Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 44
We’ve got a new teaser for the Midnight Pals audio podcast… this one has Anne Rice! … and a trailer for season 1! We also finally have a release date… we’re premiering on Halloween 2023! OooOOOOooOOOO how spookily appropriate! As always, we’re still auditioning roles for upcoming episodes. Check out the listing for the Snow Woman episode; we still need to find our Junji Ito!
Here’s some Midnight Pals!
***
[at unicorn fuck club]
Robert Jordan: thus as the wheel of time turns, so pass the ages of man!
Jordan: a new epoch of magic and mystery settles upon the land!
Jordan: it was an age of the distant past
Jordan: and an age yet to come!
Tolkien: wait a second
Tolkien: which was it
Jordan: the gleeman vish taral’bid came to seek the blessing of ai’shidoo
Tolkien: you’re dropping names like we should be familiar with them
Jordan: you should be, we’ve been over this before
Tolkien: we have?
Jordan: in an age of the distant past
Jordan: and an age yet to come
Jordan: it’s an epic tale of good & evil just like your lord of the rings
Jordan: but the selling point here is that time is cyclical
Tolkien: oh that’s interesting, i thought time was linear
Jordan: oh no not at all
Jordan: first you have to understand that space time is curved
Jordan: so nineva al’uvyf is all “oh you menfolk with yer dillying and your dallying! Guess it’s up to us womenfolk to fix this!”
Jordan: “what’s that there? mud on the floor? ooo and i suppose you menfolk expect us womenfolk to clean that up mm? Just like you menfolk!”
Jordan: just imagine every woman in this world is that one really annoying Irish chick in Star Trek the Next Generation
Jordan: of course men channel saidin for dude magic
Jordan: which is stronger, like how a dude is stronger than a lady
Jordan: but the lady magic of ladies? well that‘s better for working together
Jordan: the real magic is friendship
Jordan: let me tell you
Jordan: women, huh?
Jordan: who can understand them?
Jordan: bitches be chanelin’ saidar
Jordan: so perin was on an epic quest to the desert of yarbalno
GRR Martin: how smooth are the skirts?
Jordan: oh actually they’re kinda wrinkled
Jordan: better smooth ‘em out
Jordan: thanks for reminding me!
Jordan: wait a second
Jordan: are you making fun of me!?
Jordan: you know if that’s how you’re gonna be, I’m just gonna go over to midnight society!
Tolkien: you can’t do that, robert! You’re not telling a horror story!
Jordan: well, there’s a dark one, that’s pretty spooky
Jordan: you know what, just SHUT UP
[at midnight society]
Jordan: anyway that’s when i came over here
Barker: so how smooth are the skirts
Edward Lee: bro i don’t like to brag but
Lee: i been to tar valon
Lee: if you know what i mean
Koontz: i don’t know what you mean
Angela Carter: get off it, you have not been
Carter: you wouldn’t be able to find it
Tabitha King: oh ho ho! Zing!
Patricia Highsmith: i’ve been
Robert Jordan: Braids -- tugged.
Jordan: Skirts -- smoothed.
Jordan: Unbothered. Moisturized. Happy. In My Lane. Focused. Flourishing.
[at unicorn fuck club]
Robert Jordan: thus as the wheel of time turns, so pass the ages of man!
Jordan: it was an age of the distant past
Jordan: and an age yet to come!
Tolkien: wait a second
Tolkien:
Tolkien: whoa, déjà vu
***
[at Unicorn Fuck Club]
Brandon Sanderson: hey robert what kind of magic rules do you have
Sanderson: in my fantasy world, there's 18 laws of magic
Sanderson: sorted into 23 categories and 65 sub-directories
Robert Jordan: huh
Jordan: well in my world, girls do girl magic and boys do boy magic
Sanderson: wait what?
Jordan: girls do girl magic and boys do boy magic
Sanderson: how does that work
Jordan: saidin is stored in the balls
Jordan: why, how does your magic work
Sanderson: ah well if you experience an emotion in my fantasy world
Sanderson: then a sprite representing that emotion with physically appear and dance around
Jordan: is that like Big Mouth then
Sanderson: what
Jordan: its a cartoon show
Sanderson:
Sanderson: oh idk maybe
Sanderson: i haven't seen it
Sanderson: i only watch saturday's warrior on loop
Jordan: look, i just think it makes sense
Jordan: that the fundamental mystery powers of the universe would bisect neatly along binary gender lines
JK Rowling: goddamnit!!!
Rowling: why didn't i think of that
Rowling: ugh, inssstead i only have magic dividing people into uebermensssches and untermensssches
Rowling: it could have been sssso much more!
Rowling: sssso in my world
Rowling: the sssuperior wizard raccce issss sssimply born knowing magic
Sanderson: right, right
Rowling: then they have to go to sssschool
Rowling: you know, to learn
Rowling:
Rowling: magic
Rowling: alssso there are bad wizardsss who want to exterminate non-wizardssss
Rowling: the bad wizardsss represssent queer people now
Rowling: that's why we need to get them before they get us
Rowling: anyway if you're an elected repressentative writing eliminationalisssst lawsss, feel free to reference my fictional booksss for jussstification
Tolkien:
Martin:
Rowling: i don't get it, that alwaysss getsss a big hand on mumsnet
Diane Duane: in my world, anyone can learn magic
Rowling: SHUT UP DUANE
Duane: from a book
Rowling: SHUT UP
Duane: you can get it at the library
John Bellairs: oh yeah i think i've seen that book
***
Stephen King: guys you know its mary's birthday today?
