Midnight Pallin' Around
Well, it’s been a week here around the ol’ goblin burrow. Circumstances had conspired to make it look like I would not be able to attend this year’s Further Confusion convention (spoiler for new friends: i am also a disgusting furry), but then a last minute miracle changed all that! Look at how much fun we had! (I’m writing this before actually going to the con, but I’m gonna assume I had fun)
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Here’s some cool news! Pre-orders are now open for The World Belongs to Us, an anthology of insect-themed horror from From Beyond Press. My story, “Honeydew and Cloves,” about a giant grub and a business deal gone bad, appears in this! Check it out!
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In more serious news, my good friend Justine is in trouble again. Justine is a single trans mother caring for a disabled son. Last year, I posted about her GoFundme when she was in danger of losing her home and the horror community really surprised me with their generosity: It was fully funded in just 3 days! I won’t presume that lightning will strike twice, but I gotta do what I can to spread the word. For their safety, Justine and her son are trying to leave Idaho, which has become increasingly hostile to trans people in recent years, and move to Washington which has more robust protections for trans people. You can find her GoFundMe here — it would mean a lot to me if you could spread the word or drop a couple bucks if you could spare it. Alternatively, I’ve started a sale in my itchio store with all proceeds going to Justine. If you haven’t yet got your hands on the Midnight Pals books, then now might be the time!
Hopefully I’ll have more merch available soon. After all, the third Midnight Pals book should be ready soon! Key word: hopefully. Fingers crossed!
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And now here’s some Midnight Pals!
Lucy Clifford: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the new mother
Clifford: now then
Clifford: you must all remember that if you’re bad
Clifford: your mother will abandon you and you’ll get a new monster mother
Barker: haha badass
Clifford: NO
Clifford: no clive it is not
Clifford: this new mother, she’s got glass eyes
Clifford: and a wooden tail
Clifford: I can’t emphasize this enough
Clifford: she is REAL fucked up
Clifford: so these kids are real naughty
Clifford: until their mom is all “I must leave, my home planet needs me”
Clifford: “here’s your new mom”
Clifford: “she’s a monster btw”
Clifford: “enjoy”
Clifford: anyway the kids just live the rest of their lives in the woods, eating nuts and berries
Clifford: and every so often they sneak up to the windows of the house where they used to live
Clifford: in the vain hope that maybe their mother has come back
Clifford: but no it’s always the monster mom in there
Clifford: The end
Clifford: sweet dreams, everyone!
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Koontz: [starts crying]
Poe: no no dean it’s okay
Poe: it’s just a story
Poe: it is just a story right?
Clifford
King: [starts crying]
Poe: oh come on!
Poe: now see what you’ve done
Clifford: now you see what happens if you’re naughty?
Koontz: [sobbing] yeah
Clifford: “yes”
Koontz: I mean yes
Clifford: “yes ms clifford”
Koontz: [sniffling]
Koontz: yes ms clifford
Clifford: now then
Clifford: you’re all going to be good little boys and girls from now on aren’t you?
King: yes ma’am
Poe: yes ma’am
Koontz: yes ma’am
Barker:
Clifford: aren’t you?
Barker: [sullenly] yes ma’am
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
King: lucy was just telling us the most terrifying story
King: if you’re bad, you know you get a new mother?
Shelley: pfft, whatever, that already happened to me
King: yeah but this new mother is scary
Shelley:
Shelley: haha
Shelley: I’m not scared of ANY mother
Shelley: some mother tries to scare me, I’ll fuck on her grave
Shelley: just like I did with the old mother!
Shelley: see if I don’t!
***
Lucy Clifford: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the new mother
Clifford: if kids are naughty, then your mom will abandon you
Clifford: and a new BAD mom will come for you
Neil Gaiman: zounds!
Gaiman: a lightning bolt of inspiration!
Gaiman: as from the very heavens themselves!
Gaiman: quick! Fetch me my big old-timey quill!
Gaiman: The mind fishes of my fantasmaquarium are leaping!
Clifford: so you better be good or your parents will disappear
Stephen King: don’t you worry about that joe
Joe Hill: I wasn’t worried, dad
King: because I would NEVER abandon you
Hill: I know that, dad
King: but it’s also a moot point
King: because my boy Joe would NEVER be naughty
King: my boy joe is good as gold!
