Can't Wait To Eat My Heart Out
February 18, 2025
one of the truest portraits of me:
Screenshot of a headline by Sara Gibbs of The Daily Tism that reads ""Gullible" autistic man believes people when they tell him stuff"
This was supposed to go out last Friday but we still outchea!
1. Spirit Swap: Lo-Fi Beats to Match 3 To
Note: I received a key for Spirit Swap!
Spirit Swap: Lo-Fi Beats to Match 3 To came out February 3rd and all of my socials have heard about how much I love it so let's also put it in my archives and whatnot. Spirit Swap: Lo-Fi Beats to Match 3 To has you, Samar, a brown witch with a FamiliarZ froggie, work on spending more time with their friends while trying to figure out why there are so many spirits entering their realm. You can romance or just befriend all the characters in storymode, play against a friend in match-3 in Versus mode, or play singleplayer match-3 in Endless mode. I know there are more challenging modes than Chill but I am LOCKED in Chill at speed of five or six until I somehow become Ultimate Match-3 Black Boi Champion (patent pending).
The Characters
- Kanon
A screenshot of the chibi versions of the characters on the left side with the chibi version of Kanon highlighted. Kanon's information box reads: "(He/They) A natural loner who tends to drift around, making friends wherever he goes. Also claims to be an angel??".
Kanon is a tall medium skin black person with a medium top white fade with small colorful flowers wearing an all white sweatsuit with small flowers on his puffy white jacket and a thin golden wrap what hands around his biceps. He holds their hands at a soft ninety-degree angle where his hands meet at the fingertips. He has a small golden ring on his left hand, a large golden necklace around the turtleneck of his sweatsuit jacket, and wears big hoop earrings on his pointed ears. He has angel wings of a soft pink, white, blue, and yellow with small colorful flowers within them. He has pink eyes and looks softly to the side with a small smile.
I need you to understand I love Kanon SO MUCH. He gives tism vibes and I LOVE THAT because they make so much sense. What are people even saying? Why do people do this? And also can we have more snacks?
- Leon
A screenshot of the chibi versions of the characters on the left side with the chibi version of Leon highlighted. Leon's information box reads: "(He/They) The coolest guy you know and also the biggest dork. Schlocky horror aficionado, horn and tattoo artist by trade."
Leon is a medium height light skinned person with soft pink hair on the top of his head and black hair shaved on the side of their head. Their face is framed with pink horns that protrude from his forehead straight up as well as horns that start light pink on the sides of their head that move towards hot pink as they wrap around his pointy ears and meet at his cheeks. The pointy hears have several piercings two of which are black pointy gauges. He is a muscular person which can be seen through their long armed gray shirt with their arms crossed. One sleeve is up revealing a tattoo sleeve on one arm, another tattoo sleeve can be seen on the other forearm, and there are tattoos on his neck as well. They are wearing a black wristcuff with a small orange gem embedded in it and two gold rings on their right middle finger. He's wearing ripped blue jeans with a red chain and a long sleeved orange plaid shirt tied around their waist. He has dark orange eyes that look off to down and to the side and he looks as if their thinking about the next words they're going to say.
I didn't get to hang out with Leon the first time around as much as I wanted, I think he was maybe second to Lulu on my first run but he is ADORABLE and we'd be friends because we would both ferociously blush whenever a crush was mentioned within five hundred feet of us.
- Mo
A screenshot of the chibi versions of the characters on the left side with the chibi version of Mo highlighted. Mo's information box reads: "(She/They) Demashq's most fashionable witch by far--her clothing is designer and her heels are never less than six inches."
Mo is a medium height dark-skinned black person with pink braids with small gold rings throughout that reach a little beyond her shoulder. She has three white horns, two on the side of her forehead and a larger on protruding from the center of her forehead. They are all adorned with a gold chain and small colorful gems alone the chain. She wears a black round hat and have pointy ears with gold earrings. She wears a sleeveless black dress with cutouts around their chest and stomach. The dress is held with gold clips where there are cutouts. They rest on a cloud at all times and are leaning to the side with one hand resting near their face. They look like they are the coolest person in the world and that a glance from them will boost your confidence by nine hundred points at least.
