Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 23
Not a whole lot to report this week, so enjoy some Midnight Pals!:
Algernon Blackwood: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the willows
Lovecraft: g-guys this is my favorite story!
Lovecraft: ooh it's so good, it's so scary!
King: oh yeah? what's so scary about it?
Lovecraft: there's a swede in it
Blackwood: so i was canoeing down the river danube
Blackwood: with my companion
Blackwood: who was a swede
Lovecraft: [sweats]
Blackwood: anyway we got stuck on an island
Blackwood: full of willows
Blackwood: and important thing to remember
Blackwood: these aren't weeping willows
Blackwood: they're, like, kinda brambly scrubby riverside willows
Blackwood: make sure you get that right
Blackwood: and there are all these super creepy willows on the island
Blackwood: now if any of you lot were thinking of illustrating this story
Blackwood: i want to emphasize
Blackwood: NOT weeping willows
Stephen King: so what are they?
King: like
King: weeping willows?
Blackwood:
Blackwood: no
Blackwood: so these are NOT weeping willows
Poe:
King:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Blackwood: so all together now
Blackwood: what kind of willows are they?
Poe:
King:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
King: ...weeping willows?
Blackwood:
Blackwood: steve we just went over this
Blackwood: so these willows are just SUPER creepy
Blackwood: there's a weird presence on this island that makes you just get super scared of trees
Blackwood: cuz let me tell you
Blackwood: these trees
Blackwood: real fucked up
Blackwood: so these trees are just real fucked up
King: how so?
Blackwood: well they're just
Blackwood: like
Blackwood: you know
Blackwood: kinda fucked up
Blackwood: just in a general sort of way
Blackwood: so these trees, they're just kinda fucked up
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Blackwood: what do you want me to do, describe stuff?
Lovecraft: oh so right, you're so right
***
Mary SanGiovanni: so me and edward lee have been collaborating on some cosmic horror
Clive Barker: are there tits in it
SanGiovanni: "are there tits in it"
SanGiovanni: what a question!
Edward Lee: no bro it's not just about boobs this time
Edward Lee: i don't JUST write about boobs you know bro
Lee: i got
Lee: like
Lee: layers
Mary SanGiovanni: but just to be clear
SanGiovanni: there will be SOME boobs right?
Edward Lee: i don't just write splatterpunk gore
Mary SanGiovanni: yeah there’s boobs too
Lee: naw bro
Lee: i mean
Lee: i have hidden depths bro
SanGiovanni:
Edward Lee: bro
Lee: everyone just wants to read stories about gore and boobs
Lee: but maybe
Lee: maybe I'm about more than that bro
SanGiovanni:
Lee: have you considered that maybe i have the soul of a poet bro?
Lee: maybe instead of boobs
Lee: we'll have like
Lee: some real subtle creeping cosmic dread
Lee: how about that, bro?
SanGiovanni:
SanGiovanni: but for real we're gonna put boobs in it too right?
Edward Lee: ok fine bro
Lee: we'll put some boobs in it
Clive Barker: boy she really twisted your arm there huh
Lee: shut up bro
Barker: hahaha
Edward Lee: ok bro we'll put some boobs in
Lee: but they gotta be
Lee: like
Lee: real cosmic horror boobs
Mary SanGiovanni: how are we gonna do that
SanGiovanni: put some eyeballs on them?
Percy Shelley: [faints]
Mary Shelley: haha
Mary Shelley: ahahaha
***
Ben Farthing: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the circus tent that i found in the woods behind my house
Barker: hell of a title there, man
Farthing: you think?
Farthing: is it too much?
Barker: naw naw it's good
Farthing: so there's this mysterious circus tent that just appears
Koontz: oo! i love a circus
King: no dean
King: i'm pretty sure this isn't going to be like that kind of circus
Koontz: how do you know?
