Fear and Pain #20
To start, let me apologize. What follows is a too-honest newsletter written a my most vulnerable. I needed to write it. But you don’t have to read it. I understand if it’s too much right now. Please lend me that grace, too.
Election 2024
It’s Wednesday, November 6. Yesterday the United States held its general election, voting Donald Trump back into the presidency. It will be two more months before he takes office.
I’ve spent the last several weeks too focused on the election. It has introduced so much stress into my life that I’ve had difficulties maintain a semblance of normalcy. I recognize now the aspects of ADHD fixation at play. This isn’t the first time that I’ve been unhealthily drawn into politics. I can acknowledge that while also knowing I’m not able as I am to change it.
Not being able to change things is a layered truth, it seems. This is the reality we live in. It’s a nightmare come to life, and one we’ve lived through before. We should have known better. We should have done better. Blame, fault — it couldn’t matter less. What does matter is acknowledging the failure and the consequences to come.
Consequences
I don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to hurt myself, and to make entirely clear to those who may be picking up their phones as they read this, I will not hurt myself. But I don’t want to be experiencing this moment or the moments we all know are to come. Those moments play out vividly in my mind due to a sort of fucked involuntary self-defense mechanism meant to blunt their often inevitable occurrence less. Something everyone has to a degree, but mine is…throttling. Crippling, even. Perhaps my id believes constantly processing potential trauma protects me from the actual. I wouldn’t recommend it.
I see my family struggling to overcome changes to retirement and healthcare, and the cost it will take on their finances and health. I see friends reliant on government support having it ripped from them. LGBT friends and family having their hearts and health options torn away. Friends of color terrified and abused. Prices rising and futures taken away. The worst people and their endless lies, hate, and open distaste for the value of human life everpresent. And for myself, the painful empathy of experiencing it all happen to those I love. I’ve long prepared for it for myself, after all. But please, not my loved ones. I don’t want this life.
I love so much about living, but I am not built to withstand these overwhelming painful emotions. The fear is a colossus. All of my trained coping mechanisms don’t scale this broadly. I don’t want this. I don’t want more of it. It’s endless in this moment. It’s too much.
Yet. I will do my best. I will embrace the small moments. I will pursue joy in my hobbies. I will strive to be productive. I will love my friends and family. I will be alive. For the people who love me, and the pain I could never allow myself to make them feel due to my own actions.
Lightning Round
This newsletter is already too much. But for the sake of levity and because folk have asked, here’s what I’ve been up to:
Metaphor ReFantazio: 80+ hours went into fully completing this beautifully flawed RPG. It is, of course, about politics, fighting for what’s right, and not giving up hope. I adore it, if only because it was willing to talk about racism, oppression, religion, politics, and so much more. It’s painfully naive and unwilling to say anything particularly profound, but it did more than most. It might be ruined for me because of the election, though. What if Louis won?
Deadlock: Valve’s currently-in-beta MOBA-shooter Deadlock is outstanding. It’s fun and challenging and unique. It’s great with friends. It can be soul-crushing at times when games go particularly bad. But for now, I’m still loving it. It reminds me of when Overwatch first launched, but I think Deadlock might be a better proper game.
The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom: Zelda’s first proper game as full protagonist! This game is so special. It’s not going to win Game of the Year, and it won’t topple most of Link’s games on any given ranking list. But it’s simple, polished, different, and has a lot of heart. I hope there’s a sequel. Beds are broken.
Hashbrowns: Cooking good hashbrowns has always been my bane. But I’ve given up on perfection to embrace simplicity. Cut up a potato into small cubes, fry it in olive oil, and eat it in a tortilla mixes with scrambled eggs and bacon/sausage. I’m a big fan of breakfast and this has been helping give me a foundation each day. Any hashbrown tips?
Wrestling: I’m not enjoying AEW TV right now and have taken a break. Kenny Omega showed up on a recent NJPW show, though. He was challenged by Gabe Kidd. Sigh. Wrestling, man.
Next Up: Dragon Age: Veilguard and the most recent Murderbot book. That’s if I can actually wind down and allow myself to relax anytime soon. Hey, I managed to write this newsletter!
Thank you, everyone, for reading my silly newsletter and sending me messages afterward. I’ve missed it since I took my newsletter hiatus. Love y’all so much, — Rory