Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 46
Well, now! The big news this week is that ALL the rewards for the “Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals 3” Indiegogo have FINALLY been sent out!
Thanks to everyone for your support and patience… I’m just a one goblin operation, so that took a lot of time to pack and send everything, but we’re finally in the clear! It turns out that shipping costs more than expected (I guess rates went up in the last year), so, if you haven’t yet bought yourself a digital copy of book 3, why, you should really do that! Why wouldn’t you? It’s such a great book and I have no vested interested in saying that!
Speaking of, did you know that Midnight Pals has its own official website now? It’s the place to look for all the latest news about books and the upcoming audio series (scheduled to premiere on Halloween! Spooky!) Big ups to our producer Robin Johnson for really making that look great!
Hey, look, it’s MORE Midnight Pals!
***
Ramsey Campbell: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the village where people looked like rabbits
Franz Kafka: hm that sounds problematic
Kafka: what beta readers do you use
Campbell: oh i don't use beta readers
Kafka: don't use--!!!
Kafka: you don't use beta readers???
Campbell: no
Kafka: wow ramsey
Kafka: yikes
Campbell: what?
Kafka: you did a no growth
Campbell: what?
Kafka: you did a bad feel
Campbell: what are you talking about?
Kafka: you did a cold prickly
Campbell: literally what is happening
Campbell: i don't use beta readers, unless you count my wife
Kafka: WOW
Kafka: YIKES
Kafka: no yikes doesn't cover it
Kafka: BIG YIKES
Barker: franz what the hell are you doing
Campbell: look, if i made a mistake, i'll apologize
Kafka: no no
Kafka: the time for apologies is past
Kafka: now is the time for being held to account
Campbell:
Campbell: ok, well, i'm sorry
Kafka: SORRY'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Kafka: i am calling out ramsey campbell!
Barker: what are you calling him out for
Kafka:
Kafka: the important thing
Kafka: is that he's been called out!
Kafka: "unless you count my wife"
Kafka: i mean
Kafka: really? wow
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker: franz
Barker: franz have you considered
Barker: and i mean this in the nicest possible way
Barker: just being depressed again?
Kafka: "unless you count my wife"
Kafka: wow! just wow!
Kafka: i am calling this out this problematic behavior online
Kafka: anyway now i'm off to work at my day job at lockheed-martin
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
Helen Joyce: so we're dropping with the "wear whatever you want" line
Joyce: from now on, to ensure proper gender conformity, all school boys must dress in like that one meme where the manly sweaty shirtless guys are pushing around a big gear
Joyce: and all school girls must dress in no less than 18 layers of crinoline
Joyce: and believe me
Joyce: we WILL be counting
JK Rowling: [polite clapping] bravo bravo well done
Rowling: thatssss capital, great work
Rowling: jusst great
Rowling: now for a ssspecial treat john boyne will read an interpretive poem
John Boyne: uh uh uh uh
Boyne: this for you joanne
Boyne: uh uh uh uh
Boyne: i hope you like it
Boyne: they oughta teach this in school
Boyne: it ain't always cool to be cool (what)
Boyne: i do not like you owen jones
Boyne: i wish the fash had broke your bones
Boyne: now jk rowling, she's really cool
Boyne: she's the bestest terf in all hyrule
Boyne: in twitter fights, she'll clean your clock
Boyne: and slay you like an octorock
Boyne: JK Rowling, she's alright
Boyne: bravely posting through the night
Boyne: she's richer than a lottery winner
Boyne: and she'll use her wealth to rehab glinner
Boyne: people tell me to log off and i say nay
Boyne: i won't do it! not today!
Boyne: it's not that i can't, i mean, i'm perfectly able
Boyne: me, the writer of the boy in the striped pajamas
Boyne: [whispers] a fable
Boyne: by the way, owen jones, my pal, my mate
Boyne: maybe i'd take you out on a date
Boyne: if you weren't such a mouthy bitch
Boyne:
Rowling:
Boyne: that's it, that's the end
Rowling:
Rowling: yeah ok that wass
Rowling: well
Rowling: i liked the part about how i'm great
Boyne: anyway, be sure to buy my new book, the sequel to the boy in the striped pajamas
Boyne: [whispers] a fable
Boyne: it's an exhaustively researched book all about how a magical jew helped a nazi commandant's son to feel better about himself and also get the triforce
Boyne: anyway the important thing is have we considered the real victims of the holocaust -- the germans who had to feel bad about it?
