Vampires: What's The Deal?
A very poorly researched and unserious review of modern vampire stories and their accuracy.
Vampires. We know ‘em. We love ‘em. But do we understand them? I don’t think so. So I’m going to do my best to change that here.
DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS POORLY RESEARCHED, NOT SERIOUS, AND JUST FOR FUN. PURELY STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS ABOUT VAMPIRES
The main sources for this post are as follows: The Lost Boys, which I watched for the plot, which was Kiefer Sutherland as a hot scraggly vampire. Dracula, which I read in its entirety, thouroughly enjoyed, and found silly in many parts. On a day that is not today I will write a full-length post only about Dracula. Interview With The Vampire (1996) once again, a movie I watched for the plot. Which was Tom Cruise as a dramatic vampire being very very homoerotic about the whole thing. And, finally, Twilight, which I have never watched or read, and have great disdain for. I once beat up a copy of Breaking Dawn WWE style while dressed as Freddy Krueger for drama class. My family mocks Twilight mercilessly at every opportunity. If you like Twilight stop reading now.
Let’s begin.
Mirrors-
First on the list to discuss about vampires is mirrors. Most stories about vampires include that their reflections don’t show up in mirrors. This is completely true in Dracula, first confirmed in a scene where Jonathan Harker is shaving in Castle Dracula and gets jumpscared when the Count sneaks up behind him. After hearing Jonathan’s comment about not having seen him in the mirror, Dracula throws it out the window, declaring that this was not his fault, but the mirror’s. He seems to believe that this is Normal Human Behavior (tm). One point to Dracula for mythological accuracy.
In The Lost Boys, vampires appear in mirrors, but they’re transparent. I assume that the kinds of scraggly biker vampire looks the vampire gang cultivated required at least a little knowledge of what they looked like. It is confirmed that the main character, Michael, is a vampire when he and his little brother catch sight of his non-reflection in the mirror. Half a point for The Lost Boys.
Interview With The Vampire has nothing to say about the subject of mirrors in my memory, but I think that if Lestat couldn’t look in a mirror at least five times a day, he would die. He also has to be able to put himself together enough to attend fancy balls where he can kill people, so I believe that Ann Rice’s vampires can see themselves in mirrors, given the evidence I have. No points to Interview With The Vampire.
I know almost nothing about Twilight, and therefore have no idea what it has to say about mirrors. Negative two points to Twilight.
Catholicism and religious imagery-
The second topic of discussion is religious imagery - crucifixes, communion wafers, holy water, etc. In reading Dracula, I have concluded, as the child of an ex-Catholic, that Bram Stoker knew almost nothing at all about Catholicism. His characters’ uses of crucifixes seem about in line with what I know about them, in that, as religious symbols, simply holding them up in front of yourself acts as a shield against the vampire. This is the idea that has held up vampire mythology to the modern day, so I’ll let him have that one. However, the Count is killed by a sword through the chest because it’s shaped sort of like a cross, which seems wrong to me. Also, Mina’s vampirism is proven by Van Helsing pressing a communion wafer to her forehead, where it burns her, which is…not how communion wafers work, I think. Half a point to Dracula, but only for the crucifixes.
Holy water is used to excellent effect in The Lost Boys, killing one vampire and injuring another. The movie’s ragtag team of vampire hunters who learned their craft from horror comics learned from the best, and carry along water bottles full of holy water stolen from a church during either a wedding or a baptism. One point to The Lost Boys.
No mention is made of holy water in Interview With The Vampire as far as I can remember. No points.
Once again, I know nothing about Twilight. Negative one point.
Sunlight-
The idea that sunlight destroys vampires is pretty much the most commonly accepted one in modern vamp myths. Except Twilight, but we’ll get there.
Dracula must return to his coffin during the day, and manages to trick Jonathan into changing his sleep pattern to a nocturnal one. Van Helsing knows that they have the best chances of killing him during the day, as that is when he is asleep, so he won’t be harmed by the sunlight. His power is also said to be at its height at around sunset, if I remember right. Two points to Dracula.
The Lost Boys continues this tradition. Michael, who is not entirely a vampire until he makes his first kill, finds himself deeply tired during the day, and also light sensitive, but sunlight doesn’t hurt him. The other vampires, like David are actively hurt by sunlight, which saves the kids the first time they try to hunt them. Two points to The Lost Boys.
Interview With The Vampire also keeps the streak alive, including a scene where a freshly vamped Louis watches his last sunrise. Claudia, Louis and Lestat’s daughter is killed by rival theatrical vampires when she is left a the bottom of a well, the top of which is open to the air and the sun, in a genuinely heartbreaking scene in an otherwise ridiculous and dramatic movie. Three points to Interview With The Vampire because I cried a little.
Twilight. Twilight ruined this good thing forever. There is now a very large subset of young women who think that vampires “sparkle like diamonds” in the sunlight. They are wrong. Stephenie Meyer ruined something cool and beautiful. Negative twenty points. Why did she do this.
Turning-
In Dracula, one becomes a vampire after being hypnotized by Dracula to drink his blood after he drinks yours. This set the example for vampire stories then on out. Three points to Dracula for starting this lore in the mainstream.
In The Lost Boys, the vampires don’t bite people unless they’re killing them just to eat. Michael becomes part vampire after being tricked into drinking some of David’s blood from a bottle after being told that it’s wine. Blood and wine taste very different, but I’m giving him a pass because they made him think he was eating bugs twice three minutes previously. He doesn’t fully become a vampire until he commits his first kill, which is when he kills David by impaling him on the antlers of a deer head hanging on the wall. Two points to The Lost Boys, because both of those scenes are epic.
The tagline of Interview With The Vampire is “Drink from me and live forever”. Ann Rice makes being a vampire almost an active choice, but not quite. It is mentioned that Lestat was not given a choice in being turned, so he gives Louis that choice. However, he forces Claudia to become a vampire as she’s on the verge of death, and makes sure she doesn’t know what she’s getting into. Also in Interview With The Vampire, vampires can’t drink “dead blood”, or the blood of something that is dead, or they themselves will die. Two points to Interview With The Vampire, because I think both of those ideas are cool.
I’m pretty sure that in Twilight, turning happens just by having your blood sucked. One begrudging point to Twilight.
All vampire stories are agreed on the fact that a stake through the chest is a very sure way to kill a vampire, and that garlic doesn’t do much, if anything.
To conclude: of these four vampire stories, Dracula is the most accurate at 6.5 points total, which I will bump up to 7 even for it being the OG. The Lost Boys is the second most accurate at 5.5, as it was aided by classic vampire horror comics and lore. I’m once again being generous and making that 6 even, because of the aesthetic. Interview With The Vampire is third at 5 points. I think a lot of vampire lore was sacrificed to make this movie as pretty and dramatic as it was, but that’s not quite enough for me to give it another half point. What is, however, is the very end where Lestat returns, carjacks Malloy (the interviewer), and drives off into the credits blasting the Rolling Stones’ Sympathy For The Devil. 5.5 points. Twilight is dead last at -23 points, which I lowering to -30 for the “sparkle like diamonds” thing. Because that’s stupid.
Once again, for those of you who read all the way to the end of this, it was just for fun and not at all serious. I hope you enjoyed, and please subscribe and leave comments!