King: just a hunch
King: just in general, dean
King: i don't think if anyone tells a story about a circus
King: at this campfire
King: it's ever going to be about a good experience
Koontz: circuses have clowns
King: yes dean
Koontz: clowns are funny
King: ok dean
Poe: let him have his fun steve
Koontz: gosh i dunno i think circuses are fun
Koontz: i went to a circus once
Koontz: i saw trained dogs
Koontz: there was probably other stuff too but that was the important part
Farthing: so a father and son in the woods discover this bizarre circus tent
Farthing: that eats them and then they can't leave
Thomas Ligotti: are there clowns
Farthing: yes
Ligotti: are the clowns manifestations of the protagonist's inner guilt
Farthing: you better believe it!
Farthing: and not just clowns in this circus
Farthing: but also
Farthing: statues of clowns
Ligotti: are you saying
Ligotti: there are dummies?
Farthing: you could say that
Ligotti: hm
King: oh wow i've never seen thomas so excited!
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh joanne
Poe: you're
Poe: you're back
Barker: edgar edgar you sound so tired
Barker: put some feeling into it
Barker: "ha ha joanne!"
Barker: "you're back!"
Barker: you act like this won't be extremely funny edgar
Poe:
Barker: ha ha
JK Rowling: good newssss children
Rowling: Max has agreed to make a full harry potter ssseriesssss
[all look at Max Booth III]
Rowling: no no not max, i mean MAX
[all look at Max Brooks]
Rowling: no no i mean
Rowling: i mean you know
Rowling: MAX!
Rowling: sssee, i wasss thinking
Rowling: i jusssst i don't feel like doing any cormorant ssstrike anymore
Rowling: i mean i feel like i've sssaid everything i wanted to sssay with that ssseriesss
Rowling: having sssoundly defeated my every twitter critic in the lassst book
Rowling: even though cormonrant sssstrike is universally beloved and anticipated by many many legionsss of fansss
Rowling: known as ssstrikers or sssometimesss ssstrikeheadsss
Rowling: but never ssstrikeess, that's a derogatory term
Rowling: even though they begged me for more, i thought it was best to concentrate on harry potter again
Rowling: here'sss a photo of cormorant ssstrike fans begging for more sstrike content
Rowling: all the fanss are jusst out of frame
Barker: really? just doing harry potter shit now huh?
Rowling: yess
Barker: no interest in cormorang shrite anymore?
Rowling: no
Barker: huh i wonder why
Rowling:
Barker: none at all?
Rowling: no
Barker: didn't you, like, sue the BBC to keep making cordoroy shrike shows?
Rowling:
Barker: is it actually because
Poe: clive
Barker: nobody likes Carkadann Spike?
Poe: CLIVE
Rowling: that'ss not true
Rowling: the people LOVE Cormorant Sstrike!
Rowling: [coiling] and keep ssaying his name wrong, that'ss not making me mad at all, i don't care
Rowling: thisss time
Rowling: the actorss won't get away from me
Rowling: my goblin lawyer will add a clausse to their contract that they have to sssupport my transsphobia forever
Barker: your goblin lawyer huh
Rowling: goblinss are really good with that sssort of thing you know
***
Agent: ok so listen joanne
Agent: I have some bad news
JK Rowling: issss ssscotland getting uppity??
Rowling: how dare they rebel against the yoke of English rule!!!
Rowling: we will cram transss genocide down their tartan-wearing, haggissss guzzling throatsss!!
Agent:
Agent: it’s actually about your profits
Agent: your profits are down 74%
Rowling: what doessss that mean for me
Agent: for one thing, you’re not going to be able to afford to fumigate your castle this year
Rowling: but
Rowling: I’ve already got diane duane in the ventsss!
Rowling: at this rate, I’m gonna get a KA Applegate infessstation
Rowling: how can I ssstop losssing money
Agent: maybe you wanna cut back on the transphobia thing
Rowling: no
Rowling: that isss non negotiable
Agent: the transphobia is reallt bad optics joanne
Rowling: I’m ssssorry, what can I sssay?
