Role-modelling the behaviours you wish to see
The first time I admitted that I had fucked up, my manager at the time responded by saying “yeah, you did” and proceeded to slam his phone on the other end, ending the call. Although the self-admitted fuck-up turned out to be minor in the grand scheme of things, the lingering effect of my manager’s response was not. It took me years before I was able to own up to mistakes again. I spent those years blaming everything around me. Circumstances outside of my control, the environment around me, third parties, even other people. I believed it was important to project strength, competence, and unwavering confidence. I thought that a leader should know the answers.
But over time, I discovered that the people I was leading were exhibiting all of the same traits. As much as I told them it was okay to make mistakes, none of them ever admitted to one. They’d cover up, obfuscate, and blame circumstances outside of their control; the environment; third parties; even other people. And I hated it. More than once, I had to let go of people for reasons that could have been avoided with communication and dialogue. The team was struggling to deliver, and I felt it was my fault. I asked myself: how can I effectively lead a team who hides things from me?
It doesn’t take a particularly discerning reader to figure out what I did wrong. It’s rather obvious: through role-modelling the wrong behaviours, I had inadvertently created a work environment where those behaviours became the expectation and the norm.
When dealing with a struggling team or team member, you as a leader will have played a part in how the situation happened. Your team will observe your actions and behaviour and subconsciously do the same. To resolve the situation, you may need to start with yourself: you need to change how you act and behave before the team will.
Coincidentally, not long after my self-questioning, I changed roles and was given the opportunity of a clean slate. I started to incorporate new phrases into my vernacular:
“I don’t know.”
“I’m not sure.”
“I was wrong.”
“I messed up.”
I’d like to say that the effect was instant, but that would be a lie. It took some time, but eventually the same thing happened: my team started exhibiting the same behaviours as I was, except now they were the right ones. We saw ourselves communicate effectively, give each other crucial feedback, and most important of all: we were delivering. To this day, that team may have been the highest performing team I’ve ever seen.
Your team will take their cues from you—they will do as you do, not do as you say. Can you think of a time you role-modelled the wrong behaviours, and what impact did that have on your team?
~ Sebastian
What’s been happening?
Web Directions Code Leaders and Summit
This year, Elle and Lachlan spoke at Web Directions Code Leaders about confronting difficult conversations. We received positive feedback on our presentation from everyone we spoke to. The next day we attended Web Directions Summit, this time as attendees, where we just got to enjoy the talks and catch up with old friends.
Ruby Retreat
After Web Directions we flew to Christchurch, and then headed up Mt Cheeseman for an unconf weekend with a bunch of Ruby nerds. It snowed on the Thursday before we arrived, and then on Friday, just before we got to camp. The mountain looked gorgeous covered in a blanket of white. We got to spend time together as a team and we even hiked to the top of the mountain on Sunday morning. Simon Frost wrote about the weekend, in case you wish to learn more about the experience.
Leading Engineering Teams workshop in a couple of weeks
Changing from an engineer to being a manager requires a whole new set of skills. Become an effective engineering leader with our intensive workshop.
Our last LET workshop for the year is on in two weeks and there are still a couple of tickets available. Aimed at new managers or just managers who've decided it is time to finally get some training, our workshop is deeply interactive and practical. You'll be able to use what you learn immediately. Read more about it, and get your ticket!
What are we reading?
- Git rebase: what can go wrong? — an excellent resource on what to do when we stuff up rebasing.
- Tech Leader Chats: How to build a resilient engineering culture with Meri Williams — write up from the Tech Leaders Chats, organised by the good people at Multitudes. Meri Williams gave a great talk and provided additional resources for us to follow the crumbs.
- Executive Function Theft — or the deliberate abdication of our reasoning, decision-making, and ability to perform tasks, such that we are unable to participate in, contribute to, or enjoy higher level efforts. This article talks about EFT at the workplace, at home, with consideration to emotional labour, mental load, in the intersection, and what we can do about it!
A cuppa with Ryan Rumsey
1. What do you do? And what do you like about your work?
I’m the CEO of Second Wave Dive and founder of Chief Design Officer School. SWD is a tiny company based in Vermont, USA, and we focus on helping design leaders develop their strategy(s) through community and learning programs. I love working with mid-career professionals because of the overlaps between rational decision-making and strong relationship-building. It’s as if the business, design, and psychology departments at uni had a baby and love watching that baby grow. I also love the idea of staying intentionally small. We don’t need anymore billionaires running around and it’s important to reimagine what a successful business or CEO means.
2. What aspect of your work do you find most challenging?
The most challenging thing is being patient as a small business owner and creator. Because I wear many hats, there are lots of things that I’d love to do or get done–mostly around creative endeavours like writing–that don’t usually get done as quickly as I want them to. Being my own boss means I’ve had to learn how to support myself as a good boss would. While I love that my creative energy is what helps the business, there are times where I’m frustrated that making a living is dependent on my creativity. It’s a double-edged sword, but I’m grateful that I can give myself space when things get too sharp.
3. What are you passionate about?
Honestly, I don’t have super big passions about very specific things. Rather, I am very passionate about playing in different arenas or remixing skills typically used for one thing in entirely new ways. This is true in both my personal and professional lives. Weird Al Yankovic is on my fake board of directors and I really love how he takes existing things and makes new things from them. With permission and credit from the original source of course!
4. What are recent accomplishments you are happy with?
- On a personal level, I’m really proud that I’ve been able to prioritise work-life balance. Being a better parent and partner everyday is what I want to do best. When I started down the entrepreneurial path, I wrote “Be home by dinner” as a key measure of success as an entrepreneur. I’m so glad that I’m able to stick to that ideal because being a better parent and partner has fundamentally allowed me to continue my self and business growth.
