(Remember to Put Substack Title here!!!)
Oooopsss!!! Oh no, I sent out the substack without a title!! How embarrassing! Anyway, work continues on both Midnight Pals 3 AND (Mysterious Untitled Horror Novel that involves raccoons). We’re also moving forward on the Midnight Pals podcast and I’m excited to announce that we’ve found some dynamite voices for the main cast! I’m really jazzed for you all to hear them! We’ve also got a SECRET guest star slated for JK Rowling. I think you’ll be entertained! Get ready to thrill to the dulcet tones of…
Stephen King—Jason Robinson @videocrime
Edgar Allan Poe—Rodrigo Borges @TheCommanderRod
Clive Barker—Sister Indica @SISTERINDICA
Dean Koontz—Wren Montgomery @Wren_Montgomery
Mary Shelley—Rebecca D'Souza
HP Lovecraft—Robin Johnson @rdouglasjohnson
We had LOTS of incredible auditions and it was really hard to make a final decision. Ultimately, I had to go with my gut! All these actors really nailed that perfect je nais sai quo that I hear in my head when I think of the pals: Jason Robinson really hit the “doofy dad” quality I wanted for Stephen King, Rodrigo Borges nailed that perfect “weary everyman” vibe, Sister Indica nailed the “catty asshole” vibe, Wren Montgomery nailed the “aw shucks, wow” vibe, Rebecca D’Souza nailed the “aloof bad ass” vibe , and Robin Johnson is a perfect “high-strung weirdo.” Very happy with this stellar cast and very excited for you to hear!
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: joanne
Rowling: I want to invite you all to hear my ssspecial podcassst appearance
Poe: oh god
Barker: what’s it called
Rowling: it’s called ‘the witch trialsss of jk rowling’
Barker: ah hahaha
Rowling: ssssee, it referssss to the fact that I wrote a book about witchesss
Rowling: but also, like historical witchesss, I have been unfairly persecuted
Barker: damn did you think of that yourself
Rowling: I’ve been workssshopping it for a while
Rowling: it’sss come to my attention
Rowling: that you lot have been criticizing me
Barker: damn what gave you that impression
Poe: clive
Barker: real big brain moments here
Poe: clive
Rowling: for too long, I’ve been silenced
Rowling: now it’s time for ME to do the ssssilencing
Rowling: with the most POWERFUL spell of all
King: oh no! the killing curse!
Rowling: NO
Rowling: WORSE
Rowling: [handing legal papers to King] you have been sssilenced
Rowling: [hanging legal papers to Poe] you have been sssilenced
Poe: what’s this
Rowling: papers from my solicitor
Rowling: that’s a lawyer by the way
Poe: I know what that is
Rowling: these paperssss legally prohibit you from making fun of me
Poe: what’s this red stain? Spaghetti sauce?
Rowling: jusssst ignore that
Barker: ahahah
Rowling: I’v got papersss for you too clive
Barker: oh this is some bullshit
Rowling: it’s time that everyone heard MY side of the story
King: what’s your side of the story?
Rowling: my side is
Rowling: “golly I’m just a simple childrens writer golly”
King: oh wow she makes a good point
Poe: no she doesn’t steve
King: but she’s just a simple-
Poe: steve
Rowling: now that you’ve all received letters from my solicitor
Rowling: no one is ever allowed to make fun of me again
Mary Shelley: hey I been looking through these papers
Shelley: and funny thing, I don’t see any anti-shiv clause in here
Rowling:
Barker: oh damn joanne that’s a big oversight
Rowling: for too long the transsss have allowed to post freely
Rowling: but who’s telling my ssside of the sssstory?
Rowling: besides the entire British media establishment
Rowling: but other than that, who?
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have good newsss
Rowling: I have ssuccesssssfully ssssued my criticssss into sssilence
Rowling: my british criticssss, that is
Rowling: [mumbling under breath] lousssy ssstinking americansss
Rowling: confound those americansss!