Rowling: I jussst really like it when they die
Rowling: esssspecially the pinkiessss
Agent:
Rowling: oh great now I sssupposssse you’re gonna sssay that wassss transssphobic
Agent: it’s just really not a good look
Agent: people are already starting to think you eat trans kids or something
Rowling: oh I’ve moved way passst pinkiessss
Rowling: I’m eating hopperssss now
Rowling: what if we made a NEW harry potter sssseriessss
Agent: that could bring in some cash, yes
Rowling: Max is gonna make it!
Agent:
Agent: who’s max
Agent: do you mean
Agent: Max…
Agent: … Brooks?
Rowling: no no
Rowling: Max!
Agent:
Agent: Max Booth III?
Rowling: no I mean Max
Rowling: look they jusssst rebranded I don’t know why thisss sssso hard for everyone
Rowling: this time, I want full control of the ssseriessss
Rowling: I think that will really draw people in
Rowling: they want to know that I’m in charge and making money from it
Rowling: that’s definitely going to be a ssselling point
Agent:
Rowling: alsssso, in my versssion, harry will sssay the 14 words
Rowling: I want graham linehan to play hagrid
Rowling: and I want posie parker to play mcgonigal
Rowling: can we get leni Riefensssstahl to direct?
Rowling: she’s a real girlbossss
Rowling: and I want dave chapelle to play dean Thomas
Rowling: at leassst until later in the ssseriesss when he might get a romantic interest
Rowling: then we can replace him with a white guy
Rowling: and I want to hire those 2 kids who murdered brianna ghey
Agent:
Agent: as actors?
Rowling: no no of courssse not!
Rowling: as sssspokessspeople for my new harry potter branded anti-woke coffee company
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hadley freeman, your failuresss disssspleasssse me
Rowling: you promissssed me you would deliver margaret atwood
Rowling: instead, nothing but ashess and wind
Hadley Freeman: p-please dark lord
Freeman: one more chance, just one!
Rowling: very well
Rowling: you will deliver unto me
Rowling: judy blume
Freeman: j-judy blume?!
Freeman: b-but dark lord
Freeman: judy blume is friend to all children!
Rowling: DID I SSSTUTTER FREEMAN
Freeman: n-no dark lord
Freeman: [bowing, groveling] it shall be so
Freeman: i'm really honored today to interview judy blume, beloved author of the mouse and the motorcycle and the cat ate my gymsuit
Judy Blume: thanks for having me
Freeman: so first question
Freeman: isn't jk rowling just awesome
Freeman: i mean, just tops at being an author
Freeman: so JK Rowling said that trans people should be eradicated from public life. Agree or hard agree?
Blume: no i don't agree with that
Freeman:
Freeman: [narrowing eyes] you clever devil
Freeman: you win this round blume
Freeman: but this battle is far from over
Freeman: ok how about this
Freeman: hypothetically
Freeman: if someone were to drop a big anvil on JK Rowling's head
Freeman: that would be bad, right?
Blume: yeah sure
Freeman: [rushing from room] ok that's all i need, thanks, bye
Blume:
Blume: you know i have a movie coming out
Freeman: behold! dark lord!
Freeman: the judy blume interview!
Freeman: "I... stand... behind... JK Rowling... 100%!"
Rowling:
Rowling: what was cut out with the ellipsesss
Freeman: [sweating] ellipses? what ellipses??
Judy Blume: it seems like there's some confusion about my interview
Blume: it was taken out of context
Blume: what i meant was i stand 100% behind jk rowling's scottish castle ductwork
Blume: it looks so welcoming & cozy
Blume: [licking lips] and that particle board! so tasty!
JK Rowling: fool!!! blundering nincompoop!!
Rowling: i asssk you to deliver judy blume! and what do i get?
Rowling: jussst pathetic excusssesss!
Rowling: you've failed me for the last time, freeman!
Rowling: i'm gonna drag you so hard in my next cormoran ssstrike doorssstopper!!
Freeman: [cowering, groveling] forgive me, dark lord!
Freeman: blume was too wily!
Freeman: it's almost like she's got some mystical power to see through bullshit moral panics!
Freeman: it's almost like she's been through all this before!