[phone ringing]
Boyne: oh shit
Boyne: if that's the auschwitz museum, i'm not here
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: lisssten graham linehan hassss a new manifesssto coming out
Rowling: i mean memoir
Rowling: ssso it's very important
Rowling: that we all pretend that he'sss really hot
Helen Joyce: dark lord?
Rowling: you all know the terf deatheater code
Rowling: "when you find a dude who agrees with you on transss genocide, it isss your sssolemn duty to act like he'sss jussst wildly fuckable"
Rowling: i mean, thatsss jussst bassic feminissm right there
Helen Joyce: but dark lord---!
Joyce: the graham linehan...
Joyce: he sleeps in a racecar
Rowling: i have sspoken
Rowling: when he getsss here
Rowling: you all better act like your dang pusssiesss are on fire
Graham Linehan: [practicing speech in mirror] "thank you for this award"
Linehan: "it is a tribute to this great movement that a man once shunned as a deranged embarrassment could win back your trust"
Graham Linehan: i'm meeting the dark lord tonight, i better wear my best shapeless mom jeans, the ones that really show off my flat hollow ass
Linehan: maybe wear it with a nice tent-like polo shirt, one that just hangs off my stomach like a blouse
Linehan: now that's fashion!
Rowling: when he getss here, i want everyone to jusst act like he's god'ss gift to women ok
Maya Forstater: but dark lord
Rowling: maya you ran a hate campaign against a cartoon alien, i THINK you can at least do thiss
Graham Linehan: [wearing tinfoil hat] free masons run the country
Rowling: wow it'sss weird how all the exact ssame sstuff he sssayss that ssounded insane to me 3 yearss ago now sseems really ssenssible and mainsstream
Rowling: mussst be cuz i'm ssmarter now
***
Abby Howard: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight society, I call this the tale of the Crossroads at Midnight
King: ah! a faustian tale of devilish bargains, eh?
Howard: no
Howard: it’s mostly like
Howard: what if you met a guy
Howard: who was real squishy
Howard: what if a cornfield was haunted by a squishy ghost
Howard: what if a mattress was haunted by a squishy ghost
Howard: what if you went to the beach and there was a squishy ghost
Howard: here’s a story about a family that raises a lake monster
Howard: you’ll notice this monster is typical of Cretaceous mosasaurs which are TECHNICALLY not dinosaurs but just look like dinosaurs bc of convergent evolution
Barker: oh great, nerd shit
Bogleech: no this is good
Howard: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight society, I call this the tale of the mystery video game set in an economically depressed rural town
Frank Belknap Long: oh I love night in the woods!!
Howard:
Howard: this isn’t night in the woods
Long: but there are furries in it right?
Howard: there’s a possum
Stephanie Rabig: nice
Howard: there’s these things called ditchlings
Koontz: those are cute!
Howard: they lay eggs in paralyzed animals like parasitic wasps
Koontz:
Poe: jesus christ abby why would you say that in front of dean!
Poe: you know better than that!
Bogleech: no this is good
Howard: you know what happens if you hit a ditchling
Howard: well they’re real
Howard: s q u i s h y
Dean Koontz: why would anyone hit a ditchling? :(
Howard: exactly
Poe: cool story!
King: yeah this one was lots of fun!
Koontz: i liked it!
Howard: you all hate me and want me to die
***
Max Booth III: hey john check it out
Booth: i named a character after you in The Last Haunt
John Baltisberger: oh yeah? which character?
Booth: haha you're gonna laugh
Booth: hahaha
Baltisberger:
Booth: hahahaha
Booth: so i haha
Booth: i named a cop after you
Booth: hahaha
Baltisberger: a cop?
