Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 41
We’re gradually getting back to normal this week, so please enjoy the latest trailer for the upcoming Midnight Pals audio drama (comedy) podcast, this one featuring Edgar Allan Poe!! Thanks to some incredible work from our producer Robin Johnson and a stellar voice cast! (you will enjoy it)
https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/teaser-06-edgar-allan-poe-TGpVgAsWHere’s some Midnight Pals!
***
Stephen King: wow piers anthony you know my daughter is a big fan of your work
Piers Anthony: oh yeah girls love my books
Anthony: probably all the mentions of panties
Anthony: you know, they find that relatable
Anthony: cuz they wear them
King: yeah sure that makes sense
Stephen King: so I thought I would write some fantasy
Piers Anthony: you sure about that, steve? it's not that easy
King: oh c'mon how hard could it be
King: i mean it couldn't take that long
King: after all
King: time is PUNNY
Anthony:
Anthony: i take it back, you're a natural
King: ok so here's my fantasy story
King: so imagine, this evil magician has the crown prince locked in a really really really tall tower
JRR Tolkien: oh no!
GRR Martin: how does he get out?
King: oh that's the exciting part!
King: he spends 20 years sewing a rope out of napkins
King: luckily, this kingdom has an infinite supply of cloth napkins
King: because a previous queen had a napkin-sewing make-work program
King: so there's this HUGE fucking warehouse of single use cloth napkins
GRR Martin: wow you thought of everything
King: you guys don't seem so thrilled about my 20 year rope making plan?
Martin: it's kind of slow
CS Lewis: yeah kind of really slow
JRR Tolkien: i don't know what you two are talking about
Tolkien: i love this kind of fast paced, seat-of-your-pants action!
King: but hold on
King: i haven't even told you the best part
King: how does he make napkins into rope while he's in jail??
Tolkien: how does he
King: he has a dollhouse with a tiny working loom
Tolkien:
Brian Jacques: [squeaking] i use a tiny working dollhouse loom for a loom!
Stephen King: jeez piers i guess i just don't have the knack for fantasy
Piers Anthony: don't beat yourself up
King: how do YOU do it?
Anthony: i'll let you in on my secret, steve
Anthony: i have an infinite number of 12 year olds at an infinite number of word processors
Anthony: [opens door, revealing an infinite number of 12 year olds at an infinite number of word processors]
Anthony: soon they'll have written the greatest xanth novel known to man!
Anthony: [reading paper] "the color of her... blanties?!"
Anthony: [furious] stupid 12 year old!!
Anthony: take it from me, steve
Anthony: farming out the actual writing to random 12 year olds really leaves you time for the important stuff in life
Anthony: [huffs pair of panties]
King: and you don't find the writing suffers?
Anthony: [huffs panties again]
***
M. Lopes da Silva: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the hooker
da Silva: it’s about a hooker
da Silva: who hooks back
da Silva: Let me set the scene for ya
da Silva: 1984. Los Angeles. The city of angels.
da Silva: how ironic cuz there ain’t no angels in this neon hellscape of vaporwave squiggles and
da Silva: you know
da Silva: floating tiger stripe triangles against an electric checkerboard grid
da Silva: but watch out!
da Silva: there’s a killer stalking the city of angels
da Silva: a killer targeting sex workers
Stephen King: but surely they could go to the police for help!
da Silva: oh my sweet summer child
da Silva: there’s a beast terrorizing los angeles
da Silva: a beast with a badge
George Romero: ACAB
da Silva: yeah that’s right
da Silva: ACAB indeed
da Silva: until one hooker
da Silva: decides she’s had enough and she’s not gonna take it anymore
da Silva: she’s cleaning up the streets, one hook at a time
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
da Silva: i mean, that’s her weapon of choice
da Silva: a big hook
da Silva: see, you just spin it like this [drops scythe]
da Silva: no wait, let me try it again [drops scythe]
da Silva: no wait here, i got it [drops scythe]
King: i guess that’s a lot harder to wield than the movies let on
da Silva: GODDAMNIT i' almost got it [drops scythe]
da Silva: ok check it out
da Silva: watch, the avenging hooker’s all [drops scythe]
da Silva: DAMNIT
da Silva: well, just imagine i’m posing twirling it
da Silva: it would look real badass
King: oh yeah i can see it
Poe: that would be badass
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: good newss
Rowling: we've jusst achieved a major victory!
Rowling: transs women are now banned from competing in chesss b/c of their biological advantage
Rowling: i know this ssounds like a joke but for real
Rowling: for too long have transss women unfairly dominated the world of chesss
Rowling: with their incredible wrissst ssstrength, they're jussst too good at picking up thossse little piecesss and moving them around
Helen Joyce: the phenomenal wrist strength of trans women, like some kind of mad jungle ape, is a threat to the petite fragile bird-boned cis women of chess, so really the only logical response is to kill them all
Rowling: yess yess thisss sscansss
Jesse Singal: dark lord! dark lord! pick me!
Singal: i can think of another rationalization
Singal: i mean reason
Singal: for banning trans women from chess!
