Happy Saturnalia (and other holidays)
Well, it’s another week gone and the holiday season is upon us. I love Christmas time because I work in customer service. It’s also the time of year that if I complain about Christmas season, my boomer mom (whom I love) will, without fail, brightly say “Well, bah humbug!” as if it’s very very funny. But yes. Yes, exactly. Bah humbug! Well anyway, happy holidays to all who celebrate!
In more exciting news (for me), I’m proud to announce that I’ll have a short story in the upcoming anthology “This World Belongs to Us” from From Beyond Press in May 2023. This is an anthology of insect horror and my story “Honeydew and Cloves” is all about negotiating a business deal with a client who doesn’t think in human terms. Very excited to share that with you all soon!
***
Boy, how about that Elon Musk and JK Rowling? Boy they sure talked a lot this week. Almost like that’s ALL we heard about this week… well, here’s this week’s Midnight Pals:
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: i have big newssss
Rowling: i am sssstarting a womensss ssshelter
Rowling: for real women
Rowling: i'm going to call it
Rowling: azkaban
Rowling: the important thing issss
Rowling: only REAL women can go there
Rowling: and believe me we will make ssssure
Jesse Singal: [snapping on rubber gloves] YES ME HELLO I'LL HELP MAKE SURE
Singal: i mean uh if i gotta
Singal: i'll take one for the team
Singal: i'll help make sure it's only real women! that's where i'm a viking
Rowling: my ssshelter will be open to natal women 16 and older
Singal: 16 and older?
Singal:
Rowling: ssssomething wrong?
Singal: i dunno, suddenly my heart's not all that into genital examination anymore
Rowling: finally! a womensss ssshelter jussst for REAL women!
Rowling: now REAL women won't have to go to shelter that allow the transsss
Rowling: of courssse we're alssso going to keep trying to get those sheltersss shut down too
Rowling: jussst becaussse
Rowling: people asssk me, where are the transsss sssupposed to go then?
Rowling: i mean, are there no prissonss? are there no workhousssesss?
Rowling: hm well actually we don't want them to go there either
Rowling: there are ccemeteriessss however Rowling: they could go there
Rowling: i want to introduce you to the new head of my womenssss shelter
Rowling: the trunchbull
Rhona Hotchkiss: [hitting truncheon against bars] ello ello pipe down you lot oy wot we got ere? coupla trouble makers oy we know how ta handle your kind inna big house oy
Hotchkiss: we ain't gotta haf no gender neutral toilets innis shelter oy
Rowling: sssplendid!
Hotchkiss: we jest havem pissim da sink oy
Rowling:
Rowling: sssplendid!
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh joanne
Poe: you're back
Rowling: yesss we're all very excited for the opening of JK Rowling's Home for Wayward Ssslatternssss
Rowling: but i've brought julie bindel to tell you more
Julie Bindel: EXTRA EXTRA!! JK ROWLING "WORKS HER MAGIC" AGAIN!
Bindel: EXTRA EXTRA!!! JK ROWLING "WAVES HER MAGIC WAND," DISAPPEARS SEXISM WITH NEW VAGINA ONLY LOW-KILL WOMENS SHELTER! IS THERE ANYTHING SHE CAN'T DO???
Rowling: thank you, julie
Bindel: EXTRA EXTRA!! JK ROWLING ABRACADABRAS ACCLAIM FOR SELFLESS ACTS!!
Rowling: thank you julie
Bindel: EXTRA EXTRA!!! JK ROWLING ALAKAZAM HOCUS POCUS MAGIC!!!!
Rowling: ok julie that's enough
Bindel: EXTRA EXTRA
Rowling: i sswear to god julie ssshut up now or i'll put the goddamn tape over your mouth
Rowling: for real thisss time, not jussst for a photo op!
Barker: hey so you're making a shelter just for cis women?
