Bitter Karella's Fresh Hot Slurry 53
Hey this is Bitter Karella, Internet bon vivant, and this is Bitter Karella’s Fresh Hot Slurry with all the news that’s fit to be extruded.
Whoa! Hello! You might have noticed something STRANGE this week — this newsletter is coming out on Tuesday rather than Monday! Whoa! What’s the deal with that?! Well, see, the podcast, Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals, is coming out on Tuesdays… so we figured, it’s probably a good idea to sync it up with the newsletter! Anyway, by the time you read this, the first two episodes should be AVAILABLE NOW!
First up, it’s The Tale of the Frankenstein! Mary Shelley tells her Midnight Pals a chilling tale about a brilliant young researcher, Victor, whose arrogance leads him to pursue a deadly ambition. The experiment has been attempted by generations of mad scientists, but never successfully accomplished: the creation of a Frankenstein! Stephen King gets pedantic about terminology.
Now available as well, it’s The Tale of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! A new candidate for the Midnight Society, insufferable San Francisco hipster Robert Louis Stevenson, attempts to impress the Pals with the story of Henry Jekyll, a Victorian psychiatrist. On the steamship home from a business trip, Jekyll's seemingly chance meeting with a certain Edward Hyde will change his perception of reality forever. In a twist so unexpected that nobody even knows it's a twist, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde turn out to be the same person! An adrenaline-fueled social satire of mischief, mayhem and soup.
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What a week! Forgot to mention it in last week’s newsletter on time, but the world premiere of the first episode of the Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals podcast happened last week with a special Twitch watch-along with the cast and crew (and some question and answers afterwards). If you missed the big event, you can still see it on Commander Rod’s Twitch! Or, of course, you can hear the episode mentioned above (S01E01: The Tale of the Frankenstein) without our commentary at Simplecast or where ever you listen to fine podcasts!
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Podcasts! Who appears on podcasts? Why, it’s me! Last week, I appeared on 48 Minutes of Dogs Barking Ep. 66: The Tale of the Baguette Pervert to discuss creepypasta and on Have You Seen This? Ep. 187 to discuss William Friedkin’s The Guardian!
You ever have a movie that traumatized you as a kid? For me, it was a movie that was once so rarely aired it was rumored not to exist, but its recent rediscovery on YouTube has brought its wonderful, egregiously over-animated horror into thousands of unsuspecting households. Join us this week on A Special Presentation, or Alf Will not be Seen Tonight for some exposure therapy, as co-host Ethan and special guest Glumdrop (co-authors of sci-fi creepypasta Joy Traveler) hold my hand and tell me everything is gonna be okay as we work our way through the horror of Raggedy Ann and Andy: A Musical Adventure. And if you really like to hear me rant about how much I hate Raggedy Ann and Andy: A Musical Adventure, you can also hear my appearance on Have You Seen this? episode where Jennifer Albright made me watch it.
Anyway, Here’s some Midnight Pals!
***
Joe Hill: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society I call this the tale of the really creative guy and his vampire car
King: wow that’s the chip off the old block! I’m proud of you
Barker: oh god not another horror car
Hill: so there’s a type of people called “strong creatives” that have cool and disgusting superpowers
Hill: the bad guy uses a really cool car to steal kids and take them to Christmasland-
King: what kind of car, son?
King: tell me more about
King: the car
Hill: so the bad guy is called Charlie Manx
Hill: he seems very charming but watch out!
Hill: so there’s Charlie Manx, he walks into a monster bad guy bar and the other bad guys, boy, they all get scared!
King: gosh, joe! he must be really bad news!
Hill: like samara and freddy krueger? They see him coming and they leave! He is just! That! Bad!
King: wow!
Hill: oh yeah he's the scariest!
King: wow!
Hill: even pennywise is scared of him!
King: w-
King:
Barker: ah ha ha ha!!
Barker: hey steve what do you think of that
Barker: don't be shy steve let's hear it
Barker: what do you think of your precious baby boy's story ah ha ha
Hill: you always do this dad! You always kinshame my OCs and I won’t have any of it this time!
King: but joe, you can’t just spook penny wise!
King: He’s like
King: he's like some kind of glowing space spider!
Hill: fine! New story! I call this The Tale of the Balloon kid
Dean Koontz: oh I love balloons!
Hill: so there’s this kid named Art
Hill: and he’s inflatable
Roald Dahl: hehehehehehe ohhh?
***
Sapphire Lazuli: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, if you would, i call this the tale of the king in yellow
HP Lovecraft: oh! this is my favorite!
Lazuli: ah but
Lazuli: this is the tale of the king in yellow film adaptation
Lazuli: as it were
Lazuli: but perhaps i'm getting ahead of myself
King: wow, a movie that makes you go insane to see it! now that's chilling!
John Carpenter: i did that one
Carpenter: you guys all hated it!
