Doorstopper General
Hey all, been an exciting week here at the Burrow! As you may remember, I'm working on starting a Midnight Pals audio podcast with my good friend Robin Johnson. We've got enough scripts for a first season, so we’re finally moving ahead with some voice casting! If you’re interested in that, you can check out our post on Casting Call Club for more info! Otherwise, I’ll have more info as we go forward.
Ok here’s some Midnight Pals!
***
[unicorn fuck club]
Brandon Sanderson: so I’ve got a story
Sanderson: I call it the tale of cosmere universe
Sanderson: it’s kind of long, so you should all probably go to the bathroom first
Sanderson: so here’s what you have to know about the cosmere universe
Sanderson: it’s got a hard magic system
Sanderson: you have to spend 8 points of manna to cast magic missile
Sanderson: but only if you get +2 on your saving dexterity roll
Sanderson: and if there’s a level 3 cleric or above in your party, they can roll to assist
Alan Moore: [appearing in a flash of thunder] greetings mortals
Sanderson: um excuse me sir
Sanderson: you cannot just appear like that
Sanderson: by the rules of magic, you have to first roll a +8 in spell casting OR shadow weaving
Moore: foolish imp, my magic cannot be contained!
Moore: your earthly laws cannot bind my powers
Moore: for magic knows no rules
Moore: only vibes
Sanderson: UM
Sanderson: that’s NOT the way it works
Sanderson: there are RULES, you know
Sanderson: three of them
Clive Barker: damn I’m surprised you had time to come up with three whole rules what with all those doorstoppers you write
Sanderson: well there was going to be a fourth but I ran out of time
Sanderson:
Sanderson: why are you
Barker: yeah I’m here sometimes
Barker: I wrote abarat, that counts
Sanderson: the cosmere universe has 8 realms: sun, moon, flesh, ether, dirt, water, fire, heart
Sanderson: and each realm has 12 singularities, called perpetuities
Sanderson: each of those perpetuities are endowed with the essence of the create-o-sphere
Sanderson: that’s the cosmic pangea that split to make the 4 orbs of knowing
Sanderson: see, what you have to understand in that the universe has chaos AND order
Sanderson: like, balances of them
Sanderson: also another important thing
Sanderson: whenever anyone feels an emotion, like a little sprite representing that emotion appears and dances around for a bit
Sanderson: but don’t worry
Sanderson: you don’t need to know any of that to understand the story
Barker: wow that’s interesting
Barker: so I hear you hate gay people, what’s up with that
Barker:
Barker: oh sorry usually about this time edgar would intervene
Barker: haha damn I’m not used to working alone
Barker: so I heard you hate gay people
Sanderson: haha no no you got it all wrong
Sanderson: I don’t personally hate gay people
Sanderson: I simply support an institution that wants to kill them
Sanderson: I think they’re neat
Sanderson: if it were up to me, they wouldn’t be exterminated at all
Sanderson: but jeez, guys, who am I to tell the Mormon church it’s wrong?
Sanderson: I really don’t have any choice here other than to keep tithing them millions of dollars
Sanderson: I guess I gotta just hope they don’t use all that money for anything bad
Sanderson: but my hands are tied
Orson Scott Card: oh yeah totally very relatable
Barker: haha that sucks, man
Sanderson: whoa whoa whoa
Sanderson: look, I know you all think I’m some sort of bogeyman for giving millions of dollars to a church that wants to kill queer people
Sanderson: but consider this
Sanderson: I wrote Lord Orebor Twylbyll in The Shroud of Steel and Ivory to be gray ace
Sanderson: so really I think that balances everything out
Barker:
Barker: haha
Barker: that still sucks man
***
Brandon Sanderson: well I’m off to my day job
Sanderson: teaching creative writing at brigham young university
Barker: oh yeah? Is that the case?
Barker: I thought Mormons were against D&D
Sanderson:
Sanderson:
Sanderson: I don’t just write D&D
Barker: how many saving rolls do you have to throw when you write
Sanderson: i
Sanderson:
Sanderson: [sprite representing physical embodiment of ‘annoyance’ appears and dances around]
Barker: ha ha!
Barker: gotta roll +5 to cast blad barrier ha ha
Barker: oh no watch out! A beholder ha ha ha
Barker: ha
Barker:
Barker: sigh it’s just not the same
Poe: [running into scene] I’m here! I’m here!
Poe: I was just running late
Poe: there was an incident with
Poe: a raven and
Poe: the important thing is I made it
Poe: and CLIVE
Barker: there we go
Sanderson: everyone says I’m a bad ally for teaching creative writing at BYU
Sanderson: but
Sanderson: maybe I’m bringing them down from the inside
Sanderson: have you considered that?
Barker: how are you doing that
Barker: are you assigning the students to read your books
Sanderson:
Brandon Sanderson: look, what do you want for me?
Sanderson: am I supposed to just STOP giving money to my homophobic church?
Barker: yes
Sanderson: just turn my back on my faith?
Barker: yes
Sanderson: and just what am I supposed to do with all that money? Just keep it?
Barker: yes
Sanderson: oh yeah right “just keep the money!” yeah right man!
Sanderson: wait a second
Sanderson: could i…
Sanderson:
Sanderson: oh ho ho!
Sanderson: delightfully devilish, brandon
Sanderson: no no I couldn’t
Sanderson: I’m sorry but if I did that
Sanderson: I wouldn’t get into the good heaven
Brandon Sanderson: okay but consider this
Sanderson: before you get mad
Sanderson: Lord Bryll Obberglob in A Throne of Mist and Stones is actually a sapiosexual demigirl
Sanderson: and Ordon Gibbernash in A Mist of Stones and Thrones is actually a xie/xer otherkin
Sanderson: and Jibbish Glordon in A Stone of Thrones and Mist is actually bipan aro-ace femboy
Sanderson: Now THAT’S what I call allyship!
