Bitter Karella's Hot Fresh Slurry 16
Let’s get right to the main event this week. :) Here, have some Midnight Pals!
***
Ross Douthat: [wearing hat with PRESS tag] why are kids today so depressed?
Douthat: I, Ross Douthat, serious thinker, take a hard look at the question in today's new york times
Douthat: because sometimes even the grey lady needs a break from cheerleading genocide
Douthat: could it be that they live in a soul-crushing panopticon with no hope for the future amid rising fascism, climate catastrophe and unchecked disease?
Douthat: or it it be
Douthat: cell phones?
Douthat: kids today, all they want to do is look at their cellphones!
Douthat: and while i'm at it
Douthat: [shaking fist at cloud]
Douthat: why are kids today so obsessed with cellphones?
Joyce Carol Oates: maybe it's because you're a boring little bitch
Douthat:
Douthat:
[FATALITY! appears on screen]
Poe: did you guys hear? Joyce bodied ross douthat!
Barker: Joyce? our Joyce?
Barker: Joyce Carol Oates?
Poe: yeah
Barker: damn
King: how's her foot doing?
Poe: well she still has it
Poe: so i imagine it must be doing better
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Poe: joyce carol oates just killed ross douthat
Shelley: huh
Shelley: [putting away shiv] well guess i won't need this today
***
John Baltisberger: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this
Baltisberger: the tale of Schlomo Spade, Kosher Dick
Lovecraft: [sweats] oh no
Lovecraft: [sweats] o h n o
Baltisberger: there’s also a kaiju involved
Lovecraft: [stops sweating] oh good
Baltisberger: the kaiju is also jewish
Lovecraft: [sweating resumes] oh no
Baltisberger: it was raining in the big Knish
Baltisberger: the kind of rain that was thick
Baltisberger: like matzo ball soup thick
Baltisberger: Schlomo Spade was in his office
Baltisberger: when in walked trouble
Baltisberger: trouble on a real pair of pulkes
Baltisberger: she was hysterical. Shiksa usually are
Baltisberger: said she had a case for me
Baltisberger: apparently a couple of dybbuks were making trouble up in schlamazeltown
Baltisberger: “not my beat,” I said “get yourself a rebbe or maybe even a cohen”
Baltisberger: “I’m just a two-bit gumshoe slash exorcist slash ritual kabbalah magician”
Baltisberger: “though my mother wanted me to be a doctor”
Baltisberger: schlomo spade get the call to investigate a new crime
Baltisberger: seems some nogudnik is taking big shits on torahs all over town
Baltisberger: I’ve tangled with this schmuck before
Baltisberger: zombie toilet jesus
Baltisberger: [sucking on atmospheric cigarette] just another nittelnacht in the city
Lovecraft: i-i
Lovecraft: I don’t know what any of those words mean
Lovecraft: but their alien tonalities rasp on my delicate anglo-saxon ears like the croaks of an Italian
Baltisberger: well good news
Baltisberger: it’s not Italian
Lovecraft: oh good
Baltisberger: now here’s the bad news
Lovecraft: I still don’t understand these words
Baltisberger: don’t worry, I’ll footnote them
Baltisberger: all of them
Lovecraft: oh no that’s too many footnotes
Mark Z Danielewski: you are¹⁸ like a little²³ baby⁵⁶ to me³⁴⁵⁶
***
Andrzej Żuławski: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the possession
William Peter Blatty: alright sounds like my kinda story!
Blatty: [rubbing hands together in anticipation] things bout to get real catholic in here!
Żuławski: no
Żuławski: so imagine
Żuławski: just imagine the two most extra people that you can imagine
King: ok
King: ok I’ve got that in my head
Żuławski: ok
Żuławski: now imagine they were married
Żuławski: in fact
Żuławski: forget about those two people
Żuławski: just imagine that everyone in the world was extremely extra
Żuławski: just the most extra
Żuławski: ok so this story is a metaphorical psychodrama about a disintegrating marriage
Lovecraft: i-is the squid monster real tho
Żuławski: no that’s a metaphor
Barker: is sam neill’s camel toe real tho
Żuławski:
Żuławski: that’s a gray area
Żuławski: ok so first it’s a tense psychodrama
Żuławski: but then it’s a Lovecraftian monster pastiche
Żuławski: now I’m bored with that, I want some action! Spies! Car chases! Explosions!
Żuławski: [mimicking gun with fingers] pew pew Pew Pew!
Żuławski: so this woman’s marriage is falling apart
Żuławski: so she starts moving like she’s doing interpretive modern dance
Żuławski: pretty much just the Sprockets dance
Żuławski: like all the time
Żuławski: so she starts cutting herself with an electric knife and smashing up the apartment
Patricia Highsmith: heh, that’s dames for ya
Highsmith: can’t live with ‘em
Highsmith: can’t replace ‘em with a perfect doppelganger!
Żuławski: you know how it is when you get divorced?
Żuławski: so you just start acting like a total deranged freak?
King: I wouldn’t know about that
Żuławski: naw c’mon guys back me up here
Żuławski: you know how it is
Żuławski: when you get divorced
Żuławski: and then just absolutely lose your mind
[meanwhile]
Elon Musk: mama mia lookita me, i putta da spaghetti behinda da pay wall! Oh!!!!
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: ah
Rowling: I have excellent newsssss
Rowling: my terf death eaterssss have acquired a very exciting new celebrity get
Rowling: time to celebrate! Letsss get ssssome tunessss playing!
[‘Streets of Cairo’ starts playing, Rowling sways hypnotically to beat]
Poe: what? what’s this celebrity get?
Rowling: the entire new York times op-ed section
Barker: those aren’t celebrities
Poe: oh clive I’m sure that to some people-
Barker: name one
Poe:
Rowling: we alsssso have luna lovegood!
Barker: do you now
Rowling: she’s a very famous acrtresssss
Barker: oh yeah? whats her name
Rowling: it’s lu
Rowling:
Rowling: this is harasssssment!!
Rowling: well we also have
Rowling:
Rowling: I’m pretty ssssure we have joyce carol oates
Barker: ha ha oh man
Barker: oh I’ve got something really funny to tell you
Barker: ha ha
Joyce Carol Oates: hey everyone it’s me, Joyce Carol Oates
Oates: I got some new takes for you
Oates: and I gotta warn you
Oates: some of these take
Oates: are a little
Oates: [sunglasses flash ‘WILD’] WILD!!!
Oates: Halloween, what’s up with that? Skeletons are pretty fucked up
Oates: when will they legalize same height marriage
Oates: I think there should be less cheese on things
Oates: ok that’s enough wild takes, time for a normal one
Oates: trans people shouldn’t be murdered
JK Rowling: OATESSSS! How could you!!!
Rowling: betrayalllll
Rowling: terf death eatersss!! Take her down!!!
Rowling: desssstroy her like she was graham Norton!!
Joyce Carol Oates: what’s your problem
Oates: maybe you should get a real life
Rowling: what the
Rowling: how dare you!!!
Rowling: I have a life!!
Rowling: it’sss very full and rewarding!!
Oates: maybe you should get a hobby
Rowling: I have plenty of hobbiessss!
Rowling: like going to transphobic brunchessss with people who wear masssksss of my face!!
Rowling: and
Rowling: and
Rowling: I have a whole room of candy in my ssscottish casssstle!!!
Rowling: do you!?
Rowling: die!!!!
[Oates effortlessly sidesteps attack]
Rowling: how are you so fasssst, you old devil?!
Rowling: I thought your foot was all fucked up!
Oates: I got better
Oates: come at me bro