Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 20
What an exciting week, as it always is in the Karella household. Oh wait, I said that sarcastically but it actually IS exciting. Isn’t it always exciting when you get a new cat? Cuz we got a new cat. We went to the cat shelter just on a whim and the minute I sat down this adorable little tabby just waddled over and sat right in my lap. So we adopted him. Here’s Sandy, our new baby, next to our old cat Riker. They’ve been getting on surprisingly well and Riker is probably just happy that we’re still not trying to make her into a lap cat now that Sandy is here. Riker doesn’t like sitting where you tell her too. Anyway, cats. (Some of you might remember Riker as the cat I was holding in my author photo for Midnight Pals 2)
***
Still working on compiling Midnight Pals Vol. 3 and happy to say it’s ALMOST ready to go off to the printer; I’m just waiting on a couple final illustrations. Then comes the fun part of mailing it all out. D: Besides that, I have completed a draft of my new novel, which started out as stately restrained folk horror and ended up including a high speed car chase, a monster phallic fungus god, and a giant puppet psychedelic sex orgy. There are SO many tits and dicks in this story. I never thought I had a story in me that involves so many tits and dicks. Well, hopefully that’s the sort of gonzo burlesque story that people come here for. Hoping to send it to my agent (relatively) soon, I just hope I don’t disappoint him!
***
Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals: The Audio Podcast is still on track and we just recorded the first episode! I can’t wait until we have a full season and you get to hear this! It’s funny stuff and I’m ever so pleased with the voice actors that I started talking like I was a darling little victorian moppet for a second right there. We’re running auditions for guest voices for the second episode, The Tale of Jekyll & Hyde, from Monday 27th March to Sunday 2nd April. This is a fun episode written by our show producer Robin Johnson, which riffs not only on the original story on a certain Jekyll & Hyde-spirited film that we all know and love AND reckons with the bloody legacy of English imperialism! You will know the episodes that I wrote because they will definitely not reckon with the bloody history of American imperialism, cus that’s not how we run things in this country!! USA USA!!
***
Did you know it’s still Hugo nomination season? I was nominated for best fan writer last year and I’ve decided that I have acquired a taste for being nominated for prizes. If you like what I do, feel free to nominate me, Bitter Karella, for best fan writer again this year! You can see the nomination form here: https://en.chengduworldcon.com/hugo-awards/#/index
***
At this time next week, I’ll be returning home from Authorcon II in Virginia, where I’m a guest of honor! I’ll have copies of Midnight Pals 1 and 2 for sale (sadly, volume 3 couldn’t be completed in time), so please stop by my booth in the dealer’s room and buy some cuz I don’t know how I’ll get the unsold books back home! XP Or just say hi, that’s also good. I hope to meet many cool people there. While I’m there, you can see me at the following panels:
Friday, 7:15pm – 8:15pm (Second Floor, Room 18): Body Horror Beyond – Lucas Milliron (Moderator), Hailey Piper, Bitter Karella, Gemma Amor, and Matt Serafini discuss the latest in body horror fiction and film.
Saturday, 10:15am – 11:15am (Second Floor, Room 15): Queer Horror 2023 – Sam Richard (moderator), Bitter Karella, Jamie Flanagan, Rebecca Rowland, Dorian J. Sinnott, and Nikki Nelson Hicks discuss the latest trends and the hottest books in queer horror.
Saturday, 1:15pm – 2:00pm (Second Floor, Room 8): Bitter Karella and Mary SanGiovanni
Saturday, 3:30pm – 4:30pm (Second Floor, Room 16): Cryptids – Bigfoot, Mothman, and their kin are experiencing a resurgence in horror fiction. C.W. Briar (moderator), Bitter Karella, Laurel Hightower, Pamela K. Kinney, and Dan Franklin discuss the trend and some of their favorites.
Other than that, I’ll have a table in the dealers’ room and if you see me walking around, say hi! As usual, I will look like this:
***
Here’s some Midnight Pals!
Aleister Crowley: yo Sonia
Crowley: yep yep it’s just me
Crowley: Aleister “The Great Beast” Crowley
Crowley: the most wicked man in the world
Crowley: mountaineer, bon vivant, man about town
Sonia Greene: I’m not interested, aleister
Crowley: I was a spy too!
Crowley: did I mention I was a spy???
