lost, not gone | a Qifrey centric fic | Completed
Rating: PG-13 (Teens)
Relationships: Qifrey & Olruggio, Qifrey/Olruggio (heavily implied)
Characters: Qifrey, Olruggio
Tags: Pre-canon, Introspection, Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary:
The first time it happened, Qifrey only felt dread.
It was not because he had done something terrible—no, it was only because he had done something terrible, and he felt no remorse over it.
Does Qifrey even have a heart anymore?
word count: 1733
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Witch Hat Atelier, or any of the related characters. The Witch Hat Atelier series is created by Shirahama Kamome and owned by Kodansha Ltd. This story is intended for entertainment purposes only. I am not making any profit from this story. All rights of the Witch Hat Atelier series belong to Kodansha Ltd.
The first time it happened, Qifrey only felt dread.
It was not because he had done something terrible—no, it was only because he had done something terrible, and he felt no remorse over it.
The spell was far too easy to draw. Even if the spell was so foreign to him, his pen glided over the paper with surprising ease, and not a single stroke of ink could be found that indicated doubt or fear.
He didn't even have to look at his quire when he drew it.
As Olruggio yelled at him for being so reckless, his hands were already working, and before he knew it, Olruggio lay in a heap on soft grass, memories snatched in less than a second.
Qifrey stared at Olruggio then sat down beside him.
The question was already forming in his mind, but he waved it away and kept watch over his best friend's body.
However, the more he drew that spell, the more the question seemed to stick in his head, desperately calling for his attention, waiting for an answer.
What else did they take from you?
Qifrey gazed at Olruggio from across the table, who looked none the wiser. He was eating his fill of the meal they had both prepared after their little talk. He ate with no reservation, while Qifrey only felt empty with no desire to fill himself up again.
"I apologize. I have to go." Qifrey said, standing up. "I’m not hungry.”
"You hardly ate." Olruggio pointed out, concern flashing in his eyes. "Are you sick?"
Olruggio's words only served Qifrey to feel even more despair at how much his friend cared for him. How would Olruggio react if he found the truth?
Yet, even as his mind conjured the image of Olruggio realizing Qifrey's betrayal, he felt no regret at all.
"No, I just don't feel hungry. I'll eat later." The lie came out all too easily. "I'll be in my room."
Before Olruggio could prod further, Qifrey left the dining room and made his way to the confines of his bedroom.
The atelier was still empty, with no children yet to look after. Perhaps there was still time to back out, tell the Great Hall he would not take in students. They would obviously take his announcement with great joy and with no ounce of sorrow to spare.
He could settle down somewhere closer to Kahln or become one of those traveling witches who spread the joy of magic in their own ways.
They already hated him for existing; there was no doubt they’d hate him even more for taking in students of his own.
Qifrey sighed and locked his door behind him.
The details behind his stolen eye were still hazy, but he remembered bits and pieces. The brimhats who conducted experiments on him laughed and smiled at him with such glee on their smoke-veiled faces that it made him feel viscerally sick. They told him that he was the cream of the crop, the tree that stood the tallest in such a dense forest.
The wording was hardly lost on him.
They claimed they had given him a gift and that he would either achieve great things or help them achieve great things.
What else had they taken from him?
Qifrey placed his hand on his beating heart. It was always far too slow, but they concluded long ago that it was another bizarre “normal” with him.
Was it because it was not his heart to begin with?
There were far too many gaps in his memory for him to be sure, and it left him paralyzed in his bed too many nights in the past.
But he was certain there were other children.
Others who were like him; others unlike him.
But Qifrey remembered that he was alone at the end.
Qifrey sat on the edge of his bed and looked outside his window, the sun setting on the horizon. The last rays of light clung onto the frays of the sky, and slowly, darkness took over.
But what he remembered the most was the searing pain when they carved his eye out. His agonized screams were silenced, and his entire body was paralyzed with magic, but he was awake the entire time.
He could never forgive them.
What else had they taken from me?
But that question was slowly growing obsolete.
It was no longer a matter of his heart; whether he had a heart or not was no longer the issue when he repeatedly took something that he had no right to destroy.
He already knew it didn't exist. He could not mourn a heart that never existed in the first place.
So the question changed over time.
Am I just like them?
The spell flickered into his mind, and Qifrey let out a humorless laugh.
He already knew the answer to that one.
But before he could spiral even further, there was a gentle knock on his door.