Rowling: yessss
Rowling: my terf death eatersss will carefully ssscreen every applicant
Rowling: to enssure they possssessss
Rowling: a chamber of sssecretssss
Barker:
Barker: ahahahaha
Barker: this is so fuckin dumb
Barker: how you gonna do this
Rowling: we have a ssspecial sssorting hat that you put over your junk and it can tell if you're a woman
Barker:
Barker: does it eat you out
Poe: CLIVE
Barker: whoa whoa edgar let's not talk over women
Barker: let her answer
Rowling: i've got rhona hotchkisssss here to tell you more about my low-kill only vagina shelter
Hotchkiss: oy pipe down you lot!!! oo shut yer gob er i'll turn th' hose on ya!
Barker: up yours screw
Hotchkiss: oy!!!! none o your lip!!!!
Hotchkiss: yer goin' in the hole!!
Hotchkiss: this low kill shelter is gone be great
Hotchkiss: when you pissim da sink you can rest assured
Hotchkiss: there ain't no dicks in the room
Rowling: good becaussse i think that'sss what women are really concerned about when they have to pee in sssinksss
Patricia Highsmith: hmm i hear there's gonna be a shelter that's only dames?
Rowling: yessss
Highsmith: god i couldn't take that
Highsmith: probably just yappin' about feelings all night
Highsmith: but i can think of a better place that's all broads
Highsmith: its the swingingest shindig in the world
Highsmith: even though it's only girls
Highsmith: car-pet par-ty
Highsmith: lotta lotta fun
Highsmith: car-pet par-ty
Highsmith: won't stop til it's done
Highsmith: it'll get you high quicker
Highsmith: than any booze or drug!
Highsmith: so lose the beer and liquor
Highsmith: right there on the rug!
Barker: nice
***
Stephen King: submitted for the
Elon Musk: [popping out of bushes] eyyy stephano king
King: approval of the
Musk: you thinka you so smart, stephano king?
Musk: looka you blue checkmark now
Musk: i think you find
Musk: a little surprise
King: sorry, what's this?
Musk: oh you looka you blue checkmark
Musk: now it say "maybe this guya noteworthy, maybe he not, we donta know!"
King: you don't know?
Musk: no, we hava alla da blue checks, we donta know what they mean!
Musk: boy you sure looka stupido now eh?
Musk: stepheno king, now whosa laughing eh?
Musk: you alla danca to my tune now, eh?
Musk: i amma da puppet master!!
Musk: thatsa why they calla me gepetto!
Musk: stephano king you thinka you so smart
Musk: but i develop alla technology atta tesla to stop you!
Musk: tesla dehydrated bombs
Musk: tesla explosive tennis balls
Musk: tesla jet-propelled unicycle
Musk: no way dese backfire onna me!
Musk: [dumping big pile of Tesla brand earthquake pills in road with 'free birdseed' sign] now we see whosa so smart stephen king!!!
***
Stephen King: what the- did you guys hear that elon banned all the critical reporters from twitter?
Poe: oh yeah i heard something about that
King: well, i think that's just poor sportsmanship
King: why, i think someone needs to have a real sit down chat with this elon musk fella
King: why did he ban the reporters? i thought he supported transparency & free speech
King: there'd BETTER be a real good explanation for this
Poe: steve
King: no no edgar this will work. i use this tone on joe when we need to have a father son talk about his behavior
King: or rather
King: i WOULD use this tone on joe if we ever had to have a father son talk about his behavior
King: of course joe is good as gold so i've never had to do that
Joe Hill: dad no
Grady Hendrix: [flipping sick trick on skateboard] lol little joey two shoes
King: elon, what's with all these bans? I hope you have a good explanation
Elon Musk: eyyy you no lika it? maybe i banna you too, stephano king!
Musk: [pushes plunger on 'Acme Instant Twitter Ban' device, nothing happens]
Musk: when reporters say meana thingsa about me, thatsa dox!
Musk: when people knowa wherea my private jet is, thatsa dox!
Musk: when people go to-a mastodon, thatsa dox!
Musk: but whena paisans ofa tiktok blow uppa hospital, thatsa amore!
King: elon, i'm still waiting on some answers here
Musk: shoulda i answer stephano king? i aska da people inna twitter poll
Musk: tanto scientifico! da result issa legally binding!
Musk: dissa poll counts!
[poll says 100% answer stephen king]
Musk: eyyy dissa poll don't count!
Musk: eyyy stephano king you see whena reporters report onna my business
Musk: it putta my childrens lives inna danger!
