Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 52
Happy Halloween! By the time you see this letter, the very first episode of the new Midnight Pals podcast should be available for listening! I hope that you’ll take a, well, a listen. It’s about Frankenstein! I think you’ll enjoy it. But why not ALSO listen to the last of our teaser trailers, this one featuring Bram Stoker, cuz it’ll get you hyped for our upcoming Dracula episode?
***
As you read this, I’ve been shadowbanned from Twitter for over a week now with no end in sight. Elon either didn’t like me making fun of Sinfest or posting in support of Palestine, even though I was correct on both counts. In any case, I suppose it’s for the best. Twitter is a sad shell of what it once was, crawling with nazis and terfs, every post buried by the new nazi-and-terf-coddling algorithm and the only replies are Onlyfans spambots. Add to that the downright insulting insistence by Elon that the only way to solve these problems that never existed before he himself broke everything is to charge ever user an annual fee… “That’s the only way to get rid of the spambots!” he keeps saying, while spambots with paid blue checks reply to his posts. Even so, I wouldn’t be where I am now without Twitter and it’s sad to leave. But I guess there’s not much point in being there anymore, seeing as not even my friends can see my posts anymore. Well. Midnight Pals is still viewable on Twitter, but I’m definitely way less enthusiastic about letting Elon profit from my free jokey japes knowing how little he wants me on his platform. This is a real downer, not gonna lie!
Just a reminder, Midnight Pals is also at
Tumblr: bitterkarella
bluesky: midnightpals
Patreon: bitterkarella
mastadon: bitterkarella@sfba.social
and, of course, right here on Substack!
And if you want to find my personal accounts, I’m just bitterkarella wherever fine posts are made.
Here’s some Midnight Pals!
***
Ray Bradbury: gone too soon!
Bradbury: the lazy summer afternoons picking dandelions by miller's pond forgotten, buried under an avalanche of adult responsibilities. No time for jump rope or blind man's bluff, there's a new game they play - a game of bills and forms and gray-faced men in suits.
Bradbury: ah! but tonight!
Bradbury: tonight
Bradbury: tonight will be
Bradbury: a game of magic
Bradbury: tonight, dear reader, they put aside their forms and licenses and dreary paperwork
Bradbury: and journey back to a time when this big big world still had a lot of small small towns
Bradbury: for tonight and tonight alone
Bradbury: remember the magic!
Bradbury: the magic of
Bradbury: halloween!!!
[Midnight Pals presents a special holiday event: Ray Bradbury's Halloween Factory]
King: [wearing clown costume] hey guys, welcome to our halloween party!
King: great costumes!
King: love your monkey costume, edgar
Poe: [muffled inside gorilla suit] it's an ape
Poe: [muffled inside gorilla suit] like in the murders in the rue morgue
Barker: great monkey suit edgar! real scary!
King: and boy clive
King: you really went all out on that cenobite costume
King: you put that together just for halloween?
Barker: uh no
Barker: not really
King: and frank! wow, that is an amazing wolf man costume
King: you put that together just for halloween?
Frank Belknap Long: uh no
Long: not really
King: but one thing i don't understand
King: why are you wearing pants with a full body fursuit?
Long: no
Long: no reason
King: and howard!
King: howard
King: wow howard
Lovecraft: you said i should come in costume
King: yeah but
King: howard
Lovecraft: i dressed as the scariest thing i could think of
King: yeah but
King: oof
King: howard
King: dean! great costume
Dean Koontz: i'm a dog!
King: yup! you sure are!
Koontz: i borrowed the collar from clive
King: you sure did!
King: and there she is! the queen witch herself!
King: our mary shelley!
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
King: dressed as frankenstein's monster i see
Shelley: i'm dressed as frankenstein
King:
King: but mary
Shelley: [flipping switchblade]
King: oh yeah! mary's here as frankenstein!
***
[at Stephen King's halloween party]
Dean Koontz: hey guys! wow! thanks for letting me come to your party!
Barker: oh man you let dean come?
Barker: great, that's just great
Poe: now clive be nice
Barker: edgar he's going to cramp our style
Poe: it'll be fine clive
Koontz: hey whats this bottle for
Barker: its for spinning
Koontz: ohhhh
Koontz:
Koontz: why?
Barker: you see edgar?? you SEE???
Koontz: gosh guys do ever wonder how the great pumpkin delivers all those toys in just one night
Barker: oh my god
Barker: i am dying here
Poe: clive be nice
Barker: i told you he's not mature enough for halloween parties
Poe: look just play along
Poe: steve's mom made him invite him
Koontz: hey why are people pairing off in the closet?