Rowling: yesss? Singal: they're born men, right? so that means they're smarter
Rowling:
Rowling: yess that sssounds right
Rowling: it'ss true, men do naturally have ssmarter brainss, too ssmart for biologically dumber women to compete with
Rowling: therefore we need to ban transs women
Rowling: we're really sstriking a blow for feminissm here aren't we?
Helen Joyce: lol don't ask me, i'm just a girl
JK Rowling: alssso trans men have to forfeit all previous pre-transssition victories
Rowling: no reasson for that one, jussst to be dicksss really
JK Rowling: our official terf death eater posssition isss now that women are biologically dumber than men
Helen Joyce: sounds great!
Maya Forstater: that's right!
Julie Bindel: [with red tape over mouth] Hmmm!
Allison Bailey: we demand to be taken seriously!
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
JK Rowling: today we begin our biggessssst challenge
Jesse Singal: bigger than convincing our terf legion that men have a special bone that makes them good at chess?
JK Rowling: no that was remarkably easssy actually
JK Rowling: today we rehabilitate graham lineham
Singal: b-but mommy!
Singal: graham lineham is the one terf too toxic for the BBC
Rowling: isss he? Rowling: the whole point of the BBC is to launder terfsss
Rowling: itsss time they ssstarted doing their job!
Rowling: maybe if we cleaned him up a little
Graham Lineham: FECK ARSE [vomits]
Rowling: we could try teaching him a few sssimple phrasses
Rowling: enough that he could move out of my basssement
Rowling: will you not just give it a go graham [pointing at blackboard on which is written "yes" and "I am being silenced for my views"]
Lineham: y-y-y
Rowling: yesss! yessss! keep going!!
Lineham: [inarticulate slurs]
Rowling:
Rowling: better
Rowling: come on graham i know you can do it
Lineham: [inarticulate slurs]
Rowling: graham if you sssay the line, there will be a little treat in it for you
Lineham: [inarticulate slurs]?
Rowling: yesss
Rowling: sssay the line
Rowling: and you can sssleep in your racecar bed
Rowling: finally! now graham is ready for hissss big debut on the BBC
Lineham: [inarticulate slurs]
Singal: golly mommy he sounds the same!
Rowling:
Rowling: yeah well
Rowling: they can fix it in possst
BBC Announcer: welcome to the BBC, coming up is Part 8 of Sir Nigel Hemmingwedge St. Plonkington's 12 part documentary on the St. Slurryshire cheesemonger guild, followed by Are You Being Served? and the Brexit is Going Great report
BBC Announcer: but first some light revisionism
BBC Announcer: joining us is graham lineham who has some views worth considering
Lineham: [vomits] FECK ARSE
Lineham: [inarticulate slurs]
JK Rowling: what graham meansss issss we jussst have sssome concernsss
Rowling: and you BETTER consssider them
Rowling: real nice sstudio you got here, BBC
Rowling: be a real shame if ssomething were to happen to it
Rowling: like, sssay, you had to film another cormoran ssstrike ssseries here
BBC Announcer: no no! anything but that! we'll consider your concerns!
Rowling: sssee that you do
***
Silvia Moreno-Garcia: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the big gothic house
Moreno-Garcia: in Mexico
Moreno-Garcia: you might even call it
Moreno-Garcia: mexican gothic
Moreno-Garcia: so there's this debutante from Mexico City
Moreno-Garcia: and she has to visit her cousin who's married this weird english guy
Moreno-Garcia: and now lives in this big creepy house in the boonies with his weirdly english family
Moreno-Garcia: being weirdly english
Moreno-Garcia: so the mexican woman from the big city has to deal with these weird secluded in-bred white people
Lovecraft: what kind of topsy turvy world is this
Lovecraft: up is down, black is white
Lovecraft: i just don't know what to believe!
Moreno-Garcia: these english people, let me tell you
Moreno-Garcia: they love to just sit around, being mopey, eating shitty english food, refusing to mix with the locals, formulating weird race science theories
Lovecraft: i really don't see the problem
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
King: oh mary you're just in time, silvia was telling a gothic story
Shelley: oh she's gonna tell a gothic story eh? you hear that fellas
Ann Radcliffe: i hear that
Matthew "Monk" Lewis: is that so
Shelley: my original goths will be the judge of this
Shelley: you think you're gonna do some gothic? that's cute
Shelley: has the family patriarch got a dead wife?
Moreno-Garcia: he's got two
Shelley: oh damn i take it back
Shelley: that IS gothic
Lewis: that's hard core
Radcliffe: TWO dead wives?!??!
Moreno-Garcia: and there's a family plot that's got marble busts of the dead wife
Shelley: oh hell yeah that's the way to do it
Lewis: you gotta have the busts
Radcliffe: oh yeah definitely you gotta have em
Shelley: how about this protagonist? pale, likes to faint, right?
Moreno-Garcia: no she loves to party and smoke cigarettes
Shelley:
Lewis:
Radcliffe:
Shelley: damn what a twist!
Lewis: i never considered that angle
Radcliffe: a whole new grid