Okay, so Mo is who I would say a maximum of five really smart words to and then make sure they never see me again because I would never be able to live up to that again. We highkey don't have much in common because the most fashion I care about would be my shoes and that's only sometimes and I know she would not be about this cartoon character repeat outfit life I live. But it was fun to see what she cares about and how she interacts with the friend group. She flirts in a way that would make me faint but luckily no one can see that from where I'm playing.
- The Polycule (Theo, Cleo, and Dio)
A screenshot of the chibi versions of the characters on the left side with the chibi versions of Dio, Cleo, and Theo highlighted. The information box reads: "Dio (They/Them), Cleo (They,Them), Theo (She/Her). You know em, you love em! An inseparable bunch."
Dio is a short chubby medium skinned person with medium brown horns protruding from the sides of their head. They have white bangs in between their horns and wear a blue sweater that has a hoodie that drapes over their shoulders and over their head and presumably more horns on hteir head. They wear light blue jeans with a black belt. They wear a white bra with their stomach out. The have pink glasses and smile with bright white fangs as if they're talking midsentence.
Cleo is a short (just an inch above Dio) dark skinned black person with cotton candy pink and white fluffy hair that goes down to their chest. They have two large black and pink horns protruding from the sides of their head that are draped with flowers. They wear a bright pink and white dress that flares out above their thighs. They have their hands gripped together in excitement and and have brown eyes with gold flecks in them. They smile with pure joy at something offscreen.
Theo is a tall medium skinned person with pink hair in a ponytail and held back by a black headband. She has two gold horns that curve a little before protruding straight up on both sides of her head. She wears an open white puffy long sleeve jacket, a black and white sports bra, and a pink and dark pink fanny pack with an orange zipper across her chest. She wears brown sweatpants with a small hot pink patch on the side. Her expression reads as bored and maybe disinterested.
Listen. I love the polycule so much. They are near the top of my romance list because I love seeing them all together. I don't really want to say too much because I think half the fun of the polycule is enjoying them together and separately but I have to say, I love seeing how much patience and openness is required for these relationships to work and that that's on full display throughout the game. Also Theo has a library, I need to get into that library.
- Kedsi
A screenshot of the chibi versions of the characters on the left side with the chibi version of Kedsi highlighted. Kedsi's information box reads: "(She/They) Local genius, Kedsi's job in IT keeps her up to date with the latests gadgets that she modifies with magic."
Kedisi is a medium height dark skinned black person with a cloud of dark brown with a red tint of hair that reaches just above her chin held back by an orange headband. She has neon blue antlers that protrude from the center of her forehead. Her eyes, nose ring, a small sliver on her bottom lip, and a gem sitting above her clavicle are the same neon blue green as her antlers. They wear large rimless glasses that take up half their face. They have a neon pink tattoo that wraps around their neck. She's wearing a crop top jacket with a blue collar and inner lining, pink shoulders, and yellow sleeves with blue cuffs that match the blue collar. Underneath she is wearing a peach sleeveless dress. She wears a darker pink sweatshirt wrapped around her waist. She stands with their left hand up and out as if they are midsentence and she looks to the side with a furrowed brow as if still figuring something out.
Kedsi is an overachiever and consistently exhausted because of all she's doing and did I go the romance route with her immediately, you bet your bottom dollar I did! I love that her and Samar are similar but not exactly the same and seeing how they deal with little things before they become big things was really cool. ALSO NOT TO BE GAY BUT KEDSI'S ACCENT
- Iskandar
A screenshot of the chibi versions of the characters on the left side with the chibi version of Iskandar highlighted. Iskandar's information box reads: "(They/Them) What Iskandar lacks in smarts, they make up for in muscles...and BOY, do they have a lot of them."
