Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 54
Hey this is Bitter Karella, Internet bon vivant, and this is Bitter Karella’s Fresh Hot Slurry with all the news that’s fit to be extruded.
So apparently it’s the time of year when you’re supposed to list all your AWARD-ELIGIBLE STORIES. I’m still new to the whole idea of being a writer, so I guess I’ll go along with the crowd and do that! It looks like award eligible stories just means “stories published this year,” so here’s what I got. Why not check ‘em out? Or, I don’t know, purchase the books that they’re in? You should probably do that, they’re good books.
They’ll Find You and They’ll Kill You (The Old Ways, Eerie River Publishing, March 2023). A tale of pseudo-Appalachian folk horror about a simple hog farmer whose arranged marriage goes sour and now he’s on the run from his murderous in-laws and their specially inbred dogs.
A Brief History of the Santa Carcossa Archipelago (Bound in Flesh: An Anthology of Trans Body Horror, Ghoulish Books, April 2023). A girl with a unique way of reproducing gets hungry. Deep sea fish sex and body horror!
Honeydew and Cloves (This World Belongs to Us: An Anthology of Horror Stories about Bugs, From Beyond Press, Spring 2023). Kemal is sent to negotiate a contract with a giant grub, living in a town populated by enormous insects. It’s VERY Naked Lunch.
Mukbang (Mouthfeel #1, September 2023). A girl who drinks way too much Gamer fuel. Ooey gooey body horror!
Big Flo’s All-American Roadkill Diner & Last Chance Bar and Grill Truck Stop for Normal Human Motorists (Weird Waypoints, August 2023). The Zagat review for a restaurant that only exists in the liminal spaces between.
Toadstools (Bark & Bone, Space Cat Press, October 2023). A mushroom poacher gets lost in the deep woods and realizes that he’s not alone.
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The newest episode of Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is up: It’s The Tale of Dracula! Neurotic closet-dweller Bram Stoker visits the campfire to tell his iconic vampire story. In Transylvania, hot twink Jon "Jonathan" Harker shacks up with a rich older man who wants to consume his bodily fluids. Meanwhile in England, notorious strumpet Lucy Westenra attempts to ensnare her innocent friend Mina into the dangerous and disgusting world of sex. A cautionary tale about the perils of horniness, as Bram attempts to prove once and for all that vampires are in no way sexy. Mary Shelley invites Anne Rice and Stephenie Meyer just to stir the pot.
In other news, Ethan and I finally looked at Garfield: The Movie (2004) on A Special Presentation or Alf Will Not be Seen tonight. The fat orange cat finally got his big screen debut in 2004 with Garfield: the Movie, the culmination of Jim Davis' long-time dream to see Garfield in theaters. Was it everything that it was cracked up to be? Why on earth did they CG Garfield but not Odie? We answer the big questions as we try to wrap our heads around the dumbest studio decision in film history.
And in OTHER other news, I appeared on Have You Seen This? this week to discuss the Carry On films, a series of bawdy British films throughout the 60s and 70s about leathery old dudes saying “Cheeky!” and making faces when a girl’s top comes off, with Tim and Jennifer. Cor! Blimey! Phwoaaar!
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Here’s this week’s Midnight Pals!
Harlan Ellison: listen up you chucklefucks
Ellison: it only happens once in a lifetime that an author emerges fully formed like athena from the forehead of zeus
Ellison: tonight you are going to hear from such an author
Ellison: a bold new truth teller who will put you all to shame
Ellison: a man named
Ellison: piers anthony
Ellison: that's right, piers anthony
Ellison: when you hear this story, it's gonna blow your tiny little peanut minds
King:
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Barker:
Barker: so
Poe: no no clive
Poe: just no
Piers Anthony: ok guys you're gonna really love this story
Anthony: just let me top off the tank first
Anthony: [huffing a pair of panties like dennis hopper huffing ether in Blue Velvet]
Anthony: ok so there's this earth where a disease has contaminated all the animals
Anthony: so people gotta turn to human lifestock
Agustina Bazterrica: yes yes
Anthony: for milk
Bazterrica:
Bazterrica: oh yeah i guess you could do that
Bazterrica: do they use human livestock for meat too
Anthony: what? why would you think about that
Bazterrica: it just seems the logical extension to the premise
Anthony:
Anthony: i guess
Anthony: now if there was human lifestock, it would be pretty messed up to have sex with them right
Bazterrica: yeah that would surely be a huge taboo
Anthony: messed up
Anthony: but also
Anthony: very very interesting
Anthony: so this guy is a milk inspector and his job is to inspect milk production in different dimensions
Anthony: you know, to make sure that nothing unethical is happening
Anthony: cuz we wouldn't want to do business with unethical people
Anthony: we have really high ethical standards here about that
Anthony: so he goes to the dimension where there's no animals
Anthony: BUT
Anthony: everyone's drinking milk
Anthony: they LOVE it
Anthony: it's like a huge thing
Anthony: and this guy is all "wow, how strange"
Anthony: "i wonder where all the milk is coming from"
Koontz: i know! i know the answer!
Anthony: no you don't dean, sit down
Anthony: so everyone loves milk
Anthony: and there's all these barns everywhere
Anthony: where they produce milk
Anthony: but what animal is making the milk? that's the question
Anthony: the answer is man
Anthony: the most dangerous milk of all
Anthony: so they got these human livestock women
Anthony: with big milky boobies
Anthony: and the milk inspector is all "gosh, if i go into the barn, i might see a naked girl"
Edward Lee: i like this guy
Lee: highly relatable character
Lee: bro
Lee: bro how big are the tits
Anthony: oh they're real big
Anthony: like
Anthony: like big ol' melons
Lee:
Anthony: something wrong?
