Dear Friends,

One of the most frequently asked questions I get is about my new job/identity as a Buddhist chaplain trainee. WTF is it, and why did I decide to do this?

The traditional definition of a chaplain is: a minister who cares for people in crisis who are displaced from their preferred place of living. This can range from people suffering from illness (hospital), death (hospice), incarceration (prisons).

It’s like being an ER doctor for spiritual care, composed of Judeo-Christian traditions.

The modern definition of a chaplain broadens the traditional definition: it now encompasses those who are experiencing a mental displacement, people in existential crisis. Waves hands all around.

It’s like being a primary care doctor, taking care of spiritual health within the context of every day life.

Our program director, who also happens to be my meditation teacher Gil Fronsdal, created this chaplaincy program in response to the tragedies of 9/11.

He calls it his pyramid scheme for joy and compassion. The antidote to hate.

But why did I want to be part of his “pyramid scheme”?

I’ll answer the why in more detail.

Even those of us who spent weeks working on the application, sitting in retreats to meet requirements, getting letters of recommendation…wonder what exactly we applied for.

It’s a calling, you know?

When I practiced more in the Christian leaning, I used to imagine that Jesus would call me up once in a while and tell me something, but I let it go to voicemail. Or more realistically, me begging Jesus for something I want to happen.

Even now, when something scary happens, I ask Jesus AND the Buddha for help.

The closest thing I can use to describe a “calling” in both traditions…in Christianity, it’s like the Holy Spirit visits and I have to answer. In Buddhism, the causes and conditions, like soil tilled, has allowed the sprout to start growing.

In our first chaplaincy class, we spent the entire day talking about what a chaplain is and how we can serve the community. We all had the same story—although we can tell each other scenarios where we feel inspired, the true reason is nebulous to us beyond a vague sense of calling.

Nonetheless, here is my accumulation of scenarios that led to the chaplaincy path. For brevity I will not go into too much detail here and skip over many important points of juncture, but I want to illustrate the ups and downs:

• Immigrant family story, going from extreme poverty to relative prosperity in one generation

• Dad got very sick, mom had to look after dad

• Extreme poverty, escaped from civil unrest

• Managed to get ahead in school, left home and went to college in the US, dabbled in Buddhism

• Studied neuroscience PhD and did a postdoc, got really into Buddhism

• Left academia and went into corporate America

• Felt joyless at job, decided to strike it out on my own

• Discovered Write of Passage and passion for writing about incorporating spirituality in everyday life

• Decided to become a Buddhist chaplain

It might seem like some kind of hero’s journey (bad stuff, really bad stuff, then good stuff!) But it never felt that way. I started doing things…but I didn’t know why. And if I look back, then it starts to make some kind of narrative thread.

What I didn’t mention above was…

• How my mom didn’t have anyone to talk to, so I was her only companion through all the pains our family experienced. Endless one-sided conversations about how tragic our entire family’s lives are, with no coping skills taught to me as a child. If I can give my child-self a huge hug and get her out of there, I would. This is the primary reason why I wanted to pursue the chaplaincy training—I had/have emotionally shut down just to survive, and I would like to regain this capacity for myself, for my family, for everyone around the world.

• How I got into Buddhism because I was clinically depressed. Graduate school was grinding me down and I felt like a complete failure who didn’t deserve to live.

• How my writing friends and the act of writing saved me from the pits of despair and cognitive deficits I experienced from a hormonal disorder.

• How I had wanted to become a Buddhist chaplain and train under Gil over 5 years ago, but never committed because I didn’t think I was good enough. Brave enough. Nor did my job allow me the flexibility to attend the program at the time, so this wasn’t possible until I started working for myself.

Even Steve Jobs said in a graduation speech…we can only connect the dots in our lives, backwards.

If this is so, then are we not pressuring ourselves needlessly by contorting life into a hero’s journey framework? What if we can instead, look backwards and inwards? Towards our heart, our desire to be loved and to be kind to ourselves. In fact, our search for a “personal monopoly” may be this desire in disguise.

I can see now how every life decision I make…has to do with this desire to overcome self-hatred and unease about my past.

In chaplaincy training, we learn to serve others and ourselves through kindness and compassion. I have had the opportunity to support my friends in their creator journey, pointing out ways in which our minds trick us into being unkind or unforgiving. It was like seeing a reflection of how my own mind works, and in helping others I bring joy to myself too. Yet I sense that love and compassion likely share the same neural pathways regardless of its intended subject. Therefore, I train to be kind and compassionate to myself, so I can wholeheartedly serve the world.

Warm Wishes,

Christin