Bitter Karella's Fresh Hot Slurry 51
Ohhh look! It’s getting close! The Midnight Pals audio series is having is EXCLUSIVE world premiere on Sunday, Oct 29! It’s going to be VERY fancy. It’s the story so big it can only be told in the medium of SOUND. You should join us, it will be - as the kids say - “lit.” Kids still say that, right? Hold on, let me vape from my pen and fidget my spinners. Hello, fellow young people.
And if you don’t believe me on that whole “lit” thing, why don’t you go check out our latest teaser? It’s got Shirley Jackson!
***
Here’s some Midnight Pals!
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: today we continue our quessst to rehabilitate glinner
Rowling: i will not ressst until he isss reintegrated into ssociety
Rowling: and not ssleeping on my couch anymore
Rowling: cuz you know
Rowling: that man isss
Rowling: i mean ssure i hate transs people too
Rowling: but i have other interesstsss assss well
Rowling:
Rowling: i'll let you know asss sssoon asss i think of sssome
Rowling: i do have other interesstsss outsside of transsphobia
Rowling: like
Rowling: for example
Rowling: i like hating on autissstic people too
Rowling: i mean, let's be frank
Rowling: they've had it too good for too long
Rowling: and, you know, dissabled people
Rowling: and the goblinsss
Rowling: in fact actually i'm pretty versssatile
Rowling: i'm almossst as well-rounded as hp lovecraft if you think about it
Graham Lineham: jk did you know that trans people have smaller skull shapes
Rowling: it's 1 pm graham, why are you sstill in pajamas
Lineham: i've been researching how the trans control the media
Rowling: did you even try to look for a job today
Rowling: graham here's the newssspaper
Rowling: hey maybe you could look at the want adsss
Rowling: bet there'sss plenty of openingsss for a transsphobic comedy writer
Lineham: i don't read newspapers, i heard that the wood pulp industry is captured by trans activists
Lineham: they put estrogen in the news ink
Lineham: you know
Lineham: to get you
Rowling:
Rowling: wait really?
Rowling: shit maybe i should sstart possting that
Rowling: graham ssseriousssly
Rowling: you could at leassst apply
Lineham: no everyone's against me
Lineham: there's no jobs for a fearless truth teller like me
Rowling: i
Rowling: how
Rowling: we live in england! there'sss nothing BUT jobsss for transsphobesss!
Rowling: how are you still unemployed!?!
Rowling: look jussst march into the BBC and asssk if they're hiring any transsphobesss
Rowling: maybe they'll be impressssed with your moxie and hire you
Lineham: it doesn't work like that these days
Rowling: jusst wear a sssuit and ssit in the lobby til they hire you!
Lineham: i've got a great idea to get back in people's good graces!
Rowling: whatss that
Lineham: well you know how david tennant is the most beloved man in the country?
Rowling: right
Lineham: well if i can bring him down, then i will assume his place
Lineham: as the most beloved man in the country
Rowling:
Rowling: right ok that makess ssensse to me
Rowling: look i clipped out a bunch of adss for transphobic jobss
Rowling: i'll jussst ssend them to graham'ss agent
Helen Joyce: terrible news, dark lord!
Joyce: his agent dropped him for attacking david tennant
Rowling:
Rowling: oh
***
Jessica Leonard: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the church that hates witches
Leonard: so this guy's dad was a lawyer but he gave it all up to be a farmer
Leonard: and join a church
Leonard: this guy just really loves church
Leonard: this farmer guy is all "hey i love tilling the soil, i'm gonna do that"
Ursula Vernon: right right, tilling the soil
Vernon: i mean, yeah, you gotta til the soil
Vernon: real important part of being a farmer
Vernon: probably the most important part
Leonard: so they join this church
Leonard: but get this
Leonard: it turns out this church
Leonard: is disrespectful to women
Angela Carter: whoa
Leonard: i know, right???
Angela Carter: you're telling me this church doesn't respect womens autonomy?
Leonard: no! in fact, they're kinda backwards on that issue
Carter: wow
Carter: well
Carter: i would simply NOT go to that church
Leonard: yeah like this church says women can't be in leadership positions
Carter: WOW
Carter: well
Carter: as a strong independent woman
Carter: who is also intelligent
Carter: i would not be down with that
Patricia Highsmith: yeah i dunno i think they got a point
Carter: oh really patricia? is that so
Highsmith: i'm just sayin'
Highsmith: you know dames
Highsmith: always yak yak yakkin'
Highsmith: you want some skirt running a church council?