Barker: ugh dean! you're such a pain!
Barker: god, i wish i knew the magic words to make the king of the goblins come take you away
Barker: cuz really
Barker: i am done with this
Koontz: [bursts into tears, runs off]
Poe: oh clive now look what you've done
Barker: oh he'll be fine
Barker: a little crying is good for a kid
Barker: it builds character
Barker: i have nothing to apologize for
Barker: i am not feeling guilty!! at all!!!
Ray Bradbury: Dean Koontz! Why, they say that the day dean koontz was born all the soda bottles overfizzed their caps and all the baseball home teams slid right over home plate! the stars twinkled brighter and the sun shone warmer, all the gap-toothed little girls in pigtails smiled the sweeter
Bradbury: eyes so bright like the stars in sky above glimpsed on a warm july evening, mosquitoes buzzing in your ear, but you don't mind, no sir, you don't mind cuz becky thatcher with the ice cream smile is right there at your side
Barker: ray we can all hear you
Barker:
Barker: what are you doing
Bradbury: you! cenobite! ape! clown! italian!
Bradbury: you don't know what you've done
Bradbury: your dean koontz, your precious bean of a boy, dean kootz
Bradbury: snatched away before his time
Bradbury: like the ripe red apples of so many summer memories
King: wait, what are you saying?
King: is dean in trouble?
Bradbury: in trouble! like old man mcgillicutty's corner drug store threatened by the ravenous beast of time, swallowed by the smoke-belching demons of so-called progress
Bradbury:... a gleaming future of immaculate steel and glass pushed by gray-faced men in suits who don't remember the kiss of childhood
King:
King: so
King: uh
King: is dean in trouble?
***
Bradbury: you! ape! clown! cenobite! frankenstein! wolf man! italian!
Bradbury: why do you wear those costumes?
King: well, it's halloween, ray, you see-
Bradbury: no YOU do not see
Bradbury: do not see the magic, the mystery, the wonder
Bradbury: of halloween!
Bradbury: the calendar has many days but only one halloween!
Bradbury: can it be that you've forgotten? forgotten the magic?
King: ray, what are you talking about
Bradbury: he's forgotten! forgotten!
Bradbury: you! clown! do you know why you dress like that?
King: ah well, see, for halloween i thought i would be my own original character and
Bradbury: cenobite! do you know why you dress like that?
Barker: cuz it's fucking hot
Bradbury: and you! italian! why do you wear those colors?
Lovecraft: u-uh well the green represents pesto and the white is parmesan and the red
Bradbury: none of you know! none of you know!
Poe: ray what are you talking about
Bradbury: none of you know
Bradbury the true meaning of halloween!
Bradbury: but tonight
Bradbury: oh my friends
Bradbury: tonight you will learn
Bradbury: for learning the true meaning of halloween
Bradbury: is the only way to save your friend
Bradbury: for learning the true meaning of halloween
Bradbury: is the only way to save your friend
King: dean! what happened to dean?
King: was it those bullies from clarion west?
King: i swear, if they harm one hair on dean's head--!
Bradbury: no, clown, it is not clarion west behind it this time
Bradbury: your dean was whisked away by
Bradbury: by
Bradbury: look the important thing is you're all gonna learn the haunted history of halloween tonight
Lisa Morton: but i already know-
Bradbury: NO YOU DON'T
Lisa Morton: see, halloween actually began as the pagan harvest festival of samhain-
Bradbury: NO it began as a celebration of childhood whimsy and freckle-faced mischief!
Bradbury: your history has no place here!
Bradbury: come! come with me!
Bradbury: we'll return to the beginning!
Bradbury: to the very first halloween!
King: you can't mean-
Bradbury: that's right!
Bradbury: back 2000 years!
Bradbury: to a little manger in bethlehem
Bradbury: to witness the birth of dracula!
***
King: after witnessing the virgin birth of dracula i sure feel like i got the halloween spirit
Debbie Dadey: [pushing glasses up bridge of nose] actually
Dadey: for your information, sir, there's no proof that was really dracula
Marcia Jones: indubitably my good sir
King: what are you talking about? he performed all the dracula miracles!
King: he walked on water! he turned into a bat!
King: renfield even denied him THREE times before the cock crowed!