- Professionally, after three years of teaching various courses, I’ve launched Chief Design Officer School as an independent brand from SWD. It feels like I’ve finally got the structure, process, and outcomes I was hoping for when I started teaching in 2019. Our editorial platform, Anything But Design, just launched in April 2023 and I’m really excited for that. It’s a combination of writing, essays, short lessons and assignments for professional designers, and a podcast where I get to chat with so many people about different aspects of their lives that aren’t about design.
- 31 Years after I started, I finally graduated from Uni in May. As a young adult, I really struggled with depression and anxiety, to the point where I just couldn’t get myself to go to class. As a result, I left school in 1997 three classes short of my degree and have carried that decision as shame for over 20 years. During a lot of self work through therapy and coaching, not having finished was the last bit of shame I wanted to rid myself of. So, in October 2022 I finally went back to school and achieved A+’s (High Distinction) marks in my final three classes. On May 12, 2023, I earned my Bachelor of Arts in History. I am so proud of myself!
5. What is one mistake that you will never make again?
Allowing someone else to have agency over me.
6. How do you manage stress?
- I get lost in music a lot. Music is more than just sound for me, it’s a refuge where I transcend into alternate universes. And I love listening to music through a great set of over the ear headphones while taking a walk. Getting a little bit physical while listening really helps me recenter.
- As a parent and a partner, it’s super important we have alone time too. My wife and I have learned over the years to be conscious about each other’s stress and switch out taking on primary duties to make sure we’re both being good parents when we are with the kids.
- Therapy is a wonderful and safe way to talk about stress with someone who doesn’t share stress with you.
7. What is the best advice you can give?
Learn how to invite others to be right with you. Once you get past the initial few years of your career, the majority of your time will be spent learning how to develop better relationships, communications, and understanding of your peers. That’s really hard stuff! For me, early in my career I spent a lot of time arguing that my ideas were right and tried to convince people to do it the way I preferred to do it. That never really worked. Instead, it created frustration, anxiety, and stress not only for me, but for those I worked with. Eventually, I got to a point where I had to try something different which mostly meant I had to change. When I learned how to be truly curious and interested about my colleagues, I learned how to invite them to be right with me. That didn’t mean I got my way, but meant I was listening to them, they listened to me, and together we found new approaches as collaborators to be right together. That switch helped me not only relieve my own stress, but also helped all of us create better things, make better decisions, and have stronger collaborations.
8. What one thing would you change about our society?
It’s two-fold; that people could be more curious about others and a bit more comfortable about their own discomfort. As a society, we continuously move in opposite directions all at once. We advance in medicine, sciences, technology, etc. We have the ability to connect in ways we couldn’t possibly do just 20 years ago, yet we still struggle to see and consider someone else’s perspectives. We are quick to have reactive takes or make decisions that serve us immediately which get in the way of tackling bigger societal issues like global warming, human rights, poverty, etc.
9. What are your goals or aspirations for the coming year?
- Professional, it’s nerdy. A lot of goals this year are automating many of the manual processes and operations I’ve been using the last four years. They’re good processes, but they’re consuming too. I want my time and energy back, so I’m going really deep in testing new ways to continue having white-glove, personal experiences with my students and clients while also giving me back some of my time and energy.
- Personally, continuing to be the kind of dad, partner, and friend I want to be. It’s work that will never be finished, but as an aspiration, it’s something I always want to be working on. It’s really hard work and the most satisfying work.
What are we cooking?
Ryan suggested this recipe. Can't wait to give it a go.
Firecracker Meatballs
Ingredients
- 570g (20oz) ground beef (80/20)
- 2 tbsp sesame seeds (divided)
- 4 tsp soy sauce (reduced sodium)
- 1 tbsp chopped ginger
- 2 tsp crushed chilli flakes
- 2 tbsp Italian parsley, chopped
- 1 cup Panko breadcrumbs
- 4 cloves garlic, minced
- 2 tsp Sriracha sauce
- 4 tsp honey
- 4 tbsp sour cream
- 4 tbsp mayonnaise
- 3 scallions (white and green parts separated)
Instructions
- Preheat your oven to 200c/425f and line a rimmed baking sheet with baking/parchment paper.
- Add the ground beef, half the sesame seeds, garlic, Panko bread crumbs, ginger, parsley, scallion whites, 1 tbsp soy sauce, salt, pepper, and ½ teaspoon crushed chilli flakes to a bowl.
- Mix the beef mixture, then, using your hands, roll the meat into small balls, about 4cm/1½ inches in diameter. You should have enough to make roughly 20 meatballs.
- Place the firecracker meatballs on the lined baking sheet, then place the sheet in the oven, on the top rack, and cook until the meatballs are fully cooked, about 15 minutes. (Flip them halfway through to get a nice even crust on both sides.)
- While the meatballs are baking, make the sauce. Combine the mayonnaise, honey, sriracha, sour cream, and 2 tsp of soy sauce. Stir well to combine and set aside.
- Remove the meatballs from the oven and toss them with the sauce, or serve the sauce on the side.
- Serve meatballs with pita bread, over lettuce, with rice, or with a side of garlic green beans. Enjoy!
And we’re out
Thank you for showing an interest in our newsletter and we hope that you enjoyed the read. Feel free to contact us if you have any feedback, a burning question, or just a recipe that you would like to share.
Until next time, keep learning!
Everyone at Blackmill