(new post - art, art meta) bloodborne and coping with pain
a doodley illustration i started last year, and chipped away at until i finally finished it just recently.
i played Bloodborne for the first time in late 2023 through early 2024. as i was attempting ludwig the accursed/the holy blade in the DLC, i started experiencing significant heartburn and upper abdominal pain. i'm sure i'm not the first to feel that when seeing him for the first time. i'd had such episodes before, but this one was unrelenting - basically exactly from this night onward, i stopped being able to tolerate probably 90% of what i ate before. i began having to endure these extreme episodes of abdominal pain much more frequently for much, much longer at a time, usually 2-4 hours - sometimes as long as 8. i soon came to find out that my gallbladder was a goner and i got it removed later that year.
in the meantime, i developed a coping mechanism of sorts for these episodes. i would imagine myself as a wolf running through a maze of a gothic building; down a ladder, through a hallway, up a winding staircase with the blood moon visible. i would recite this in my mind to myself, too. down the ladder, through the hall, up the stairs. this started spontaneously, but i quickly realized that my brain was pulling on what it felt like to sprint through an area in Bloodborne, to get back to attempting a boss or other problem area. areas are split into smaller, tightly-designed sections, much like a screen in Megaman - terrain and enemies are placed together to force you into strategizing a way to fight, or just run past. especially when you're frustrated, exhausted, rushing to get back somewhere, getting through each part of a "run" back to an area felt like just hanging in there until you get to "this part", "okay and now just get to here", "okay and now we're here". get to the stairs. get to the cave. and there's our good friend ludwig, once again. anyone else need some tums?
people often complain about boss runs in souls games, but i found myself coming to have an appreciation for (most) of them. a friend of mine said that they're almost meditative; it gives you some time to think about what you're going to do on your next try. i think this gameplay loop has the potential to teach you to be patient with agony. of course frustration at a video game is nothing like a gallbladder attack - it's much worse and more serious. my brain definitely engaged that same pathway to cope with the gallbladder pain. i had to just "get through" a few seconds, and then i would get through the next few seconds, and then i would get through those few seconds. just get to the ladder, then get to the hallway, then get to the room with the arching windows; eventually, gradually, the pain would be over. i said to someone on bluesky that it's a shame the old guard of the souls fandom has such a reputation for being so toxic, because i do think these games (in gameplay and occasionally, story) can be vehicles for learning humility and perseverance.
(leave a comment on the blog post itself if you want! t’oyaxsut ‘nüüsm 🧡)