Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 28
I wish I had better news this week, but unfortunately I just lost my job of 10 years. I’m not in a bad situation — I have some steady freelance income and my wife has always been the real breadwinner of the household anyway, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t steamed about the situation. Ah well! As mad as I am right now, I’ll get over it and survive XP
I’m not in any dire straits, nothing’s really hurt but my pride, but I’ll still mention, just for the heck of it, that I do have a Patreon that I use as a tip jar, just FYI XD
Well here’s some Midnight Pals:
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh jk rowling
Poe: great to see you again
Poe:
Poe: in theory
Barker: ha ha ha
Poe: clive i'm not in the mood
Rowling: i jusst sslithered in to tell you
Rowling: my terf deatheaterss got a big celebrity get
Rowling: bc if a quorum of celebrities agree a particular minority group shouldn’t have rightss
Rowling: then itss legally binding
Rowling: that'ss jusst the law, you know
Barker: damn who’s your big celebrity get this time
Barker: did you find another 90s webcomic guy?
Rowling: no
Rowling: shut up we got a real one thissss time!
Rowling: we got john cleesssse
Barker: haha oh damn john cleese huh?
Barker: damn I didn’t even know he was divorced!
Rowling: we have a python!! Beat that!
Barker: hey why don’t they ever interview eric idle about this
Rowling:
Barker: whats eric idle’s take
Rowling:
Barker: people should be asking where’s eric idle
John Cleese: so apparently it’s transphobic to hate on trans people?
Cleese: well by that logic, then criticizing me is CLEESE PHOBIC
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Barker: ah ha ha
Barker: you really thought you had something there
Cleese: if anyone calls me a bigot, that means they’re cleese phobic
Lovecraft: w-wait
Lovecraft: is that the way it works?
Poe: no howard
Lovecraft: t-this changes everything!
Poe: no howard
Poe: now look what you’ve done
Poe: howard don’t start
Lovecraft: I-I’m sorry edgar it sounds like you’re being kind of lovecraftphobic
Barker: ha ha ha
Poe: don’t encourage him clive
Barker: no I really want to see where this goes
Lovecraft: s-so i have some theories about the celestial-
Poe: howard no
Lovecraft: e-excuse me that’s very lovecraftophobic
Lovecraft: I find it very othering
Lovecraft: what about MY free speech?
Barker: ah ha ha omg
Barker: the little shit catches on fast
***
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Poe: oh mary
Poe: sit down
Poe: we have some bad news
Poe: it’s about percy
Mary Shelley: what about percy
Poe: he’s been rusticated
Mary Shelley: the fuck
Poe: yes he’s been rusticated
Mary Shelley: rusticated for…?
Poe: yes rusticated for contumacy
Mary Shelley: aw shit, not contumacy!
Mary Shelley: aw shit what the fuck
Mary Shelley: level with me
Mary Shelley: which of you motherfuckers put him up to this
Poe: mary, we had nothing to do-
Mary Shelley: he wrote an essay on the necessity of atheism and sent it to the heads of oxford college
Mary Shelley: I know one of you fuckers is behind this
Mary Shelley: I’m looking at you, wrath james white
Mary Shelley: you’re telling me my boy got rusticated
Poe: yes for contumacy
Mary Shelley: fucking rusticated for contumacy!
Mary Shelley: motherfucking contumacy!
Barker: I’m sorry we’re just gonna keep pretending these are real words?
Barker: ok sure
Mary Shelley: for real, who put him up to this
Mary Shelley: I’m not mad, I just wanna talk
Poe: well I don’t want to name names
Mary Shelley: I will end you
Poe: it was Thomas Jefferson hogg
Poe: Thomas Jefferson hogg, he’s the one
Mary Shelley: percy
Percy Shelley: yes dear
Mary Shelley: did you write an essay on the necessity of atheism and send it to the heads of oxford college
Percy Shelley: yes dear
Mary Shelley:
Mary Shelley: oh my god you fucking stud take me now
***
HP Lovecraft: S-submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the swarthy foreigner
King: c’mon howard really
Lovecraft: t-this is cancel culture
King:
King: howard
King: you can’t keep doing this
Lovecraft: t-this is cancel culture
King: clive did you really have to teach him that phrase
King: I mean yeah it was funny at first
King: but its really starting to get kinda annoying
Barker: ha ha it’s still funny
Lovecraft: this is c-cancel culture
Barker: this will never be not funny
Lovecraft: t-this is cancel culture
Barker: ah ha ha he said it again!
