Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 22
Alright! Authorcon! I’m back and rested! What a fun time! What a blast! What a gay soiree! Authorcon was tons of fun — it was my first ever horror convention and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous. How could I not be, since I was about to be in the same room with some of the greats of the genre? And, believe me, it was very hard not to just constantly lose my mind when I got a chance to see and talk (however briefly!) to horror creators like Brian Keene, Mary SanGiovanni, Laurel Hightower, Gemma Amor, L. Marie Wood, Aron Beauregard, Adam Cesare, Todd Kiesling, Hailey Piper (and the marvelous Lady J!), Brianna Morgan, Sonora Taylor, Anton Cancre, Jessi Sheron, Sam Richard of Weirdpunk Books, Matt Blairstone of Tenebrous Press… and so many more! It was an absolute joy and incredibly flattering to be treated as an equal by so many huge stars!
What else? I was on a panel about body horror with Hailey Piper and Gemma Amor, moderated by Lucas Milliron, where we talked about goo and Hailey confessed that, contrary to popular belief, “Society” is actually NOT her favorite movie. My mind is blown. I just don’t know what to believe anymore!
I also did a reading with Mary SanGiovanni and Mary was a very good sport considering that I wrote a piece that made fun of HER specifically.
I was also on a panel about queer horror, which had some good discussion with Jamie Flanagan, Norman Prentiss, Rebecca Rowland, Dorian J. Sinnott, Nikki Nelson Hicks, and Sam Richard. I’ll be honest, since I’ve never been to a horror con (let alone one in Virginia) and I’m mostly used to furry cons (which are EXTREMELY queer these days. Why, the first furry cons I went to back in the before times of the early 00s were all beardy old guys in Minerva mink shirts, but the latest fur cons… I’ll just say that the sheer number of pronoun pins and HRT joke patches outnumbered the actual furry merch! So yeah, the furry cons are REALLY queer these days. It rules.), I wasn’t really sure what to expect. But this was a really good experience! As you can see in these photos, I spent the con in my usual extremely sloppy goth drag but everyone was very kind and accepting of that. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it was really nice considering the general tenor of the world today! Anyway, the panel. I forget what I said, probably something really smart? I hope? I think I mostly talked about Clive Barker.
Oh and I was on a cryptid panel too, with Laurel Hightower, Pamela K. Kinney, Dan Franklin, and moderator C.W. Briar. That was a fun one, although I feel like I might have been a little bit of a dock — especially since an audience member said their fave cryptid was the chupacabra and I went on a tear about how Fortean Times did an investigation and found out that it started when a woman in Puerto Rico saw the movie “Species” and thought it was a documentary. I also talked about the weird expansion of the chupacabra’s territory from Puerto Rico to eventually encompass any area where white people perceive there’s a lot of Latino people. So you hear about chupacabra sightings in Texas and southern California cuz white people are all “Oh yeah, there’s a lot of Mexicans there, right? There’s probably chupacabras there.”
We were each asked our favorite cryptid and I mentioned the television headed man of Virginia. Someone came up to me after the panel and said that he personally knew the television headed man IRL! He was a dude who works in a local deli and that’s all the info I have cuz he swore all his friends to secrecy. Anyway, if you ask me, that guy, I mean the television headed man, is the real greatest American hero. Braver than the troops!
Anyway, it was all a great time! I definitely need to see about getting to more horror conventions. This was a real good time!
Alright enough about me, here’s some Midnight Pals:
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: great newssss
Rowling: they’re making a new harry potter ssseriessss on HBO
Rowling: and thissss time
Rowling: thisss time we’ll do it right
Rowling: I’ve been VERY dissssappointed
Rowling: to find that the kids from the original moviessss turned out to ssssupport transss rightsss
Rowling: I don’t know how they get away with sssssaying that
Rowling: I made them! I own them!
Rowling: they should be compelled to obey ME!
Rowling: I mussst have accidentally given them clothesss at sssome point
Rowling: but I plan to be heavily involved in thisss new potter ssseriessss
Rowling: and, believe me, I will be heavily sssscrutinizing thessse new actorssss
Rowling: essspecially when they’re sshowering
Rowling: I’m making a new potter sssseriessss
Rowling: and there’s gonna be ssome
Rowling: CHANGESSS
Rowling: around here
Rowling: firssst of all, harry potter is a nazi now
Rowling: I’ve decided that fascism is good now
Rowling: the deatheaters are all evil queers and drag queens now
Rowling: and I want hookier noses on those goblins!!