Musk: Elon Musk Jr, Beta Epsilon Musk, X Musk, XX, Musk, xXXx Musk, [Highly Pornographic] Musk, [Hillbilly Liquor Jug] Musk, He2s²2p¹ Musk...
Musk: Cadillac Myspace Musk, Pickle Rick Musk, Rare Pepe Musk, 14 Word Musk, Δ λ/ λ=v/c Musk, [Alchemical Symbol for Mercury] Musk...
Musk: anna many more! i forgetta da rest
King: don't you also have a trans daughter?
Musk: oh datta one? datta one can be in danger, i donta mind
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh hey
Barker: oh damn its joanne
Barker: wow thats great
Barker: between this and steve's musk feud, we haven't done a single actual horror thing all week
Barker: haha great for the brand
Barker: top notch work here
Rowling: now you know me
Rowling: i have alwaysss proudly fought againsssst transss rightsss
Rowling: but now apparently the transsss don't want to buy my bookssss anymore?! Rowling:
Rowling: i jusssst don't underssstand
Barker: you don't think there might be a connection there huh
Rowling: no
Barker: hmm interesting
Barker: maybe think a little harder
Barker: i know having a dorsal ventricular ridge in the telencephalon makes that hard, but really try
Rowling: ssso jessiegender doesssnt like my booksss anymore huh???
Rowling: thinksss she can just... NOT BUY my bookssss?!?!
Rowling: thinksss ssshe'sss gonna mouth off on twitter huh?
Rowling: i constricted graham norton for lesssss
Rowling: if these people hate me sssso much, why, they should also burn anything with an owl on it
Poe:
King:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Barker: so you uh invented owls huh
Rowling: yessss i did
Rowling: if these people hate me sssso much, why, they should also burn their pet dogs
Poe: whoa whoa whoa don't say that in front of dean
Koontz: why would you burn a dog D:
Koontz: why would you say that D:
Barker: yeah joanne
Barker: why WOULD you say that
Rowling: well it'sss jussst that
Rowling: i invented dogsss
Barker: no you didn't
Barker: everyone knows that dogs were already a staple of pre-existing folklore and fantasy literature
Barker:
Barker: and also they just like
Barker: exist in real life
Barker: also what the fuck
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have reccceived a horrifying visssion of a dyssstopian future
Rowling: a future where harry potter is outlawed
Barker: oh yeah i guess that would be horrifying
Barker: for you
Rowling:
Rowling: i'm not talking to you
Rowling: anyway
Rowling: a horrifying future where harry potter is outlawed
Rowling: a dyssstopian police ssstate hell where you can be arressssted ssssimply for wearing Hufflepuff sssockssss
Barker: hey I thought Hufflepuff were the losers
Barker: why would anyone be wearing Hufflepuff socks
Rowling:
Barker: Stephen you’re a nerd
Barker: explain this to me
King: well see wizards come in four kinds-
Rowling: why are you asssking him? I wrote the book!
Barker: yeah but you clearly don’t remember your own canon
King: griffindor is the brave ones, ravenclaw is the smart ones, slytherin is evil and Hufflepuff is leftovers
Barker: so why would anyone choose THOSE socks
Barker: unless
Barker: joanne are you implying in this dystopian future there’s a caste system in which undesirables are made to wear Hufflepuff insignia
Rowling: no I
Rowling: oh wait that’sss a good idea
Rowling: the important thing is in the future you could be killed for wearing Hufflepuff sssocksss
Rowling: ssso it’ssss important that we get the transsss now
Rowling: before they get usssss
Rowling: for our ssssocksssss
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Rowling: also we need to kill dogssss
Barker: yeah lets discuss this sudden dog killing kick
Rowling: a person on the internet sssaid she wouldn’t buy my new booksss and that’s basically the sssame thing as killing a dog
Barker: who said it, that star trek woman?
Barker: is that what this is about? Are you mad about star trek?
Rowling: no I am not mad about sssstar trek
Barker: is it because diane duane wrote all those novelizations?
Rowling: I AM NOT MAD ABOUT
Rowling: ABOUT
Rowling: YOU KNOW WHO
Rowling: ssssssssssss