Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 43
Big news this week! FINALLY, FINALLY, the third Midnight Pals books have arrived!!! Look at this beauty
I’m in the process of sending them out to all the Indiegogo backers. I have to pack over 300 prize packs, so please bear with me as I work through them… I’m just a one goblin operation, after all XP If you’ve backed the indiegogo, then you should have already received the digital version… but the rest of you can purchase the digital version of Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals 3 right now on my itchio! In fact, you really should. It’s funny! This book includes EXTRA exclusive material, including an introduction by Hailey Piper, illustrations by Jennifer Albright, cover by Gentlemonster, extra one-page parody stories in the styles of Neil Gaiman, Joe Hill, Ramsey Campbell, and more! Buy it and read it with someone you love!
Here’s some Midnight Pals!
***
Bram Stoker: guys, i want you to meet my girlfriend Florence Balcombe
King:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Poe:
Barker: girlfriend huh
Poe: clive
Balcombe: yeah bram is so much better than my last boyfriend
Balcombe: oscar wilde
King:
Lovecraft:
Poe:
Koontz:
Barker:
Barker: your last boyfriend was oscar wilde?
Poe: clive
Balcombe: yeah
Barker: and now you're dating bram stoker?
Poe: clive
Barker: oh you sure know how to pick em honey
Poe: CLIVE
Balcombe: yeah i dated oscar wilde
Balcombe: and then bram stoker
Balcombe: what can i say? i'm just a sucker for men who have a certain distracted, disinterested quality in bed
King:
Koontz:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Poe:
Edward Lee: bro bro
Lee: you got with florence balcombe bro?
Lee: you know she's a celebrated beauty bro
Lee: you gotta tell me what its like bro
Stoker: oh a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell
Lee: c'mon bro
Lee: bro
Lee: i'm dyin bro
Lee: c'mon bro you gotta tell
Stoker: well we don't do any of that weird sex stuff if that's what you're asking
Balcombe: what about when you made me put on a big fake beard and read Leaves of Grass to you
Stoker: that wasn't a sex thing!
King: so you broke up with oscar wilde? i can't imagine why you would do that, he's so funny
Balcombe: yeah well
King: he's like basically the wittiest guy in the world
Balcombe: yeah well that gets old fast
Oscar Wilde: hey guys, working hard or hardly working? hahaha
Oscar Wilde: hey guys here's another patented oscar wilde bon mot for you
Wilde: what do you get when a bird flies into a fan?
Barker: boooooo
Wilde: shredded tw-
Wilde: I'M NOT DONE YET
Barker: boooooo
Barker: get off the stage
King: i don't know what your problem is clive, this guy's a laugh riot! i'm dying!
Oscar Wilde: hi dying, i'm oscar wilde
King: ah ha ha ha!!
King: where does he come up with these things?
Wilde: hey hey
Wilde: you're gonna love this one
Wilde: pull my finger
***
Stephen King: oh boy this is embarrassing
Poe: what's that?
King: well, see, we kinda
King: accidentally
King: agreed to let this nazi tell a story
Poe: oh boy that is a pickle
King: yeah its a real whoopsie doodle
Poe: did we already tell him yes?
King: yeah
Poe: well criminy
Poe: not much we can do then
Poe: that'd be like going back on a pinkie swear
King: yeah it'd be like
King: kinda awkward
Poe: who was in charge of the paperwork
Poe: was it howard
David A Riley: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the nazi supermen who are our superiors
Riley: look, i'm a big fan of howard there
Riley: not of his writing so much
Riley: mostly just his racism
Riley: what if some dusky kids turned into big scary monsters and killed a nice unassuming white person?
Riley: what about that??
Riley: [sitting on chair backwards] i know it sounds like science fiction but actually this scenario is playing out everyday right here in Britain
Riley: the blacks and the jews are going to make the full english breakfast illegal, you know
Lovecraft: i-is that true??
King: ok you've had enough for tonight howard
Riley: and let me tell you what the hoodie scum are doing to the soil
King: listen david some of these ideas are a little
King: umm
King: they're a little
Barker: they suck
Barker: they suck ass
King: yes thank you clive
King: i think that says it all, really
Riley: i am being silenced!
King: we really don't think we should have actual nazis here
Riley: YOU ALL SAID I COULD
Riley: oh oh now you're going back on your word!!!
Riley: you know what that is????
Riley: UNETHICAL
Riley: this is all about ethics in campfire storytelling
King: yeah i think we kinda goofed letting a nazi in
Riley: you let howard stay here
King: well, howard's just howard
King: he's a lovable archie bunker kinda racist
Lovecraft: it's true, i am
King: see the thing with howard is
August Derleth: I'LL tell you the thing with howard
Derleth: he is only as racist as the average man of his time
Derleth: he didn't, like, run for office as an actual National Front candidate
Derleth: [turning to audience] you can google that
Riley: wow, so apparently just because i'm a literal nazi who literally ran for office as a nazi candidate
Riley: who wants to eradicate asians and jews
Riley: suddenly I'm not welcome here?
