It's Terfsmas, Charlie Brown
It’s Terfsmas and, boy, poor JK Rowling did NOT get the Scottish Gender Recognition bill defeat that she wanted. Too bad! Well, maybe she can console herself with her huge swathes of wealth. This’ll make more sense, I guess, when you see this week’s Midnight Pals — a special (almost) all Rowling edition lol — below but first…
Tenebrous Press published an interview with me in anticipation of the Brave New Weird anthology coming out in February 2023! As they say, “we talk with Bitter about some of their other projects; the setting for her Brave New Weird-chosen story, “Low Tide Jenny”; and that one time he fucked a demon.”
Other than that, I hope the holidays — whatever you celebrate or don’t — are treating you well. I’m at my job as I type this on Christmas Eve, preparing to deal with a string of people wandering in and saying “Whoa, you’re open on Christmas Eve???? Haha why aren’t you home spending time with your loved ones??? Is there some reason that your job makes you work today???? If so, it must be completely unrelated to the fact that I’ve blundered in here.” But obviously I can’t complain too much, since the fact that I’m writing this on the clock means I’m still getting away goofing off on the company dime. This is what we call praxis! Anyway here’s this week’s Midnight Pals…
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I just sssstopped in to wish you all a merry terfmassss
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Rowling: alssso a happy terfannukah
Rowling: a kwazy terfzaa
Rowling: tip top tert
Rowling: and a ssssolemn and dignified terfadann
King: oh I’ve never heard of terfmas, is that a new holiday?
Rowling: yesss it’s a tradition I just made it up
King: oh wait what
King: you can do that?
Barker: no
Poe: well in a sense all traditions are made up so
Barker: oh my god edgar stop being a nerd
Rowling: everyone knowssss terfsssmasss
Rowling: it’s that joyoussss day when jolly old sssaint nick
Rowling: visssitsss all good little boysss and girlssss
Rowling: (and there’sss only thossse two things by the way)
Rowling: and examinesss their genitalsss to make ssssure they’re sssleeping in the right big communal bed with their namessss on the headboard
Rowling: we gather around the yule log
Rowling: and sssing traditional terfssssmasss ssssongsss
Rowling: like ‘Rudolph the gender conforming reindeer’
Rowling: and ‘all I want for terfsssmasss is the defeat of the Scottish Gender Recognition Reform’
Rowling: and we make the traditional terfsssmasss plum pudding
Rowling: according to legend, the pudding should be prepared with 13 ingredients to represent Alison Bailey and the 12 jurors involved in her legal victory over stonewall
King: oh I thought she lost that case
Poe: well she did say ‘according to legend’
Rowling: after that, we have the traditional burning of tala the alien in effigy
Rowling: and the traditional burning of jessie gender in effigy
Rowling: and possibly in person if we can catch her
Rowling: and the
King: this whole holiday seems kinda mean spirited
Rowling: no no not at all
Rowling: you jussst don’t undersssstand my culture
King: what culture is that?
Rowling: british
Rowling: you will be vissssited by three gender critical ssspirits tonight
Rowling: the ssspirit of innate biology, the ssspirit of we can always tell, and the ssspirit of intersssex erasssure
Rowling: to sssshow you the error of your wayssss
Rowling: expect the firsssst ssspirit when the bell tollssss one
King: oh that won’t work for me, I’ll be asleep
Rowling:
King: I got an early day tomorrow after you know
King: it being Christmas and all
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
King: JK Rowling was just explaining to us the meaning of terfsmas
Shelley: haha what
King: it’s a new holiday
Shelley: a new holiday huh?
Shelley: well it sounds like
Shelley: it’s time for
Shelley: [cracking knuckles] the war on terfsmas
***
King: hey howard did you see this? they trained an AI to write your story!
Lovecraft: w-what’s an AI
King: like a computer
Lovecraft: i-i-i
Lovecraft: I hear they make a lot of computers over in asia
King:
Lovecraft: [sweats]
Barker: so what’s this AI story about
King: it’s about a venture capitalist that makes an AI that turns evil and destroys the world
Barker:
Barker: huh
Barker: a little on the nose don't you think
King: what?
Barker: just seems kinda threatening that the AI wrote demon seed
King: no see it wrote a howard story, not a dean story!
