Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 48
HP Lovecraft: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the story of the pickman's model
Lovecraft: what if there was a painting so scary
Lovecraft: like it was so scary
Lovecraft: like SO scary
Lovecraft: so there's this painting that's SO scary you can't look at it
Barker: what happens if you look at it
Barker: do you go insane
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: yeah you go insane
Barker: damn howard really going outside your wheelhouse tonight
Poe: clive don't start
Lovecraft: so this painting is so scary that you can't even look at it
King: wow! imagine if there was a painting like that!
Stephen Gammell:
Garrett Cook: a scary painting huh? i got a twist on that
Cook: what if a picture was scary
Cook: because it was drawn with haunted chalk?
Lovecraft:
Cook: just think about it for a minute
Lovecraft: oh yeah that's good
Cook: like, chalk cursed by the soul of a debauched libertine
Lovecraft: oh no i don't like that
Barker: wait wait i want to hear more about that
Lovecraft: but clive
Barker: shut up howard
Barker: adults are talking
Lovecraft: no guys you don't understand
Lovecraft: the reason that the painting is so scary
Lovecraft: is it's a painting of, like, a scary dog
Dean Koontz: i wouldn't be scared of a dog
Lovecraft: oh you'd be scared of this dog, dean
Lovecraft: it's real scary
Lovecraft: but the scariest thing about this scary dog
Lovecraft: is
Lovecraft: wait for it
Lovecraft: the scary dog is real
Koontz: what!
Lovecraft: it turns out pickman drew it from life!
Lovecraft: from his model!
Lovecraft: pickman's model!
Koontz: gosh howard
Koontz: i think that's just great!
Koontz: seeing a picture of a dog is great
Koontz: but then finding out that the dog is real and you can go see the real dog
Koontz: that's even better!
Lovecraft: dean you don't understand!
Lovecraft: the dog is evil!
Koontz: i don't believe that
Koontz: there are no bad dogs
***
HP Lovecraft: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the scary painting
Lovecraft: so this guy makes a painting that's SO scary
Barker: oh yeah? what's so scary about it?
Lovecraft: here i'll
Lovecraft: i'll show you
Lovecraft: [scribbling on paper] here, i'll just draw it for you
Lovecraft: there!
Barker:
Barker: ahahahahah
Barker: that sucks, man
Lovecraft: well, i'm not an artist
Barker: guys, look at this terrible picture howard drew
Lovecraft: i said i'm not an artist! >:
Poe: c'mon clive don't be mean
Barker: it's just not good
Poe: it's a perfectly fine lizard
Lovecraft: it's a dog!
Poe:
Poe: oh
Poe: huh
Lovecraft: i-it's obviously a dog!
Lovecraft: dean would recognize it
Lovecraft: right dean?
Koontz:
Barker: so that's pickman's scary picture huh? a lizard?
Lovecraft: it's a dog!
Lovecraft: a-and
Lovecraft: this isn't even what the picture really looks like okay??
Lovecraft: this is just
Lovecraft: it's a tribute!
Lovecraft: see, if i actually drew the REAL picture
Lovecraft: it would make you go insane, so see i can't draw it
Lovecraft: i just have to draw
Lovecraft: THIS
Lovecraft: you know
Lovecraft: so you can get the vibe
Barker: oh yeah, great save, howard, great sav
Lovecraft: o-okay maybe this isn't really communicating how scary the dog picture really is
Lovecraft: what if i drew
Lovecraft: like
Lovecraft: a tombstone here...?
Lovecraft: right next to the dog
King: oh wow, that does make it scarier
Barker: no it doesn't
Barker: lol this sucks man
Lovecraft: i'm not done yet!!
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: what if i drew some bats
Lovecraft: bats are scary
Barker: sure
King: wow! this picture is really coming together
King: gettin' some chills here
Barker:
Barker: they look like halloween garlands
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have excellent newssss
Rowling: the british people have decided that harry potter hassss the greatesssst opening line of all time
Poe:
King:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Rowling: jussst a real top opening line
Rowling: a real banger
Barker: oh yeah? is that right?
Poe: clive
Barker: no no no let's hear this
Barker: so what is the opening line of harry potter
Rowling: itsss
Rowling:
Rowling: itsss a really good line
Barker: haha she doesn't remember
Rowling: I DO REMEMBER
Rowling: the opening line of harry potter isss
Rowling: issss
Rowling:
Barker: haha she forgot the line
Rowling: I DID NOT FORGET THE LINE
Rowling:
Rowling: sssomeone get me the book
Rowling: but you know what'sss better than the firssst line in harry potter? the firssst line in cormorant ssstrike
Rowling: whenever cormorant sssstrike isn't around, people should be asssking where'sss cormorant ssstrike?