Dadey: [snort laugh] a common fallacy
Dadey: but you see
Dadey: dracula
Dadey: doesn't drink lemonade
King:
King: yeah that part did seem kinda weird
Bradbury: ah yes you've got the spirit now, boy, but the night is far from over
Bradbury: have you ever wondered
Bradbury: why we carve jack-o-lanterns on halloween?
Bradbury: journey with me!
Bradbury: back! back 5000 years!
Bradbury: to ancient egypt!
Bradbury: and the very first jack-o'-lanterns!
Bradbury: behold! the first jack-o'-lanterns!
Bradbury: 400 feet high, made of 5 million tons of limestone!
Bradbury: built to house the sarcophagus of the great pharaoh Ramses XXIII himself!
Debbie Dadley: [pushing glasses up bridge of nose] actually
Dadley: your information, sir, is highly dubious
Bradbury: quick! ape! clown! cennobite!
Bradbury: have you ever wondered
Bradbury: why we have skeletons on halloween
Barker: no
Bradbury: quick! journey with me!
Bradbury: back to ancient mexico! 6000 years ago!
Bradbury: where skeletons were first invented!
Bradbury: quick! ape! clown! cennobite!
Bradbury: have you ever wondered
Bradbury: why we get candy on halloween
Bradbury: quick! journey with me!
Bradbury: back to the fabulous hanging candy gardens of ancient babylon!
Bradbury: 8000 years ago!
Bradbury: quick! ape! clown! cennobite!
Bradbury: have you ever wondered
Bradbury: why we have those giant lawn skeletons on halloween?
Poe: how does this help us find dean?
Bradbury: quick! journey with me!
Bradbury: back to home depot! 10,000 years ago!
Bradbury: quick! ape! clown! cennobite!
Bradbury: have you ever wondered
Bradbury: why we put razorblades in apples on halloween?
Bradbury: quick! journey with me!
Bradbury: back to the druids of stone henge! 50 million years ago!
Bradbury: and now you know
Bradbury: the reason for the season
King: boy that was a night
King: but that still didn't help us find dean!
Bradbury: didn't it?
Dean Koontz: hi guys
All: DEAN!?
King: Dean Koontz! where were you all night? we were worried sick
Koontz: Aleister Crowley let me come with him when he went egging houses
Lovecraft: [rushing in] g-guys i just heard someone egged my house!
Koontz: i'm sorry i ran away
Barker: no no I'M sorry dean, i shouldn't have yelled at you
King: well i feel like we all learned something tonight
Poe: what's that?
King: HALLOWEEN RULES! [freeze frame as everyone jumps in the air to high five]
***
Stephen King: you guys, have you read the new JK Rowling book?
King: this cormorant strike is just incredible stuff!
King: it's amazing that she still finds time to write!
King: since she's probably busy with other stuff
King: i really haven't checked
King: not really sure what she's doing when she's not writing cormorant strike
King: probably normal writer things
King: luckily, i don't need to worry about that!
King: when i read cormorant strike, it's like i'm reading harry potter again!
Poe: ah yes steve, you did like harry potter
King: i LOVE harry potter!
King: harry potter made my mid-life magical!
King: i mean it's like harry potter, sorta of
King: if you think about it
Poe: steve
King: i mean if harry potter was a detective with really bad gas
Poe: steve
King: i just really wanna recapture that mid-life adulthood magic i got with harry potter!!
King: i just love cormorant strike!
Barker: steve are you ok
Barker: where's joe
Barker: does she have joe?
Barker: is that what's going on here?
Poe: no clive he just
Poe: he really likes harry potter
JK Rowling: hello children
Stephen King: joanne! i really love your new cormorant strike book
King: but i have one criticism
Rowling: a criticissssm?
Rowling: who do you think you are
Rowling: [suspiciously] let me measure your larynx
Rowling: whatsss thiss criticissm
King: well, i think cormorant strike would be better
King: if the detectives were all going to a sort of boarding school for detectives
Rowling:
King: and also they should be divided into 4 houses with different scarves
King: maybe there could be a special hat that decides which house each detective goes to
Rowling: you're just reinventing harry potter
King: no no it would be totally different
King: like it could be a deerstalker hat
King: maybe they could play some kind of detective-based sports game that doesn't make a whole lot of sense?
Rowling:
King: [breaking down] please! i just want more harry potter!
Rowling: NO.
Rowling: i write sscreedss now
Barker: i just think its great how how you find time to write books between all the transphobia
Poe: clive
Rowling:
Barker: actually thats not right
Barker: really kind of implies you pause the transphobia to write the books
Rowling: