Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 37
As you know, the Midnight Pals are being adapted into the medium of SOUND, so I’m really jazzed to be able to share the another teaser trailer! This one’s got Lovecraft!
This is definitely going to be lit, as the kids say, when it drops! I’m really excited about what we’ve got so far, all due to the hard work of producer Robin Johnson and an incredible cast including Jason Robinson (King), Rodrigo Borges (Poe), Sister Indica (Barker), Wren Montgomery (Koontz), Rebecca D’Souza (Shelley), Robin Johnson (Lovecraft), and so many more! (And maybe even a couple fun celebrity guests!) Hey, I bet you folks would like to know what the actual URL for the podcast will be? Check out Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals right here
Heyyyy it’s da Midnight Pals!
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: what newssss of the terf fight
Kathleen Stock: great news, dark lord!
Stock: you know how we've been planning to extend our hate campaign to include lesbians?
Rowling:
Stock: well, italy is going to remove lesbian parents from birth certificates
Rowling: oh good!
Rowling: i guessss we can finally punt the L off of LGB alliance
Rowling: funny, i alwaysss figured that B would be the firssst to go
Rowling: life comess at you fassst
Rowling: i know i wass banging on re how we had to eliminate the transs to protect lessbianss
Rowling: and now people are mad i'm ok w lessbianss going under the buss
Rowling: but i think the people of italy have labored too long under the yoke of oppressive lesbian recognition
Rowling: i'm very concerned with the rightss of lessbiansss
Rowling: i mean, i FEEL the pain of the lessbianss
Rowling: i'm bassically an honorary lessbian mysself
[lesbians rights are attacked]
Rowling: new phone, who diss?
Rowling: those sssilly lesssbianss, worrying about losssing their parental rightsss!
Rowling: don't they know that if their rightss were actually under attack i would be marching with them?
Rowling: and i don't ssee myself marching here
Rowling: ergo they musst be fine!
Stock: but dark lord, won't think upset the lesbian members of the LGB alliance?
Rowling: do we actually have any lessbian membersss?
Stock: no our membership is entirely comprised of sackville-baggins hobbits
***
Darren Aronofsky: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the whale
Stephen King: wow! sounds like a whale of a -
Aronofsky: do not patronize me
Aronofsky: i am no peddler of cheap thrills
Aronofsky: no two-bit carnival hack frightening children with spooks and spectres
Aronofsky: i am an artist laying bare the true horror of human existence
Aronofsky: like what if a guy ate 2 pizzas
Aronofsky: this is the story of a guy who's so fat
Aronofsky: that when you see him, all you feel is disgust
Aronofsky: but not in a trashy way
Aronofsky: But it’s all shot by Herb Ritz so it’s really beautiful and you feel sorry for him
Aronofsky: ok picture this
Aronofsky: this guy is so fat, he doesn't eat like a human
Aronofsky: he eats like a monster
Aronofsky: like a cookie monster!
Aronofsky: it really makes you think
Aronofsky: just imagine
Aronofsky: he's making anchovy & nutella sandwiches
Aronofsky: limburger & siracha cake
Aronofsky: you know, just eating like a cartoon character
Aronofsky: but we'll play the jaws theme while it happens so you know its scary
Stephen King: my god, this is the most terrifying story I've ever heard!
Aronofsky: just wait
Aronofsky: imagine we turn up the constant snorting & belching that a fat person does so you don't miss a SECOND
King: my god!!
King: and they call ME the master of the macabre!
Aronofsky: ok so the fat guy is a professor at a college
Aronofsky: but he's so fat that he has to zoom his lectures
Aronofsky: i've been working on this script for 10 years but its really lucky that covid happened or this detail wouldn't really make sense
Aronofsky: but when he's in the depths of a pizza binge, he emails his students all "fuck essays!! write me something honest!!"
Aronofsky: like some real dead poets society shit
Aronofsky: but turns out his students are nerds who love writing essays, so they get him fired instead
Aronofsky: in his last lecture, the fat guy is all "some of you wrote essays of heartbreaking honesty"
Aronofsky: and then he reads those essays to the whole class
Aronofsky: which would be kind of fucked up
Aronofsky: but luckily they didn't actually say anything interesting
Aronofsky: they all wrote "my parents are annoying"
Aronofsky: and "sometimes i feel sad"
Aronofsky: but the fat guy is so moved that he turns on his zoom camera
Aronofsky: to reveal the awful truth of his fatness!!
Stephen King: this story is getting way too scary for me
Aronofsky: the kids are shocked!
Aronofsky: they thought he kept his camera turned off because he was a chiseled adonis
Aronofsky: but now they know the awful truth that their professor is fat!
Aronofsky: then the fat guy smashes his computer
Aronofsky: in a fit of fat rage
Stephen King: wow! this story is terrifying! it just gives me chills!
King: maybe we can have a nice happy story to calm us all down next
King: hey meg why don't you tell us that nice story about the pill?
Meg Elison:
Elison: what
King: yeah you know that happy story about the pill that lets you lost weight instantly?
Elison: that's not a happy story
King: what? yeah, it is!
King: they lose weight!
King: now that's what i call hopepunk!
Elison: OH
Elison: MY
Elison: GOD