Iskandar is medium brown skinned person with more muscles than forty-five wrestlers combined. They are sincerely built like a brick house that had a baby with a brickhouse and grew up lifting brick houses. They have purple to hot pink ombre hair that stops a little below their pointed ears and fluffs out and covers on of their eyes. They have three blue hors with orange-ish roots protruding from their head and similar rows of three horns on each arm starting from their shoulder and ending a little above their biceps. They are wearing the tightest blue workout shorts with a white and black strip down the side. They wear a sweatshirt crop top with ripped off sleeves that is ripped open on a diagonal to show their chest which is covered lightly in netting. One side of the crop top is white with a pink ripped off sleeve on the left. The right side is a colorful light yellow and pastel blue also ripped at the shoulder. They both come to meet as a hoodie that covers the pink headphones wrapped around their neck. They are holding a giant water bottle filled nearly to the top with pink liquid and their fingernails are painted pink.
I WAS NOT PREPARED TO LOVE ISHK THIS MUCH LISTEN TO ME. I want to hug Ishk for forty five days and forty five nights and they have to hug me so lightly back because of all those muscles but I will do it for them! Thembos have to stick together! One of the routes with them and Leon also broke me into a new person and I'm still dealing with what I've learned about myself with that and I love love love them so much.
- Lulu
A screenshot of the chibi versions of the characters on the left side with the chibi version of Lulu highlighted. Lulu's information box reads: "(She/They) Award-winning bake master (and multi-tasker). When she can't turn her brain off, she turns to baking to settle her spirit."
Lulu is a short light skinned person with short pink yellow ombre hair that reaches just below her ears with colorful clips in her hair. She has a single bright white horn protruding from the top right side of her head. She wears a bright pink white and purple dress that flairs out a little above her thigh. She wears a chunky pink and yellow bead bracelet on her right hand and holds her shoulder with this hand. Her other arm is bent away from her body with her palm face up. She has pink nail polish, dark pink almost brown eyes, dark pink lipstick and wears a mischievous smirk.
Can we talk about how Lulu snuck up on me? She's adorable AND they are a TERROR. I'm not giving you more than that because the little bit I glimpsed was enough to throw me for a loop and I need to see if that can be fully realized on a romance route thank you.
- Pookie
A screenshot of the chibi versions of the characters on the left side with the chibi version of Pookie highlighted. Pookie's information box reads: "(They/He) Pookie is a firm believer in never speaking more than necessary. Giver of sage advice and incredible hugs."
Pookie is a tall chubby medium skinned black person with a medium bright blue goatee and cornrows that can be seen under his white and pink bucket hat that has clips on it. He has two seafoam green horns protruding from his forehead through the front of the bucket hat. He wears a white and seafoam green and pink jacket that opens fully to show his chest and stomach under netting. He wears a gold chain around his neck and has a blue fanny pack around his waist, where he wears pants of an alternating green and pink pattern. He wears large sunglasses that you can't see his eyes through and a calm laid back expression.
I want to be the absolute bestest of friends with Pookie. Pookie reminds me of the home I want to stay in not the one I was raised in and I love that for me. I want to give them a bouncy house full of blankets and pillows and comfort and I need them to live there for the next two years just to return their amazingness to equilibrium.
The Vibe
Going to each place and hanging out with queer black and brown and fat and muscular and intense and laid back people who all love each other is just what the world needs always and especially now.
This game means a lot to me because I'm not good at friendship (is anyone one? share if you'd like!) and this game just lets me jump to the part that I'm better at (already being friends and just maintaining that). I don't make great first impressions because they're rarely true and I spend a lot of the relationship trying to make up for that. With this game, there is already an understanding that we want to be in relationship with each other and that makes it a little easier to try things that I wouldn't otherwise. Like, instead of choosing a romantic route because a character was obviously into my character, I tried the "No, thanks" option and it was fine. There was no taking back the friendship, punishing me for not returning the feelings, or lingering fear throughout the rest of the game that I would get what was coming to me. I never would've felt comfortable just stating a boundary instead of straight up ghosting and that feels important.
