Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 24
It’s Hugo season and you only have 5 noggy days before the government takes it away again… I mean, before nominations close! You should all definitely nominate me, Bitter Karella, for best fan writer, because I was nominated last year and I found that I have a taste for being nominated for things. Anyway, here’s some Midnight Pals:
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L. Marie Wood: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call the tale of the book that kills people
Lovecraft: o-oh! i like that
Lovecraft: b-books that kill, that's totally my jam!
Robert W Chambers: whose jam?
Wood: anyone who reads this book of esoteric stories will find themselves driven mad by the revelations of horror
Wood: and then die horrible, bloody deaths
Wood: as this innocent-looking book cuts a swathe of destruction across the country
Wood: leading us on a merry, madcap chase!
L. Marie Wood: and that book? the one that kills people?
Wood: why, it's this collection of short stories right here! [holds up 'The Tales of Time']
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: w-why did you bring the killer book here
King: wait, so the book that kills you is real?
Wood: yes, i wrote it
King:
King: does it
King: does it actually kill you
Barker: christ steve of course it doesn't, it's a bit
Barker: are you actually falling for this
Wood: oh yeah? maybe you'd like to take a look inside then
Barker:
Barker: yeah you know reading's not really my thing
Barker: edgar you love books, why don't you read it
Poe: yeah i don't think so
Wood: what's wrong? you're not actually scared are you?
Wood: you don't actually believe that these stories could kill you?
Wood: why it's just an ordinary short story collection
Wood: or is it???
Koontz: are we going to die
Wood: no dean no one's going to die
Wood: just as long as you don't succumb to the otherworldly compulsion to open this infernal tome and read the cursed words within
Koontz:
Koontz: i want to read it now
King: dean no!
Wood: any unfortunate soul could fall victim to this sinister book - a flight attendant, a barista, an old lady...
Lovecraft: i-i don't understand
Lovecraft: t-those don't sound like reedy academics
Wood: no i'm saying ANYONE could get got
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: t-those don't sound like reedy academics
***
Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the-
Elon Musk [popping out of bushes]: eeeey its me, elon musk!
Musk: i just comma to see my number one bambino Stephano King!
Musk: you an me, we sucha good friends!
King:
Musk: mama mia stephano king, we sucha good friends!
King: no we aren't
Musk: my frienda stephano, he giva me 8 lira!
King: no i didn't Musk: he giva me his phone number
King: no i didn't
Musk: he say "elon, you-a so smart"
King: i definitely didn't do that
Musk: eeey stephano king you taka dis blue check, eh?
King: i don't want this
Musk: issa epic bacon win! ey eye issa pickle rick!
Musk: you know I had a bigga hitta song onna reddit witha dis?
Musk: I singa dissa song, alla my fans applaud, dey clappa da hands
Musk: eyyy stephano king you lika my bed? itsa shape lika da pickle rick
Musk: do you-a sleep inna pickle rick?
King: i sleep in a big bed with my wife
Musk:
Joe Hill: dad what's going on here
Musk: eyyy whosa dis? whosa dis who speak to stephano king?
King: this is my son joe
King: nothing is more important to me than family
Musk:
Musk: inna many ways you anna me are-a very different people, stephano king
Musk: stephano king, you like dis blue check? haffa da blue check!
King: hey what's going on over there
Musk: issa nothing! haffa nother blue check!
King: did your rocket
King: did your rocket blow up?
Musk: [sweating] haffa THREE blue checks!!
Musk: my rocket, issa no good!
Musk: i donta understand
Musk: i buy alla parts from Acme Corporation
Musk: i say, i wanta rocket to getta dannato roadrunner!!
Musk: how itta all go wrong??
***
Poe: guys we're going to have lor gislason tell a story tonight
Poe: and i want you all on good behavior
Poe: i don't want any jokes
Barker: ok no jokes about the slime person ok sure got it
Poe: first of all clive
Poe: yes
Poe: secondly the preferred nomenclature is ichor-american
Lor Gislason: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the goopity goo
Gislason: bloop bloop
Gislason: bloopity blorp
Gislason: bloop bloop bloop bloop
King:
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Barker:
Gislason: oh sorry i guess some of you don't speak slime
Gislason: oh sorry i'm getting goo all over your camp here
King: oh that's okay, it's
King:
King: gosh
King: gosh you're really dripping there aren't you
Gislason: sorry the heat really reduces my viscosity
Gislason: i'm just gonna ooze a little further away from the fire
Gislason: i'm just gonna sit down here on this log
King: oh um maybe just hang on a second
King: i'll get you a towel first
Poe: steve
King: what?
Poe: that's very rude
King: i just don't want them to leave a stain
King: gosh this is really getting kind of messy
King: there's goo all over the campfire circle now
David Cronenberg: you act like more goo is bad
King: no i just mean
Cronenberg: i for one
Cronenberg: support our gooey brethren
Gislason: yeah cuz we're the goop troop
Gislason: and we always stick together
Cronenberg: [baritone] yeah!
