It's ME SEASON
caption: meme of a person named Me happily reaching for a balloon that reads "Joy at Me Season!", in the second panel the same person is smiling but sweating when they notice another figure behind them is reaching for them and this figure is named "Grief at lack of covid precautions, unemployment struggle, personal traumas, and the state of the world"
December 2024
PART ONE
Content Warning: self harm, abuse, death, homophobia, c-ptsd.
This part is a sort of addendum (update?) to Zombies Where There Should Be Gardens. In it, I said I never want to write again (which was true when I wrote it, a while before it and a while after it). I hate talking about it because I know that I should be thankful (I am) that I'm able to do this and that it's given me so much. I went to The Color of Surveillance conference a few weeks ago and a poetry prompt from Michael Colonnese helped me figure out what I really mean beneath that. The following is taken out of my notebook and was written during a five minute "write everything out" type exercise.
Write about a time you watched or were watched
It seems like the best and most consistent way to get paid--which means to eat, to health, to water, to life--is to keep eyes on you. If I can't show proof of my work, did I even do work worth doing? I hate eyes on me. First, church then this. Throughline--abuse. Oh, was this what I was trying to say two pages ago? Not hating the writing but the watching? Watching is passive, seeing requires action. All those times I wanted someone to see me and move to help, but they just watched like I was stuck on my granddad's floor TV, antennas rabbit-eared terrified, and anyone could just touch the screen, they could just touch and touch and touch no one would believe me. No one is touching me, they're just watching. I don't exist except for their touching, their watching. Yeah, that's what I mean, I think.
PART TWO
1. Choking on Creation by Lostwood Art
A friend (check out their work!) sent this in a group I'm in and I've just been thinking about it a lot. I love how people are still doing art in a way that makes me feel like it needs to exist, you know? I'm still trying to unravel my belief that art I make can only be for capitalism and it's a tough tough thing. Seeing this and going through it helps me a lot though.
2. Games
I've been playing a couple of games and these are my top three from them! - 1000xResist by Sunset Visitor - Far From Noise - Out for Delivery by Yuxin Gao
The last two were doing a really dissociative sort of day where I played like seven games in a row mostly because I was scared of doing anything else. I also really enjoyed The Light at the End of the Ocean by Jane Titor. I'm not going to name the other few because one made me too uncomfortable and the other I had to quit maybe two minutes in. I wish I kept a better log of these but some games I've played that I've really loved this year (aside from known favorites Oxenfree and Oxenfree II: Lost Signals) are:
- MY BROTHER ; THE PARASITE by qrowscant
- Adventures With Anxiety! by Nicky Case!
- Man or Muppet by hotelbones
- He Fucked the Girl Out of Me. by Taylor McCue
- [Green Eyed Monster by Carrogath](https://carrogath.itch.io/gem
- THERA by Kyou System
- Night shift by Dreamty
- Rainswept by Frostwood Interactive
I haven't finished Alt-Frequencies by Plug In Digital yet, but I'm enjoying it.
One of the things I've been trying this year is game development. I've been struggling with unemployment and to be honest, I can't explain to you how we got here but we outchea so let's go. I did a talk at Game Devs of Color with my friend, Xolotl (support them here! — Aldercone Studio), and cons like those and the work I see on itch and just being surrounded on social media by game devs makes me want to try. I think the biggest influences though have been 1) On Making Trauma Legible: How Interactive Fiction Identifies Trauma – The Rosebush 2) Taylor McCue's interviews regarding HFTGOOM especially インディー通信 Indie Tsushin: 🌟 Translator Spotlight: Taylor McCue and Fuglekongerige on He F-cked The Girl Out Of Me, 3) a working thesis on traumatic interactive fiction — TO FALL IN LOVE ONCE AND FOR ALL and 4) how my own game, a shower story by atjscreams, comforts me almost every month when I have a PMDD episode.
I do create for understanding but even more than that I create for my personal archive. C-PTSD has done a number on some of my memory and creating breadcrumbs me back to parts that could otherwise be lost to me.
Playing these games helps me better understand what I want my work to look like, what I still have to learn, and also they're just good as shit. Like, I need everyone to play a minimum of one thing from itch every week because what will change your life may not be in the big name game magazines but in the little indie shop that often sells bundles for great causes.
And don't forget to Embrace the Jank!
3. Spiderweb Somatics with Sirius Heart
I went to The Collective Funeral about two weeks ago and it was for making space to sit with, acknowledge, and move through (not entirely out of it, but not to stay stuck in) grief. It was four hours and I was fortunate to get a scholarship to attend and I cannot explain how much I need(ed) this and I just want to shout Sirius out because they are doing amazing work. This is the second workshop I've attended by them and I just really recommend them if you're looking for a place to feel like yourself and not worry about being punished for it. Which this line of thinking (punishment for existing) leads me to the next few things:
4. Gay Girl Prayers by Emily R. Austin
![[for anyone taught.png]]
caption: dedication from Gay Girl Prayers by Emily R. Austin by that reads in italics and all capital letters: For anyone taught they were going to hell.
