Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 26
Exciting news! We just got the final illustration for the new Midnight Pals book! Now we just need to finish some proof reading and then, bam, it’s off to the printers! We’re getting closer everyday. Other than that, it’s another quiet week at the goblin burrow, so here’s some Midnight Pals!
***
Guy de Maupassant: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the horla
de Maupassant: it’s about an invisible monster that’s always chasing me!
Stephen King: haha wow what kind of drugs were you on when you came up with that one?
de Maupassant: ether
King:
King: oh
de Maupassant: so there’s this invisible monster after me
de Maupassant: there it is now!!!
Koontz:
Poe: that’s just dean
de Maupassant: oh haha phew wow you know how it is, sometimes the eye just plays tricks on you and
de Maupassant: there it is!!!!
King:
Poe: that’s steve
De Maupassant: so anyway I was minding my own business
de Maupassant: when this boat sails by
de Maupassant: and I was all “what the hell”
de Maupassant: “I think I’m gonna wave to this boat”
de Maupassant: and ooo boy
de Maupassant: let me tell you
de Maupassant: big mistake
De Maupassant: so I waved to this boat right?
de Maupassant: and now I got this invisible monster after me!
King: wow, what I like about it is it’s so relatable
King: I mean, that could be any of us!
King: whom among us hasn’t waved at a boat?
Poe: it truly is an irresistible urge
De Maupassant: so I waved at a boat and now there’s this ghost haunting me
Dean Koontz: that can’t happen in real life, right?
Poe: it’s okay dean it’s just a story
Koontz: cuz I like to wave at boats too
Koontz: I waved at a boat yesterday
De Maupassant: this invisible monster is just the worst
De Maupassant: like, at night? It just sits on my chest like a massive weight!
Poe: that actually kind of sounds like sleep paralysis actually
Whitley Strieber: oh shut up edgar
Strieber: the man’s clearly had a supernatural experience!!
Strieber: you want to come on my podcast?
Whitley Strieber: hi everyone welcome to dreamland with whitley Strieber
Strieber: the podcast that asks the questions the Bilderberg illuminati reverse vampires don’t want you to know
Strieber: I’m here with Guy de Maupassant
de Maupassant: [inhaling chloroform soaked rag] glad to be here
***
Manly Wade Wellman: tonight my son and I are going to tell a story together
Manly Wade Wellman: I want you all to say hello to my boy
Manly Wade Wellman: Wade Wellman
Manly Wade Wellman: or as we call him sometimes
Manly Wade Wellman: Boyish Wade Wellman
Manly Wade Wellman: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the martians
Wellman: so the martians think that they con conquer earth with their superior technology
Wellman: but they didn’t count on one thing
Wellman: the keen eye and awesome analytical abilities
Wellman: of sherlock holmes
Barker: wait so it’s HG Welles martians
Wellman: yes
Barker: and they’re fighting sherlock holmes?
Wellman: yes
Neil Gaiman: ah! A cross over! A pastiche! A deconstruction!
Gaiman: how deliciously devious!
Gaiman: when the disparate currents of inspiration meet in a maelstrom of imagination!!
Barker: isn’t this an alan moore thing
Poe: clive shush
Barker: don’t shush me, I mean it
Barker: this is literally an alan moore thing
Poe: clive, if alan moore did this, sherlock holmes would 200 years old and fucking his 19 year old housekeeper
Poe: who would also be idk
Poe: Dorothy gale
Barker:
Barker: damn edgar ha ha
Barker: you’re getting saucy there
Barker: you’re not wrong tho
Wellman: actually sherlock holmes does have a relationship with his housekeeper in my story
Barker: c’mon, man
Barker: what are you doing
Barker: we all know he’d be fucking Watson
Barker: ten million AO3 stories can’t be wrong
Wellman: well, Watson doesn’t know
Wellman: watson’s kind of a himbo in my version
Wellman: now sherlock holmes has an incredible sharp mind
Wellman: he can look at a Woolly worm and predict the severity of the martian invasion
Wellman: he can repel a tripod by putting a hex sign on a barn
Wellman: and he knows the old adage
Wellman: “rain in June, there be red weed soon”
Ursula Vernon: yup yup
Wellman: all of a sudden all the martians start mysteriously dying
Wellman: now HG welles thought it was germs
Wellman: but that sounds like elf shot to me
Wellman: they could have fixed that by applying a poultice of hog fat and bible passages to their tripod legs
***
Stephen King: [throws football] go wide, joe!