Gislason: best of friends forever
Roald Dahl: i have a question tee hee hee
Gislason: oh god
Dahl: so
Dahl: say you're just hanging out
Dahl: in like a dungeon tee hee hee
Dahl: and then a party of adventurers shows up tee hee hee
Gislason: where are you going with this roald
Dahl: so say there's like an elf ranger in the party
Gislason: ok
Dahl: ok so imagine tee hee
Dahl: she's wearing a metal bra and one of those little loin cloth things
Gislason: alright
Dahl: hee hee heeeee
Dahl: and then you shoot a stream of goo right into her mouth
Gislason: ok
Dahl: and just fill her up with goo
Gislason: ok
Dahl: and she gets big & round from goo
Gislason: right
Dahl: have you ever done that
Gislason:
Gislason: no that situation has never come up
Alan Moore: i have a question too
Moore: are you vulnerable to ranged weapon attacks
Gislason: no but i can be slowed by cold-based spells
King: wow body horror sure is having a moment
LC von Hessen: guys would you still like me if i was a worm
von Hessen: idk i feel like you wouldn't
von Hessen: whatever
von Hessen: just forget it
***
Richard Sharpe Shaver: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the underground monster people that can control us with mind rays
Stephen King: wow, that sure sounds like an amazing story!
Shaver: yes
Shaver: yes it is
Shaver: did you know that there’s a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalism?
Koontz: gosh! That’s not real tho right?
Koontz: it’s just a story right?
King: yes dean it’s just a story
Shaver: don’t tell him that
Shaver: this is real
King: c'mon richard you're just having a laugh, it's all just a story
Shaver: this is real
Shaver: there's a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalism
Shaver: and that's not all
Shaver: wait until you hear what they’re doing to the soil
Dan Simmons: a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalism?
Shaver: that's right
Simmons: damn you could base a whole political worldview on that!
Simmons:
Simmons: are they in league with the queers and the muslims?
Shaver: I don’t know what that is but probably
Simmons: I knew it!
Simmons: these underground cannibals sound p legit to me
King: dan i don't think they're real
Simmons: oh I see, so you think that when i say "underground cannibals" that's, like, code for greta thunberg and that when i say we must stop the underground cannibals that's a veiled threat calling for the murder of greta thunberg and the public desecration of her carcass as a warning to all blue haired millenial they/thems?
King:
King: well i do now
Simmons: wow steve
Simmons: i think that says a lot more about you than me
Simmons: you know what these underground cannibals who prey on white women are like?
Simmons: they're like "urban" "thugs" wearing "hoodies"
Lovecraft:
Simmons: and "baggy pants"
Lovecraft:
Simmons: if you know what i mean
Lovecraft:
Simmons: i'm sorry, are these dog whistles too subtle?
Simmons: i mean
Simmons:
Simmons: italians
Lovecraft: [immediately starts sweating]
Simmons: so the underground cannibals are in league with george soros
Simmons: and that caravan of latin refugees
Simmons: that we were all so scared of about 3 years ago
Simmons: and then just forgot about when it strangely failed to materialize
Simmons: I can’t believe AM radio got that one wrong!
***
Elon Musk: eyyy whatsa matta you Stepheno king
Musk: you no wanta the blue check?
Musk: listen the blue checka it maka you real cool
Stephen King: cool you say?
Musk: oh yeah itta really big deal
King: well
King: I have been wanting to try out this “cool” thing everyone’s talking about
Elon Musk: eeey Stephen king you getta the blue check you can be coola
Musk: justa like these other cool blue checka celebs
Musk: lika xXlover_of_big_boobsXx, pussysmasher69, and superwholock_fan856738
King: I’ve never heard of them
Musk: oh they-a reall-a big right now
Musk: real-a famous
Goku_420 [blue check]: lol
The_Wizard_of_Weed [blue check] lmao
p0tat0_pete1764: a/s/l
Spork_0f_d00m [blue check] lolc roflcopter
clubpenguin_4eva87537 [blue check]: lollerskates
Hitlerfan_24/7: only when the streets run red with the blood of Saracens and tinkers will the white race prevail
purple_ninja_monkey659: lol
Musk: thissa real great ey Stephano king?
Musk: you gona pay me $8 to join-a now si?
King: yeah I don’t think so
Musk: what, you no wanna talk with Xsouthpark_fanX6469 [blue check] and G00fy_fr0m_G00f_Tr00p_takes_it_up_the_ass78534837 [blue check]?
King:
Musk: eeey Stephano king I giva you da blue check
King: oh I couldn’t accept this
Musk: I insista!
King: no really I couldn’t
elon_simp420 [blue check]: HOPE YOU GOT $8 BRO
King: I really don’t want-
musk_fanboy420 [blue check] HOPE YOU GOT $8
King: i
musk_is_my_master_now420 [blue check] PAY ELON $8
King:
elon_pissdrinker_420 [blue check] YOUR WORTHLESS YOU WASHED UP PIECE OF SHIT PAY THE $8
Elon Musk: this site issa pretty great ey?
Musk: who wouldn’t wanta pay to join thissa conversation?
Elons_dank_stash_420 [blue check]: leroy jenkinsssssss
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have newssss
Rowling: elon musssk hasss gifted me a blue check
King: oh no
King: how are your mentions?
Rowling: they haven’t changed much actually
JK Rowling: hello children
tuff_terf796674 [blue check]: women have bigger bones in their boobs
gender_realist420 [blue check]: that’s just science. Lol pwned wokies
slur_sayer_67489 [blue check]: I’m tired of of shitting in a toilet like a wokie!!1!1! Queen rowling is an example to us all!!11!
Rowling: ahhh my loyal fans