September 27, 2024

Issue 1

Real people, recreational mispronunciation, and news from Data Lake

Real People: Alan

Have you ever been in the middle of a sentence and forgotten what you were talking about? Alan was not so burdened. He remembered everything he ever saw, did, or thought, and he said it aloud as soon as any piece of inventory scooted across his temporal lobe. He did this no matter where he was or what he was doing. I was on a long bike ride¹ with him one night and he never took a breath, not even on hills, and riding a single speed at that. He and I made good companions that night because we were both riding single speeds and he was able to speak without interruption because I was too focused on keeping my lungs in my body.

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Catalog of Archetypes

AT6532: That new hire executive who thinks it’s as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli to land hot with a boldly austere take on how much more people should be doing, and the mid-tiers who fall in as their hype squad (AT6532.2).

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False Mythologies

The phrase was originally, "Smoke 'em WHILE you got 'em," and it was from Norse mythology. People left packs of cigarettes on their window sill for Pall Elves. If there were still cigarettes in the pack when they wanted one, they smoked them. If it was empty, the elves had taken their share.

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Recreational Mispronunciation

Bronchitis: bron-CHEE-deez

Beautiful: byoo-TYFE-ul

Marvelous: mm-AIR-velous

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The Data Lake Dispatch

About 10 months ago a Strong Man mono-named Unitis, arrived in Data Lake and began posting flyers for his show. Entertainment is sparse around here so no one minded that he didn’t obtain a permit, especially since the government building that housed the Office of Special Events was in a permanent state of glitch. It was never declared anything official like a burial ground or a memorial site because at certain intervals of the glitch you could see people moving around inside. That, and they still responded to emails.

Unitis’ diet consisted of one large daily meal made of raw eggs and dill, which he prepared and consumed as part of his act. He cracked the eggs into a glass bowl and added two heaping tablespoons of dill at the end after washing his hands of any remaining egg whites. He always asked if any of the women in the audience had a hatpin he could use to scramble it, but that kind of hat never caught on here, so he ended up using the wooden dowel that held his bun in a knot. This would cause his hair to fall, which Deaconess Brunson tried to put a stop to on the grounds that it “walked right up to the edge of titillating.” In the end she didn’t get enough votes, but she continued to attend the shows, and made a small show of her own by stiffening and looking away sharply as he scrambled. She hadn’t fooled anyone, though.

Unitis performed his act on the steps of the courthouse, and the audience sat on an array of stone benches used for special town announcements. About a month before he arrived in town a 12-foot silver shard rose out of the ground to the right of the steps. All it did was hum an Ab for 30 seconds three minutes after the hour. The town was unphased by this sort thing by now, so long as no one got hurt. The shard was polished to a mirror finish and from her seat on the front row (she was a Deaconess, for goodness sake) she could see his scrambling as clearly as if she still faced him. To borrow a phrase, there is nothing new under the sun.

The Strong Man decided to take up permanent residence in Data Lake, but because of his diet of eggs and dill he was asked to only consider the homes on the west side of town. The phenomena around the lake had caused the wind to permanently blow east to west, and this best solved for the pestilential cloud he produced during his evening walks. Besides, the west side of town had the best view of the mountains, and looking at them was the only safe way to still enjoy them.

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End Transmission