Substack, baby, it's a little ol' place where we can get together
Hey all! Some BIG news this week. Those of you who still hang out on Twitter despite Elon’s best efforts to drive you away may have already heard this, but I’m very excited to announce that I have acquired representation just like a legitimate writer! I am now represented by John Baker and Julie Gourinchas of Bell Lomax Moreton! Check it out— I have an official profile on their page and everything! You should go read it and be impressed by my list of accomplishments! Actually no, you should go look at that photo of me, because look how hot I once was. As you are, I was! As I am, you will be! Ah to be young again and also a goblin.
The third Midnight Pals book is still on schedule, but, beyond that, this means you may yet actually see An Actual Traditional Book from me in time. Let’s just say, I have a dangerously horny psycho-sexual horror story about a hippie lesbian cult, a vengeful nature god, and a very bad psychedelic trip in me. There will also be raccoons in it.
***
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Mary Shelley: my little man percy here’s got a story
Mary Shelley: and you’re all gonna sit and listen to it okay?
Mary Shelley: alright tell your story percy
Percy Shelley: yes dear
Mary Shelley: you fuckers are gonna love this
Lord Byron: [tossing hair] ah mary now you know if you want a real story, a story of dashing derring do from a real man
Mary Shelley: shut the fuck up
Mary Shelley: maybe I wasn’t clear
Mary Shelley: my little man here is fucking talking now
Ben Shapiro: sir sir sir
Shapiro: excuse me SIR
Shapiro: so now apparently sir you think the devil is “cool”
Percy Shelley:
Mary Shelley: I’ll handle this, percy
Mary Shelley: the devil fucking rules, you little nerd
Shapiro: [huffing indignantly]
Shapiro: sir!!! Sir!!!! SIR!!!!
Shapiro: what’s the deal with
Shapiro: well sir apparently “transgressive poets” like
Shapiro: like this percy shelley
Shapiro: they think the devil is “cool”
Shapiro: sir! SIR!!!
Shapiro: perhaps you didn’t know SIR
Shapiro: that actually SIR if you read your bible SIR
Shapiro: the devil is ACTUALLY the VILLAIN SIR
Shapiro: hmm looks like I just ran rings around you
Shapiro: with facts AND logic
Shapiro: SIR!!!!
Mary Shelley: who the fuck is this nerd
Ben Shapiro: SIR!!! SIR!!! Calling me a nerd is anti-semitism sir!!!
Mary Shelley: which one of you dorks invited this little shit
King: it wasn’t our idea mary!
Poe: he just started showing up after he wrote that book about voring democrats
Ben Shapiro: sir!! Sir!!! Sir!!!!
Shapiro: maybe you didn’t know this SIR
Shapiro: because the devil is bad actually SIR!!!
Shapiro: therefore I don’t understand SIR!!!
Shapiro: why transgressive artists keep using him in storytelling
Shapiro: SIR!!!!
Shapiro: why can’t you tell some nice stories instead
Shapiro: about how Israel never did anything wrong
Shapiro: and also about vore
Shapiro: SIR!!!
Shapiro: actually this is cultural Marxism
Shapiro: and also woke moralism
Shapiro: AND political correctness run amok
Shapiro: it’s all three SIR!!!
Mary Shelley: I’m going to stab this little shit
Mary Shelley: and I’m going to stab whichever one of you fuckers invited him
Barker: it was howard
Lovecraft: m-me???
Mary Shelley: [shivving lovecraft] that scans
***
Guillermo del Toro: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of Frankenstein
del Toro: but what if Frankenstein was hot
Stephen King: do you mean the doctor or the monster
King: because, technically, the monster is frankenstein’s monster and
del Toro: I know what I said, steve
Del Toro: in this retelling, the doctor is played by Oscar isaacs
del Toro: and the monster is played by Andrew Garfield
Barker: do they fuck
Poe: clive
Barker: no really
Barker: I think in this situation
Barker: this is a good question
King: yeah actually he has a point
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
del Toro: I was just talking about my Frankenstein adaptation with Oscar isaacs and Andrew Garfield
Shelley: do they fuck?
Barker: see? That’s what I was asking!
Del Toro: “do they fuck”
del Toro: what a question!
del Toro: would I, Guillermo del toro, cinema’s most notorious monster fucker, make a film where monsters fuck!
del Toro: it’s like none of you even saw the shape of water
King: oh what happens in that?
del Toro:
del Toro: they fuck
King: wait do they really
King: on screen?
del Toro: hardcore X-rated swim bladder action
Bram Stoker: oh GREAT now you’re gonna ruin Frankenstein!
Stoker: it’s bad enough that they made Dracula horny
Stoker: now they’re gonna back Frankenstein horny!
Stoker: so gross
Stoker: bleh!
Stoker: why do you guys always have to make everything so sexual
Stoker: it was better when Frankenstein was a big green thing with, like, the weird head
Stoker: man, there was NO way yo could get horny looking at that
Stoker: so totally good and unsexy
Stoker: now that’s the way to do it
Mary Shelley: shut up
Mary Shelley: so they fuck right
del Toro: of course they fuck
Shelley: I got a great scene for ya Guillermo
Shelley: what if they fuck on the monster’s mother’s grave
del Toro:
del Toro: um the monster doesn’t really
Shelly: [flipping switchblade] who’s writing this story, nerd?