Rowling: with their free ssspeech!
Rowling: and their maverick, can-do attitude!
Rowling: AND their yankee ingenuity!
Rowling: did you know that they put actual spices in their food over there?
Helen Joyce: no they don’t, I’m sure that’s just a myth
Joyce: like intersex people
Rowling: no it’s true
Rowling: they have all these ssspicessss
Rowling: like
Rowling: cumin
Rowling: and
Rowling: oregano
Rowling: it’s awful, they really irritate my Jacobsssson's organ
Jesse Singal: mommy mommy help me
JK Rowling: oh here comesss a sssspecial boy
Rowling: whatsss the matter jesse
Singal: it was that big bully gretchen felker-martin
Rowling: FELKER MARTIN
Rowling: why that
Rowling: OOO how I hate
Rowling: OOO i wish i had sssome eyelidsss to narrow
Rowling: what did she do jesssse, tell mommy all about it
Singal: well see
Singal: i was just minding my own business
Singal: thinking about the importance of inspecting childrens genitals
Singal: you know to make sure they're gender-conforming
Rowling: right right of courssse
Singal: [sobbing] and then out of nowhere she said
Singal: [sobbing] she said
Rowling: there there baby let it all out
Rowling: tell mommy what she said
Singal: [bravely holding back tears] she said
Singal: [blubbering, snot gushing from nose] she said i was responsible for fostering a moral hysteria that kills trans people!!
Singal: [ugly crying] just because i was ask
Singal: [ugly crying] ask
Singal: [ugly crying] asking questions
Singal: [ugly crying] she was mad at me because of the murder of a trans teenager
Singal: [ugly crying] it was like she didn't even care that i was the real victim
Singal: [ugly crying] cuz people were very very mean to me online
Rowling: oh yesss baby i underssstand
Rowling: that felker martin!!! first she kills me in her book
Rowling: which is exactly like dying in real life
Rowling: now she insssultsss my ssspecial boy!
Rowling: well!
Rowling: i won't sssstand for this anymore!!
Singal: [sobbing] what are you gonna do
Rowling: i'm going to build a 4 foot fence SO tall...
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: it sssseemsss that my podcassst
Rowling: where i explained how i'm the real victim
Rowling: didn't go over asssss well as i'd hoped
Rowling: sssseemssss people were ssstill thinking about that transsss teen who got murdered yesssterday
Rowling: everyone'ssss ignoring MY victimhood
Rowling: and just thinking about that murdered teenager
Helen Joyce: i don't know why
Joyce: i've already stopped thinking about that
Jesse Singal: i'm still thinking about it
Singal: mostly thinking about the victim's genitals actually
Rowling: luckily i have a backup plan
Rowling: allow me to introduce
Rowling: pamela paul
Rowling: sssshe'll explain why i'm actually the victim
Pamela Paul: i live to serve dark lord
Pamela Paul: people say that JK Rowling hates trans people
Paul: but consider that once she tweeted this...
Paul: "I support trans people but"
Paul: just ignore that but there btw
Rowling: thank you for your sssservice pamela
Rowling: as your reward, here's a big bag of dumbledore coins
Paul:
Rowling: thosssse are legal tender
Paul:
Paul: where?
Rowling: in fact, from now on, you're ALL going to be paid in dumbledore coins
Rowling: keep your dumbledore coinssss, boyssss!
Rowling: the Republic of Pottermore is jusssst around the corner
***
Edgar Allan Poe: i feel like there's been way too much drama here lately
Poe: too many cranks just venting obsessions and paranoias!
Poe: can't we just hear a nice, simple, old-fashioned horror story?
HP Lovecraft: i-i've got one
Poe: ...son of a bitch
Poe: ok howard let's hear it
August Derleth: wooo! yeah!
Derleth: go off Howard, you got this!
Lovecraft: y-yeah ok
Derleth: a-grade storytelling, right here! modern master!
