i haven't read the body keeps the score yet but

i'm 99% sure it's true because i had a job interview today (shout out to the autostraddle community, i was literally complimented on my cover letter and resume THAT NEVER HAPPENS) and even though i kept thinking im not nervous im not nervous at all the bubbleguts my stomach produced called me out on my bullshit and im pretty sure thats what that book's about, right?

i feel like this coming a week after the last one will have you thinking that i have a plan of when these are going out and i want to let you know up front, that is not true at all. i came here cause im ready to run my mouth again and that varies from week to week. so.

for 7/16/18-7/17/18

consider this:

im working on:

what has successfully helped me procrastinate:

what's wrong/right/neutral/up: (tw for talk about money, workplace harassment, depression)

 

"what's a salary to a reparation?"

WHAT????? WHAT!!!! IMAGINE WAKING UP TO YOUR FACEBOOK AND SEEING THAT AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR DAY. IM STILL A MESS. ITS ONE SENTENCE AND IM ALREADY IN MY FEELINGS I LOVE IT.
ive been having a hard time with money lately. the concept that my worth is attached to how much i produce/how much money i make is one i dodge as much as i can but as my favorite cousin joaned on how little i make and my aunt told me, "oh my god, lex, you're poor"? i really was forced to look at the terrible place ive found myself in. i'd say that it could be something i could swallow easier if my work environment wasn't so toxic. in ways that i'll probably discuss later, it's been a detriment to my mental health and trying to get out of it has me doubt my right to be here. and thats on the good days.

but.

i had a job interview today for a place that i really want. after going to camp and being treated far kinder than i ever hoped by people who dont even know me but genuinely believed i was deserving of good things, pushed me to really try to get out of this place. ive put in a transfer at work. im not waiting on the people who hurt me to stop, because clearly they won't. i can't dream about reporting them until i get out, im not even sure that i can handle trying to report them again (terry crews has been very important to me for a long time and seeing how he's had to go through this makes my heart hurt and makes me even more tired (because i have also been told im big enough/strong enough that this shouldnt happen to me.)). i say all this to say that, whenever i look up how to get out of these situations, there is rarely anything both hopeful and helpful to find. there isnt a solution i can offer you for something like this. i used to volunteer for s self care after r*** organization, so ive been mad at myself for years because i know the signs im not being treated right, i know that doubting myself means that what they're doing is working, and i know that staying longer will just make it worse



but id gotten to the point where i believed how they treated me was all i was good enough for.


back to camp. what's getting me out, what most likely will get me out is community. kiki nicole defines "community as love and love means doing the work." even before camp, what has helped me the most is being seen and actively cared for by people who love me (in group chat, in social media, in person when we're able). who remind me what is being done to me isn't acceptable, who come up with action plans im too terrified to work in but still offer them to me, who send me kind and true messages when i say i need them. there isn't necessarily a huge tie-in here, just that i think theres a lot of shit that demands we be truly independent in order to be worthy of life, of good things and that shit just isnt true. we ain't nothing if we don't care for one another.

scattered notes:

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