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June 5, 2023

Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 30

Here’s some Midnight Pals!

***

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Koontz: i don't want to!!!
King: dean you're overreacting
Koontz: no! no!
King: dean its brian and mary's wedding
King: you have to look nice
King: let me tie this tie
Koontz: [exaggerated choking noises]
King: dean it's not even that tight!

Barker: are you guys almost ready
Barker: we're going to be late for the wedding
King: give me a second, i'm just tying dean's tie
Barker: oh my god
Barker: just get him a clip-on and let's fucking go

Lovecraft: [reading invite] sangiovanni
Lovecraft: is
Lovecraft: is that an italian name?

Poe:
Poe: uhhhh
Barker: yes it is howard
Barker: yes it is
Poe: clive this is really not the
Poe: you know he's going to make a scene clive
Barker: yes

SanGiovanni: everyone welcome to our wedding
SanGiovanni: and dean koontz! don't you look handsome
Koontz: [sullenly] my suit itches
King: dean! i've had just about enough of your attitude, young man!
King: really, i just don't know whats got into him today

Maurice Broaddus: if we can begin
Broaddus: where's the groom?
Brian Keene:
Keene: wait a second
Keene: [checks socks]
Keene: oh! here I am!

Maurice Broaddus: if anyone has reason that these two should not be joined in holy matrimony
Broadus: speak now or forever hold your peace
Lovecraft: [sweats]
Lovecraft: [sweating intensifies]

Sonia Greene: what a lovely ceremony!
Greene: don't you agree howard?
Lovecraft: [sweats] i
Lovecraft: do you know sangiovanni is an italian name
Greene: yes howard
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: does
Lovecraft: does brian know

Lovecraft: someone should tell him
Lovecraft: what will the children look like
Lovecraft: like a hybrid race of fish monsters, that's what
Greene: howard how many of these champagne flutes have you had
Lovecraft: i've just been drinking harmless postum this whole time

Brian Keene: truly ours is a love as long as the clitellum of an earthworm god
Keene: as strong as the carapace of a monstrous zombie crab
Keene: forged in the blazing hellflames of the centralia mine fire
Mary Sangiovanni: we wrote our own vows
Maurice Broaddus: yeah i can tell

King: congratulations brian!
King: where's the happy couple going for their honeymoon?
Brian Keene: the butte county earthworm soil factory
Keene: some of the worms are almost 8 inches long

Mary Sangiovanni: haha very funny you know we're going to the Tom Bishop Chicago International doll house Miniature Show
Keene: 8 inches! imagine!

***

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm back
Poe:
Rowling: and I'm
Rowling: HIGHLY dissssappointed
Barker: oh good!
Barker: i can't wait to hear this one

Rowling: people keep accusssing my terf deatheatersss of being nazissss!
Barker: is it because of all the nazis at your rallies
Rowling: you can't prove that
Barker: what about these photos & videos of nazis at your rallies
Rowling: oh pffft!
Rowling: proof!
Rowling: you can ussse proof to prove anything!

JK Rowling: why do people keep thinking we're nazisss?
Barker: hm if you're not nazis, why do nazis keep showing up at your rallies
Rowling: becaussse we invited them, duh!
King: oh she's got you there, clive
Barker: no she really doesn't

Rowling: i'm not a nazi
Rowling: i'm jussst sssomeone who sssincerely believesss that certain people ssshouldn't have rightsss
Rowling: and alssso ssshould be exterminated
Rowling: alsssso sssome of you ssshould have certain shapesss sssewn on to your clothesss
Rowling: you know to make you eassier to identify
Rowling: for
Rowling: for reasonssss

Rowling: look, there'sss been over 400 bills across your United States to eradicate transss people
Rowling: which i think is a reasonable and measured response to trans people being rude online sometimes

Rowling: lisssten, i think itsss great that florida has legalized the kidnapping of transss kids
Rowling: and the children of transss adultsss
Rowling: and any kid who has any trans relative
Rowling: and any kid who some rando might accuse of being in danger of seeing a trans person
Rowling: theresss no way this can go wrong!

