Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 19
First off, it’s Hugo nomination season! I was nominated for best fan writer last year and I’ve decided that I have acquired a taste for being nominated for prizes. If you like what I do, feel free to nominate me, Bitter Karella, for best fan writer again this year! You can see the nomination form here: https://en.chengduworldcon.com/hugo-awards/#/index
Secondly, I wanted to remind everyone that I’m going to be a guest of honor at Authorcon II in Virginia from March 31-April 2! I’m really excited, this will be my very first horror convention. There’s gonna be lots of cool stuff going on and I hope to meet some of you folks there! While I’m there, you can see me at the following panels:
Friday, 7:15pm – 8:15pm (Second Floor, Room 18): Body Horror Beyond – Lucas Milliron (Moderator), Hailey Piper, Bitter Karella, Gemma Amor, and Matt Serafini discuss the latest in body horror fiction and film.
Saturday, 10:15am – 11:15am (Second Floor, Room 15): Queer Horror 2023 – Sam Richard (moderator), Bitter Karella, Jamie Flanagan, Rebecca Rowland, Dorian J. Sinnott, and Nikki Nelson Hicks discuss the latest trends and the hottest books in queer horror.
Saturday, 1:15pm – 2:00pm (Second Floor, Room 8): Bitter Karella and Mary SanGiovanni
Saturday, 3:30pm – 4:30pm (Second Floor, Room 16): Cryptids – Bigfoot, Mothman, and their kin are experiencing a resurgence in horror fiction. C.W. Briar (moderator), Bitter Karella, Laurel Hightower, Pamela K. Kinney, and Dan Franklin discuss the trend and some of their favorites.
Other than that, I’ll have a table in the dealers’ room and if you see me walking around, say hi! Hopefully you’ll be able to recognize me; I make it my business to be recognizable XD This is me, btw:
Here’s some Midnight Pals!
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
Jesse Singal: mommy mommy look at me!!
Singal: I’m a real reporter!!!
JK Rowling: you’re doing great jesssse
Singal: I did it for you mommy!
Singal: I did it all for you!!!
Singal: mommy mommy!!!
Singal: I have an affadavit mommy!!!
Singal: a kid went to a clinic and said they were an attack helicopter and got hormones!!!
Singal: I saw the helicopter and the helicopter looked at me!!!
Rowling:
Rowling: ssssoundssss legit
Singal: a kid went to a clinic & said they were an attack helicopter & got hormones!!!!!
Rowling: that definitely ssoundss like ssomething that would happen
Rowling: wait what kind of hormoness
Singal:
Singal: helicopter hormones?
Rowling:
Rowling: right right of coursse
Rowling: there’sss no way that couldn’t be real
Jesse Singal: mommy mommy people are being mean to me online
Singal: they’re saying that the helicopter thing was a self-deprecating joke!
Rowling: that doesssn’t sssound right
Rowling: everyone knowssss that transsss people never sssay anything that isssn’t 100% true
Rowling: that’ssss why you have to take everything they sssay absssolutely at face value
Rowling: except when they talk about their gender
Rowling: that’sss the only exception
JK Rowling: excellent work, jessssse
Rowling: thissss will definitely help our causssse
Rowling: when they hear how we’re sssspreading private medical information about children, people will definitely underssstand that we’re the good guyssss in thissss situation
Rowling: wow, look at all this private medical information! This is great!
Rowling: wait one second, I’m getting a note from my lawyer
[alison bailey places lump of wet spaghetti in JK Rowling’s hand]
Singal: mommy look I got an affidavit saying that the helicopter is real!!
Singal: you can’t lie in an affidavit!!!
Singal: [examining affadavit closely] huh
Singal: funny thing about this affadavit
Singal: it was never notarized
Singal: [trips, spaghetti falls out of affidavit]
Singal: golly mommy!!! People are saying that I did a hippaa violation!!
Singal: I better destroy this evidence!
Singal: [more spaghetti falling out of pockets] where does all this spaghetti keep coming from?