Lovecraft: a premise occurred to me one night while in the throes of fitful sleep
Derleth: yes! yes! tossing and turning! sweat that plot out
Lovecraft: about an ill-fated expedition to the Antarctic
Derleth: cold as ice! chilly like my willy, baby
Lovecraft: p-please stop
Poe: ah, the South Pole
Poe: a promising location for a doomed voyage
Poe: not to spoil anything but
Poe: they all drown in the magnetic whirlpool, right?
Lovecraft:
Poe: that resides at the bottom of the world, right?
Lovecraft:
Poe: perhaps they're slaughtered by hostile peoples of the inner earth?
Lovecraft: n...
Lovecraft: no, there's a continent there
Poe: oh, a fantasy story? fun!
Lovecraft: even the beginning of this terrible journey is fraught with peril
Lovecraft: for they must encounter that most loathsome of all birds
Lovecraft: THE PENGUIN
Clive Barker:
Barker: ah ha ha
Barker: oh man
Barker: let's fucking go, curtain up
Dean Koontz: i like penguins :)
Koontz: stephen let me watch happy feet
Koontz: it was funny
Koontz: except for the seal
Stephen King: we had to fast-forward past the seal
King: and the orcas
King: pretty much the entire second half
Koontz: i like when they dance
Lovecraft: b-but these are no ordinary penguins
Lovecraft: the average penguin is black AND white
Lovecraft: a hideous mixture in itself
Lovecraft: yet these massive creatures are ALBINO
Lovecraft: so pale as to be mistaken for snowdrifts at a distance
Lovecraft: you might say they are passing for white
Poe: uhh
Derleth: shhh, let him cook
Lovecraft: t-the group found a perplexing frozen specimen
Lovecraft: i-it was only when they discovered the ruins later that they realized it was a being of great intelligence
Lovecraft: for, you see
Lovecraft: the thing had no skull to measure
Lovecraft: millions of years ago, the Old Ones flourished upon the continent
Lovecraft: they built a society dedicated to pure scientific achievement
Lovecraft: yet, in the cruelest irony
Lovecraft: they were overwhelmed by sheer brute strength
Barker: lol
Barker: get owned nerds
Lovecraft: i-it was a most grand civilization
Lovecraft: accomplished universities. safe to slither the streets at night
Lovecraft: and then a certain kind of creature
Lovecraft: i shall not say whom
Lovecraft: took over
Lovecraft: and the property values... they plummeted
Derleth: okay look i'm getting a little sick of all of you calling Howard a bigot
Derleth: i keep telling you he's simply a man of his time
Lovecraft: the shoggoths were faceless slaves of the deepest black hue
Lovecraft: possessing a fiendish malevolence to compensate for their lack of a brain
Derleth:
Derleth: oh and i suppose you're just going to take THAT out of context
Lovecraft: most chilling of all the shoggoths' attributes was their infernal piping
Lovecraft: it imitated the structure of the Old Ones' music
Lovecraft: but it was as if they spoke rather than harmonized it
Lovecraft: and inserted coarse references to anatomy
Lovecraft: there were indeed some horrors in this house
Lovecraft: and they were wet and gushy
Lovecraft: no bucket or mop would suffice
Lovecraft: they escaped with their lives, yet Danford was tormented by visions of the shoggoth unto madness
Lovecraft: for knowledge of the unknown has a terrible price, and death and ignorance are our only mercies
Lovecraft: the end
Barker:
Poe:
Koontz:
King:
King: so, Dean, I have this DVD of Norm of the North
John W. Campbell: say, that's a pretty good yarn, but couldn't more happen with the shapeshifting
Campbell: what if the shoggoth was able to fully mimic its human prey
Lovecraft: fully ASSIMILATED among men?
Lovecraft: there is cosmic horror, sir, and then there is simply bad taste
(Thanks to guest writer my pal Morbiose for help with this thread!)