Aleister Crowley: that’s right Sonia
Crowley: The Great Beast was also a super daring secret agent spy
Crowley: yup yup, see, coach had a special assignment for me
Crowley: I had to infiltrate McKinley High and TP their founder statue before the big game
Crowley: GO WILDCATS!!!
Crowley: so Sonia how about you and me go to the malt shop sometime
Crowley: and get a malt with two straws?
Sonia Greene: I told you aleister, I’m dating howard now
Crowley: hp lovecraft!? That nerd???
Crowley: what’s he got that I don’t!?!
Greene: he might not look like much now
Greene: but my howard’s got real thick potential
Crowley:
Crowley: what does that mean!?
Greene: [imagining HP Lovecraft drinking malt with both straws]
Crowley: Sonia is STILL dating that nerd LOSERcraft!
Crowley: ooo!!! That makes me so mad!!!
Crowley: makes me wanna pound some nerd!!!
Victor Neuburg: flavin glavin?
Crowley: i-I mean
Crowley: not like that
Crowley: I mean physically
Crowley: I mean with my hands
Crowley: I mean I wanna beat up a nerd!
Crowley: STOP LOOKING AT ME NERD
Crowley: so I hear you wanna join the team?
Raoul Loveday: yes! I’m your biggest fan!
Crowley: yeah I’d like to give you some downfield blocking
Loveday: yes!
Crowley: maybe some end zone action
Loveday: yes!
Crowley: maybe some soccer practice
Crowley: on the football green
Crowley: I’d like to give you a heavy penalty
Betty May: Raoul, he’s talking about fucking
Crowley: what the
Crowley: who’s this?
Raoul Loveday: this is my girlfriend Betty “Tiger Woman” May
Crowley:
Crowley: “Tiger woman?”
Crowley:
Crowley: ok nerd, if you wanna join my team, you gotta put on this big pyramid hat and eat this giant block of hashish
Loveday: wow! Isn’t this great, betty?
May: this sucks
Crowley:
Crowley: dude, your girlfriend is a real buzzkill
Loveday: no no she’s totally into it!
Loveday: right, betty?
May: [rolling eyes]
Crowley: dude, your girlfriend sucks
Crowley: first of all, why’s she got a sobriquet
Crowley: that’s kind of my thing
Crowley: feel like she’s stepping on my toes here, dude
Loveday: yeah but
Crowley: c’mon dude
Crowley: bros before hos
Crowley: ok dude you wanna be part of my team?
Crowley: first you gotta pass this hazing test
Crowley: I want you
Crowley: to kidnap hp LOSERcraft’s cat!
May: pfft. what are you gonna do with it
Crowley:
Crowley: we’ll get to that
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: ok
Poe: JK
Rowling: you don’t ssssound very thrilled to ssssee me edgar
Poe: well it’s just
Rowling: perhapssss you’ll be more thrilled after you read thissss court order I bought requiring everyone to like me
JK Rowling: I hope you’ll all catch my new podcasssst appearance
Rowling: the witch trialssss of JK Rowling
Rowling: you’d better catch my appearance
Rowling: if you know what’ssss good for you
Stephen King: joanne, what are you saying?
Rowling: I’ve had my lawyer write up a legally binding order that you will lissssten to the podcasssst or I will sssue
King: what’s this red stain here
Rowling: jusssst ignore that
Rowling: I’m going to be on megan phelps-roper’s podcast
Rowling: because I believe
Rowling: if there’ssss anyone who will give me a fair ssshake
Rowling: it’s gonna be the wessstboro baptissst church
Rowling: each of you will ssssign now
Dean Koontz: gosh, ok
Poe: no dean don’t sign that
Poe: joanne really? You can’t make dean sign this
Poe: you know he doesn’t know what these words mean
King: should I sign?
Poe: no steve you really shouldn’t either
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Rowling: mary you’re jusssst in time to ssssign this legally binding contract
Rowling: that sssay you’ll listen to my podcassst and in exchange I won’t sssue you
Shelley:
Shelley: someone done told you wrong
Rowling: perhapsss I wassssn’t clear
Rowling: you WILL hear from my lawyer if you don’t sssign
Rowling: and asss the firssst woman writer, your refussal iss alssso misssogyny
Shelley: Damn I’d better check with my lawyers first
Shelley: [kissing fists] they’re partners in the firm of FUCK and YOU
***
Megan Phelps-Roper: hey you’re listening to the witch trials of jk rowling, W KZFM in the morning with Megan Phelps-Roper and the weasel [air horn sound effect]
Phelps-Roper: we are here with the main boss lady herself, Jk R-r-r-rowling!