Singal: [desperately shoving wet spaghetti back into pockets] hey does anyone know if it’s a crime to do a crime
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: joanne
Rowling: I’m jussst here to clarify my posssition on transss people
Barker: oh damn wow
Barker: damn wow everyone stop what you’re doing
Barker: joanne’s got something to say about trans people
Poe: clive
Barker: sh edgar I don’t want to miss a word
Barker: I bet this is really gonna surprise us all
Rowling: I jusssst wanted to clarify
Rowling: my opinion
Rowling: which isss that we need to find sssome kind of
Rowling: final sssolution for them
Rowling: I’m not transssphobic by the way
Barker: wow damn did not see that coming
Barker: about to have a heart attack and die from the shock of this revelation
Barker: bout time for you to say the line edgar
Poe: no you can go on
Rowling: look, I’m not transssphobic
Rowling: I jussss think that transss people should all disssappear
Rowling: and I think the bessst way I can make that happen is by ssssupporting global fascism
Rowling: with my wordssss and my wealth
Rowling: I jussst wanted to clarify my opinion there
Barker: you have literally not revealed any new information
Rowling: no but sssee I wanted to clarify
Barker: like, we all already knew this
King: yeah joanne I feel like you’ve been pretty clear about this
Poe: yeah I think we all understand what you’re saying
Rowling: good
Rowling: then you underssstand I’m not being transssphobic
Rowling: I cannot be argued out of thissss possssition
Rowling: my brain issss too powerful to be ssswayed by factssss
Rowling: unlike you puny mammalsss, I have a dorssssal ventricular ridge in my telencephalon
King: jeez joanne you know I’m a huge fan of harry potter but gosh that’s just pretty bad I gotta say
Rowling: I knew that you harry potter fansssss are deeply unhappy with my transss views
Rowling: but you have to underssstand
Rowling: I jusssst really love transssphobia
Rowling: it’sss great
Rowling: I underssstand you feel betrayed assss a harry potter fan, sssteve
Rowling: but you won’t feel that way for long
King: really?
Rowling: yesss
Rowling: cuz it’s illegal to feel betrayed by my views
Rowling: you’ll be hearing from my lawyersss
Rowling: I wasss jussst thinking
Rowling: really, if you think about it
Rowling: I’m the real victim here
Rowling: I mean, people were very very rude to me
Rowling: I had to buy a four foot fence!
Rowling: do you know how much that cosssst?
Rowling: that’s money I could have been ussssing to sssue my fansss
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: joanne
Rowling: I’m jussst here to clarify my posssition on transss people
Barker: oh damn wow
Barker: damn wow everyone stop what you’re doing
Barker: joanne’s got something to say about trans people
Poe: clive
Barker: sh edgar I don’t want to miss a word
Barker: I bet this is really gonna surprise us all
Rowling: I jusssst wanted to clarify
Rowling: my opinion
Rowling: which isss that we need to find sssome kind of
Rowling: final sssolution for them
Rowling: I’m not transssphobic by the way
Barker: wow damn did not see that coming
Barker: about to have a heart attack and die from the shock of this revelation
Barker: bout time for you to say the line edgar
Poe: no you can go on
Rowling: look, I’m not transssphobic
Rowling: I jussss think that transss people should all disssappear
Rowling: and I think the bessst way I can make that happen is by ssssupporting global fascism
Rowling: with my wordssss and my wealth
Rowling: I jussst wanted to clarify my opinion there
Barker: you have literally not revealed any new information
Rowling: no but sssee I wanted to clarify
Barker: like, we all already knew this
King: yeah joanne I feel like you’ve been pretty clear about this
Poe: yeah I think we all understand what you’re saying
Rowling: good
Rowling: then you underssstand I’m not being transssphobic
Rowling: I cannot be argued out of thissss possssition
Rowling: my brain issss too powerful to be ssswayed by factssss
Rowling: unlike you puny mammalsss, I have a dorssssal ventricular ridge in my telencephalon
King: jeez joanne you know I’m a huge fan of harry potter but gosh that’s just pretty bad I gotta say
Rowling: I knew that you harry potter fansssss are deeply unhappy with my transss views
Rowling: but you have to underssstand
Rowling: I jusssst really love transssphobia
Rowling: it’sss great
Rowling: I underssstand you feel betrayed assss a harry potter fan, sssteve
Rowling: but you won’t feel that way for long
King: really?
Rowling: yesss
Rowling: cuz it’s illegal to feel betrayed by my views
Rowling: you’ll be hearing from my lawyersss
Rowling: I wasss jussst thinking
Rowling: really, if you think about it
Rowling: I’m the real victim here
Rowling: I mean, people were very very rude to me
Rowling: I had to buy a four foot fence!
Rowling: do you know how much that cosssst?
Rowling: that’s money I could have been ussssing to sssue my fansss
***
Ray Bradbury: Submitted for the approval of the midnight Society, I call this the tale of the eternal summer, the last vestiges of muggy august giving way to the bluster of autumn, the twinkling lights of town below in the humid night, young lovers stealing kisses in the dark, old men on the porch, jawin and chewin and chuckling at remembrances of romances long past
Barker: you’re literally just describing a Thomas Kinkade painting
Poe: clive
Stephen King: wow ray you really come up with some evocative imagery!
King: whatever inspired you to become a writer anyway?
Bradbury: well, it all started when I went to the county fair and met a wizard
Koontz: whoa! A real wizard!
King: no dean he’s talking about a magician
Bradbury: [chuckling] am I?
Bradbury: mr electrico was no mere magician!
Bradbury: he had the REAL power!!!
Bradbury: the power
Bradbury: to fire a young boy’s IMAGINATION!
Neil Gaiman: [clapping] right, right! Good show! Right on!