A couple of days after playing, one of the people closest to me asked me to break a boundary I've had trouble maintaining. I said no. I didn't worry about being punished for it because I remember how much relief I felt when I answered truthfully in Spirit Swap. I said no and I am in a strange place because of it but I'd rather be here than where I usually am, ghosting until the problem explodes into it's own universe I can't escape. I said no. It still hurts and I'm still thankful I did it.
The Reviews (It's Just Me)*
a social media i put somewhere (why are there so many social medias): Spirit Swap did not ask to be the atlas for my mental health but i appreciate them for taking the impossible task and bearing it with such care and panache
A review (once again, don't ask me where it lives on the internet I just yell about how much I love this game to any social system that will listen): The art and the colors pop so much and bring a smile to my face just chilling in the background. The music is indeed chill and lo-fi and I can't wait to get the soundtrack! The story is really well done and isn't a high pressure situation and adds to the chillness and works really well with the match-3. I love match 3's anyways but having the story AND the possibility of endless and versus play options is really fantastic. Also, I love all these characters and need to befriend them in every universe immediately. Especially if you're qtbipoc, you need this game just as a reminder that not only are we still here, we're entitled to joy and to great and healthy relationships and all around goodness.
Go Get It!
You can grab the game on Steam and Xbox and keep an eye out for other releases through their site!
You can check out the OST here
2. 100 Days Of Game Dev
Earlier this month, I decided to start one hundred days of game dev and I'm going to be honest, I forgot like three days ago I was doing that so we're gonna try to get back on track in a week or two. I've been using [this tutorial]([https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLda3VoSoc_TTp8Ng3C57spnNkOw3Hm_35] because I wanted to make something for the Trans Joy Jam and keep learning Godot but some life things required more attention. I'm still excited with my progress and getting back into it!
I went from this
Image description: Grey 3-D boxes falling onto a grey platform.
to this
Image description: Colorful boxes in a little room image description is a green cube moving around a bright pink and purple platform. it hops over red boxes and grabs a pink coin with the word Gay in it. it climbs up a ramp and then jumps off the ramp into a pink abyss.
in a couple of days and I can confidently say I am no longer terrified of Blender!
## 3. Yellowjackets: (No Season Three Spoilers)
I wrote this a few days ago mostly because I wanted to write about how much I love and was looking forward to Yellowjackets. I've seen the first two episodes of season three and I won't spoil them. I just love art that encompasses how feral and terrifying and fucked up being a teenage girl is.
My girlfriend sent me a video on how one of the reasons we struggle with being in good relationships with each other is because we refuse to acknowledge that we are just children in adult bodies. That's an oversimplification and I do think there needs to be more context in how I approach this as someone who has had episodes where I visibly regressed in age due to trauma, the way life lives in overlaps (flashbacks as a . I love watching Yellowjackets much the same reason I love(d) reading and sitting with The Bluest Eye: sometimes you don't get better and you still have to keep living. Sometimes unspeakable shit (but sometimes you still need to speak it) is done to you and you do not grow out of it, it just continues to grow in you. I love media that starts from You Are Not A "Good" Survivor and even though I am a little terrified to see where my favorite characters (all of them except not except yes) go from here, I'm thankful they exist and I get to witness it.
4. For The Black Queer Kids, But Also For You
- Dear Trans Kids, You Don't Need the Government's Permission to Exist by Raquel Willis
-
Doechii's speech for her 2025 Grammy Rap Album of the Year Award (quote via them.us):
“I know that there is some Black girl out there, so many Black women out there who are watching me right now, and I want to tell you, you can do it,” Doechii said. “Anything is possible. Don’t allow anybody to project any stereotypes on you, that tell you that you can’t be here, that you’re too dark or that you’re not smart enough or that you’re too dramatic or you’re too loud.” She added: “You’re exactly who you need to be to be right where you are.”
It's also always a good day to watch Doechii's Tiny Desk Concert!
