Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 31
Big news! I’ve been hinting about the Midnight Pals upcoming adaption into the medium of SOUND for a while, so I’m really jazzed to be able to share the first teaser trailer!
This is definitely going to be lit, as the kids say, when it drops! I’m really excited about what we’ve got so far, all due to the hard work of producer Robin Johnson and an incredible cast including Jason Robinson (King), Rodrigo Borges (Poe), Sister Indica (Barker), Wren Montgomery (Koontz), Rebecca D’Souza (Shelley), Robin Johnson (Lovecraft), and so many more! (And maybe even a couple fun celebrity guests!)
Well, here’s some Midnight Pals!
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm happy to report a terrible injussstice has been rectified
Rowling: oxfam made a video in sssupport of pride month
Rowling: but we sssoon put a ssstop to that!
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Barker:
Barker: oh man i bet this story is a real fuckin doozy
Rowling: sssseee this video included a caricature of me
Rowling: and that is illegal
Poe: caricatures are illegal?
Rowling: in england, yesss
Rowling: but only in regardsss to me
Rowling: we've written sssome new lawsss recently you ssee
Barker: so they had a caricature of you
Rowling: yesss
Barker: you mean the demon terf with the glowing red monster eyes?
Rowling: yesss
Barker: and you were all oh that's obviously me
Poe: clive
Barker: bah bah bah i'm not done edgar
Barker: so you see those glowing red monster eyes and you're all like that's me, that's totally me
Barker: no doubt in your mind
Barker: when you see a cartoon demon with glowing red monster eyes
Barker: that that is you
Rowling:
Rowling: the point wasssn't jussst the monssster eyesss!
Rowling: you know who else draws caricaturesss?
Rowling: the nazisss
Rowling: who are bad!
Rowling: except when they show up to our terf deatheater ralliesss
Rowling: then they are very very good!
Barker: so wait
Barker: are nazis good or bad
Rowling: oh don't be ridiculousss of coursse i'm not sssaying naziss are good
Barker:
Barker:
Poe: clive
Barker: wait for it
Rowling: i'm jusst ssaying they have ssome good ideass
Barker: there it is
Rowling: anyway we yelled online at oxfam til they took it down
Barker: huh thats weird, you seem to get real big mad when trans people yell online Rowling: no no it'sss different when we do it
Barker: how so
Rowling: we also do bomb threatsss
***
King: hey have you guys heard about this new thing?
King: it’s called cozy horror!
Poe: whats that?
King: I’m not entirely sure
King: but it seems to be quite the discourse
Barker: oh cool
Barker: cool cool cool
King: well do you guys remember when we had the elevated horror discourse? Barker: no
King: come on sure you do!
King: it lasted a whole hot minute
King: so I learned about this new thing called cozy horror
King: in an article from the Mary Sue
Barker: ohhhh the mary sue
Barker: now I get it
Barker: why are you doing this to us steve
Barker: this is gonna be hopepunk discourse all over again
King: now listen guys
King: I know you might think horror is just slasher films
King: but there’s all different kinds of horror!
King: it doesn’t even have to be scary!
Barker: get outta town!
Barker: no I mean it
Barker: get outta town
Barker: get the fuck outta town
John Clute: [chewing on pipe] ah yes well
Clute: what you’re thinking of there, steve, is termed affect horror
Clute: now that should be differentiated as horror as understood as a narrative theory
Clute: proceeding through 4 distinct stages
Barker: oh my god shut up you nerd
King: see cozy horror
King: is any horror without gore
King: or sometimes its just gothic
Poe: steve, this concept seems kind of ill-defined
King: hold on edgar I’m just getting started
King: or sometimes it’s a cartoon with a funny Dracula in it
King: there’s a kind of cozy horror called folk horror
Ramsey Campbell: whats this now?
King: folk horror
King: it’s brand new
Campbell: I’ll have to look into this
Campbell: I need to check this out
Campbell: [pulling out pencil & notepad] could you spell it for me?
King: F O L
Campbell: whoa slow down a bit
King: F
King: O
Campbell: [scribbling notes] F
Campbell: O...
Barker: so what is this? Just horror that’s... nice?
John Wiswell: well gosh you guys
Wiswell: I think I can help with this one
Barker: oh christ here we go
Koontz: [clapping] yay! John wiswell! Yay!
Wiswell: what if
Wiswell: a ghost just wanted to be your friend?
Barker: we have that already
Barker: hes called caspar
Koontz: oh! I know that one!
Koontz: he’s the friendly ghost
King: could it be that we’re all misunderstanding the term
King: perhaps the real cozy horror
King: was the friends we made along the way
***
Harry Turtledove: greetings citizens of earth 12, do not be alarmed
Poe: oh hi harry
Turtledove: ah you know me?
Turtledove: i've passed this way...
Turtledove: before?
Turtledove: [adjusting handheld device] hm the dimensional transmogrifier got decalibrated
Turtledove: it must have been the negative chronobytes from that ion storm on earth 27⁸
Barker: oh yeah definitely that's what did it
Poe: clive
Barker: definitely the negative chronobits
Turtledove: Quick! what year is this?
Poe: it's 2023
Turtledove: and the president?
Poe: it's biden
Turtledove: and the coelacanth? still extinct?
Poe:
Poe: actually you're never gonna believe this
Turtledove: no! nooo! i'm in the wrong world again!
Turtledove: quick show me some of your world's great art
Turtledove: then i can get my bearings
Dan Simmons: oh you're gonna love this
Simmons: check this out
Simmons: it's donald trump but he's super buff
Simmons: just absolutely ripped
Simmons: see its trump but he's so swole
Simmons: that he can break the chains of liberal oppression with his bare hands
Simmons: and look at that glorious full head of hair!
Simmons: i wish he was my dad
Simmons: and here you see swole Trump beating up some traitorous democrats
Simmons: and some america hating protesters
Simmons: and some italians
Lovecraft: you know
Lovecraft: these paintings make a strong point!
Turtledove: ah typical fascist art
Simmons: pffft oh typical LIEberal! everything's fascist to you!
Simmons: next you'll say there's something fascist about worshipping our supreme leader as the god made flesh that he is
Simmons: what do you know about fascism anyway?
Turtledove: i have a history PhD, write extensively on fascism, and have personally visited over 80fx&⁵ timelines where america has devolved into fascist authoritarianism
Turtledove: however
Turtledove: this timeline is the dumbest
Turtledove: i must go now
Turtledove: and continue my quest to restore the proper timeline
Poe: oh? whats the proper timeline like
Turtledove:
Turtledove: its not all that different honestly
Turtledove:
Turtledove: except that humans evolved from raccoons