Rowling: good to be here
Phelps-Roper: now its time for our 10 am challenge [‘Oh Yeah’ plays]
Phelps-Roper: JK Rowling, will you
Phelps-Roper: live
Phelps-Roper: on air
Phelps-Roper: eat a bug?
Rowling:
Rowling: wave it around ssso it looks like it’s alive
Rowling: hey weren’t you in the westboro Baptist church
Phelps-Roper: oh yeah haha everyone remembers that
Phelps-Roper: yeah, picketing funerals, yelling slurs at grieving parents
Phelps-Roper: those were good times
Phelps-Roper: but I’m really concentrating more on self-care these days
Phelps-Roper: yeah I know everyone likes to worry about all those gays and jews I used to harass
Phelps-Roper: but their pain was necessary for my journey of discovery
Phelps-Roper: the important thing
Phelps-Roper: is that I am SUCH a good person now
Rowling: yessss of courssse
Rowling: look a lot of people have been ssssaying to cancel harry potter
Rowling: and I jussst think that we should consssider the other perspective
Rowling: what about
Rowling: inssstead of cancelling harry potter
Rowling: you just continued to give large amounts of money to me, its creator?
Phelps-Roper: wow, never thought of it that way before!
Rowling: I ssssay thisss as a disinterested third party, of course
Rowling: people keep asking
Rowling: ‘jk rowling, why don’t you condemn thesssse nazisss who keep showing up at your ralliesss’
Rowling: I’m jussst like wow
Rowling: I guess I’m just not close-minded like some people
Phelps-Roper: wow wow good point
Rowling: look, it’s not for me to judge other people
Rowling: that’sss for a special wizengamot-appointed tribunal with special genital measuring calipers
Rowling: we’re going to have the Kriegsloks leave from platform 5 ¾
Rowling: honestly I think you’re going to find this whole genocide we’re planning just really charming
Phelps-Roper: how do you respond to allegations that you’re allied with nazis?
Rowling: [chuckling] oh megan I’d be lying if I said we weren’t allied with nazis!
Phelps-Roper:
Phelps-Roper: well, touche
***
Rowling: I mean, who’ssss to know whatsss right or wrong?
Phelps-Roper: wow if you think about it
Phelps-Roper: trans people and people who want to kill trans people are really just equally bad
Rowling: that is libelous and you will hear from my lawyer
Rowling: because transss people are definitely worsssse
Phelps-Roper: let’s go to the phones
Phelps-Roger: hello caller you’re on the air with megan phelps-roger and the weasel, talk to us [toilet flush sound effect]
Jesse Singal: hey megan phelps-roper
Singal: long time listener first time caller
Singal: I’m calling you today from internet prison
Singal: I put myself in here and then I threw away the key!!
Phelps-Roper: I’m sorry do you have a question for our guest
Singal: I just want everyone to know I’m not mad
Singal: please don’t say on your podcast that I’m mad
Singal: I just want all your listeners to help me let myself out of internet jail
Singal: write to your congressman and petition to let me let myself out of internet jail
Rowling: we were really talking about me right now, jesssse
Singal: but mommy
Singal: everyone’s mad at me cuz I just wrote about my concerns about trans youth
Rowling: well good newsssss, jessssse
Rowling: once we ban all trans healthcare, you won’t need to write about it ever again
Singal:
Rowling: in fact there won’t really even be a need for you at all
Singal:
Phelps-Roper: damn that’s all the time we have today on megan phelps-roper and the weasel K-ZFM 400!! When you want the best of the 80s, 90s, and today, turn your crank to K-ZFM!
Singal: I’m not done tho
Phelps-Roper: and we’re done [toilet flush sound effect]
Singal: no mommy don’t leave me!
