The Slime Machine Stops
I hope you’re all doing as well this week as can be expected in these trying times. Things have been quiet around the ol’ goblin burrow this week, but let me pat my own ass quickly before we get to the important thing (ie this week’s Midnight Pals’ nonstop boffo laffs!)
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Last week, I mentioned that my story Low Tide Jenny had been selected as a finalist for Tenebrous Press’ Brave New Weird award & anthology. Very excited to say that it made the cut and is an OFFICIAL Brave New Weird winner now! Low Tide Jenny has also been selected as an official recommended short story by the Nebula awards, which, as I understand it, doesn’t actually mean anything but it’s still cool nonetheless. It’s available to read in Seize the Press magazine for free if depressing stories about bad decisions made at the end of the world are your bag.
In other story news, my short story No Adults Allowed will debut in Bag of Bones Press’ daylight horror anthology Step Into the Light. It’s all about what happens to the world when there’s no adults around. No adults around?? You know what that means!!! NO RULES!!!! it’s time to hire christopher lloyd to pose as a camp counselor and PARTY!!
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And here’s this week’s MIDNIGHT PALS:
Stephen King: Submitted for the
Elon Musk [popping out of bushes]: ey stepheno king
King: approval of the midni
Musk: you thinka you so smart
Musk: donta you ignora me!
Musk: this time I gonna getya!!
Musk: I bringa da babylon bee!
Musk: oh you gonna be so owned paisano!
Musk: babylona bee you maka da joke now
Babylon Bee: BREAKING NEWS!!! Author Stephen King ugly, smells bad!! whatta scoop!!
Musk: XD XD XD XD
Babylon Bee: Extra extra! Read all about it! Stephen King is stupid!!!
Musk: haha stepheno howa you lika dat spicy meatball? haha oh!!! i maka de comedy!!!
Musk: thisa da funniest thing since Topo Gigio!!!
Babylon Bee: Extra extra! looks like that clown stephen king did it again. what a bunch of clowns
Musk: haha! how it keepa up the news like that?
Bablyon Bee: Extra extra! Stephen King is gay, which is bad! Read all about it!
Musk: comedy issa legal again!
Babylon Bee: Snowflake stephen king writes CRT book, announces new gender!! attack helicopter!!!!
Musk: Now thissa funny XD XD XD
King: uh
Barker: hey steve let me handle this one
Barker: elon i hear you like memes
Musk: i lova da memes, imma da funny guy!
Barker: check out this pic of maxine ghislaine
Musk: Musk: dattsa not funny
Musk: you thinka you all so funny
Musk: thatsa not funny
Musk: thissa funny
Babylon Bee: extra extra! there are too many genders nowadays!!!
Babylon Bee: please eliminate three.
Babylon Bee: with violence
Babylon Bee: I am not a crackpot!!
Musk: now thatsa funny
Musk: maybe you no lika it cuz you alla pedophiles!!!
Musk: notta lika me
Musk: now i musta go [boards lolita express]
***
TC Parker: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the homophobic protests in front of a school
Parker: i know that sounds like a real downer
Parker: but just wait there's gonna be a twist
Parker: actually about 4 of them
Parker: ok so what if when a homophobic bigot tried to give you shit
Parker: what if you just killed them?
Parker: what if you totally just merc'd them?
King: but TC that would just make you as bad as them
Barker: shut the fuck up steve
Barker: you know that would be good as hell
TC Parker: what if you killed that bigot
Parker: and then you skinned them
Parker: and then made their bloody flayed body into a big gory art noveu project
Barker: ha ha
Barker: now i don't know art
Barker: but i know what i like
Parker: what if the homophobic protests were actually orchestrated by the devil?
Barker: wait wait that doesn't make sense
Barker: the devil loves gay shit
King: gosh clive that's a little dodgy to say
Barker: the devil is absolutely gay as all hell
Barker: i think i would know
Parker: not only is the devil there, but there's also werewolves involved
Parker: and zombies!
Parker: and what the heck there's a wizard there too
Parker: it's a regular monster mash!