King: I don’t care who knows it
King: my boy Joe is the BEST son
Hill: dad, please
King: I’m so proud of you, Joe
Hill: dad I haven’t done anything
King: I mean in general
King: and you can’t take that away from me!
King: my boy joe is the best!
King: I LOVE MY SON
Joe Hill: mom, make him stop
Tabitha King: your father loves you very much joe
Tabitha King: and so do i!
Tabitha King: I LOVE MY SON JOE
Hill: mommmmm
Stephen King: we just love you so much joe
King: and we’re SO proud of everything you do
King: whatever that might be
Hill: dad, stop
Hill: grady Hendrix is watching
Grady Hendrix: [flipping skateboard] har har lookit daddy’s precious little joey
Joe Hill: shut up grady Hendrix, you’re not so smart
Hendrix: [skeptically pushing down shutter shades] oh no? well if you’re not daddy’s special boy, why don’t you prove it?
Hendrix: talk back to your dad
Hendrix: unless you’re afraid of lucy clifford’s story
Hill: I’m
Hill: I’m not afraid
Hill:
Hill: I just
Hill: I just don’t want to
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you hear?
Rowling: people are ssssaying that I wassss the firssst author to write about poverty
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker: oh are they
Poe: clive
Barker: are they saying that?
Poe: clive
Barker:
Rowling: people are ssssaying that I’m the firsssst author to realisssstically deal with poverty in writing
Barker: who exactly is saying this joanne
Rowling: oh you know
Rowling: ssssome guy online
Barker: oh some guy huh
Poe: clive
Barker: the great literary thinker some guy huh
Rowling: if you think about it
Rowling: hass there been an author before me who wrote about poverty?
Rowling: I mean without making it look really cool and awesssome
Rowling: the previoussss authorsss alwayssss made it sssseem like real fun
Charles Dickens:
Rowling: well I meant the firsssst childrenssss author
Roahl Dahl:
Rowling: I meant the firsssst woman childrensss author
Beverly Cleary:
Rowling: LOOK why are all of you here anyway
Rowling: I’m jusssst ssssaying that other authorsss make poverty loo fun
Rowling: whereasssss I wrote about it honesssstly
Rowling: not assss a quaint affectation
Rowling: but asssss a natural ssside effect of being Irish
Rowling: anyway the important thing issss
Rowling: I wrote about how it ssssuckssss being poor
Rowling: that makessss me a notable first assss a writer
Rowling: therefore transssss people should all be in campsss
Rowling: ipssso facto
Rowling: I don’t have time for thissss
Rowling: I need to move my ssscottish castle before I’m overrum by the transss
Rowling: ssscotland is no longer ssssafely transssphobic enough for my cassstle
Rowling: why, a transss could point it out on the hissstoric registry at any moment!
Barker: hey maybe you should put it in wales
Barker: haha
Rowling: maybe I will
Rowling: wait whatsss sso funny
Barker: or Ireland
Barker: haha
Rowling: ssso it sssseemsss the UK’s lesssser memberssss don’t want to do thissss genocide as badly?
Rowling: no matter
Rowling: we don’t need them
Rowling: the purebloods of England will win thissss fight alone!
Rowling: we’ll ssstation genital-fondling beefeaterssss at every border!
Rowling: we’ll build a 4 foot fence around the whole of England if we have to!
Rowling: Rule Brittannia!
***
Oscar Wilde: ah midnight society
King: OMG! Oscar wilde
King: guys it’s Oscar wilde!
Poe: yes steve
King: they say he’s the wittiest man in the world
Wilde: hmm and what is the world but a very big globe with people and other things on it
King: ha ha! Oh man I’m laughing already!
Wilde: there’s only one thing worse than being in a society and that’s not being in one
King: oh zing! Ha ha! He sure got us there!
Wilde: getting us is only half as bad as not getting
King: ha ha-
King:
King: wait what
King: do you have a story for us tonight Oscar?
Wilde: perhaps
Wilde: or perhaps a story has us for you tonight
King: ha ha! Oh man the jokes keep coming!