***
[Scottish castle]
Agent: hey joanne
JK Rowling: Lydia
Rowling: what newssss do you bring of the outsssside muggle world
Agent:
Agent: uh well
Agent: there’s been A LOT of buzz about your new Hogwarts game
Rowling: good buzz?
Agent:
Rowling: the children all love my hogwartssss game do they not?
Rowling: they love to be transsssported back to the whimsssical apolitical world of harry potter!
Rowling: lotssss of good publicity, right?
Agent: well
Agent: if you think about it
Agent: there’s no such thing as BAD publicity right?
Rowling: you sssspeak of the Hogwartsssss game which I had nothing to do with, correct?
Rowling: completely handsss off! No involvement whatssssoever!
Rowling: sssso keep in mind that a certain twitter thread absolutely in no way reflectssss reality
Rowling: legally, it mussst be said it’s for entertainment purposessss only
Agent: so about this Hogwarts game
Rowling: yesss?
Agent: I notice it’s about a goblin rebellion
Rowling: yesss?
Agent: you know, joanne, there’s been a lot of talk lately
Agent: about your goblins
Rowling: yesss?
Agent: do you think maybe
Agent: could the game be about
Agent: about something else?
Rowling: what do you mean
Agent: like
Agent: there’s a lot of aspects of your world that aren’t
Agent: weirdly antisemitic
Agent: maybe you could make the game about some of those?
Agent: like, about a dragon or
Agent: idk
Agent: a beholder or something?
Rowling: Lydia
Rowling: maybe you’ve forgotten your place as my agent
Rowling: your job is to ferry the big bags of money from WB to my vault
Rowling: I’m the whimssssical geniusss who comes up with ideasss!
Agent: I’m afraid there’s a problem joanne
Rowling: what?
Agent: it turns out that they accidently made the game antisemitic
Agent: and accidentally hired an alt right gamergate guy to make it
Agent: and a psychotic MRA anti family court guy to voice 12 characters
Rowling: wow, what a comedy of completely unintended errorssss!
Agent: it’s kind of a real whoopsy doodle altogether, honestly
Rowling: I don’t undersssstand why people are mad
Rowling: they don’t like my hook-nosed bankers who use childrensss blood for vile ritualsss?
Agent: people think they’re kinda antisemitic
Rowling: well, I thought the jewsss wanted represssentation!
Agent:
Rowling: next they’re gonna get mad about the sssuspiciously goblin sssympathetic transss character!
Rowling: you know, transss are a plot by the global goblin elite
Agent:
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: my loyal circle of terf death eaterssss
Rowling: everyone is mad about my hogwartsss game
Rowling: but you all undersssstand
Pamela Paul: of course we do!
Pamela Paul: man, wouldn’t it be cool if we could live in Hogwarts legacy for real?
Paul: like, maybe like
Paul: what if there were goblins living in your neighborhood? And you could report them to some sort of goblin culling authority?
Paul: or if some of your neighbors were secretly hiding goblins in their attic and you could report them?
Paul: wouldn’t that be fun?
Paul: I feel like ron desantis is the man who could make this a reality
Paul: see, ron desantis has his finger on the pulse
Paul: he knows what the average American likes
Paul: and the average joe, let me tell you, he loves big trains
Paul: big rattling cattle cars, passing in the night, carrying strange cargo to mysterious ends
Paul: a knock on the door in the night
Paul: it’s like a fun mystery!
Paul: americans love ron desantis banning books
Paul: and, quite frankly, as the new York times book reviewer
Paul: it kinda makes my job easier!
***
Benjamin Wheatley: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of a field in England
Wheatley: starring Reece Shearsmith
Stephen King: oh good! The league of gentlemen! I could do with a good laugh
Wheatley:
Wheatley: it’s a tale of psychological torture and psychedelic manipulation
King: I’m laughing already!
Wheatley: it all takes place in
Wheatley: a field so English
Wheatley: I’m going to create a field so English
Wheatley: so these guys during the English civil war
Wheatley: they go to this field
Stephen King: [whispering to Tabitha king] that’s the field in England
Tabitha King: yes steve I know
Wheatley: so these guys pull on a rope and that makes an alchemist appear
King: this story is a little confusing
Wheatley: it is now, yes
Wheatley: but to help you all follow along, I’ve taken the liberty of putting some psilocybin in all your smores
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Poe: oh come on really now
Poe: that is not funny
Fitz James O’Brien: naw it’s fine edgar, it’s cool
Poe: you would say that
O’Brien: you just gotta go with the flow man
Poe: I am not enjoying this
O’Brien: you know, they’ve done studies about how it’s actually good for your brain
Poe: please shut up
King: haha oh man
King: oh man I am tripping out
King: DUDE
King: DUDE
King: was jk rowling always a snake
Poe: yes steve
King: what about brian Jacques
King: was he always a mouse
Poe: yes steve
King: that is too much man