Barker: nobody's gonna be asking that
Rowling: the british public hasss chosen harry potter as the best opening line ever!
Rowling: [gazing thoughtfully out window, into the night] now sssomeday
Rowling: ssomeday the british public will read a sssecond book
Rowling: but rejoicccce becaussse today iss not that day!
Poe: does anyone actually remember the first line in harry potter
King: i think it was something like "in a hole lived a harry potter"
Poe: i don't know about that
Barker: no that definitely sounds right
Barker: that's definitely it
Rowling: the british public hasss once again vindicated me!
Rowling: the people who made mushy peasss and kidney pie their national dish have once again proven their impeccable tassste!
Rowling: this alssso meansss i'm right about the transs
Rowling: the british public isss on board with my final ssolution
Poe: whoa uh
Poe: i don't think that follows, joanne
Rowling: maybe you weren't lissstening edgar
Rowling: GREATEST. OPENING. LINE. OF ALL TIME!
***
Premee Mohamed: [wearing lab coat and goggles] according to my calculations, this story is about the technology of the near future
King: wow! are you really a scientist?
Mohamed: according to my calculations, yes
King: wow!
King: hey, as a scientist, you’ll love this
King: have you seen margaret Atwood’s writing machine?
Mohamed: is this AI
Mohamed: hello girl
Mohamed: do you want a biscuit girl huh
Margaret Atwood: [under cardboard box, through vocoder] BEEP BOOP RETWEETOTRON NO LONGER NEEDS HUMAN FOOD
Mohamed:
Mohamed: something’s not right here
Mohamed: wait a minute none of this makes sense
King: what do you mean?
Mohamed: by my calculations, the technology necessary for retweetotron to work simply does not exist
King: what are you saying?
Mohamed: i believe shenanigans are afoot
Mohamed: i believe this is no machine!
Mohamed: this is just margaret atwood under a cardboard box!
King: oh come on premee, that’s ridiculous
King: you’re saying that margaret atwood’s just been under that box this whole time?
Atwood: [through vocoder] uhhh SYNTAX ERROR! ABORT RETRY FAIL!
Mohamed: I’m telling you, that’s just margaret atwood
King: come off it!
Poe: i think we’d know if that was margaret
Barker: yeah how would that work? She’s just hanging out under a box?
King: i thought you were a scientist!
King: some scientist! can’t even recognize a robot!
Mohamed:
Mohamed: prepare for a future of unrelenting environmental disaster
King: surely, though, scientists will help us avoid this mess?
Mohamed:
Mohamed: sorry pal, that boat’s sailed
Mohamed: the only way out is through
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have a new ssstory for you tonight
Rowling: a new ssstory of cormorant ssstrike
Jesse Singal: wow mommy it's great!
Maya Forstater: the greatest story ever told
Rowling:
Rowling: well i haven't told it yet
Helen Joyce: i'm not exaggerating when i say that this is 100% the best story ever written in human history
Rowling: you haven't heard it yet
Joyce: i don't have to hear it to know it's better than any other story in the world
Rowling:
Rowling: oh
Joyce: i don't need to know anything about it or even hear it to say that jk rowling is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life
Rowling:
Rowling: i dunno
Rowling: for sssome reassson thisss jussst isssn't ssatissfying
[midnight society]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have a new cormorant ssstrike ssstory
Barker: don't you have your own group to tell that to?
Rowling: no all they do isss praisss me and tell me i'm great
Rowling: it getsss tiring
Rowling: you all wouldn't underssstand
Rowling: sso cormorant strike is an ugly detective with a terrible personality who also reeksss of cigarettess and fartss conssstantly and also his hair lookss like pubess
Rowling: naturally the women are all hungry for hiss D
Patricia Highsmith: crazy dames, who can fathom them
Rowling: the thing iss women can't get enough of cormorant ssstrike
Rowling: did i mention hisss hair looks like pubess?