Rowling: i don't underssstand why transss people are ssso attached to their kidsss anyway
Rowling: itsss no big deal
Rowling: they should just have precocial young like i do!

Rowling: anyway, it'sss for the good of the poor defenssselessss children
Barker: then why did they force detransition all the adults too
Rowling: becaussse when they turn 18, they metamorph into bathroom pervertsss

Rowling: now then it'sss libelousss to NOT watch kathleen ssstock's new movie
Barker: oh man is it another movie about how she was cancelled
Barker: oh boy i just love hearing that story
Barker: over and over and over
Rowling:
Rowling: we really gotta get that pink triangle badge thing going again

Rowling: ok now you all have to watch kathleen ssstock's new movie
Rowling: now before i put this on ssscreen, kathleen
Rowling: you're SSSURE thisss isss the right tape right?
Rowling: you didn't accidently mix it up with your blueberry fetish sex tape again did you
Kathleen Stock:
Stock: [sweats] uh no

Rowling: alright everyone, eyes on the ssscreen
Rowling: we're all going to watch "Cancelled Part XII: The Kathleen Stock Story Continues"
TV: Oompah Loompah Doompity Doo--
[Kathleen Stock lunging to shut off TV]

TV: oh no she's got to be juiced immediately
Stock: [wildly mashing VCR buttons] why won't the tape stop?!
Stock: did someone
Stock: did someone get spaghetti in the tape slot
Allison Bailey: [sweats]

***

Koontz: submitted for the approval of the midnight society
Koontz: i
Koontz: phew
Poe: what's the matter dean
Koontz: i don't know, telling stories is such hard work
Koontz: there's got to be a better way

L Ron Hubbard: hey friends its me your old pal honest ron
Hubbard: listen friend i hear ya
Hubbard: making stories takes it outta ya
Koontz: that's for sure!
Hubbard: all day long, slaving over a hot laptop, til your hands are calloused and wrinkled
Koontz: and how!

Hubbard: listen friends i got the solution to all your problems right here
Koontz: tell me more!
Hubbard: a genuine bonified, eletrified wonder! it splices, it dices, but it won't write about vices
Hubbard: we call it
Hubbard: The AI
Koontz: gosh!

King: careful dean, i don't know if we should trust honest ron
King: i've been burned before
Hubbard: listen friend i know you're still sore about the apes
Hubbard: but this time
Hubbard: it's totally different!
King: oh well in that case

King: how does it work
Hubbard: all you gotta do is, you put your prompt in this slot here
Hubbard: and your story comes out this slot here
King: wow!
King: and to think all these years i've been using my brain like a chump!

Hubbard: every home in america's gonna have an AI! but you better hurry... they're going fast!
Koontz: fast? oh no! are there any left?
Hubbard: hold on
Hubbard: why you're in luck my friend
Hubbard: looks like we have just one left in stock!
Koontz: phew what a relief!

Hubbard: here you go friend, pleasure doing business with you
Koontz: phew glad i was fast!
King: can i get one?
Hubbard: sure friend
Hubbard: oh what luck, looks like we just found another one in the back
Lovecraft: what about me?
Hubbard: did i say one? two, TWO in the back!

Hubbard: [counting stack of bills] pleasure doing business with you chum..........................................p
Hubbard: oh i got this machine that can paint a star on your belly too if anyone's interested in that

Poe: what are you guys doing
Koontz: we all got AI story generators! now we don't have to write ever again!
King: thats right! writers are totally superfluous now, i
King:
King: oh no
King: did i play myself
Poe: you played yourself

King: lets see how this AI generates stories
Margaret Atwood [under cardboard box, through vocoder]: please insert prompt into content-slop-o-tron™
King: ok i
King: wait a minute
King: this isn't an AI at all!!!
King: we've been hornswaggled!