Lee: no bro
Lee: i mean
Lee: i mean i guess that's pretty big
Anthony: it makes you think, tho
Anthony: is the way we treat animals any better than the way these farmers treat their big mommy milker hucows
Bazterrica: do they eat the livestock people
Anthony: yeah i'm not getting into that
Bazterrica: but
Anthony: big mommy milker hucows
Anthony: [pantomiming] big mommy milkers
Ellison: goddamn
Ellison: you assholes hear all that?
Ellison: like the goddamn shakespeare of our time
***
Seann Barbour: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the day that kept repeating
Stephen King: oh! like groundhog day?
Barbour: except that everyone also becomes a murder pyscho
King:
King: oh that's not like groundhog day
Barbour: no it's not like groundhog day at all is it steve???
Barbour: so everyone is turning into murder psychos
Barbour: it's kind of a real problem
Barbour: but this one guy, every time he dies
Barbour: he starts the day all over again
Barbour: which would be kind of great
King: except for the
Barbour: yeah except for the murder psychos
King: wow! so this guy has to get the day to stop repeating?
Barbour: no he's kind of more concerned with stopping the murder epidemic
Poe: how did they stop it in groundhog day?
King: uhhh beats me, did bill murray kill the groundhog or something
Poe: no no that wasn't it
Koontz: i think it had something to do with the power of friendship actually
Poe: that
Poe: that might be it
Barker: you guys, you're all wrong
Barker: he stopped it by fucking andie macdowell
Barker: she was really big in the early 90s
Barker: i mean, if you needed someone to play "girl" in a film, bam, she's your gal
Barbour: so this guy has to figure out what's making everyone into a psycho
Barbour: the first question -- should he try to find supplies or get out of town?
Barbour: let's poll the audience
King: supplies!
Poe: yeah that sounds good
Barbour: ok so he's gonna look for supplies
Barbour: ah no! turns out that just got him killed!
Barbour: play again?
Barbour: so he wakes up again and finds the day has started over
King: ok well i'm not gonna make the same mistake
King: this time he should try to get out of town
Barbour: ok should he go west or east
King: he should
King:
King: uhhh
Barbour: take your time
***
Stephen King: submitted for the
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyyyy stephano king!
Musk: itsa me, elon musk!
Barker: ohh steve your best pal is here
King: we're not pals
Musk: stephano king!!! how you canna say dat
Musk: alla da people onna da twitter, they no lika me!
Musk: i don't-a get it!
Musk: i clogga da feed witha spam anna nazis!
Musk: i posta old meme!
Musk: i maka dem pay $8!
Musk: by my-a calculations, i shoulda be REAL popular now!
Musk: [praying to shrine] mama mia santa lowtax
Musk: i do everything you do!
Musk: but da people, why they lika you but they no lika me??
Musk: [placing mangosteen on altar] answer my prayers santa lowtax
Musk: santa lowtax, i charge people to post onna internet justa like you
Musk: santa lowtax, i bea da bad father justa like you
Musk: santa lowtax, i posta da funny memes justa like you
Musk: my meme game issa strong, santa lowtax!
Musk: saya my meme game issa strong!!!
Musk: santa lowtax give-a me a sign
Musk: thata my meme game issa strong!!
Musk: tella me that i ama real funny!
Musk: you remember that time i a-bringa a sink inna da twitter office?
Musk: i hada real big hit back inna italty with thata one
Musk: santa lowtax why people say ima notta funny?
Musk: i ama very funny guy! i willa make people laugh!
Musk: i willa make people laugh iffa i have to die trying!
[meanwhile]
Poe: i heard elon musk locked himself in a bathroom and had a tantrum
Barker: haha now THAT'S funny!
***
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Poe: oh hi mary
Poe: you're just in time
Poe: washington irving's telling a story tonight
Shelley: w
Shelley: washington irving?
Poe: yeah
Poe: something wrong?
Shelley: [blushing furiously] n-no
Washington Irving: [lighting pipe] ba ba ba ba boo
Irving: hey old man good to see you
Irving: hope you're all enjoying this little shindig
Irving: now let the ol' groaner take a whirl with a story
Irving: submitted for the approval of the midnight society
Irving: i call this the tale of the headless horseman
Irving: ba ba ba ba boo
Mary Shelley: hi irvine
Irving: ahh it's ol' Mary Shelley
Irving: nice to see ya, old man
Shelley: did you
Shelley: did you get my letter
Irving: [lighting pipe] ba ba ba ba booo
Irving: ba ba ba ba boo
Irving: let the ol' groaner give out a helping of that new american jive
Irving: the legend of sleepy hollow to be exact, so make it mella, fella
Shelley: hiiii irvine
Irving: give me some space, son, you're bothering me
Shelley:
Shelley: o-ok
Lovecraft: w-what's wrong? ain't you gonna shiv him?
Shelley: shut up howard
Lovecraft: well it's just that usually when someone gives you the brush off
Shelley: no one gave me the brush off
Lovecraft: washington irving just-
Shelley: [shivving lovecraft] NO ONE GAVE ME THE BRUSH OFF
King: what's with mary tonight? she's acting real strange
Poe: oh she likes washington
Shelley: s-shut up
Shelley: shut up all of you
Shelley: I'll shiv each and every one of you if you don't shut up!
Poe: it's kind of cute
King: oh yeah, young love
Washington Irving: clip clip and a clippetty clop
Irving: he's out lookin' for a head to swap
Irving: so don't try to figure out a plan
Irving: you can't reason with a headless man!
Shelley: god he's so fucking hot