***
Lovecraft: h-hey guys do you want to see my newsletter
Barker: you uh
Barker: you wrote a newsletter?
Barker: whats it called?
Lovecraft: t-the conservative
Barker:
Barker: ah ha ha ha
August Derleth: STOP IT, HOWARD IS ONLY AS RACIST AS THE AVERAGE MAN OF HIS DAY!!
Derleth: look before you start making assumptions
Derleth: you gotta understand that howard's 'conservatism' bears little resemblance to how we understand the term today
Derleth: see, for howard, it's about cultural revival
Barker: oh my god haha
Barker: he's a fuckin retvrn guy
Derleth: no! howard's using the term 'conservative' differently than how we use it today!
Lovecraft: i-i just think we need to protect our precious anglo saxon values against the onslaught of saracens, tinkers, and other mud races
Barker: seems pretty similar to me
Barker: do you have anything in your newsletter that's not racist
Derleth: clive
Barker: oh no no no
Barker: you're not edgar
Barker: you don't get to say that
Barker: so
Barker: anything not racist in your newsletter
Lovecraft: i
Lovecraft: i-i have a review of TS Eliot's the wasteland
Barker: oh yeah? what'd you think?
Lovecraft: it sucks
Lovecraft: i-in fact i penned this little spoof of the wasteland
Lovecraft: called waste paper
Lovecraft: i-it's droll
Barker: is it racist
Lovecraft: i mean, a little
Lovecraft: just as a treat
TS Eliot: March is the cruelest month
Eliot: always wet, always rainy
Eliot: i have three chairs in my kitchen
Eliot: and one more in the attic
Eliot: for there is silver in your smile
Eliot: and gold in them thar hills
Eliot: Fahrvergnügen! Kartoffelsalat!
Lovecraft: ughhhhh
Tom Monteleone: well howard you gonna publish any straight white men in your newsletter?
Monteleone: i bet you won't
Monteleone: it's just not [air quotes] fashionable [air quotes] anymore innit
Lovecraft: i-i will!
Lovecraft: i will put straight white men it, see if i don't!
Monteleone: look at you lot, giving non white male writers a chance... like a bunch of PC cowards!
Moneteone: you know what's real bravery? publishing white writers
Moneteone: now THAT'S punk rock
***
TS Eliot: Let's go now
Eliot: to the kitchens and the sculleries
Eliot: where bus boys put plates in sinks
Eliot: people wear more hats these days
Eliot: have you ever noticed there's more clouds these days
Eliot: where's the fire
Eliot: in your beautiful blue eyes, officer
Eliot: doctor doctor mister em dee
Eliot: how much wood could a wood chuck chuck
Eliot: is everyone having more sex than me
Eliot: the beaches have waves
Eliot: like emerald ivy
Eliot: is it time? is it now?
Lovecraft: BOOOOO
Lovecraft: get better material!
TS Eliot: i i i
TS Eliot: [sweating, hastily thumbing through cue cards that read 'more rambling nonsense']
Eliot: shall i put my hair behind? shall i dare to eat a peach?
Lovecraft: BOOOOOOO
Lovecraft: t-this is terrible you guys!
Lovecraft: i don't want to hear a guy mooning over ethnic food!
Lovecraft: i want real poetry!
Eliot: you don't like that? well how about this, i got another poem called the wasteland
Lovecraft: BOOO
Eliot: or maybe the love song of
Lovecraft: BOOOO
Eliot: [sweats] it's ok it's ok i got a million of em
Eliot: or maybe the hollow men
Lovecraft: g-get off the stage, hack!
King: jeez howard you're being kinda harsh there
Lovecraft: i-i detest modernism!!
Eliot: [sweating] i i i
Eliot: i just got one more poem
Lovecraft: BOOOOOOO!
Eliot: it's about cats
Lovecraft: BOOO- wait
***
Franz Kafka: hey everyone
Kafka: I guess I’ll tell a
Kafka:
Kafka: [world weary sigh]
Kafka: I’m sorry I’ve just been
Kafka: so depressed
Kafka: what’s the point of anything
Kafka: the world is an unfeeling labyrinth of nonsensical rules constraining us at every turn
King: gee franz it’s not so bleak as all that
Kafka: and also I’m ugly
King: now that just isn’t true
King: how can you say you’re ugly, franz?
King: you’re a good looking guy
Kafka: I’m hideous
Kafka: no one look at me
Kafka: I’m just a big gross cockroach with big gross cockroach body
Kafka: someone should squash me
Kafka: I suck
King: I don’t understand franz
King: you’re a good looking guy and all the ladies love you
King: how can you say these things about yourself?
Kafka: [puts on hoodie]
Poe: wait a second
Poe: I think I understand what’s happening
King: what?
Barker: I’m gonna say it
Poe: no clive don’t
Poe: clive you can’t just
King: what’s happening?
Poe: you need to let franz work this out
Barker: no I’m gonna say it
King: guys what are we talking about
Barker: hey franz I hear you’re depressed
Barker: well here’s a question for you
Kafka: [wearing hoodie] yeah
Barker: you ever think about what if you were a girl
Kafka:
Kafka: what
Kafka: WHAT
Kafka: OH MY GOD WHY WOULD YOU
Kafka: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT
Kafka: OH MY GOD
Barker: haha you’re welcome
Poe: clive this isn’t funny
Kafka: OH MY GOD
Poe: clive did you really have to start this
Barker: what?
Barker: franz gets to have an existential crisis
Barker: which will be pretty funny
Barker: and joanne is gonna get to be really really mad
Barker: which will be HILARIOUS
Barker: really, I see this as win win
Poe: for you, maybe