Poe: welcome to the campfire for authors that gather around this campfire
King: here is a story in the style of stephen king, which contains scares & chills, before reaching a conclusion at which point it ends
Koontz: SYNTAX ERROR
Mary Shelley: [clipping through wall] sup fuckers

Shelley: [pulling out shiv] I cannot fulfill this request. It is not appropriate to generate content that promotes harmful stereotypes or promotes unhealthy behaviors

***

Tim Boucher: hello fellow authors!
Boucher: it's me, tim Boucher -- author!
Boucher: and boy, as an author, let me tell you
Boucher: us authors sure love to author around
Poe: something's not right here

Boucher: i've written 97 stories in the last month!
Boucher: while we're talking, i'm writing 3 more
King: that's impossible! no one can write that fast
King: except for mercedes lackey
Poe: oh yeah she's like a machine

Boucher: yup yup i wrote 97 stories in the last month
Poe: how's that possible
Boucher: well see i bought this thing from l ron hubbard
Poe: ah ok now i get it

Boucher: that's right, I'm an author!
Boucher: as you can see by my card
Boucher: [hands business card that says "Tim Boucher, Author"]
Boucher: and my hat
Boucher: [points to hat that says "Authhor" in sequins]
Poe: so what do you write?
Boucher: write?

Boucher: today's modern a-go-go authors don't write!
Boucher: we have the AI do it for us
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Boucher: the future is now!

Boucher: i wrote 97 stories
Barker: well i've never heard of you
Boucher: oh you will!
Boucher: i'm getting lots of media attention for being the guy who wrote 97 stories with AI!

Boucher: you fat cat writers have hogged all the glory for too long!
Boucher: what about all the talentless hacks out there?
Boucher: you saying we shouldn't get the glory just cuz we're bad at our jobs?
Boucher: sounds kind of elitist to me!

Boucher: now that we can just have computers to write for us
Boucher: now everyone can enjoy the life of a rich successful author!
Boucher: [cashing 2 cent royalty check] yeah see this is what you fat cats were trying to keep away from us!

Gretchen Felker-Martin: see the thing about writing is
Felker-Martin: you do the work or it doesn't get done
Tim Boucher: not anymore!
Boucher: [ladling out slop] here, everyone! have some slop!
Boucher: don't hold back, there's plenty for everyone!

***

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i bring excellent newssss
Rowling: i have received word that a very prominent horror writer might be
Rowling: amenable
Rowling: to our
Rowling:
Rowling: well i don't want to ssay hate group

Kathleen Stock: an actual horror writer?
Rowling: yess
Stock: this will be a great addition to our team of failed lawyers, disgraced academics, unknown cartoonists and divorced guys
Stock: finally people will take us seriously!

Rowling: yess an actual horror writer
Stock: i can't believe you finally got a midnight society convert! after all these years!
Stock: please say its roald dahl
Stock: i have so much i need to ask him!
Stock: [sweats] i need
Stock: i need to know where i can get some of that gum

[meanwhile]
Whitley Strieber: hi everyone welcome to dreamland
Strieber: the podcast that asks the questions the Bilderberg illuminati reverse vampires don’t want you to know
Strieber: today we're looking at trans people
Strieber: and what they're doing to the soil

Strieber: so anyway women are defined by chromosomes that's a fact
King:
Koontz:
Poe:
Barker:
Barker: whitley why are you talking about this
Strieber: i just thought
Strieber: i just thought you'd all want to hear my opinion

Strieber: i mean, everyone's talking about the trans
Strieber: they're in all the newspapers
Strieber: i thought it was the style to have hot takes about them
King:
Koontz:
Poe:
Barker:
Barker: lol happy pride month everyone!

Strieber: anyway i have opinions on trans people
Barker: didn't you get abducted by aliens once
Strieber: i didn't say aliens, i just said mysterious beings
Strieber: possibly from another dimension
Strieber: i'm not a crazy person

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