Joe Hill: [catches football] I love you, dad!
King: I love you too son
Elon Musk:
Musk: eyyyy whata the fuck
Musk: you thinka you winna this round, Stephano king?
Musk: you thinka you betta than me just because you bambinos like-a you?
Musk: I showa you
Musk: eeeey looka here it’s baby elon
Musk: [hastily putting on diaper] eeeey itsa me baby elon
Musk: eyyy it’s me baby elon
Musk: I lova my papa
Musk: my papa da smartest man inna world
Musk: he so smart he never getta caught roleplaying online assa his bambino
Musk: itsa mee baby elon!
Musk: ima just a little bambino!
Musk: a blanka slate!
Musk: nothing inna my head!
Musk: ima yours to molda twitter
xXxFartknocker420xXx: did you know that black people have a goblin that lives in their heads and makes them do crime
Musk: mama mia!!!
Tiefling_Fucker6958537: did you know that trans people make their HRT out of the blood of Christian babies
Musk: mama mia!!!
Musk: thata concerning!!!
Musk: whya da media no report onna this
EldritchBitch4Eva8753: did you know that Italians aren’t even a real race
Musk: mama mia!
EldritchBitch4Eva8753: 90% of crimes are actually done by Italians
Musk: madone!!!
EldritchBitch4Eva8753: they even have special crime “families!” families that just do crime!
Musk: itsa an outrage!
EldritchBitch4Eva8753: chef Boyardee is a plot to groom our children into the Italian lifestyle
Musk: eyyy I don’ta know about this
EldritchBitch4Eva8753: one sec
EldritchBitch4Eva8753: [acquires blue check]
Musk: mama mia!!! It musta be true!!!
Musk: mama mia we must enda da Italian minda virus!!!
Musk: da Italians, mama mia, dey no compatible with a de civilization!!
Poe: wait this EldritchBitch4Eva8753 screenname looks familiar
Poe: howard did you radicalize elon against himself
Lovecraft: [sweats] n-no
***
Poe: it’s awful nice of dean Koontz to invite us over for a picnic, eh, guys?
Dario Argento: I hope he made lots of spaghetti!!!
[approaching luxurious manor house, entrance flanked by 2 stone golden retrievers]
Dean Koontz: [wearing smoking jacket and holding pipe] oh hello! I didn’t see you there
Koontz: I’m dean Koontz, welcome to my temporary 12,000-square-foot home
Koontz: I call it “koontzland”
Koontz: c’mon in! let me show you around
Koontz: [blow bubbles on pipe]
Koontz: this where I removed the indoor pool to install a dog park
Koontz: this where I removed a library to install a dog park
Koontz: this where I removed a candy room to install a dog park
Koontz: and this is where I removed a 4 foot fence to install another dog park
Koontz: this is just my temporary house, my main one is being renovated
Koontz: I’m going to have it made into the shape of a giant fire hydrant
Koontz: to celebrate my love of dogs!!
Koontz: you guys, I just love dogs so much
Koontz: this is my dogetarium
Koontz: it’s like an aquarium but for dogs
Barker: wow you really like dogs
Koontz: like dogs? I love dogs!!
Koontz: this is my private dog café
Koontz: I’ve got every kind of dog here
Koontz: schnauzers, spitzes, terriers
Koontz: retrievers, hounds, teacups
Barker: that’s a lot of dogs
Koontz: oh you can’t have too many dogs
Barker: that’s clearly too many dogs
Koontz: no expense is too big for my dogs!
Koontz: I have a private French chef working on new pizzle recipes for them
Koontz: and I had all my toilets filled with perrier
Koontz: and my next horror book is going to be written exclusively for the dog audience
Koontz: it’s about a vacuum cleaner that’s really loud
Dean Koontz: I want you guys to all meet the love of my life, Gerda
Gerda Koontz: hi! Hi! Hi!! Oh boy! Visitors!!
Dean Koontz: settle down girl! Ha ha
Gerda Koontz: [licking Koontz’s face] what’d you bring me? What’d you bring me???
Dean Koontz: you know, gerda really started my writing career
Dean Koontz: she said that if I wrote for 5 yrs, she'd support me
Barker: oh really? How’d you support him?
Gerda Koontz: oh you know
Gerda Koontz: herding sheep, pulling sleds, rescuing hikers lost in the alps
Gerda Koontz: just normal stuff