Ray Bradbury: and Mr Electrico pointed a flaming electrical sword at me and said
Bradbury: “LIVE FOREVER!!”
Bradbury: now I cannot be killed
Gretchen Felker-Martin: oh yeah, big mood
Bradbury: Mr Electrico said “Live Forever!”
Bradbury: Now I cannot be killed
Bradbury: and it’s true
Bradbury: c’mon try it out
Stephen King: no no I couldn’t
Bradbury: c’mon
Bradbury: c’mon!!!
Bradbury: come at me bro!!!
Bradbury: I can take it!!
Bradbury: [slapping chest] c’mon, take a swing at me!
Stephen King: I really don’t want to fight you Ray
Bradbury: do it! Do it!
Barker: I’ll do it
Poe: clive
Barker: I’m just giving him what he wants!
Poe: clive
Poe: clive he’s like 100 years old
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Bradbury: mary!!! Come at me!
Mary Shelley: okie dokie [immediately shivs Bradbury, blade snaps]
Mary Shelley: what the fuck
Bradbury: ha! this isn’t even a tenth of my power!!!
Bradbury: what did I tell you?!
Bradbury: not a single one of you could defeat you!!
Mary Shelley: oh yeah?
Mary Shelley: guess we’ll have to gang up on you!! Get ‘im boys!
[Ann Radcliffe and Monk Lewis approach with chain and billy club respectively]
[Bradbury effortlessly blocks roundhouse kick by Wrath James White]
Bradbury: ha! Laughable!
[Bradbury effortlessly sidesteps kung fu chop by Alan Baxter]
Bradbury: ha! Pathetic!
Bradbury: come on! Come at me!
Robert E Howard: you sure about this pardna?
Howard: this ain’t no pea shooter hombre
Bradbury: [slapping chest] what’s the matter, ya pussy?
Bradbury: Fuckin do it!!
Howard: hold on thar pardna
Howard: I think ya might wanna calm down
Bradbury: [grabbing gun and pulling Robert E Howard closer]
Bradbury: DO
Bradbury: IT
Howard: [aiming gun] okay pilgrim you asked fer it
Poe: bob
Poe: bob this is getting ridiculous
Poe: bob don’t
Howard: [cocking gun] sorry pardna
Howard: I gotta
Howard: it’s the law of the west
Ray Bradbury: [flexing] Behold!!! The power of Mr. Electrico!!! The electric man!!!
Barker: so ray
Barker: I hear this magician’s fake
Poe: clive
Bradbury: he’s a real magician
Barker: is he now
Barker: then why hasn’t anyone ever heard of him
Bradbury: he
Bradbury: he lives in Canada
***
Ray Bradbury: and so, at that dusty little carnival on that humid summer night
Bradbury: that little boy saw real magic for the first time
Aleister Crowley: c’mon, that’s not what real magic is
Crowley: real magic is when get a woman to suck your dick so hard you can move objects with your mind
Crowley: GO WILDCATS!
Crowley: helps if you’re wearing a big pyramid hat with an eyeball on it
Crowley: chicks cannot resist the big pyramid hat with the eyeball
Crowley: [nudging Sonia greene] eh? Eh?
Greene: it’s over aleister
Crowley: I don’t get it, leah hirsig went mad with lust in 3 minutes
Victor Neuburg: glavin I really like your pyramid hat aleister
Crowley: S-SHUT UP NERDBURG
Crowley: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR I’LL POUND YOU
[later]
Crowley: [blushing, confused] h-he said he liked my pyramid hat <3
Alan Moore: [appearing in a cloud of smoke]
Alan Moore: foolish hedge wizard!! Your powers are nothing compared to the arch magus!
Moore: true magic is when you roll a natural 12 on your dexterity saving throw!
Manly Wade Wellman: No way! Real magic is when you wrap a potato with red yarn and bury it under a widow’s doorstep
Eve Harms: you’re all full of it
Harms: real magic is all about memorizing a really complicated math diagram
Ray Bradbury: you all claim you’re versed in the ways of magic
Bradbury: but can any of you explain away the mystery of what makes a young man’s heart flutter pitter pat when he first calls on his lady friend, her freshly laundered shift dress rippling in the warm autumn breeze, to escort her to the barn dance down at Miller’s General Store?
Moore:
Crowley:
Wellman:
Harms:
Bradbury: also real magic is about electricity
Bradbury: can any of you put a lightbulb in your mouth and make it light up?
Crowley: what, like uncle fester?
Bradbury: yeah like uncle fester
Crowley:
Crowley: oh hell, I can’t compete with that
Eve Harms: no but check out this diagram of eight intersecting triangles
Harms: it’s called "the thinkological fulcrum"
Crowley: whats it do
Harms: if you cross your eyes just right, it shows you a biblically accurate angel
Crowley: hmm
Crowley: I could probably fuck that
Crowley: here, show me how it works