King: yeah but now we like it
Carpenter:
Carpenter: you motherfuckers
Lazuli: but what gives voice to a film?
Lazuli: what makes the film
Lazuli:
Lazuli:
King: Is that it? Where's the rest?
Lazuli: i was pausing
Lazuli: there's a pause in it
Lazuli: what makes the film
Lazuli:
Lazuli: speak to us?
Lazuli: what makes the film speak to us?
Lazuli: the stretching of transparent plastic strips straining tightly over projector reels
Lazuli: for only through the torture of plastic strips can our entertainment be
Lazuli: the whirring of reels belies the tormented agony of gelatin emulsion coating
Lazuli: but
Lazuli: would they squeal so deliciously if we shut off the projector?
Lazuli: would they vibrate with the same erotic potential of our viewing pleasure?
Lazuli: a delightfully decadent conundrum
Lazuli: is it not?
Lazuli: imagine
Lazuli: if you would
Lazuli: a woman trapped in a house
Barker: i can't imagine a woman trapped in a house
Lazuli: ah well then perhaps a metaphor would help illustrate the situation
Lazuli: would it not?
Lazuli: imagine
Lazuli: if you would
Lazuli: that you were a guitar pick
Barker: i cannot imagine that
Poe: clive
Poe: clive let her finish
Lazuli: imagine
Lazuli: if you would
Lazuli: that you were a guitar pick
Lazuli: that fell inside a guitar
Lazuli: the strings of the guitar
Lazuli: the veritable bars of a prison of eons
Lazuli: that guitar pick would be trapped
Lazuli: trapped inside that guitar
Lazuli: just like a woman trapped inside a house
Lazuli: would it not?
King: yeah that's right! i get it now!
Barker: what
King: yeah, she's trapped JUST like that guitar pick!
King: yeah i totally get it!
***
Neil Gaiman: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the limitless reaches of the human imagination
Gaiman: for where are we truly free to imagine? in dreams!
Gaiman: for the dreamscape is the playground of the inner child
Gaiman: but what if the concept of dreaming
Gaiman: was this real cool goth guy
Aaron Alexovich: yes
Neil Gaiman: and what if
Gaiman: death was a goth chick
Stephen King: like mary?
Gaiman: no no not like mary
Gaiman: not so threatening
Aaron Alexovich: what kind of goth?
Alexovich: cuz there's 12 different phyla of goths and over 500 sub-species
Gaiman: oh i don't know
Gaiman: they're all lovely
Edward Lee: does this goth chick have big boobs
Gaiman: well that's not really the point ed
Gaiman: but with the limitless power of the imagination
Gaiman: why, they could be as big as you desire
Lee: whoa
Lee: what!
Lee: for real?!
Lee: shit you guys i gotta try this out
Lee: okay i'm imagining a boob as big as the world
Lovecraft: n-no you're not!
Lovecraft: no one can imagine a boob that big!
Lee: i can
Lovecraft: oh you're so full of shit
Lovecraft: you cannot!!!
Lovecraft: oh what next? a boob as big as the galaxy
Lee: yeah i'm thinking of that now
Lovecraft: no you're not! you're making that up!
Lee: now i'm thinking of a boob the size of like the entire universe
Lovecraft: you liar!
Lovecraft: steve, make him stop!!
Robert E Howard: howdy there pardna
Howard: can ya imagine a boob as big as the heart of texas
Lee: i
Lee:
Lee: i can't imagine that
Howard: [chuckling] too big, huh?
Lee: no its just
Lee: that's kinda abstract
***
Stephen King: submitted for the
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyyyyy itsa me, elon muska!
Barker: oh look steve, it's your friend
King: we're not friends
King: we're barely acquaintances!
Musk: eyyy da twitter gotta de bots
Musk: de too many bots!
Musk: de only way i can stoppa de bots
Musk: i gotta make everyone watch de prager u anti-trans propaganda
Musk: its de only way to stoppa de bots
King: how does that-
Musk: itsa de ONLY WAY
Dennis Prager: i scoured the country, looked high and low, and found one actual detransitioner
Prager: here's their story about how they gave up gender euphoria to live a good christian life of self-sacrificing misery
Prager: surely this will convince you all
Prager: still not convinced? take a look at this chart [Prager points to chart plotting "trans" against "bad"]
Prager: as you can see, the more trans there is, the more bad there is too
Musk: mama mia!!!
Musk: concerning!
Prager: and look at this chart [reveals chart plotting "hate crimes" against "delicious ice cream"]
Musk: mama mia! botha de lines go up!
Prager: yes exactly
Prager: think about it
Prager: you know what you must do
Musk: theya couldn't put it inna chart if it wasnta true!
Musk: i buya de twitter
Musk: i maka de twitter into de 8chan
Musk: i maka de whole world hostile to my unnagrateful transa daughter
Musk: itsa de only way to stoppa de bots
Prager: now that i've made my point, i have to get back to my day job
Prager: the victimless crime of masturbating to underage porn and also animating bluey knock-offs to indoctrinate kids
Prager: don't worry, those two interests are totally separate
Prager: definitely no overlap
***
Stephen King: guys did you hear there’s a video game campfire too?