Barker: the absolute madman!!!
Lovecraft: i-I’m being cancelled for my beliefs
Pamela Paresky: hey my adrenochrome-drinking libertarian race realist friends and i saw you across the bar and we really dig your vibe. Can we buy you a drink?
Pamela Paresky: I like the way you speak your mind
Paresky: I’d like to invite you to join our club
Paresky: we call ourselves “the thought criminals”
Paresky: because we’re all thought criminals
Paresky: some of us are sex criminals too
Paresky: we have free thinkers here, running the gamut from sex criminal libertarians to accused sex criminal libertarians
Paresky: this is a safe space for us free thinkers
Lovecraft: c-can i
Lovecraft: can I say my cat’s name
Paresky: oh yes
Paresky: absolutely
Paresky: let’s get some heterodox thoughts going in here
Joshua Katz: black people shouldn’t be so loud when cops beat them
Sarah Rose Siskind: and they really shouldn’t be in college
Emma Green: wow! These are some interesting viewpoints!
Green: much to consider
Paresky: as you can see the thought criminals are a contemptible lot of cads, bounders and tiger stabbers
Paresky: no opinion is too outrageous to be shared here
Joyce Carol Oates: [kicking in door]
Paresky: oh shit no
Oates: you the thought criminals?
Paresky: n-no joyce please
Oates: cuz i got some thought crimes to commit
Paresky: no joyce stop!!
Oates: first of all whats the deal with halloween
Paresky: [weeping] she's too powerful!! make her stop!!!
***
Robert Chambers: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the yellow sign
Chambers: the scary part is that its yellow
Barker: how do you figure
Chambers: well, it’s the scariest color
Barker:
Barker: what
Chambers: yellow is the scariest color
Barker: what the hell are you talking about
Lovecraft: no he’s right
Barker: oh well of course YOU’D think so howard
Barker: you just agree with anything that Robert says
Barker: also you know the racism
King: well think about it
King: [musical accompaniment swells] you couldn’t have the king in yellow without yellow
King: could you?
Barker: what's going on here
King: you couldn’t have the yellow sign without yellow
King: could you?
Barker: i swear to god if this is a musical number
King: you couldn’t have the yellow wallpaper without yellow
King: could you?
King: you couldn’t have the once yellow house without yellow
King: could you?
Lovecraft: and you can’t have a yellow peril without yellow!
King: you couldn't
King:
King: you’re not helping howard
***
Joyce Carol Oates: [busting down door] buckle up fucklechucks
Oates: Oates the GOATS is back
Oates: and i got a hot take straight off the griddle for ya
Oates: careful!
Oates: it's
Oates: spicy!!!
Oates: so people are so depressed these days
Oates: always talking about how they feel nothing but despair and all they see ahead is despair and doom
Oates: the world is a fuck
Oates: well, i got a message for you people
Oates: how bout you all just SHUT UP
Oates: people are all talking about how they're depressed
Oates: maybe keep that to yourself
Oates: you think I wanna hear that?
Oates: hell no, it's depressing!
Oates: what happened to the good old days when you would just bottle that shit up?
Oates: now those were the days!
Poe: joyce, you can't tell people to not talk about their feelings
Poe: traditionally, writers have mined depression for some of the greatest works of art and-
Oates: Ohhhh my god you're depressed? should we tell everyone? Should we throw a party? should we invite Sylvia Plath
Oates: people always be talking about their depression blah blah blah
Oates: you think i wanna hear that shit? sheeesh
Oates: bunch debbie downers should just keep their mouths shut
Oates: you been awful quiet tonight, franz
Franz Kafka:
Franz Kafka: [world weary sigh] it's just that i've been so down lately
Kafka: i'm just so depressed
Oates: oh my god go see fuckin paggliachi or something you big baby
Kafka:
Oates: listen to this whiner here wah wah wah
Kafka:
Oates: but seriously go see that clown
Poe: joyce you can't tell people to bottle up their feelings-
Oates: why not? do you like listening to this shit?
Poe: i
Poe:
Oates: yeah that's what i thought
Oates: chalk up another win for the oatesmeister!!!
Oates: these hot takes got no brakes!