Riley: wow
Riley: just wow
Riley: that's fine, i don't need you anyway
Riley: i'll always be welcome in the pages of the Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction
Barker: yeah you sure about that pal?
Barker: feel like that might be a mistake
Riley: NO
Riley: IT IS NOT A MISTAKE
Riley: SHUT UP
***
Oscar Wilde: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the ugly painting
Wilde: but first
Wilde: some patented oscar wilde bon mots
Wilde: the only thing worse than being talked about is
Wilde: go ahead, guess
Mary Shelley: i ain't playing this game
Oscar Wilde: I hear some of you don't appreciate my bon mots
Poe: oh er
Poe: it's not that oscar
Poe: it's just that
Poe:
Poe: clive do you want to pitch in here?
Barker: no you're doing fine
Barker: haha
Wilde: what's the problem?
Poe: oh it's not you oscar, it's us
Poe: its just that your wit is too droll for this audience
Wilde: really? too droll?
Wilde:
Wilde: you're just saying that to be nice
Poe: no! NO of course not
Oscar Wilde: okay okay just give me another chance
Wilde: now this bon mot
Wilde: this one i think you're gonna like
Wilde: [clears throat]
Wilde: so why is it that you park on a driveway and
Barker: BOOO
Wilde: drive on a
Barker: BOOOOOOO
Wilde: ok ok just wait
Wilde: this next one
Wilde: oh boy
Wilde: this next one's gonna kill
Wilde: you ready for this one?? alright here it comes
Wilde: what's black and white and red all over
Barker: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Barker: BOOOOOOOO!!!
Wilde: [tugging collar] woof tough crowd tonight
Wilde: steve must be out sick
Wilde: better bring out the big guns
Wilde: ok so there's this traveling insurance saleman
Wilde: and there's this farmer with these 3 horny daughters
Barker: BOOO
Poe: clive
Barker: what? he sucks
Poe: yeah but
Poe: god, for pity's sake, clive
Poe: he's dying out there
King: look, oscar, maybe it's just that your style of humor isn't right for this crowd
Wilde: what kind of humor do you guys like
King: well, we're all horror writers
King: so kim newman
Kim Newman: [pulling up in a comically undersized bicycle as 'Entrance of the Gladiators' plays on calliope] DID SOMEONE SAY MY NAME???
Kim Newman: good evening ladies and germs [rimshot]
Newman: i just flew in from san francisco and boy are my arms tired [rimshot]
Newman: [waggles eyebrow, bowtie spins]
Barker: now THAT'S comedy
Poe: he's done it again!
Koontz: i like THESE bon mots!
Wilde:
***
Whitley Strieber: big news, Dreamland grey wolves!!!
Strieber: i have
Strieber: here in my hand
Strieber: proof of alien existence
Strieber: it turns out
Strieber: the truth WAS out there after all!
Strieber: check this out
Barker: it's a photo
Strieber: yes
Barker: of one of those spirit halloween foam rubber aliens
Strieber: y-NO
Barker: yeah i've seen these, the eyes light up when you stand on the sensor
Koontz: wow! real aliens!
Strieber: no you fools! look, to the untrained eye, this might look like a mere halloween prop
Strieber: but perhaps you didn't notice
Strieber: this alien has an absolutely massive vagina
Barker:
Barker: tell us more
Poe: clive
Barker: no edgar i know you want to hear this too
Strieber: see, that's the thing
Strieber: most people don't know that aliens have huge vaginas
Strieber: just gargantuan
King: he's right, actually
King: i did not know that
King: i'm learning so much today
Strieber: you usually don't see the gigantic yawning vaginas
Strieber: on account of the fact that they're usually wearing those sparkly silver jumpsuits with the zipper up the back
Strieber: but
Strieber: you know those aliens that abducted me?
Strieber: real big flappy pussies
Strieber: i showed this photo to my friend uri geller
Strieber: yeah and he agreed with me it's totally real
Strieber: and it's not like uri geller could be wrong about something like that
King:
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Koontz:
Poe: come on whitley, how do you know this is real at all?
Strieber: as it just so happens, i've asked an expert to look at it
Strieber: someone who spends all her time obsessively looking at genitals
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: [looking at photo] yessss
Rowling: now thiss iss an adult female alien that i would allow to ussse a resstroom
Rowling: i can tell this vagina iss real
Rowling: we can alwaysss tell
Rowling: because of the pixelsss and alssso having sseen quite a few vaginasss in my time
Rowling: thisss vagina isss real
Barker: it's very clearly made of foam rubber
Rowling: EXCUSSSE ME
Rowling: i think i know what a vagina looksss like
Rowling: like i wouldn't immediately recognize a sssingle hole usssed for copulatory, excremental and urinary functionsss!