my dearest homies,

i'm here to tell you that i just realized earlier yesterday that i have been taking muscle relaxers instead of my anti-anxiety meds for over two weeks and after the initial WHAT THE FUCK can i tell you about the relief the joy the release!!!!! i felt!!! here i was thinking that i will never get out of the space i'm in/doomed and all that and like just one little sign that bitch maybe some shit you thought was right just ain't right?? blessings fam thats what i call blessings. i just feel like there's got to be a lesson in here about answers coming from places you'd least expect

consider this:

• job hunting
• a roundtable i'm in will be published on Autostraddle soon so look out for that
• fixing the story i submitted to gothic novel jam (we could submit unfinished work)
• trying to figure out how to get back in my coding program since its telling me ive unenrolled and i definitely have not 
• putting together an application for Winter Tangerine's Fellowship Program

this has successfully helped me procrastinate:

• west of loathing was on sale right after i read a review on Autostraddle
• extreme meatpunks forever trailer gave me the final push to get the game sooner rather than later (you can buy it here)
• my family helping me today when i hurt my back/hip/whatever i can't really move

i'm thankful for:

• Claire Schwartz' poem, Where I Eat 
• Crystal Valentine's workshop, I Survived The Fire, Now What?, the group i worked with, and the work i put in
• reading my work and speaking on a panel about worldbuilding at outwrite last weekend!!! (thanks jenn!)

scattered notes:

I have been given permission to leave something that hurts me, that has been hurting me for a long time and I always hoped I'd be brave enough to leave once the exit was in front of me, but I'm struggling, I'm struggling.

earlier last week i heard stranger things isn't coming back until 2019. when stuff like that happens, i always think of my last two years of high school and how i used the harry potter movies to motivate myself to keep going. with my mental health getting better so suddenly but my physical health going to shit right after (thus putting my mental health not back at square one but a space looking a whole lot like it), i'm using this again this week.

today I am looking forward to Mitski's new album, an answer to this pain (all of it, not just one type), finishing at least one creative work, my best friend who i get to see this weekend, the wnba playoffs and championship games, a lot of books coming out by people i care a lot about, fanfiction, ginger ale, whipped cream.

what are you looking forward to? i'd love to hear about it.

thanks for reading! if you have comments (don't get me fucked up tho) hit reply and/or hit me up on twitter!

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