Rowling: maybe put ssssome payot on them
Rowling: i don't want there to be any misssunderssstandingsss about what i'm ssssaying
Rowling: I need a big doofy oaf
Rowling: just a big hairy bumbling loser who fucks up all his relationships
Rowling: glinner
Rowling: you’re gonna be our new hagrid
Rowling: now we need some stupid old hippie
Rowling: just a real annoying loudmouth hippie that everyone can shit on
Rowling: nina, I think you would be a great trelawny
Nina Paley: it’s the part I was born to play!
Rowling: and for cho chang
Rowling: I choose Ishida Tatsuya
Tatsuya: I’m Japanese
Rowling:
Rowling: look it’s not my fault you all look alike
Tatsuya: also I’m a guy
Rowling: LOOK I already said it’s not my fault you all look alike
Rowling: jesse, my loyal wormtail
Jesse Singal: yes mommy
Rowling: I have saved the best part for you
Singal: mommy mommy mommy!
Rowling: for you shall me
Singal: [vibrating] MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!
Rowling: you shall be
Singal: MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY
Rowling: Anthony Goldstein
Singal:
Singal: oh I thought I was gonna get to be harry potter
Rowling: you? Harry potter? Ha!
Rowling: don’t make me laugh!
Rowling: I’m saving that for matt walsh
***
Stephen King: submitted for the-
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I’d like to introduce you all to my favorite terf deatheater
Rowling: Kathleen ssssstock
Clive Barker: why
Poe: clive that’s-
Poe: actually yeah why
JK Rowling: I just thought sssshe had ssssome interessssting thoughtsss to share
Barker: literally why would you think that
Barker: why would you ever think that
Barker: why are you even here
Rowling: tell them what you told me about the blueberriessss
Barker:
Barker: what about the blueberries
Roald Dahl: blueberries you say??????
Kathleen Stock: I can’t believe people would dare criticize me online
Stock: holding my own words against me…
Stock: that’s EXACTLY what the naughty kids in Charlie and the chocolate factory would do
Dahl:
Stock: I mean
Stock: just think about it
Dahl:
Dahl: ok sure why not
Stock: god, all those trans people
Stock: I’d like to see THEM get blueberrified
Dahl: ee hee hee
Stock: just completely filled up with juice
Dahl: ee hee heeeee
Stock: just burstingly, sloshingly full of juice
Dahl: eeeee heee heeeee
Stock: god I’d like to see them just inflate with juice until they’re SO stretched and tight, their skin tingling with exquisite fullness
Dahl: eeeee heeee heeeee
JK Rowling: well they’re really getting along, I’ll jusssst leave you lot to it
Poe: wait no-
Poe: oh son of a bitch
Stock: I’m so mad at trans people, I just wish I could blueberrify every single one
Stock: not as a sexual thing tho, I just think it would be interesting
Dahl: oh yeah yeah definitely just interesting
Dahl: and funny
Dahl: I just think it would be SO funny
Stock: oh yes funny
Dahl: what’s your deviantart handle
Stock: [eyes shifting] why would you think I’m on deviantart
Dahl: I’m xxxeverblastingcumpopperxxx24_7
Stock:
Stock: [quietly] adult_female_juiceblimp85
***
[at unicorn fuck club]
Terry Pratchett: in discworld, there’s a big controversy about dwarf gender
Tolkien: ah yes dwarves are all dudes
Pratchett: see, that’s the stereotype
Pratchett: but I leverage that to make commentary about-
Tolkien: I will absolutely murder you
Tolkien: dwarves are hideous bearded monstrosities
Tolkien: I don’t want any fucking hot dwarves in this
Tolkien: like in that fucking Disney movie
Tolkien: if you put any hot dwarves in this, I will kill you
Pratchett:
Tolkien: I will kill you dead
Terry Pratchett: now we’ve had a lot of fun today
Pratchett: but in real life there’s nothing fun about
Pratchett: [sitting in chair backwards] systems of oppression
Brandon Sanderson: how does magic work in your world, terry?
Pratchett: it doesn't
Sanderson:
Sanderson: what
Pratchett: it's all in your head
Pratchett: you know, like in real life
Sanderson:
Brandon Sanderson: so i came up with these 3 laws of magic
Sanderson: in the universe of cosmere, magic abides by these very specific principles
Sanderson: it's very important for world building
Pratchett: oh i'm not really interested in all that
Sanderson:
Sanderson: are you sure you're at the right club?
Sanderson: in the world of cosmere, there's 12 essential principles of magic that work according to the 8 discourses of the 4 balances
Sanderson: i'd say more, but it really involves a lot of math
Sanderson: so how's magic work in your world?
Tolkien: well, gandalf makes some very pretty fireworks