Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 18
Nothing to say this week, so let’s get some pals going in here!
***
Roald Dahl: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the unexpected
Stephen King: is this an original tale of the unexpected or one of the revised ones? Dahl: ee hee hee what
King: cuz I heard they were revising some of your stories
King: you know, to make them more sensitive for the modern world
Dahl: ee hee hee what
Dahl: eee hee hee did they take out the sexy blueberry inflation scene?
King: uh
King: no that’s still in there
King:
King: why did you just describe it as “sexy”
Dahl: oh um no reason
Dahl: eee hee hee
Dahl: eee hee hee did they take out the sexy shrinking scene?
King: uh
King: in which book?
Dahl: oh, all of them
Dahl: actually ee hee hee in retrospect
Dahl: I think my work SHOULD be revised
King: really?
Dahl: yes
Dahl: is there a way to make the blueberry scene go on longer?
Dahl: ee hee hee
Dahl: do you ever think about
Dahl: what if violet got as big as the world
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Dahl: I just think that would be interesting ee hee hee
Dahl: and then I’m gonna commission a deviantart artist to draw her
Dahl: ee hee hee
Dahl: I need an artist who can draw mind-bending body horror images
Junji Ito: I’m your man
Dahl: ee hee hee fantastic
Dahl: and she’s got to be dressed EXACTLY like the movie
Ito: ok
Dahl: and saying the line
Dahl: the EXACT line
Ito: ok
Dahl: ee hee hee
Dahl: and I want a second panel with just a generic starburst
Ito: thats gonna cost extra
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I want to introducccce our newest recruit
Rowling: Aliccce Walker
Alice Walker: “children” is a gender-neutral form of address that will turn people trans
Walker: issssn’t she great?
Rowling: welcome to my terf deatheatersss, alice
Walker: great to be here
Walker: no better way for an esteemed legacy of civil rights and feminist activism to end
Walker: than here in the den of rational thought
Walker: hey joanne you went pretty easy on the goblins in your book
Walker: I liked the part in your book where the goblins ran the banks
Rowling: yesss
Walker: and the part where they make matzo out of Christian baby blood
Rowling:
Rowling: uh
Rowling: that didn’t happen in the book
Walker: oh sorry was that just in the movie?
Rowling: that wassssn’t in the movie
Walker: oh the video game then?
Walker: I mean, you didn’t leave that out did you?
Walker: seems like a real oversight!
Rowling: I don’t get it
Rowling: it’ss sso weird how we try to be transsphobess but we keep attracting antisssemitesss
Rowling: itsss like thossse thingsss are connected ssomehow
Rowling:
Walker: maybe trans people are a jewish conspiracy?
Rowling: yess yess that musst be it!
Rowling: you know, I really don’t know how we don’t have lovecraft at thesssse meetingssss
Rowling: we’re literally ssscared of all the sssame ssstuff!
Walker: I have a poem I’d like to read
Walker: it’s called “my stupid jewish lawyer ex, he is stupid and smells”
Rowling: yess YESS
Rowling: you’ll find in nicccely here
Rowling: becausse if there’sss one thing about my terf deatheatersss
Rowling: they are all EXTREMELY divorced
***
Ben Wheatley: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the sad hit man
Wheatley: a mind-bending tale of psychological horror with a big twist!
Wheatley: the twist is that its folk horror
Wheatley: for the last 20 minutes
Wheatley: so there’s this creepy cult
Stephen King: sounds scary!
Wheatley: and it’s out in the boonies
Ramsey Campbell: yes!
Wheatley: in England
Campbell: YES!
Wheatley: hope you’re all ready for some English horror
Barker: does it take place in a field?
Poe: Clive
Wheatley: NO
Wheatley: not
Wheatley: not mostly
Wheatley:
Wheatley: I mean, there is a field involved
Barker: ah haha
Wheatley: it’s not the same field!
Wheatley: I have range!
Wheatley: this move’s gonna be totally different!
Barker: oh yeah? Do tell
Wheatley: this time, nothing happens for the first hour
Barker:
Barker: what, nothing happens?
Wheatley: well, I mean a dog gets killed
Koontz: what
Wheatley: I know you’re all excited for the folk horror
Wheatley: but first
Wheatley: an hour and a half of this doughy whiner’s marriage problems
King: so I’d like to know more about this cult
Wheatley: no
King:
King: is it a pagan cult or
Wheatley: not saying
King:
King: maybe a weird harvest-
Wheatley: not saying
King: so is the cult connected with anything that happened earlier in the movie
Wheatley: not saying
King:
Lovecraft:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
King: what about
Wheatley: not saying
Wheatley: this is called the horror of the ambiguous
Wheatley: you wouldn’t get it, it’s an English thing
Wheatley: very English
Koontz: I don’t like when the dog dies
Wheatley: well if it makes you feel any better, a cat dies too
Koontz:
Koontz: why
Koontz: why would that make me feel better
Wheatley: well cuz
Wheatley: cuz
Wheatley:
Wheatley: I don’t know why I said that
Lovecraft: I-i don’t like when the cat dies