Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 29
It’s a quiet week because I was preparing for a Memorial Day weekend beach trip and now I’m here at the beach now! (or not, depending on when you read this!) But here’s something cool: Have you ever wanted to be part of Midnight Pals? Of course ya do! We’re doing auditions for episode 4 of our podcast, and THIS ONE is Sherlock Holmes related! It’s full of juicy roles — Sherlock Holmes. Dr Watson, Prof Moriarty, some other guys… For more information, check out our call on Casting Call Club!
Here’s some Midnight Pals!
***
Arthur Machen: now see, some people think that true evil is when a person, like, does a murder or something
Machen: but i propose that true evil
Machen: is when you see a real fucked up tree
King:
Poe:
Algernon Blackwood: now hold on here
Blackwood: i think he's on to something
Samantha Eaton: oh you think a weird tree is scary?
Eaton: check this
Eaton: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the evil tree
Eaton: what if there was a tree
Eaton: that was SO evil
Machen: now we're talking
Eaton: you ever just think about the forest
Eaton: the deep, wintery stillness of the forest
Eaton: you could just vanish into the eternal night of the woods
Eaton: like the trees just ate you up
Koontz: the trees eat you up!?
King: no dean its a metaphor
Eaton: is it tho?
Eaton: when you disappear into the deep woods, its like the trees just ate you up
Eaton: you know those trees
Eaton: always hungry, always ravenous
Eaton: always ready to gobble you up
Eaton: nom nom nom
Eaton: thats the sound the trees make
Eaton: so the woods are so deep and dark
Eaton: like its going to swallow you up
Eaton: but also there's an evil tree that does eat you
Eaton: cuz there's a monster in it
Eaton: there's this fucked up tree that if you carve your name in it, you die
King: oh shit is that for real?
Eaton: that's the story
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
King: where can we find this tree
Eaton: you all want to carve your names in this tree?
King: of course!
King: you can't just tell us that there's a fucked up tree where you die if you carve your name into it and expect us NOT to want to carve our names into it
King: i mean, c'mon!
Mary Shelley: i ain't scared of a fucking tree
Shelley: [flipping switchblade] this tree tries any shit, i'll fuckin stab it
Eaton: that'll just make things worse!
Eaton: i mean, you're just making ANOTHER mark on it
Shelley: RIP to that guy, but i'm different
***
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of faust
Goethe: so this guy sells his soul to the devil to get the ultimate knowledge
Goethe: oh the guy's name is faust by the way
Goethe: so part 1 is all about faust trying to bang this one hottie
Goethe: part 2 is where we just go off the rails
Goethe: he meets dante!
Goethe: and the devil invents fiat currency!
Goethe: we need to go back on the gold standard btw
Barker: oh christ here we go
Goethe: so faust anyway is despairing about the vanity of scientific, humanistic, and religious scholarship
Brian Yuzna: hey do you take creative criticism
Goethe: yeah?
Yuzna: this sucks
Yuzna: this is boring, people don't wanna hear about Faust the scholar
Yuzna: they wanna hear about Faust the action star
Goethe:
Yuzna: see, what if Faust was like a vigilante with big old wolverine claws?
Goethe:
Goethe: that would be badass
Yuzna: yes! exactly!
Yuzna: ok so what if faust sold his soul to the devil for revenge after some gangsters killed his girlfriend?
Yuzna: but then the devil tricks him and is all 'ha ha now you have to kill the chinese ambassador for me!'
Yuzna: 'make sure you make some wacky quips when you do it'
Goethe: why does the devil want to kill the chinese ambassador
Yuzna: details! you're getting bogged down with details!
Yuzna: so the devil wants to use john jaspers to kill people
Goethe: john who?
Yuzna: john jaspers. that's what we call faust now
Goethe: his name's not faust anymore?
Yuzna: no no man get with the program!
Yuzna: it's john jaspers
Yuzna: we'll still call the story Faust tho
Goethe: aren't people going to be confused if we call the story faust but the guy isn't named faust?
Yuzna: ok look
Yuzna: when the devil kills him, we'll have him buried under a tombstone that says 'faust'
Yuzna: happy?
Goethe: Goethe: but if his name is john jaspers why would the tombstone say
Yuzna: oh my god i can't work under these conditions
Yuzna: ok so the devil has this sexy assistant with big tits
Edward Lee: yeah boi
Yuzna: you like that? well hold on to your hats
Yuzna: cuz you're gonna love this
Yuzna: you like when a girl has big tits?
Lee: you know it
Yuzna: ok so picture this
Yuzna: what if she turns into a wet blob monster made out of giant tits and ass cheeks
Lee:
Yuzna: pretty hot huh?
Lee:
Lee:
Lee: i can work with that
Hailey Piper: i feel like this story is missing something
Yuzna: what's that?
Piper: dunno, just feeling the absence of a something that should have a certain thrill
Yuzna: what
Piper: and a certain smell
Yuzna: what are you talking about
Cynthia Pelayo: NO