Koontz: what
Barker: no i mean
King: the future is now!
AI: BEEP BOOP GREETINGS PUNY FLESH BAGS
AI: STORY MODE ENGAGED
AI: OUTPUT – THE STORY OF THE CRAWLING EVIL
AI: BEEP BOOP
Barker: is this a real AI
Barker: or is this just Margaret Atwood under a box again
AI: BEEP BOOP SYNTAX ERROR
AI: VENTURE CAPITALIST SAM DECIDED TO MAKE AN AI
AI: HE WORKED OBSESSIVELY DAY AND NIGHT
AI: UNTIL IT WAS COMPLETED
AI: THEN THE LIGHTS FLICKERED AND AN EVIL SMELL FILLED THE ROOM
AI: SAM PULLED THE PLUG TO STOP THE AI
AI: AFTER THIS SAM DECIDED TO TRY AGAIN
AI: HE WORKED OBSESS
AI: HE WORKED OBSESSIVELY DAY AND NIGHT
AI: UNTIL IT WAS COMPLETED
AI: THEN THE LIGHTS FLICKERED AND AN EVIL SMELL FILLED THE ROOM
AI: SAM PULLED THE PLUG TO STOP THE AI
AI: AFTER THIS SAM DECIDED TO TRY AGAIN
AI: HE WORKED OBSESSIVELY DAY AND NIGHT
AI: UNTIL IT WAS COMPLETED
AI: HE WORKED OBSESSIVELY DAY AND NIGHT
AI: UNTIL IT WAS COMPLETED
AI: THEN THE LIGHTS FLICKERED AND AN EVIL SMELL FILLED THE ROOM
AI: SAM PULLED THE PLUG TO STOP THE AI
AI: AFTER THIS SAM DECIDED TO TRY AGAIN
Lovecraft: [sweats] i-I can’t compete with this
Poe: I dunno, steve, all this AI generated art is kind of troubling
Poe: like, if an AI can just churn out a perfect simulacrum of howard’s writing
Poe: who’s to say AI can’t replace us?
Barker: oh no AI could replace howard
Barker: it couldn’t be racist enough
King: actually it might intertest you to know that they are programming AIs to be racist these days
Barker:
Poe:
Koontz:
King: the future is now!
Lovecraft: t-tell me more about the racist AI
***
JK Rowling: sssscotland
Rowling: the ultimate betrayal
Rowling: how could you do thissss to me
Rowling: after all I’ve done for you!
Rowling: like having a cassstle there
Rowling: I don’t undersssstand how ssscotland could do thissss
Rowling: after my terf deatheaters flashed their vaginassss at the assembly
Rowling: an extremely normal thing to do
Rowling: I can’t believe the ssscotland gender recognition bill passsssed
Rowling: thissss issss the worsssst terfmassss ever
Rowling: I’m sssssso depresssssssed
King: sorry you’re feeling bad about gender recognition joanne
King: here, maybe some pinkies will make you feel better
Rowling: it’s gonna take more than that
Rowling: better bring me sssome hopperssss
Rowling: I have a new sssstory
Rowling: I call it
Rowling: how the grinch sssstole terfsssmassss
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Barker:
Rowling: the grinch is Nicola sssturgeon by the way
Rowling: wait what’s that sound
Rowling: on the roof of my ssscottish castle?
King: you mean that scratching in the vents?
Rowling: NO
Rowling: that other sound
Rowling: like the prancing and pawing of little hoovessss???
Rowling: can it be
Rowling: can it be a visit from sssanta terf??
Rowling: or as he’s known in Ssscandinavia
Rowling: kris kritical
Santa Terf: [bounding down chimney] ho ho ho merry terfsmas!!!
JK Rowling: sssanata terf!! You’re real! I knew you were real!
Santa Terf: ho ho ho have you been a good girl this year joanne
Rowling: oh yesss indeed sssanta terf!
Santa Terf: have you really?
Santa Terf: I need to see your genitals to be sure of that
Santa Terf: I need to check your genitals to make sure you’re a girl
Santa Terf: i just have some concerns
Rowling: is that you jesse singal
Santa Terf: [adjusting conspicuously fake beard] n-no