***
[at unicorn fuck club]
JRR Tolkien: oh brandon
Tolkien: we heard about that wired article
Tolkien: tough break
Brandon Sanderson: well good golly gosh
Sanderson: I just
Sanderson: I just don’t know
Sanderson: I just don’t know why everyone’s gotta be so negative goshdarnit
Sanderson: like all this negativity
Sanderson: it’s so golly darn negative don’t ya know
Sanderson: oo it just makes me so
Sanderson: [looking at CTR ring]
Sanderson: [deep breath] calm down brandon it’s all good
Sanderson: what would ted lasso do
Sanderson: I tell you don’t you know
Sanderson: that article was just so gosh darn negative
Sanderson: why, I hid to write three new books to calm myself down don’t cha know
Sanderson: “A Stone of Mists and Time”
Sanderson: “A Groan of Fists and Rhyme”
Sanderson: and “A Moan of Cysts and Lime”
Sanderson:
Sanderson: I invented a fourth magic rule too
Sanderson: I just don’t know why that article said I’m boring
Sanderson: I think I’m a fun guy don’t you know
Sanderson: like I can be pretty crazy when I let loose don’t ya know
Sanderson: like look I’m wearing a jacket without a tie!
Sanderson: you guys think I’m fun don’t cha?
JRR Tolkien:
GRR Martin:
Brian Jacques:
Sanderson: you know you should all come over and see my home theater
Sanderson: we’re gonna screen Saturday’s Warrior!
Sanderson: you should all come over, we’re gonna watch A Field So White
Tolkien:
Martin:
Jacques:
Jacques: [squeaking] will there be feasting?
Sanderson: we’re gonna have funeral potatoes
Martin: funeral potatoes?
Martin: oh damn that sounds metal
Sanderson: oh good golly gosh no
GRR Martin: so these video game guys tapped me to write for this game
Sanderson:
Martin: bender ring or something
Sanderson: ELDEN RING!
Sanderson: ITS CALLED ELDEN RING!!
Martin: yeah I don’t know why they picked me
Sanderson: !!
Martin: I don’t know much about these so-called video games
Martin: not like I’ve been blogging about this game series or anything
Sanderson: !!!
Martin: mostly, I like to talk sports
Martin: did you guys catch the sports?
Martin: oh man did you guys catch the sports?
Sanderson: !!!
Martin: my favorite part is when the team I support gets more points than the team I oppose
Tolkien: which team do you support?
Martin: home
Sanderson: !!!!!
***
Owl Goingback: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the coyote rage
Goingback: cuz despite all his rage
Goingback: he’s still just a coyote in a cage
Goingback: so coyote the trickster
Dean Koontz: 😊
Goingback: he’s got an evil plan
Koontz: no
Koontz: no I don’t believe that
Koontz: I don’t believe any dog can truly be evil
Goingback: coyote has an evil plan
Goingback: oh, man, this plan? So evil!
Goingback: “I am going to put this evil plan into motion” said coyote
Goingback: “and then”
Goingback: “The evil plan will come, at some point after that, to fruition”
Goingback: coyote is sick of humans hunting his kind and destroying the planet
Koontz: gosh! I never thought about that
Koontz: are we the bad guys?
Goingback: no no of course not, see, coyote he’s the evil one and
Goingback:
Goingback: wait a second
Goingback: okay fair oh yeah now that I think about it, coyote DOES have a point
King: it is true, i heard that humans do a lot of damage to the planet
Barker: ha ha we suck
Goingback: coyote is going to destroy humanity
Goingback: and the other animals on the Great Council are all “nooo”
Goingback: “I mean, yeah, we hate humans too and they suck”
Goingback: “but goshdarnit there are rules”
Goingback: to do this, coyote has to kill the last human representative on the Great Council
Goingback: he’s gonna pursue him across the spirit world in a merry madcap chase
Goingback: there’s also this funeral director lady
Goingback: not a lot going on with her tbh
Goingback: luckily the other shapeshifters are
Frank Belknap Long: shapeshifters you say????
Barker: haha oh christ here we go
Long: I want to hear more about these shapeshifters
Long: these sexy sexy shapeshifters
Goingback: the shapeshifters are able to wear their fur or feathers inside
Goingback: or outside
Long: god I wish that was me
Long: you know, I have a bit of a spirit animal myself
Goingback:
Long: it’s a blue day-go wolf who wears a bandanna
Goingback:
Long: he’s a DJ by day, an assassin by night
Goingback: that’s a fursona
Goingback: that is
Goingback: a fursona
Goingback: so the shapeshifting process is pretty painful and gruesome
Goingback: like turning yourself inside out
Long: I prefer when random body parts just change and there’s a “FWOOMP” sound
Goingback:
Goingback: like ludmi-
Long: yes!! Exactly!!!
Long: exactly like ludmilla!!!
Long: how did you know?!