Barker: what the fuck, I don’t get it
Wilde: hm
Wilde: maybe it’s too droll for you?
Barker: oh yeah sure THAT’s the problem, whatever
Wilde: I am the master of drollery and wit
Wilde: for example
Wilde: [draping self over chaise lounge] a bird in a hand is worth two in the bush but who wants a bunch of birds
King: ah ha ha! Oh man!
King: my sides are aching!!
Barker: christ
Barker: this is gonna get real old real fast
Oscar Wilde: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the annoying americans who buy a haunted castle
Brian Asman: so this haunted castle is for sale?
Asman: where is this again
Asman: I just need to know for
Asman: reasons
Wilde: this is the story of the canterville ghost
Wilde: it will be very droll and witty
Barker: doesn’t seem like it’s gonna be very scary tho
Poe: clive
Poe: clive come on
Poe: it’s got a ghost
Poe: just be happy with that
Wilde: so these americans buy an English castle
Wilde: which has a ghost
Wilde: but they don’t believe it
Wilde: because they’re rational modern people who don’t believe in absurd fantasies
Wilde: I mean
Wilde: they’re americans, after all
Wilde: so the americans are Mr and Mrs. John Wayne B. Cheeseburger
Wilde: with their son Applepie Constitution Cheeseburger
Wilde: and their daughter Abraham Lincoln Cheeseburger
Wilde: and their younger twins Purple Mountains and Spacious Skies Cheeseburger
Barker: borrrring
Barker: talk about how hot butcher boys are again
Wilde: hmm nothing like a strapping butchers apprentice getting beef blood all over his rippling biceps and broad chest as he handles a steer carcass
Barker: YES
Barker: now there’s nothing about that image I don’t like
***
Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have good newssss
Rowling: sscotland thought it could get away with being lessss transssphobic
Rowling: well!
Rowling: not on my watch!
Rowling: I’m delighted to ssssay that wessstminsssster issss going to put those filthy ssscotsss their place
Rowling: imagine! Getting all uppity like that!
Rowling: we’ll sssoon put them back in their place!
Rowling: and that place is
Rowling: under the heel of the king
Stephen King: but joanne
King: what if
King: what if Scotland doesn’t like that
King: you just gonna
Barker: break up the UK over this?
Rowling: I would dessstroy 100 UKs if it meant the oppressssion of just ONE transss perssson!
King: I don’t really understand what’s going on
King: so you’re saying that Scotland decided to be less transphobic and England just
King: told them they can’t?
Rowling: yessss
Rowling: you make it ssssound like it’sss ssssomething bad, sssteve
Rowling: it’ssss actually very very good
King: I still don’t get it
Rowling: you wouldn’t!
Rowling: you americanssss! Alwayssss sssso obsssesssed with your ssssilly ideasss of
Rowling: repressssentational government
Rowling: here in England, the king tellssss ussss what to think and we like it!
King: It just seems to me that, you know, the people of Scotland have spoken on this?
King: and it seems really
Rowling: don’t worry ssssteve
Rowling: you’re going to get usssed to the idea of minoritarian rule real fasssst
King:
Rowling: we’ve got alliessss acrossssss the pond even now
King: I still don’t get it
Rowling: sss you wouldn’t sssteve
Rowling: I wouldn’t expect an American to underssstand the sssubtle beauty of British governance
[at the English parliament]
Large number of inbred gentry: [clacking Habsburg chins in dismay]
[at the English parliament]
Lord Thistlewit Splodge, MP for North Wankingshire: I say I say I say!!! Scotland thinks it can self-determine? Egad!
Lord Winston Hefferbottom, MP for West Hemmingwedge: Motion to fuck around!
Lord Skeffington Hooblebooble, MP for East Hinkleswitch: Second!
Lord Nigel Dinglehopper, MP for South Slurrysham: [hurumphing through dundrearies]
Rowling: look at what the transsss made ussss do
Rowling: with their ssssilly demandssss not to be killed!
Rowling: they made ussss break up the UK!
Rowling: if they loved your country you’d jussst conveniently disssappear
King: edward, you’re British
King: explain what’s going on
Edward Gorey: I say, old bean, I’m not British
King:
Gorey:
King:
Gorey:
Gorey: we’ve been over this before