99% of the reason I love it is the JOY of the entire band and how much they love Doechii AND WE ALL ROCKING CORNROWS THE LITTLE BABY STUD OF MY HEART IS LIVING
- "I am reminded that no matter what our humanity is negotiable; our innovation is suspect. When your imagination is the only thing that can protect you from continued attacks on your dignity, why not imagine death-defying acts? Why not go against the laws of the universe? I mean, who’s looking?" Wi-Moto Nyoka, Love and Necromancy in 'The Angry Black Girl and Her Monster And 'Birth/Rebirth' (including because I wanted to love The Angry Black Girl And Her Monster and I do, sometimes. This review makes me want to go back and puzzle my feelings around it out some more.)
5. Switching It Up
If you know me, you know I like my routines and for nothing to change which is a really healthy and not at all stressful way to live. I got rid of Duolingo because of AI but also because I refuse to be threatened and anxiety-filled over a damn bird and that has led to me trying different places for not just language stuff but other applications that just don't fit for me anymore. These may not fit come next year, next month, or even next week! But I like them right now. *Everything to my knowledge is free or has a free tier except Downcast.
Went from:
- Feedly to Inoreader
- Podbean to Downcast (to be honest, I still like Podbean I just couldn't take hearing that Amazon Hyundai commercial again)
- TV Time to Serializd (I still use Letterboxd for movies)
- Evil Bird to Mango Languages and Transparent Language Online (through my library) and Language Transfer
I've moved from ProtonMail to Tuta after reading some things about Proton supporting 45 but don't feel comfortable hugely recommending them yet. I'll probably move from Storygraph (even though I love it) because I'm seeing a lot more AI than I want (I want zero AI) so I might move to LibraryThing or Bookworm. I might also just make my own list here! Also, I'm trying to move everyone there but they refuse to come but I got three people I care about to move from Messages or Whatsapp over to Signal! Imagine the POWER if I could get them to [use Discourse] of Discord. WHEW BUDDY
6. The Return of Doodlebob
I'm workshopping something here. So, in the middle of a panic attack or anxiety attack or possibly just a now regular night time routine, Doodlebob appeared to me.
Image description: A poorly drawn black and white, flat dimensional version of Spongebob Squarepants known as Doodlebob. (Source)
I started to think maybe my intrusive thoughts, maybe those thoughts, those flashbacks, those unending litanies that seek to kill me just don't want to live in my mind. Maybe they want a life outside of me and maybe that can be paper. I know, this doesn't seem like a novel idea and I'm not claiming it is, but I'm proposing to myself writing so that Doodlebobbyj will stop running amok in my head convincing me that the only way to shut him up is with routines that don't serve me and have me out here looking like I'm being controlled by a Remy mouse except not helpful at all.
Image Description: An angry Doodlebob holding the eraser of a pencil threateningly towards the viewer. (Source
Maybe if I put Doodlebobbyj on a piece of paper, it won't make shit come to fruition like I'm always terrified of, maybe it'll just live there and it'll be happy not to grow into some unnecessary conglomerate of monsters that I keep feeding because I give it room to breathe.
Maybe if I just write the shit out, it'll be out of me and I can keep doing what I need to do. It's worth a shot.
Image description: Screenshot of Doodlebob on a piece of notebook paper now smiling because he's where he belongs. (Source
7. The Third Person by Emma Grove
Image Description: a screenshot from The Third Person by Emma Grove where on the left side there are five panels. In the first panel there is an empty kitchen with an island on the left side and refrigerator on the right side. In the second panel, a small child moves fast from behind the island to the refrigerator. In the third panel, the child is army crawling to a stack of books on a two shelf bookshelf. In the fourth panel, the child is clutching a book, looking terrified, and thinking in all capital letters: Safe!. In the last panel, the child seems tiny in the intersection where the bookshelves meet next to steps that lead to the open door the child just came from. The child keeps their mouth covered by books. On the next page is a black figure on a white page falling headfirst underneath the title, Falling.
The Third Person by Emma Grove is a graphic novel that follows a trans person as they go through therapy to get approved for hormones and deal with a possible Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D). I'm still working on how I feel about this one even though I finished it in a day. I've had fairly intense dissociation since I was a kid--so much so that it's become a running joke in my family--and to see that it wouldn't have been treated with care back then makes me both sad and thankful that I didn't seek help as a kid. I am thankful I read it because it's helping me understand my dissociation better (I can't do it like I used to, which often makes me sad). There's a lot to unpack here and I don't know where to put it all.