Booth: isn't that funny? hahaha
Booth: you! a cop!
Booth: hahaha
Baltisberger:
Baltisberger: i never considered this before
Booth: haha- oh
Baltisberger: a cop
Baltisberger: [holding up a bobby helmet as if it was horatio's skull] is this my curse
Baltisberger: or
Baltisberger: my destiny???
Stephen King: so what i'm saying is
King: in a fight
King: i think dracula could totally beat up frankenstein
Mary Shelley: [flipping switchblade] is that so steve
Baltisberger: [busting in] wot's all this ere now, break it up! break it up!
Baltisberger: break it up or i'll have to bring you all down to the station!
Mary Shelley: fuck off
Baltisberger: ooo!
Baltisberger: resisting arrest!
Baltisberger: that's a 10-87
Baltisberger: [writing in little cop notebook] i'm gonna write that down in my little cop notebook
King: john what are you doing?
Baltisberger: that's OFFICER baltisberger to you, punk
Baltisberger: and nobody's sweetheart!
Baltisberger: you kids got a permit for this campfire?
Baltisberger: i'm afraid i'm going to have to write you a ticket
Mary Shelley: nuts to you copper
Baltisberger: whoa! that's a second offense!
Baltisberger: and there are 2 of you here
Baltisberger: so i'm pretty sure this falls under RICO
Baltisberger: and furthermore
Baltisberger: what's that smell
Fitz James O'Brien: [rapidly waving away smoke] nothing
O'Brien: it's nothing
Baltisberger: are there DRUGS here
Mary Shelley: i've had enough of this
Barker: ah here, let me take care of it
Barker: hey do you think that drug
Barker: is fentanyl
Baltisberger: what?!?!
Baltisberger: too late! i saw it!
Baltisberger: officer down!!! [Baltisberger collapses]
King: how did you do that?
Barker: oh, it's easy
Barker: cops go insane if they perceive fentanyl
Barker: it's like the king in yellow for them or something
Lovecraft: i-i would never
Lovecraft: i back the blue
***
Aron Beauregard: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the playground of death
Beauregard: so a rich lady invites these kids to test out a new playground
Beauregard: with all sorts of dangerous equipment
Beauregard: and i don't mean ziplines
King: finally! getting back to our origins!
King: see, that's the problem with playgrounds nowadays
King: they're way too safe
King: and yeah they need to bring back ziplines!
King: those were awesome!
Poe: they were pretty cool
Barker: they fuckin ruled
King: so when you talk about a dangerous playground
King: you mean she's bringing back woodchips right?
King: getting rid of that dumb weird foam rubber
Poe: oh i HATE that stuff
King: see? that's exactly what i'm talking about
King: kids hate these new overly safe playgrounds!
King: right, joe?
Joe Hill: dad i really have no opinion on playground safety
King: c'mon joe back me up
King: it's boring right?
Hill: dad i'm not a baby anymore!
King: joe thinks they're boring
Hill: daaaad!!
King: see, in my day, a couple skinned knees were the price of entry to a playground
Beauregard: no i'm not talking about woodchips steve
Beauregard: i mean a playground that can kill you
King:
King: so you mean like
King: it DOES have a zipline???
Beauregard: no i mean-
King: see, our local playground used to have this super cool zipline
King: but they thought it was too dangerous, so they lowered it
King: now your feet drag!
King: they totally ruined it!
Beauregard: this is a playground that kills
Beauregard: like its got slides with sawblades
Beauregard: and there's spikes in the see saw
Beauregard: and the sandbox is full of acid
Beauregard: and the tetherball is on fire
Beauregard: and you know those weird spinny tic tac toe panel things?
Beauregard: what if it was made of poison
King:
King: oh wow actually that might be too much of a recorrect there aron
King: that does not sound up to code at all
Koontz: b-but the kids are ok right?
Beauregard:
Beauregard:
Poe: aron just say they're ok
Poe: for dean
Beauregard: they're ok
Koontz: oh good!
Beauregard: [whispering] i'll tell you all the real story after he goes to bed