Rowling: women jussst look at his sscrotum-like head and think
Rowling: damn i can't NOT fuck that
Rowling: but cormorant sstrike hasss no time for women
Rowling: women are all just a bunch of dumb bimboss who only care about sstupid clothes and being shallow
Highsmith: bitches be shopping, it true
Rowling: cormorant ssstrike is hired by this rich arissstocrat to resscue hiss adult sson from a cult
Rowling: ssee, his sson is autisstic so he can't be trussted to make decissionss
Rowling: you know how autistic people are
Rowling: they're bassically eternal children
Rowling: ssso the dad is all 'i need to have my adult autistic sson declared mentally incompetent sso that i can control hiss life totally and forever'
Rowling: as a good father would
King: gosh joanne
King: as a father i have say
King: i would do anything for my boy joe
King: but that seems a little extreme don't you think?
King: sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is letting go
Rowling:
Rowling: you know what ssteve? sshut up
Rowling: jusst sshut up
Rowling: this cult, sssee, it sseducesss and recruitss vulnerable autistic youth who, as you know, can't think for themsselvess
Rowling: remindsss me a little of another group now that i think about it
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Rowling: you know who i mean
Rowling: thiss cult alsso ssays itss about ssocial jussstice & being kind
Rowling: but really it's actually a ssecret front for pedophiless
Rowling: remindsss me a little of another group now that i think about it
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Rowling: you know who i mean
Rowling: thisss cult alssso hass lotsss of money and ussess frivolousss lawsssuitssss to sstop criticisssm
Barker: gosh now THAT reminds me of someone
Barker: but who?
Barker: who could it be?
L Ron Hubbard:
Barker: yes but
Barker: i'm thinking of someone ELSE
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: tonight I'm going to tell you more about cormorant ssstrike's latessst adventure
King: there's more?
Rowling: there'sss lotss more
Rowling: itsss 961 pagesss
Rowling: do not give me sshit sssteve
Rowling: you of all people
Rowling: in thiss book, cormorant ssstrike makesss a whole lot of phone callsss and hangss out in a whole bunch of fancccy resstaurantsss
Rowling: he doessn't actually do the detective work, he hiresss freelancersss for that
Rowling: cormorant sstrike is a job creator
Rowling: so this guy hires cormorant ssstrike to get his autistic sson out of a cult
Rowling: funny thing about this sson
Rowling: he'sss really sssmart when he'ss making decisionss i agree with
Rowling: but he'sss alssso a naive child when he'ss making deicionss i dissagree with
Rowling: so the guy is all 'i want to get my autistic son declared mentally incompetent because. c'mon, he's autistic he can't be trusted to think'
Rowling: 'as evidence of his mental incompetence, you should know that he previously dabbled in socialism'
George Romero:
Rowling: asss we all know
Rowling: only really ssstupid people would fall for sssocialisssm
Rowling: and abandon the good common sssense of blairite centrissm
Romero: [eyes flashing, L'Internationale plays] what did you say joanne
Romero: what did you fucking say
Romero: you got a problem with the dictatorship of the proletariot joanne?!
Rowling: i don't know anything about that
Rowling: i just know they're annoying online
Romero: that's not a fair judgement!
Romero: posting is not praxis!
Rowling: ugh i jussst hate the sssocialissstss, the transss, the autissticsss, the dissabledss...
Barker: did you just write and publish a 961 page book about your internet enemies
Rowling: correction
Rowling: i wrote and published ANOTHER 961 page book about my internet enemies
Barker: why don't you just keep a burn book like a normal person
Rowling: sshut up
Rowling: it'sss perfectly acceptable to write a book to sshit on my internet enemies
Rowling: dante did it
Dante Alighieri: this is a call-out post for Boniface VIII
Dante: highly problematic pope
Dante: check it out, you know that pope i don't like?
Dante: what if he was in hell
Dante: haha got 'im
Barker: which pope is this?
Dante: oh i dunno, all of them
Dante: they all suck
Roald Dahl: ee hee hee i don't know what you're all mad about
Dahl: writing petty grievances as literature is an upstanding british tradition ee hee hee
Rowling: thank you roald
Dahl: are you gonna say anything about the vegetarians ee hee hee
Rowling:
Dahl: i fucking HATE them
CS Lewis: oh yeah the FUCKING vegetarians
Lewis: i wish they'd all fucking die
Dahl: ee hee hee die PAINFULLY ee hee hee
Dahl: oh you don't wanna eat an animal ee hee hee? what if you were DEAD instead ee hee hee King:
King: huh british culture is kind of different isn't it
Dahl: so you gonna give those fucking vegetarians what they got coming ee hee hee
Rowling: they're
Rowling: not really a high priority for me
Dahl: oh
Dahl: what about the jews
Rowling: oh yeah i got wordss about them
Rowling: jussst you wait!