a challenge you say
from here on in, i write without an editor.
i’ve heard one of the best ways to learn to trust yourself is to do things that matter to you without seeking others’ validation for your choices.
this month, each day, i’m going to write about something i care about, exactly 1k words, and just press send. (for all our sakes’, i _will_ be proofreading. im just refusing to give myself enough time to put these words back in the drafts that will never see the light of this decade).
growing up, i was not really allowed to be angry. and i turned a lot of that anger in on myself in very violent and seemingly irreparable ways. when i got out of high school (and a little before), i learned how to turn that anger outwards, but my aim wasn’t always true.
after a couple of things that have happened in the past few months and blessed words and actions from people in my corner, im realizing that anger is important, it is useful, but on its own, it’s not sustainable.
i know at the root of anger, at the root of my toughest emotions is the same root for all the emotions that feel good: care. i am angry because i care about my communities, where and how we live, and the injustices that make it nearly impossible to exist, much less live and live well.
there is no shortage of things that make me angry. but at the end of the day, i can only do so much in its name. during my hardest days, it was not anger that got me to the next unimaginable moment, it was care. the care of my communities pouring into me, the care for myself to treat myself to (1) thing that would make this moment easier to live in, and allowing those things to move me forward.
i worry about writing recently, and for a while, because i don’t have an editor. that was part of my decision to try autostraddle again—i had an editor i trusted and who rarely changed any of my words before i could say yay or nay as they went to print. i’ve been worried about writing without an editor because most of my “publishable” things have been under an editor’s eye. though it helped a lot in my writing, it also gave me permission to slack in trusting myself. even writing this i’ve had to stop myself from tearing myself down (why do we always think this will protect us from others getting the chance to tear us down? why don’t we ever question why we are in the company of people who we fear this from? or/also, question what we’ve been through that we allow this defense against imagined (it hasn’t happened!) hurt? and why aren’t we spending the time to address and unlearn that? i say we because it gives me permission to avoid the terrifying, lonely and/or brave “I”. i’m hoping soon i can do stand in the “I” by myself, be by myself in truth.)
now that i don’t have editors and still, miraculously, want to write, i’ve got no choice but to trust myself if i want words out of my head and onto a page. to keep myself sane and accountable, im laying out parameters:
i’ve turned off the stats section because it’s honestly none of my business and i know that will affect me negatively
i will not check emails from this place after 10pm (wanna make it earlier, but chile we gotta be realistic if we’re gonna get this done anywhere outside of hope)
i’m just gonna keep my head down. i’m not here to make this my job because i know i will destroy myself in the process.
i’m not writing my full heart out. i know (im learning) everyone doesn’t deserve that. and once it’s out, i cannot take it back.
so. 31 days, 3100 words shared (im a poet, this is hard).
here we go.