King: we should get her something
Poe: how about the calcified heart of her boyfriend?
King: no no
King: she already has one of those
Poe: that is a pickle
Poe: what do you get for the girl who has everything?
Barker: you guys getting mary a birthday present?
King: what did you get her?
Barker: i got her the calcified heart of her boyfriend
Lovecraft: b-but clive!
Lovecraft: i ALSO got her the calcified heart of her boyfriend!
Barker:
Barker: well shit
King: well gosh darn it
King: did anyone here NOT get her the calcified heart of her boyfriend?
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Koontz:
King: how many boyfriends does she have?
Barker: its a really big polycule, steve
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
King: happy birthday mary!
King: now i know you don't like us making a big deal about your birthday
King: but we all got together & got you something we thought you'd really like
Shelley: is it a coffin
King: no it's JUST KIDDING OF COURSE ITS A COFFIN!
King: see we thought this would be the perfect thing, you could be morose, contemplate the walking death that is life-
Shelley: this has 4 sides
King: what?
Shelley: this is a casket, steve
King: there's a difference?
Edward Gorey: we prefer to call it an America Box
***
Tim Waggoner: I'm writing a book of advice to budding horror writers
Waggoner: any advice to share?
Stephen King: i like to listen to music to get in the appropriately spooky headspace
Waggoner: ah interesting!
Waggoner: what music?
King: Mambo number 5
Waggoner:
King: [sitting at typewriter, cracking knuckles] ok! King: time to get down to business!
King: [snaps fingers, fedora flies from off screen into his hand, smoothly places hat on head]
King: [dancing] A LITTLE BIT OF MONICA IN MY LIFE!!
King: A LITTLE BIT OF ERICA BY MY SIDE!!!
King: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society
King:
Poe: what's wrong?
King: i don't know, i'm just not feeling it
King: [snapping fingers] oh wait i know what's missing!
King: A LITTLE BIT OF MONICA IN MY LIFE!!
King: A LITTLE BIT OF ERICA BY MY SIDE!!
King: A LITTLE BIT OF MONICA IN MY LIFE
King: A LITTLE BIT OF ERICA BY MY SIDE
Poe: wow steve really likes that record
Tabitha King: hm yeah he really does
Tabitha King: hey let me see that record for a second
Tabitha King: [immediately smashes record w/o breaking eye contact]
Stephen King: Tabitha
King: I'm only going to ask this once
King: have you
King: or have you not
King: heard about mambo number 5?
King: CUZ EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MAMBO NUMBER 5 IS THE WORD!
King: A LITTLE BIT OF MONICA BY MY SIDE-
Joe Hill: mom, dad, are you getting divorced
Stephen King: joe! no no
King: of course not!
King: your mother and i still love each other very much
King: it's just that sometimes when you've been married for a long time, you need
King: [jumping up, dancing] A LITTLE BIT OF MONICA BY MY SIDE
King: boy! what a banger! its too mad we can't hear the first 4 mambos
Poe: those were too dangerous to be released steve
Poe: like the second act of the king in yellow
Poe: or the first 5 leonard movies
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: sssay hello to graham lineham
Linehan [wearing tinfoil hat]: freemasons run the country
Jesse Singal: but mommy
Rowling: i know we were all pretending he didn't exisst for a while
Rowling: that changes now
Rowling: sssee hiss extreme levelsss of divorcednesss usssed to be a liability to our hate movement
Rowling: but now that being extremely divorced hassss gone mainssstream
Rowling: he'sss an asssset!
Elon Musk: eyyy you know da jews, they maka my wife leave me
Rowling: to think that only a few yearsss ago, cccyberssstalking, death threatsss and appearing drunk on live televisssion were consssidered gouache
Rowling: but today, there'sss no bottom!
Rowling: and itsss all thankss to your tirelesssss effortsss!
Rowling: well done, graham!
Linehan: don't worry, i have a new plan against the trans
Rowling: yesss?
Linehan: i'm going to rally father ted fans
Linehan: see, if you liked a sit com back in the 90s, then you're obligated to join my hate movement
Linehan: there's no better way to connect with today's youth
Linehan: Father Ted fans will flock to my aid
Linehan: there's no one more likely to be on board with hating queers than someone who liked a comedy that made fun of catholicism
Linehan: after all, think of the success that you had turning all your harry potter fans into loyal terfs
Rowling: uhhhh
Linehan: i mean, they did all fall in line right?
Rowling:
Rowling:
Rowling:
Rowling: look, i don't need harry potter fansss
Rowling: i have new fanss
Rowling: fanss of me
Rowling: the adoration of the world'sss children meansss nothing to me compared to the adoration of 12 mumsssnet possstersss named rossemary
Rowling: i might have given up the love of the world'ss children but look what i gained
Maya Forstater: i'm gonna get that cartoon alien one of these days, i promise dark lord!! just watch!
Julie Bindel: [red tape across mouth] mmm
Rowling: yeah i
Rowling: i really gained a lot
Allison Bailey: [sweating, desperately clutching briefcase] i won't drop it... i won't drop it
Tatsuya Ishida: i'm drawing communist lesbian joe biden with a huge dick
Elon Musk: mama mia dissa post issa banned for not being racist! oh!!
Rowling: yeah
Rowling: really gained a lot