Parker: maybe even a graveyard smash
Parker: actually they're not really werewolves
Parker: more like werefoxes
Lafcadio Hearn: EXCUSE ME!!!!
Hearn: they're called kitsunes
Hearn: [dropping pocky in indignation] and they're beautiful!!
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Edward Lee: bro i got some big news
Mary SanGiovanni: we're doing a collaboration
Poe:
Poe: you and edward?
SanGiovanni: yes
Lee: it's gonna be totally eldritch bro
Lee: so eldritch bro
Lee: i was thinking bro
Lee: what if cthulhu had titties
SanGiovanni: yeah! exactly
SanGiovanni: they would be HUGE
Lee: you know it bro
Lee: like
Lee: [pantomiming breasts] like this big
Lee: like a D cup
SanGiovanni: oh yeah like at least a D cup
Lee: bro
Lee: what do you mean
Lee: "at least"
SanGiovanni: they'd probably be bigger i mean
Lee: bro
Lee: bro you mean like
Lee: a double D?
SanGiovanni: yeah exactly
Lee: those exist bro?
Lee: i mean i heard legends
SanGiovanni: oh yeah they go way up
SanGiovanni: like cthulhu would probably wear a
SanGiovanni:
SanGiovanni: well cthulhu is like a godzilla-sized squid god soooo
SanGiovanni: maybe like an F?
Lee: bro you can't write F cup no one's gonna believe that bro
SanGiovanni: no no people will believe it
Lee: oh yeah sure bro
Lee: whatever you say bro
Lee: [imagining an F cup breast]
Lee: our cthulhu is gonna be full of big unnaturals
SanGiovanni: you mean cuz cthulhu's tits would be like esoteric horrors beyond time and space
Lee: no i mean like
Lee: cthulhu gets implants
Lee: bro just imagine them
Lee: big
SanGiovanni: yes
Lee: supple
SanGiovanni: yes
Lee: non-euclidian
SanGiovanni: yes
***
Thomas Disch: I’m going to get a snack, okay?
Poe: oh sure, help yourself
Disch: I wasn’t talking to you, edgar
Disch: I was talking to the refrigerator
Poe:
Disch: I’m going to take some food out of you, refrigerator
Poe:
Disch: hello toaster how are you today
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Poe: uhh
Disch: please, edgar, I’m talking to the toaster
Disch: hello toaster
Disch: toaster, you’re not very talkative today
Disch: are you feeling okay?
Poe: does the uh
Poe: does the toaster usually talk
Disch: oh you can’t shut him up usually
Disch: HELLO TOASTER CAN YOU HEAR ME
Disch: hey blender how’s it going
Disch: ah hah that’s a good one, blender
Koontz:
Koontz: hello blender? Are you there?
Poe: dean no
Poe: just no
Disch: I’m gonna go to the bathroom
Barker: oh dude are you gonna talk to the toilet
Disch: yeah, why else would I go to the bathroom?
Barker: to
Barker:
Barker: ok shit I gotta see this
Disch: hello bathtub, nice day huh?
David Demchuk: boy if bathtubs could talk huh
Demchuk: imagine the stories they would tell ha ha
Bram Stoker: why do you guys always have to talk about the bathtub
Stoker: what’s the deal with the bathtub!?!?
Demchuk: it’s just a bathtub, it’s just there
Stoker: BUT WHY????? I NEED TO KNOW WHY????
Disch:
Disch: haha you said it, sink!
Disch: these guys are WEIRD
Disch: toilet? Hello, toilet?
No response huh?
Disch: I guess they didn’t implement that action
Disch: either that or a very finicky parser
Disch: rest assured I will be registering my displeasure within minutes on intfiction.org
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Current Horror Reading: Hummingbird, by TC Parker… this one’s wild, does not go where I expected at all, there’s a new wrinkle every chapter. Some asshole homophobe churchies are protesting outside the Hummingbird school (eh? eh? hence the title) because they don’t like that the curriculum acknowledges gay people exist, setting the stage for an apocalyptic showdown between the forces of good and evil. Zombies, lycanthropes, wizards, demons… and most importantly bigots getting got. This one has it all!