8. TTRPGs
I want to be a Tabletop RPG Girlie(TM) SO BAD. So much of it applies to me: improv, storytelling, general queerdo vibes. I should be IN THIS SHIT. But I'm having a hard time getting into it (people are scary--I played a one-shot of Thirsty Sword Lesbians and it was overall fun but way too much anxiety for me) and my friends have drawn the line here for the nerdy shit they will tolerate. So I'm gonna keep playing Magic: The Gathering online til I become so overwhelmed with the need to play a full game with others that I'll push past my social anxiety and dive headfirst into a campaign. I'm mostly sticking to this one since a Magic: The Gathering Youtuber has been raising funds for Trans Lifeline.
9. A Few Things
Coffee and Critical Thinking was what this was supposed to be but all I can say is you should not drink too much caffeine and think that your brain is just gonna work correctly.
Keep an eye on Crips for eSim bundle where you'll get 200+ games/zines/etc. where all contributions go directly to getting eSims to Palestinians.
The National Park Service has removed Transgender from the Stonewall website.
10. The audacity to be loved well
Here gently say: you should ask for what you need. I did the very scary thing of telling my girlfriend about something I logically know is both not true and wildly inaccurate (but my heart doesn't know that), and she answered in a way that:
- made me laugh my ass off
- directly confront how much this thing was bothering me, thereby coming face to face with how I let a small thing become a monumental terror unnecessarily and
- immediately brought me relief (that I'm still leaning on/wasn't sure I was worthy of) after months of anxiety over it
and as a bonus, now I know in the future, even though it will most likely still be very difficult for me, it is possible to ask for what you need and to be met in that need, to be cared for without having to worry about being punished for it.
Odds & Ends
Screenshot from Johanna Hedva's How To Tell When We Will Die: On Pain, Disability, and Doom that reads "In my opinion it's better to risk hypocrisy, to try and fail, try and make mistakes, try again, than not to. What is gained, proved, accomplished by the not-trying? What happens by doing nothing?"
Some things that aren't nothing:
- A running list of mutual aid campaigns and information dating back to October 2023): A note is some links may not be updated/some are fulfilled one would have to go through post by post to be sure
- The Beginner's Guide to Data Privacy and Cybersecurity by The New Oil
- Black-Owned Businesses Guide
- Eight Things You Can Do To Stop ICE by Crimethinc
- Five Open Source Alternatives to Zoom
- Free Sewing: "FreeSewing is open source software to generate bespoke sewing patterns, loved by home sewers and fashion entrepreneurs alike. Industry sizing is a bunch of lies. Join the slow fashion revolution and enjoy clothes that fit you."
- GOG.com: Own the games you buy forever (this also applies [to itch.io]
- Google sucks and Civil Liberties Defense Center gives instructions on how to leave them
- Here's a PDF Version of the CIA Guide to Sabotaging Fascism by Jason Koebler
- Kiwix: "Kiwix is a non-profit organization and a free and open-source software project dedicated to providing offline access to free educational content. The name “Kiwix” is a play on the word “Wiki” as it represented our initial goal of making Wikipedia accessible offline."
- KNOW YOUR RIGHTS ICE Response Toolkit by Code Pink
- Pluto Books is having a Black Liberation Bookshelf sale until March
- Preparing for the Unexpected: A Go-Bag Guide for Trans Folks from Trans Guy Supply
- Protect Your Visual Content with Pixsy
- Red Cards: "All people in the United States, regardless of immigration status, have certain rights and protections under the U.S. Constitution. The ILRC’s Red Cards help people assert their rights and defend themselves in many situations, such as when ICE agents go to a home."
- Sunny Days by Sesame Street: A weekly video to better your day!
- The Strange Secret to Success by Earl Nightingale and art by After Skool: This is the source of the motivation quote that has worked 110% of the time: "The time will pass anyways."
Destroy the systems that seek to destroy you!
A parting video