This has been on my wishlist for a little while and something that came up through the funeral rite (and actually through a couple of more things that happened earlier in the week) is how deeply embedded my religious trauma is especially around my gender and sexual identity. I think I ended up reading this book of poetry the day after the rite and the dedication kicked me in my heart double time.
5. Gay the Pray Away by Natalie Naudus
This was a link I had saved (thanks to Tab Manager, I have anywhere between 20 to 700 links saved at any given time) and clicked on when I was trying to clear out the tab. I thought it was a movie but was surprised to see it was a book. I got it from my library (SUPPORT YOUR LIBRARIES) and finished it in like two days and it only took that long because I had coursework and needed at least two hours to recover from what I was reading. The plot is, a girl, Valerie Danner learns that she's in a religious cult when a new-comer, Riley (I can't remember her last name so I'm just gonna call her McStudington) helps her uncover that the universal truths she's been taught aren't universal at all. It's a really sweet story (it's tough because religious trauma is never easy especially as a queer person) and I think it's important you know, it's the type of ending I would've held on to tightly growing up and I think it's going to help a lot of kids (adults too).
In almost every movie we watch, I didn't realize how often I said, "Oh no, this isn't going to last" when a young queer couple is experiencing joy. I'm always calling out how they forgot to lock the door, how the windows aren't covered, how anyone could walk in at anytime and I never realized how exhausting it is to think like that. Like, I can't even enjoy their joy the first time around because I'm so scared of what's coming after. I'm the same in my day to day, I keep trying to force myself to be present because I don't want to miss out on my life--I want to live it. But it's hard when you've been concerned about the possible damnation of your soul since you were six years old.
The acknowledging part is hard. Even last night, when things weren't working the way I'd hoped, I had to audibly explain to myself that it's a result of technology being technology and not like....a punishment for some sin I probably did and forgot about. It feels ridiculous to say it out loud like that, but the alternative definitely wasn't doing anything other than hurting me, so it's not a bad idea to try something that won't hurt me. Right?
6. Taking Time
Before Thanksgiving, I was trying to get back into streaming. I'd taken time off the week of the election and could feel myself just....giving up on it. I started playing Goodbye, Volcano High because I ADORE that game and the company KO_OP behind it. I had spent a couple hours before trying to fix captions and then when I streamed for about an hour and a half I got a message that the sound wasn't on. I was really upset because some childhood shit about looking stupid and because I had gotten a high achievement that will NEVER happen again and because music and sound is so integral to the story it felt like a betrayal to the story (you see how I can be perfectly normal about things?).
Listen to the Goodbye, Volcano High soundtrack here!
One of my friends told me that this is a thing that happens and isn't reflective of me as a person and that's where this....more intentional look at why shame of self is the first thing I turn to for answers instead of any other logical possibilities. It's feeling like finally realizing that instead of thinking horses when I hear hooves, I've been believing it's the four horseman of the apocalypse. It's been dizzying and disorienting and absolutely fucking frightening to investigate this and I know I'm long from finished with it (are we ever finished with the things that have made indelible marks on us?) but I feel like my want to treat myself and the people I love, better, is finally outweighing this gargantuan fear. So, good luck to me on that.
**
I'm using the month to figure out a better process for streaming because I'd like to lessen the anxiety around it. Having the Finch app had me turn to water instead of alcohol when in distress (which is huge for me) and the Balance app helped me sleep instead of other things. I hesitate to say these things because of magical thinking, that somehow saying these things will immediately undo them. But, I've tried to lessen one of my (religious motivated) compulsions and it's working. It's something I've been scared to do, but I've done it--I'm doing it. So, I'm going to keep trying to tiptoe into the fear that's had me stuck for years and see if it's more ghost threat than chokehold than I thought.
7. Odds & Ends
Something that keeps me from writing/posting these is that I'll have something I want to share but not paragraphs of reflection on it yet. So I'm just gonna add these here and we can vibe (you can also choose not to vibe):
"If you lose a sense of curiosity or choice, it's time to take a break." ~Sirius Heart
"I want to keep the integrity of what you've got." ~My writing tutor on my final paper which is close to my heart but BAYBEEEE I struggle with APA format like what are we even doing here why can't I just say shit to you
"The only way to be present is to remove the shame from it." ~My career counselor who apparently decided to be the best therapist ever this month (every month if we're being honest but this month she almost got hit with the "End Meeting Now" button)
Things I'm enjoying right now: Such A Pretty Smile by Kristi Demeester, that my fucking semester is almost over THANK GOD, Arcane, tangerine town collective jam, Wicked, Girl That's Scary!, Obsidian (that's what you're reading this on!), Shit, Damn, Motherfucker - by Harmony Holiday , and You Might Not Recover from Burnout. Ever. - Devon Price
Destroy the systems that seek to destroy you! We're all we got!
A parting video for you: Wicked | What Is This Feeling - YouTube
note: if my gf is reading this: What do you need?