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September 11, 2023

Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 45

Never forget to always remember, as they say. Anyway, here’s some Midnight Pals!

***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: today we retire jesssse ssssingal
Jesse Singal: but mommy!
Rowling: he is a ssspent force
Rowling no one can take him ssseriousssly anymore
Singal: but mommy--!

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Singal: mommy no! I'm still relevant! give me another chance mommy!
Rowling: you've had your moment jesssse
Rowling: but the transsss know your game now and now they won't talk to you
Rowling: plusss all thossse sssibilantsss in your name are jussst really hard to pronounce

Rowling: tonight i pressent to you
Rowling: the NEW jessse ssingal
Rowling: fassster, ssstronger, more efficient
Rowling: over TWICE the concern trolling capabilitiess
Rowling: i call her  
Rowling: Azeen Ghorayshi
All: [polite clapping]

Azeen Ghorayshi: so i know that jamie reed was exposed as a lying crank months ago
Ghorayshi: but what my article supposes is
Ghorayshi: what if she wasn't?

Ghorayshi: listen, i'm a journalist
Ghorayshi: i follow the story wherever it goes
Ghorayshi: and if the story turns out to be that Jamie Reed is a weirdo loon, then I guess I just have to write a story about how she's got valid concerns
Ghorayshi: that's the 4th estate, baby

Ghorayshi: listen, if i have to betray the trust of 100 vulnerable families to launder the reputation of one lying crank
Ghorayshi: i mean, that's just my duty as a journalist
Ghorayshi: also why does everyone keep sending me that one onion article

Ghorayshi: And that's how I became your humble narrator
Ghorayshi: To be living so easy and free
Ghorayshi: Expect you think that I should be haunted
Ghorayshi: But it never really bothers me

Singal: ooo you think you're so great!! i was here first
Ghorayshi: get lost kid you're yesterday's news
Ghorayshi: now if you'll excuse me
Ghorayshi: some of us crackerjack newshounds have trans youth to endanger

Singal: [looking under a rock] hello? hello?
Singal: are there any trans youth down there who will still talk to me
Singal: p-please
Singal: i need the appearance of balance!!
Singal: anyone?

***

Poe: Look, this has gone on too long
Poe: we've GOT to distance ourselves from Joanne
Neil Gaiman: she's become a liability
Gaiman: soon she'll be killed by the publisher assassins
Poe: right, the
Poe: hold on, the what
Gaiman: the publisher assassins
Poe:

Gaiman: dead authors sell better, you see
Gaiman: so someone could kill an author just to goose sales
Gaiman: that's why we all have to be very protective of copyright
King: ...is this about the internet archive
Gaiman: I SIGNED THE LETTER OKAY

Gaiman: imagine
Gaiman: it's 2001
Gaiman: you're sent to kill a promising young author
Gaiman: but you accidentally kill her terrier instead
Barker: That was a film
Gaiman: ah but films are the mindscape of potentiality
Koontz: [crying] I don't like this story

Gaiman: ah dean, fear not my young friend
Gaiman: tis a mere thought experiment
Gaiman: publisher assassins are not real, they can't hurt you
Gaiman: [stroking chin] though contracted hit men are REMARKABLY cheap
Gaiman: Only five figures? Now THAT'S what I call making a killing

King: neil you're just being kooky, no one's gonna kill authors for the copyright
King: i mean
King: who could even pull off a thing like  
Barker: mary could do it
King:
King: no no mary's too flamboyant
King: you need a professional for this
Jack Ketchum: [long cigarette drag]

Jack Ketchum: i could do it
King:
Ketchum: i could do it easy
Ketchum: no one would ever find the bodies
King:
Barker: would you make it look like an accident
Ketchum: what am i, an amateur? of course i'd make it look like a fucking accident
Ketchum: what a question

Ketchum: damn shame about that scottish castle
King: jack
Ketchum: you know what they say
Ketchum: you gotta keep diane duane outta the woodwork or you're gonna get some major structural damage
Ketchum: the kind that can crush a person alive  
King: jack what did you do

Ketchum: i didn't do anything, steve
King:
Ketchum: and there are no witnesses to say otherwise
King:
Gaiman: haha my goodness this gedank experiment sure is a testament to the limitless reaches of the human imagination isn't it haha

***

Brian Asman: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of FUCK THIS HOUSE
King: haha oh man! that title! that’s great!
King: i’m sold already!
Asman: good, cuz it’s kinda all downhill from here

Asman: so this family moves into a new house
Asman: and by the way the son in this family consumed his unborn twin in the womb
Asman: just getting that shit right out there on the first page
King: brian! you can’t do that! you gotta pace yourself!
Asman: naw

Asman: listen you think living in a haunted house is bad?
Asman: you should try it yourself!
Asman: that’s right, I’m giving away a FREE haunted house to one lucky winner!
Asman: and it could be
Asman: YOU

[showing off a haunted house]
Asman: now this house, we like to call it a ghostbuster’s dream
Barker: yeah right man i’ll be the judge of that
Poe: clive let him give his spiel
Asman: s-so this house comes equipped with hot and cold running chills...

