodox views on human sexuality. However, in the offending interview, he advised a woman to go to her grandchild’s same-sex wedding (it was actually a “straight” wedding to a transgender individual of the same sex). His stated reason was “Your love for them [showing up to the wedding] may catch them off guard, but your absence will simply reinforce the fact that they said ‘These people are what I always thought: judgmental, critical, unprepared to countenance anything.’” Begg was widely criticized (rightly so in my opinion) and when he doubled-down on his position, had his Truth for Life radio program dropped from American Family Radio.
I’ve had friends with high personal stakes struggle with whether or not Christians should attend gay weddings. I have strong convictions that we should not, and have advised so when asked. I recently come across two very good essays that articulated the case much better than I ever could:
Theologian Carl Trueman notes
“In short, attending a gay wedding involves remaining silent when one should speak. It involves a concession on bodily sex that undermines any attempt to hold fast to the importance of the biological distinction between men and women. And it involves approving of a ceremony that makes a mockery of a central New Testament teaching and of Christ himself. That’s a very high price tag for avoiding hurting someone’s feelings.”
Pastor and seminary professor Denny Burk argues
“Of course, Christians want to extend love and keep the door open for gospel conversations, but surely this good desire is not by itself a sufficient moral framework for making ethical decisions. I doubt many pastors would counsel parents to attend a polyamorous commitment service, or their son’s Klan induction ceremony, or their daughter’s abortion party. These may seem like extreme examples, but they help to reveal necessary moral principles. There are events and celebrations and ceremonies that are so sinful and offensive to God (and should be offensive to us) that we wouldn’t think twice about turning down an invitation, no matter how hurt or angry a friend or family member was by our non-attendance. I suspect that gay weddings don’t offend many Christians in the same way because these ceremonies have already become normalized.”
He later lists several potential consequences of arguing that attending gay weddings is acceptable, and I single out the following because I think it will be our biggest temptation as our culture increasingly asks us to participate in activities that are dishonoring to God.
“I am concerned that Christians will adopt an approach to ethical reasoning that allows them to say “yes” to inappropriate requests so long as they are privately opposed and the intentions in their hearts are right.”
For one final perspective: pastor Joby Martin explained in an interview how the whole point of a wedding ceremony is not only a celebration/affirmation of the event, but also an implicit (or in some cases explicit) pledge on behalf of attendees to support the union. This makes a wedding completely different from other types of celebrations (in the same interview, Joby said he would attend the birthday party of a child raised by a same-sex couple since it does not have those two elements). For this reason, Christians should also avoid attending other types of wedding ceremonies that violate God’s commands (for example, a friend who cheated on his wife and is marrying his mistress).
The interview also notes that while we should not attend a same-sex wedding, we should be the first people to invite the same-sex couple over for dinner when they have returned from honeymoon, to demonstrate that our love for, and connection to, the couple remains. While loving people sometimes means refusing to affirm their sin, we must always be sure to love them across the other dimensions of the call to love as well.