Mary Shelley: that sounds like some nerd shit
King: no no there are lots of cool people there
King: hideo kojima, sid meier, bob bates
King: the 2 guys from andromeda
Shelley: [cracking knuckles in anticipation]
Hideo Kojima: IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 19XX, MERCENERY GASEOUS SNAKE IS BROUGHT OUT OF RETIREMENT TO FIGHT THE REMNANTS OF THE WOLFDOG UNIT...
Kojima: INCLUDING...
Kojima: ROPE CHOKER, POISON EATER, TORPEDO LAUNCHER , AXE GRINDER, BOMB DETONATOR, AND DIPPY DOG
Kojima: do you think that love can bloom on a battlefield?
Kojima:
Kojima: yes...
Kojima: even on a battlefield...
Ken Williams: hey my girlfriend roberta and I saw you from across the bar and we’re really digging your vibe
Williams: Can we buy you a drink?
Kojima: the villainous traitor bad boy has kidnapped dr good scientist and forced him to help build the ultimate weapon of mass destruction...
Kojima: the metal gear...
Kojima: it’s like a tank...
Kojima: but it can move...
Kojima:
Kojima: But wait...
Kojima: not with treads...
Kojima: with legs...
[at Midnight Society]
Hideo Kojima: I have an idea for a new video game...
Kojima: About you!
Stephen King: oh wow a game about us? that sounds pretty ok!
Poe: yeah I’d be curious about this
Kojima: the game is called ‘the association of Fire Story friends’
Kojima: a hideo kojima game...
Kojima: written by hideo kojima...
Kojima: produced by hideo kojima...
Kojima: directed by hideo kojima...
Kojima: catering by hideo kojima...
Kojima: The fire story friend association members names are...
Kojima: Bird Scare..
Poe:
Kojima: Clown daddy...
King:
Kojima: Knife Stabber...
Mary Shelley:
Kojima: Little Friend...
Dean Koontz:
Kojima: Cat Bitch...
Clive Barker:
Kojima: and Silly Racist...
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: w-which one is me
Kojima: SUBMITTED FOR THE APPROVAL OF THE MIDNIGHT SOCIETY I CALL THIS THE TALE OF THE STORY FRIENDS...
Kojima: IT IS A GAME WHERE THE GOAL IS NOT TO FIGHT...
Mary Shelley: what the hell is this shit
Thomas Disch: sh let him cook
Disch: mr kojima in level 5 is there a way to escape the dungeon w/o the wizard‘s key?
Shelley: shut UP nerd
Kojima: In this game, you play as clown daddy...
Kojima: bird scare has given him an assignment...
Kojima: he must tell a story without anyone hearing
King: wow! incredible!
King: hideo, once again you’ve redefined a genre!
Kojima: this story is also about how war is bad...
King: whats the theme tho
Kojima:
Kojima: uh, its that war is bad...
King:
Koontz:
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Kojima: perhaps this three hour cutscene will explain better...
Kojima: now this next story will be my last ever...
Kojima: for real this time...
King: aw really?
Kojima: yes...
King:
King: really?
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm back from genussspect con '23
Stephen King: from what?
Clive Barker: it's her terf convention, steve
Rowling: IT ISS MORE THAN JUSSST A TERF CONVENTION
Rowling: we had nazisss there too
Rowling: man i jussst had ssuch a blasst at genussspect con 23
Rowling: going to panelss
Rowling: watching the terfssuit parade
Rowling: commissssioning artissstsss in artisstss alley to draw my terfsssona
King: wait whats your terfsona?
Rowling: oh here check thiss out
Rowling: hisss name isss robert galbraith and he'sss a losst prince from planet mobiousss on a misssion to avenge the death of hisss sensai
Rowling: by harassssing people in public toiletss
Rowling: robert galbraith isss sssso cool
Rowling: he'sss a bessst sselling author and he totally doesssn't have anyone living in the ventsss of his ssscottish casstle
King: oh i see you drew him with a sword there
Rowling: ITSSS A KATANA
Rowling: but the coolessst thing about robert galbraith isss how he sstandss up for proper gender roless
Barker: why's he a dude
Rowling: what
Barker: why'd you pick a dude for your terfsona
Rowling:
Rowling:
Rowling:
Rowling: my favorite part of the convention was the terfsssuit parade
Rowling: when we all put on our besst big sshapelesss tradwife sshift dresssess and styled our bangss
Rowling: check out these photoss i took
Barker: oh its a hobbit parade
Rowling:
Frank Belknap Long: was there a klingon party?
Rowling: a what
Rowling: what are you talking about
Rowling: of courssse not!
Long: wow well, this convention sounds pretty mid