Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 17
Exciting things coming up in March! For those of you who aren't already aware, I'm going to be a guest of honor at Authorcon II in Virginia from March 31-April 2! I’m really excited, this will be my very first horror convention. There’s gonna be lots of cool stuff going on and I hope to meet some of you folks there! While I’m there, you can see me at the following panels:
Friday, 7:15pm – 8:15pm (Second Floor, Room 18): Body Horror Beyond – Lucas Milliron (Moderator), Hailey Piper, Bitter Karella, Gemma Amor, and Matt Serafini discuss the latest in body horror fiction and film.
Saturday, 10:15am – 11:15am (Second Floor, Room 15): Queer Horror 2023 – Sam Richard (moderator), Bitter Karella, Jamie Flanagan, Rebecca Rowland, Dorian J. Sinnott, and Nikki Nelson Hicks discuss the latest trends and the hottest books in queer horror.
Saturday, 1:15pm – 2:00pm (Second Floor, Room 8): Bitter Karella and Mary SanGiovanni
Saturday, 3:30pm – 4:30pm (Second Floor, Room 16): Cryptids – Bigfoot, Mothman, and their kin are experiencing a resurgence in horror fiction. C.W. Briar (moderator), Bitter Karella, Laurel Hightower, Pamela K. Kinney, and Dan Franklin discuss the trend and some of their favorites.
Other than that, I’ll have a table in the dealers’ room and if you see me walking around, say hi! Hopefully you’ll be able to recognize me; I make it my business to be recognizable XD This is me, btw:
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***
Anyway, here’s some Midnight Pals!
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Shelley: check it out, this is my girlfriend Jane Williams
Williams: sup
Stephen King: whoa whoa wait a second mary
King: I thought you were dating percy
Shelley: yeah
King:
King: well now I’m just all confused
King: oh wait no I get it
King: when you say that she’s your girlfriend
King: you mean that you’re, like, gal pals right?
Shelley: no
King: ok but wait
Barker: they’re lesbians, Stephen
King: but wait are you sure?
King: this is all very confusing
Shelley: the fuck is so confusing, nerd?
Shelley: [waggling tongue between index and middle fingers] gonna get me some tousy-mousy
King: i
King: what?
Barker: she’s talking about pussy, Stephen
King: but I thought she was dating percy!
Shelley: I play both sides, Stephen
King: what does that mean
Shelley: I’m bi
King: ok but what does that mean
Shelley: I love dick and I love pussy
King: oh but there’s so many ways to interpret that statement
Shelley: no there isn’t
King: I’m just so confused about all this
King: how come your mom lets you have TWO lovers?
Mary Shelley: cuz I fuck like a champ
King:
Barker: ah ha ha YES
Angela Carter: it’s not that confusing steve
Carter: mary’s bi
Carter: we should all be so lucky
Carter: cuz let me tell you
Angela Carter: men are trash but just can’t get enough of that sweet sweet dick
King: gosh mary but
King: does percy know?
Mary Shelley: haha “does percy know”
Mary Shelley: percy how do you feel about jane Williams
Percy Shelley: ah an angel! An ideal, utopian woman!!
Percy Shelley: she’s so good at music
Percy Shelley: and cleaning house!
Mary Shelley: lol ok percy that’s enough
Mary Shelley: get back in your basket
Percy Shelley: yes dear
***
Patricia Highsmith: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the charming sociopath
Dean Koontz: tell the story about the black terror!
Highsmith: ehhh
Koontz: I like when he hits the bad guys and
Highsmith: okay ya twisted my arm, here’s the story of the black terror
Highsmith: so there’s this superhero called the black terror
Highsmith: and he’s got this girlfriend named jean starr
Highsmith: wotta dame! Real paira stems on her
Koontz: how did the black terror get his powers
Highsmith: what? I dunno, from ants or something
Highsmith: but as I was sayin, this jean starr
Highsmith: now jean starr, she’s a real looker
Highsmith: a real sheba McWowWow
Highsmith: a real hotsy totsy
Highsmith: a real dynamite dame
Highsmith: [dramatically dousing herself with convenient bucket of water]
Koontz: how did he get powers from ants
Highsmith: what? I dunno, he inhaled a powder he made from ants
Highsmith: now jean starr
Koontz: how did he make get ant powder?
Highsmith: I don’t know, he’s a pharmacist
Koontz: but
Highsmith: JESUS CHRIST, DEAN
Highsmith: SHUT UP
Koontz: who does he fight?
Highsmith: I don’t know, bad guys
Koontz: but which bad guys?
Highsmith: you know
Highsmith: the usual
Highsmith: robots, gangsters
Highsmith: maybe the odd alien
Highsmith: who gives a shit
Angela Carter: interesting story, patricia
Carter: what if he encountered a female villain who was his match?
Carter: I think that would be very empowering
Highsmith: oh yeah and she’s gotta be hot
Carter: oh she doesn’t need to be hot
Highsmith: no no I heard ya loud and clear
Angela Carter: so you’ve worked a lot with this black terror concept
Highsmith: yeah he’s public domain
Carter: no! you fool! don’t say-
Alan Moore: [appearing in flash of smoke] DOTH THE ARCH MAGUS HEAR YON PUBLIC DOMAIN SUPER HERO???
Moore: stand aside, mortals! The arch magus must work his magic to
Moore: reimagine this property!
Moore: [furrows forehead in concentration while pondering orb]
Moore: what if
Moore: what if the black terror was very very old and he was fucking a hot young co-ed?
Highsmith:
Highsmith: well I like the second part of that
***
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have excellent newsssss
Rowling: Florida is going to kidnap transss kids
Rowling: and alsssso any kid whom a hillbilly magissstrate might think might possssibly sssomeday gender nonconform
Rowling: thissss is great, they’ll take away the children
Rowling: and any sssupportive parentssss go ssstraight to jail
Rowling: yesss, we’re all very excited for the DDDEA
Rowling: the Drunk Divorced Dad Empowerment Act
Jesse Singal: mommy mommy where will they take them
Rowling: oh they’re going to take all the transsss kidsss out to a nice farm
Rowling: where there’sss plenty of sssspace to run around
Jesse Singal: mommy mommy I helped
Rowling: yesss you did jesssse
Singal: I was just asking questions mommy
Singal: did I just ask the questions good mommy?
Rowling: yesss you did jessse
Singal: but mommy our work isn’t done yet
Rowling: that’ssss right jesssse
Singal: like, when they take those kids away
Singal: they need to make sure that they stay gender conforming right mommy?
Rowling: yesss jesssse
Singal: so they’ll need someone to check their junk right mommy?
Singal: mommy mommy I volunteer
Rowling: jessse we all admire your commitment to the causse
Rowling: but you’ll need to talk to the florida medical board about that
Rowling: which I believe is currently ssstaffed by 3 phrenologistsss
Rowling: a trepanner
Rowling: and a goblin hunter
Rowling: I gotta sssay, it’sss incredible what ssstridesss our causes has made in florida sssince they outlawed real medicine
Singal: oh mommy I just want to help out mommy
Singal: I’m a good boy mommy
Singal: I’m ready to help mommy!
Singal: [pulling on rubber gloves] I’m doing my part!
Singal: where will they put those kids mommy
Rowling: probably in ssssome sssort of camp
Singal: what happens then mommy
Rowling: I don’t know, I don’t care
Rowling: what happened to those kidsss they put in thossse border campssss?
Singal: I think they mostly died
Rowling: oh
Rowling: you better hurry up then
Rowling: they won’t need anyone to check dead kidssss’ junk
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