Highsmith: she'll get her damn menses all over the tabernacle
Highsmith: look, i'm just sayin'
Highsmith: women ain't there to do heavy thinkin'
Highsmith: they're there to make casseroles and look pretty
Highsmith: mostly look pretty
Highsmith: i mean there ain't nothing like a dame am i right?
Carter:
Highsmith: the boys know what i'm talkin' about
Edward Lee: bro
Lee: bro
Lee: you're being kinda problematic bro
Highsmith: i'm just sayin' what we're all thinkin!
Leonard: so the church ladies are all "we love making casseroles for our men"
Leonard: "also i haven't cum in 20 years, i should pray on that"
Carter: this is like scary accurate church lady dialogue
Leonard: so the reverend is all "hmm our church ladies are getting too mouthy"
Leonard: "what if we sent them to a torture farm for a weekend"
Leonard: "ya know, just to scare 'em back in line"
Leonard: but that's when these church ladies
Leonard: stop making casseroles
Leonard: and start getting real
Leonard: so the women are all "man, this church sucks! it hates women and its obsessed with witches"
Leonard: "we should, like, join a different church"
***
Stephen King: listen guys
King: i'm kinda concerned that those bullies over at clarion west might try to pull something
King: so i've hired some security for the campfire
Poe: you what
Poe: steve why would you do that
King: no no trust me on this
King: so i hired the dorsai irregulars as security
Poe: the what
King: it's a special security force made up of sci fi fans
King: led by robert asprin
King: you'll like him, he's funny
Poe: like piers anthony funny or terry pratchett funny
King: uhhh
King:
King: submitted for the approval of the midnight-
Robert Asprin: hold up
Barker: what is this
Robert Asprin: i am currently assessing thread levels
Barker: steve who is this guy
Asprin: SIR
Asprin: SIR
Asprin: PLEASE
Asprin: remain calm
Asprin: sir please step over here
Asprin: i am scanning the area for potential security risks
Barker: steve what the fuck is this
King: oh this is robert asprin, he's doing security
Asprin: scanning
Asprin: scanning
Asprin:
Barker: steve what the-
Asprin: SCANNING
Barker: steve what is this
King: its the dorsai irregulars, a security force made up of sci fi fans
Barker: oh yeah? great
Barker: cuz when i think of effective security
Barker: i definitely think of sci fi fans
Barker: definitely the guys you want to rely on in a pinch
King: i think you're being unfair clive
King: i think these guys can probably be pretty professional
King: i mean, look
King: they have matching berets and everything
Barker: oh are their fedoras in the wash
Robert Asprin: sir i have a story
King: oh is it a scary story?
Asprin: sir it is a funny story sir
Asprin: it is about a demon from the dimension perv
Asprin: making him a perVECT
Asprin: not a perVERT
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Asprin: a perVECT, not a perVERT
Asprin: that is the joke sir
Barker: this fucking sucks
Asprin: sir i'm going to need to ask you to step aside sir
Barker: what the?! NO
Asprin: sir i need to perform an ocular patdown
Barker: what the fuck- NO.
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers?
Asprin: MA'AM
Asprin: i will need you to submit to an ocular patdown before i can allow you entry to this campfire perimeter
Shelley: what the fuck
Shelley: steve who the fuck is this
Barker: yeah see that's what i was saying
Asprin: MA'AM
Asprin: MA'AM
Asprin: i cannot allow you to take this weapon into the campfire perimeter
King: oh rob that's just mary, she's cool
Asprin: SIR
Asprin: i need you step back and let me do my job
King: but rob-
Asprin: SIR
Asprin: ma'am i need you to hand over the weapon
Shelley: oh you want me to give you my knife
Asprin: yes ma'am i need you to give it to me
Shelley: yeah i'll give it to you
Shelley: i'll give it to you alright
Shelley: [stabs asprin]
Asprin: man down! man down!
Asprin: aughhhh
Asprin: and i only got to tell my pervect/pervert joke one time
***
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: you know if labor takess over, they're going to force you to ressspect transss people?