Qifrey considered telling Olruggio to leave him alone. Still, he knew it would raise questions, and he hated dealing with a troubled Olruggio.
And he could never stand the sight of a crestfallen Olruggio.
So he stood up and unlocked his door and came face to face with Olruggio.
“I was worried about you. Are you okay?” Olruggio placed his hand on Qifrey’s forehead, and Qifrey fought the urge to take his hand and rest his cheek in the palm.
“I’m good, Olly,” Qifrey moved away but left enough space so that Olruggio could enter the bedroom. “You don’t have to worry so much about me.”
“I worry about you because I know you,” Olruggio told him, leaning against the wall adjacent to his bed. “And I know that you’re not okay. Really, what’s the matter?”
Qifrey sat on the side of his bed and wondered if he should tell Olruggio everything.
I’m sorry.
I’m a bad person.
You should stay away from me.
Who knows what could happen if you stayed.
“I don’t deserve you,” Qifrey said at last, the words coming out pathetically small. “You’re far too kind to me.”
“Where’s this coming from?” Olruggio pushed himself off the wall and made his way to sit down beside Qifrey. When he sat down, the bed dipped down with his weight, and Qifrey could feel the warmth radiating off him. He didn't deserve it of course. There was nothing he deserved after what he did.
“Did you know, when we were still children, I thought that you would eventually stop being my friend,” Qifrey said, far too honest for some reason. “I waited for you to stop talking to me every day.”
Olruggio pushed his shoulder against Qifrey’s and let out a small airy laugh. “You were the one to stop talking to me first. You have no idea how upset I was,” he said. “I thought I’d done something to make you mad.”
“You did not. But the same reasons stand,” Qifrey said, putting his hands together. He wanted to stop there, but he felt like he was drunk, his mouth far too loose for someone who was sober. “I’m a victim of forbidden magic. You could have more than this.”
Olruggio looked at Qifrey with far too much compassion in them. “That’s not true. I have everything with you.” He took Qifrey’s hand and squeezed it tight. “You’re even building a home for us right now. It’s more than I could ever ask for.”
Qifrey let out one humorless laugh. “One day, my past might catch up with me, you know?”
Olruggio let go of Qifrey’s hand, but it lingered like it always did. “It might. But it might not. And I hope it doesn’t because I know I’ll lose you if it does,” he said, head bent down like he was in prayer, and his voice barely above a whisper.
It already has. If it’s like that, you’ve already lost me a long time ago.
“Well, I’m here,” Qifrey leaned against Olruggio, taking the steps back to somewhere safer, somewhere they could retreat without fear. "I'm here right now."
Olruggio raised his head and smiled. “You’re here right now,” he agreed. “And I’m right here beside you. And I’ll be here no matter what.”
Qifrey smiled in what he hoped to be a genuine manner. But maybe it failed to reach Olruggio’s standard of “real” since his best friend reached out to push back his hair to look at his entire face.
If it was someone else, Qifrey would have pushed them back by now in a panic. But it was Olruggio, so he let him and sank his face in his warm hands that held him like he was a god reincarnate.
“Even if you end up in a situation that’s less than ideal, whatever that may be, I’ll be here for you. Even if I get angry at whatever path you’ve decided to take, I’ll be there, and I’ll forgive you,” Olruggio bowed his head, and Qifrey felt compelled to do the same and pushed their foreheads together. “No matter what.”
Qifrey smiled, knowing that Olruggio wouldn’t see it. Despite everything, Olruggio still managed to make his heart swell with emotion. It reminded him that he was still human, whatever that meant.
“Thank you, Olly. That means a lot coming from you,” Qifrey said, their heads slowly separating.
“I’m just glad you feel better. Are you hungry?” Olruggio asked, stroking Qifrey’s cheek one more time before pulling his hands away.
Qifrey hummed. “I am now.”
“Let me join you,” Olruggio stood up from the bed and was already heading out of Qifrey’s bedroom.
Qifrey joined him and fixed his hair while he was at it. “Haven’t you finished eating yet?”
“Well, I thought I could wait for you to come back. The food always tastes better when you’re around, you see,” Olruggio gave him a smile and slipped his hand into his. “So let’s enjoy our meal together, shall we?”
“Of course, Olruggio.” At last, Qifrey gave him a smile that came from the bottom of his heart and let himself be pulled towards the kitchen.
END.
notes: all mistakes are my own.
there's no point to this fic huh? well it is interesting tho :>
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