Barker: what’s that smell?
Asman: ooo smells like the infernal fires of hell breaking theough the veil huh?
Barker: you were just baking charcoal in the oven to give it that welcoming haunted house smell weren’t you
Asman:
Barker: c’mon man i know all the tricks
Barker: i’ve seen HGTV

Asman: i’m sure you’ll find this house to your liking
Asman: check this out
Asman: walls continue upright, bricks meet neatly, floors are firm
Asman: [thumping door] hear that?
Asman: doors sensibly shut
Shirley Jackson: [mumbling excitedly]
Mary Shelley: yeah yeah i hear ya
Mary Shelley: how’s the silence lay here? steadily?

Asman: now if you’ll follow me into the master bedroom you’ll find a
Asman: oh did you hear that?
Poe: hear what?
Asman: [knocking on wall] that knocking! oh it must be the ghost!
Poe: you just knocked
Asman: IT MUST BE THE GHOST!

Barker: gotta be honest here, man
Barker: i don’t think this house is really haunted
Asman: no no of course it’s haunted
[wind blows through eaves]
Barker: is that the wind blowing through the eaves?
Asman: oh no no no
Asman: of course not
Asman: it must be the ghost

Asman: any questions about this haunted house?
John Wiswell: is it a friendly haunted house?
Asman: no, its the bad kind
Asman: next question
King: how many ghosts are in here?
Asman: 999 happy haunts
Asman: but there’s room for one more

Barker: if this house is so haunted, then maybe you wouldn’t mind a visit from the world’s foremost ghost hunters
Asman: of course not! i would welcome it
Arthur Conan Doyle: I’m arthur conan doyle
Charles Dickens: and I’m Charles Dickens
Dickens: together we are
Dickens & Doyle: GHOST CLUB

Dickens: so you say this house is haunted?
Asman: uhh yeah totally
Doyle: that’s good enough for me! case closed!
Dickens: NOT SO FAST

Dickens: if this house is REALLY haunted
Dickens: you wouldn’t have to play
Dickens: [dramatic reveal sting] THIS record of Walt Disney’s Thrilling Chilling Sounds of the Haunted House on loop!

Dickens: and you wouldn’t
Dickens: [dramatic reveal sting] need G.E. Woods to hide in the closet to make haunted house sounds!
Woods: [holding out peeled grapes] these are the ghosts’ eyeballs

Asman: Curses! And would have gotten away with it
Asman: if it wasn't for you meddling ghost club!
Doyle:
Doyle: i still think it’s haunted

***

Mira Grant: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the parasite that makes you into a zombie
Grant: so they genetically engineer a tape worm that cures everything
Grant: so everyone gets one implanted
Grant: but they were, all of them, decieved

Grant: so everyone has an implanted tapeworm
Grant: and also people start turning into zombies
King: oh that’s a weird coincidence!
Poe: I bet those two things are related
King: wait
King: wait you think?
Poe: well it would stand to reason
Grant: have you guys heard this story before?

Grant: our hero is this girl who got in a massive car accident
Grant: that gave her brain damage that made her more agreeable
Grant: she got reverse Phineas Gaged

Grant: now that this girl is so agreeable, everyone she meets wants to tell her their life story
Grant: which is really convenient for me, the storyteller!
Grant: let’s get some exposition goinggggg

Grant: so the tapeworm makes people into zombies
Bogleech: you act like the tapeworm is doing this on purpose
Bogleech: it’s just trying to survive in its own way!
Grant: people are dying
Bogleech: [huffing indignantly] I don’t have to sit here and take this slander!

Grant: now civilization is collapsing because of tapeworm zombies
Poe: oh careful this story’s getting a little intense for dean
Grant: but also our hero got a dog
Koontz: a dog?!
Poe: think you’ve had enough dean, you’re getting hyper
Koontz: i want to stay up and hear about the dog!
Poe: come on dean let’s go
Koontz: you’re not the boss of me! I want to stay and hear about the dog!

***

Mira Grant: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the super rich woman who bought the moon
Grant: but it’s okay, it turns out she’s one of those nice super rich people
Grant: who just wants to do whimsical things

Grant: but that’s all in the past
Grant: that woman is a relic of a by-gone age of exploitative capitalism but now they realized that letting rich people buy moons might not be a good idea
Grant: but they let this one moon sale stand
Grant: you know, for fun 

Grant: so in the future, this super rich woman builds an amusement park on the moon of Saturn
Grant: but it’s earth moon themed
Stephen King: what’s that mean?
Grant: cheese
Grant: lots and lots of cheese

Grant: so the moon amusement park exists in perpetuity
Grant: luckily the rich woman left in her will that nothing bad can ever happen
Clive Barker: how’s that work?
Grant: oh you know
Grant: lawyers wrote it down that nothing bad can ever happen
Grant: pretty boilerplate stuff

Grant: so the descendants of the super rich woman are going to the amusement park
Grant: but they’re just ordinary folks, you know, just like you and me!
Grant: despite being scions of obscene moon-buying wealth

Grant: they might be super rich but they’re just like you and me
Grant: just your average polyamorous bisexual commune
Barker: oh damn! they ARE just like us 

Grant: so the descendants go to the moon amusement park
Grant: but, uh oh, someone tries to kidnap their kid!
Grant: don’t worry, it doesn’t work
Grant: so they all lived happily ever after
Dean Koontz: phew! that had me worried

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