Barker: didn't keir starmer just literally throw them under the bus
Rowling:
Rowling: shut up
Rowling: sstop ruining thiss for me!
Rowling: asss i wass sssaying
Rowling: itss been reported in the reputable presssss
Rowling: that labor isss totally going to do this
Rowling: and who are you going to believe?
Rowling: ssensssationalissst british tabloidsss or your lyin' eyesss?
Rowling: let me tell you
Rowling: if they try to make me resspect a transss perssson
Rowling: i would rather go to jail!
Rowling: i will go to my execution assss if it wasss my wedding!!
Rowling: i am a fearless truth teller!!!!
Rowling: i will go to jail!
Rowling: i'll enjoy it! it'll be fun!
Rowling: i'll work in the prissson library!
Rowling: maybe ferment sssome ketchup behind a radiator!
Rowling: maybe get real in the exercise yard
Rowling: and a big sswasstika prissson faccce tat
Rowling: they're going to sssend me to prissson!! for misgendering!!! thisss isss going to happen! Mark my wordsss!
Rowling: alsssso antifa issss going to murder all the sssmall busssinessss owners tomorrow, i read it on the internet
Rowling: watch, you'll be cowed by my sssolemn and dignified bearing assss they lead me to the gallowsss
Rowling: jusst you watch!
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Barker: why do you come here anyway
Rowling: I HAVE A SSSTOKER!!! I HAVE THE RIGHT!
Rowling: wow, the left hass finally lossst me! [turning a big dial that says "fascism" while looking over her shoulder at the audience for approval]
Barker: like seriously where are you getting this
Rowling: i get all my newsss on the transss menace from the mosssst reputable sssource
Rowling: the sssinfest webcomic
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eeeey did someone-a say sinfest?
Musk: itsa me, Elon Musk!
Musk: i love-a da sinfest! mama mia! itsa like-a mama's marinara [chef's kiss]
Musk: i justa get backa from shadow banning da account data make-a funna da sinfest
Musk: itta too cutting and incisive!
Musk: it musta be destroyed!
Musk: eeeeey jk rowling
Musk: we hava so much in common
Musk: we shoulda hang out
Rowling: what do we have in common?
Musk: well-a
Musk: i da richest man in the world, you da richest woman
Musk: we botha hate da jews and trans
Musk: anna we botha very divorced!
Rowling: hmmm
Rowling: how do you feel about free ssspeech
Musk: i thinka people shoulda be free to praise me!
Rowling: oh my god
Rowling: we're like two peasss in a pod!
***
Laurel Hightower: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the mothman
Hightower: and there's a trucker
Hightower: hmm there's a trucker
Tabitha King: so how does this work
Laurel Hightower: it’s just like old fashioned internet
Hightower: it’s the way that lonely but deliciously handsome truckers find love on the open road
Hightower: [talking into CB radio] breaker breaker mercy sakes looks like we got us a convoy
Tabitha King: wow, what a story Laurel!
Hightower: uh excuse me
Hightower: I’ll thank you to address me by my trucker handle
Tabitha King: do i have to
Hightower: that’s the fun
Tabitha King:
Tabitha King: ok “mothmilf”
Hightower: use the radio
Hightower: [talking into CB radio] breaker breaker we got butterfly billy on the stump, looks like a full moon over miami breaker breaker
Tabitha King: what are you saying
Hightower: I’m saying that mothman is totally caked out
Tabitha King:
Tabitha King: joe what’s she saying
Joe Hill: [embarrassed] go ask dad
Hightower: for this cover, i want something that really captures the uncanniness of mothman
Slimyswampghost: [drawing] how about this?
Hightower: hmmm
Hightower: that’s PRETTY good
Hightower: could you make his ass bigger
Slimyswampghost: like the Gunn park commemorative mothman statue?
Hightower: yes! exactly like the Gunn Park commemorative mothman statue!
Hightower: breaker breaker put some taillights on that butterfly billy
Slimyswampghost: ten four
Hightower: just hitch a full trailer to that cab
Slimyswampghost: roger that
Hightower: the bears are gonna pull him over cuz dat ass too phat
Mothman: Looks like my work here is done.
Hightower: But you didn’t do anything!
Mothman: [chuckling] Didn’t I?